Should I Mediate with a Controlling Abuser?

(11 Posts)
maybelemonade Fri 27-May-16 19:27:17

Horrible history. Abusive ex for 10 years. Daughter born, he continued, harming both of us. Final separation. I initiated negotiation re contact. He breached it by harming my daughter. Then matter went to court. He won - he had solicitor, consultant and barrister against me as Litigant in Person. Court process continued, I defended myself - lost some, won some, but then lost - his legal team kept keeping out my evidence and then used clever legalise. Anyway, now, I'm in an awful position. He is wealthy, I am not. He's using his wealth to continue control over me, as well as abuse - but so difficult to 'document' as there is only him, me, and dd as witnesses.

So, here's my question. I know that if I went 'back' to him, all this awfulness would stop. But he would be 'winner' and would continue his 'control' with this 'victory'. I don't want to be part of this, but the more I stand up for myself, the more I get pummelled.

(He used to shove me to the ground, twist my right arm around me, sit on me and spit on me - normal Friday night sadly) and I feel as if this is still happening metaphorically via the court process.

I'm out of energy. I want my life back. I want to be free. But the only way I can be free of this legal madness is if I am nice to him.

Do I mediate and get a solution to end legal madness (he has outgunned me) or do I stand my ground and continue the legal battle knowing that I have no hope as I am a Litigant in Person with no resources for legal counsel? All CAB / Rights of Women / Women's Aid advice and help bolster my perspective, but courts bolster his.

What do I do? Still stand up and lose my life, or lie down and let him spit on me so that at least I get a semblance of independence back?

Any thoughts?

PalmerViolet Fri 27-May-16 19:39:22

If you go back (and please don't) a nanny cam would be evidence enough.

But no, I would not advise any client to enter into mediation or counselling with an abusive/controlling person, but I'm not a lawyer.

EnthusiasmDisturbed Fri 27-May-16 19:50:40

No don't go back ever

The violence will get worse and you have a dd to protect as well as yourself

This may seem harder at the moment but he can only do so much harm you living with him he could do far far worse

maybelemonade Fri 27-May-16 22:26:01

No, maybe I've not explained myself well - not going back to live with him - that will never happen as he now has a new place and the orders do not allow him back into my home - I was speaking about mediation to get to begin a course of talks so that he would stop using his wealth to harm me through the courts. We have one more court process to go through, and the chances of me winning as a litigant in person versus his huge legal team is low - got good advice from CAB re my chances and unless I get a good barrister, I'm stuffed. And as I can't afford barrister, then maybe mediation is the way to go - but then he'd 'control' me again. So awful, so complicated. Just wanted to ask re principle.

scallopsrgreat Fri 27-May-16 22:36:41

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? They maybe able to help on the solicitor/barrister front.

I'm not sure mediation will end you up in any better position. As Palmer says mediation is invariably not a good idea with abusive men. It could be used as another stick to beat you with. So potentially you could end up in a worse position.

Rights of women website may also be helpful.

Good luck. This must be so difficult and painful for you flowers

PalmerViolet Fri 27-May-16 22:43:56

Apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick (thankfully)

Sadly, whatever course of action you take and controlling man will do all he can to control you.

Do see of WA can help you with a barrister, I know they have done before in cases of financial abuse.

If I can say, on a personal note, wealth isn't everything. Money is nice, and it helps, but being away from an abusive man, no matter how poor and I was dirt poor for too long is better than having that abusive man having power over you.

scallopsrgreat Fri 27-May-16 23:08:35

Sorry I somehow missed that you'd already spoken to Women's Aid and Rights of women!

I would try WA again with regards to obtaining a solicitor.

Is he trying for residency through the courts? Why do you feel you will lose your life if you stand up to him?

Having said that, I think trying to win against an abuser, in the conventional manner won't work. They'll go lower and dirtier than you'll ever be prepared to go. Taking away his influence over you is the way to go. And that may mean letting go of a few battles on the way. Its so difficult with your DD though.

EnthusiasmDisturbed Fri 27-May-16 23:27:35

Sorry I misunderstood

Mediation with an abusive man he will just try to use it to control you

I personally think the more distance and contact even on mediation you have with him the better

I am confused as to what you are going to court about access, property, money

maybelemonade Sat 28-May-16 06:37:21

Thank you all - complicated for many reasons. This last court appearance is cos he keeps breaching the order we have - taking more time than he should and disrupting my and dd's plans. But he will have solicitor and barrister in court and I will be a litigant in person.

WA just give list of solicitors who do Dom violence / contact but none do it pro bono! Legal aid is not available.

Bottom line is that I shouldn't mediate. I know.

Davina06 Wed 01-Jun-16 21:09:33

I went back to my abuser simply because I was exhausted and knew the awfulness would stop.

But it didn't. 48 hours in, I was physically sick with the full force of why I had left in the first place.

But no, no mediation or counselling. They are neutral, and disregard the imbalance of power in an abusive dynamic.

It sounds like you are struggling to find a way to stop his behaviour. The truth is you cannot stop it, because you did not cause it in the first place.

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 03-Jun-16 20:12:05

What a vile system where only the wealthy can afford justice. sad

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