Woman being friends with men

[AmeliaNeedsHelp]

I have a new friend at work - lovely guy, we get on well. Not attracted to each other, both in serious relationships. But I feel a bit uncomfortable being friends with him. Like I wouldn't go out for a drink with just him, but do with women colleagues. And I'm trying to figure out why I'm uncomfortable about it. So, I guess my questions are:

Is it unreasonable to expect that I can be just friends with a man?

Why (when rumours start) is it usually the woman who gets judged harshly?

Is this all part of society's apparent attitude that men always want sex with all women, and that women are morally responsible for controlling access to sex?

Didn't really know where to post this, but this board has been great for helping me figure things in the past (before the name change), so thanks in advance for any insights.

[holeinmyheart]

I am really good friends with a man. He is a widower and I am a long time married. We go out for lunch, exercise together, sometimes with my DH sometimes without. He likes shopping so will come shopping. My DH loathes shopping.
We have shedloads in common. I love him but I am not in love with him and although he is a handsome man I have never felt a bit of sexual frisson.
Perhaps that is the key.
My husband is also not a jealous or possessive person and likes my friend who we have known for a very long time. Sadly his wife died young.
So I do think it is possible to be friends with a bloke. If you are above board with your partners and they are not jealous then do whatever you feel comfortable with.
I feel comfortable being out and about with my friend. I don't care what anyone else thinks or says behind my back.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

I'm not sure about the rumour thing. I tend to find men and women get judged pretty harshly in a reasonably equal way.

Maybe people believe men have a higher sex drive than women. I know a lot of my male friends believe that.

[BreakingDad77]

Some people just like to gossip, and/or love drama.

"those two seem to be getting friendly....." Is going to depend a lot on the types of people your working with. It shouldn't matter but everyone will have some story of a broken marriage via friends at work.

This was in the news recently with the you gov survey - yougov.co.uk/news/2015/05/27/one-five-british-adults-admit-affair/ with the catchline - Men are more likely to have affairs with 'work colleagues', women with 'friends'

[SirVixofVixHall]

I've had male friends as well as female my whole life, maybe because I have a brother I am close to, I've always enjoyed knocking about with men. My dH has a large group of women friends from school and university, so both of us understand the joy and value of friendships with both sexes. In London this was normal, I fairly often went out to dinner with male friends, just two of us, and it was rare to get a comment. However now I've moved to a rural area, it is really not the done thing at all and although I have made male friends here, they are not as close as the friendships I've forged with other women, and I know that if I was seen out with a male friend that there would be a lot of gossip. It really annoys me. DH gets asked to the pub by male neighbours, but I am not allowed to go ! (Not by dH I should add, by the neighbours. DH was up for me dressing in male drag and just sitting there with them. I was up for it too but in the end I just couldn't be arsed). I am old enough not to care about gossip, but it does put a different slant on budding friendships, that I've never had to deal with before. My best male friend has moved to Sweden, so hanging out with him is sadly a rare occurance now.

[WhirlpoolGalaxyM51]

I dunno I've had male friends a lot and always thought yes platonic is possible of course it is and then always ended up pissed with said "friend" trying to get off with me, and so then I thought maybe there's something in the idea that one or the other usually wants more out of it.

But anyway that didn't stop me and in my current job I made friends with a new guy on the team we lunch together go for walks and stuff would happily go for a drink with him, and there's a guy I used to work with we meet up quite a bit for a drink etc.

I think if you get on with him then try to overcome your discomfort and be friends! If people talk so what. And isn't it depressing that there is this divide between the sexes and a feeling that a man and a woman being friends must somehow be inappropriate or they're up to no good or at least 1 / both of them want to be.

Unless of course it's just him that you feel uncomfortable going for a drink with in which case listen to your instincts!

I do know what you mean though.