"If I could I would slap her"

[FrustratedFeminist]

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

[Koalafications]

I'm confused as to how it's a 'misogynistic insult'... Where does your gender come into it?

[gamerchick]

Why did you go over there so late?

[FrustratedFeminist]

Well I guess I just feel that if I were a man he would not threaten to slap me. Perhaps not misogynistic per se but still pretty focused on the "hysterical woman who needs a good slap to calm down" stereotype. What am I, an errant child who needs to be disciplined?! Just feel like it's not on!

I have been through finals too although at a less competitive uni and I know how difficult the time is. But I just feel he could have worded things slightly differently. I have apologised to my sister and all involved through her but given it was a badly-timed one-off and I have admitted wrongdoing, feel his insult is pretty off-putting...

[partialderivative]

you sound awful!

I suppose I have forgotten what it's like to be about 21 or 22

[FrustratedFeminist]

Gamer, I arrived at about 9 due to train delays. This was not ideal but as it was a fri night I was hoping we could have a few mins of chat then I could leave her in peace. As I said I do not live far away so could have taken the last train home. Unofrtunately she took issue with things and I didn't end up leaving until a lot later than planned

[RainbowFlutterby]

I probably would have said the same thing as him! Sounds like you were out of order, nothing to do with misogyny.

[FrustratedFeminist]

Okay thanks everyone for responses, clearly I was out of order. Didnt mean to be and my intentions were good fwiw. But thanks for feedback :)

[FenellaFellorick]

Not really.
I think he was passed of because you had a row in the middle of the night during a time they're all stressed out.
Not oh she's a woman I want to slap her.
If you were going to drop the parcel and go straight home why were you in her room arguing in the middle of the night and then went to a hotel?
Why didn't you just - go home! Like you say you planned.

I'd have been pissed off as hell with all the drama you describe.

I don't see any misogyn . I see someone pissed off with arises making a racket.
It's not nice to say you feel like slapping someone but in all probability it is just like when someone says I could throttle him/ I could shake her till her teeth rattle / he needs a boot up the backside, etc

[FrustratedFeminist]

Fair enough fenella. I was out of order. I left to go to a hotel at about 1.30 after drama. We talk everyday (me and sister) and she had been asking me for a parcel of treats for a while. In my misguided brain I thought I bought all her fave things, nice ready meals and things that couldnt be posted and dropped them off with her. Didnt think it through, happy to be corrected

[Koalafications]

Right, I'm still not following.

"I'm going to slap her" is a threat not an insult.

"She's a fat cow" is an insult not a threat.

Sounds like your DSis and this guy are under a lot of pressure.

Misogynistic? No, I don't think it was.

[PurpleDaisies]

Well I guess I just feel that if I were a man he would not threaten to slap me.

He would most likely threatened to have punched you. Would that have been better? It is a bit of a stretch to turn that into a misogynist insult.

[FrustratedFeminist]

Koala, yes I can see that now. Sorry I was just reeling a bit but clearly i was in the wrong anyway! Happy to be corrected. I would ever say this to someone but admittedly he is under pressure. I was under the same pressure a couple of years back so I can absolutely empathise. Honestly thought i was doing her a good turn. It spectacularly backfied and thats my fault!

[PannaDoll]

I'm pissed off and want to slap you just reading this.

[FrustratedFeminist]

sorry that should read " I would never say this to someone "

[FrustratedFeminist]

really panna? :s

[LettuceLaughton]

Well, I suppose it is typically "I'm going to slap her" / "I'm going to punch him".

Would you feel Better if he'd threatened to punch you?

[FrustratedFeminist]

i really was trying to help her out. absolutely understand that it was stupid on my part though. just dont feel deserving of that choice of wording though! fair enough, happy to be told im wrong though.

sorry if my first post was too blunt.

can i add that argument came about due to her physically gripping my arm hard enough to cause bruising and make me cry out in pain. again i do admit that i was in the wrong for visiting in first place

[FenellaFellorick]

It was a lovely idea. It was. Your heart was in the right place but clearly your timing was off.
I bet when shes less stressed she will likely feel awful about how she treated You.
You should have just left, not stayed arguing with her into the early hours of the morning. What was the point of that? At a time when you can clearly see how stressed she is?
It'll blow over no doubt. I imagine she will feel awful about flipping. It'll be the pressure and you just copped it.

[PurpleDaisies]

We are clearly on the same wavelength lettuce

[FrustratedFeminist]

lettuce, no of course not < head tilt >

ok fair enough i deserved a slap or punch. i do admit i was in the wrong.

[gamerchick]

It's one of those rare occasions I want to read your sisters side. my guts seem to be saying there's a big chunk missing.

Just store it away that evenings are too late to turn up unannounced and you're sorted.

[FenellaFellorick]

XPost.
That was out of order of her.
Next time just turn round and walk away.

[PannaDoll]

I think you are skipping a lot of what happened between 'I arrived late and unannounced with a parcel knowing it was a stressful time' to 'she gripped my arm'. It read to me like you planned to stay there as you had to get a hotel room after arguing and disturbing a whole slew of other people into the small hours. Was alcohol involved in the decision making process?

[PurpleDaisies]

Just to clarify I wasn't suggesting he was right to threaten you. That's not nice at all.

What I meant was threatening to slap you didn't make him a misogynist.