teenage girls under massive pressure to do anal :(

[GinAndSonic]

Article may upset some people. Saw this www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/11554595/Pornography-has-changed-the-landscape-of-adolescence-beyond-all-recognition.html in chat and thought it was something important to discuss, in particular this about teenages and anal Sex - "Moreover, both genders expected males to find pleasure in the act whereas females were mostly expected to “endure the negative aspects such as pain or a damaged reputation”."

Im not surprised by this sadly, as i was anally raped by my boyfriend as a teen over 10 years ago and pornification is only getting worse. What can we do, other thab talk to our kids? Can we do anything on a bigger scale to fix the problem, not just try to help our kids survive the shit storm?

[GinAndSonic]

Sorry, link fail

[cailindana]

So sorry you were raped Gin.

We need to push for proper sex education for all children, right from a young age. We need to counteract as much as possible the idea that is still hanging around that sex is for men's pleasure and women need to give it to them in order to gain approval. We need to celebrate sex and portray it for what it is - not some furtive activity you tolerate in order to fit in but a great, enjoyable fun thing that you do when you're ready and that you're supposed to bloody enjoy!

[SunnyBaudelaire]

yeh I had the anal sex convo with my DS16 - they honestly seem to think it is normal. I told him it definitely was NOT and was potentially v painful and that life was not an exploitative porn movie.
He did look a bit pale by the time I had finished, lets hope it sunk in.

[cailindana]

See maybe this is just my pre-internet porn prudery showing, but I honestly am surprised that anal has gained such traction as a thing. I mean, you poo out of that hole - what on earth is the attraction? I know there's the "naughty" element and whatnot but it just seems a load of faff for not much reward. Am I being old-fashioned??

[INickedAName]

I'm so sorry you were raped gin.

Callindana is right, education, from a young age is needed. The comment on the other thread about a posters 12 year old dd being dumped for not letting him stroke her leg and kissing, and the criticism she got from her friends for not putting out, and how another 12 year old in the same class has sent nude pics shows that it needs teaching when they are young.
I think it needs teaching both in the home, and also in schools too.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Sunny- I'd disagree with saying that anal sex is "not normal". You probably didn't mean it as such but that statement could come accross as pretty homophobic to some people eyes. Anal sex can be a "normal" part of sexual relations between consenting adults, straight or gay. The problem isn't anal sex itself; it's the attitude towards it, social pressures/expectations, and education as to practical sexual health aspects.

Effective sex and relationships education is the answer, I think.

[GinAndSonic]

thanks cailin, t sadly wasnt the only rape i survived, but im now finally having rape counselling and it no longer fills me with such shame and pain. Im doing ok.
As for why its a thing... bragging rights? "I even persuaded her to do anal"? Objectification, just another hole to stick a penis in? The idea that women who do anal are slutty and will let anyone do it to them probably goes with that?
Actively seeking to humiliate and hurt women?
Of course theres a whole load of boys growing up seeing porn, seeing women "enjoying" it, and probably thinking its a) as common as PIV and b) thinking women DO like it. I know ive been shamed for not liking it, as it its weird not to love it.
There are sick fucks who like seeing women in pain and pretty helpless to fight back, theres a whole subbreddit on reddit for "painal" ie, porn showing anal where the woman is in obvious pain. There are guys getting off on that.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

oh right oneday I see what you mean,. not what I meant at all! Bad choice of words.

[cailindana]

You're right OneDay I think my post came across like that too with the whole ewww...anal thing.

[GinAndSonic]

to clarify, i have no issue with anal, just the idea that its compulsory.

[cailindana]

TBH the idea anything at all to with sex is compulsory is so utterly wrong I just can't deal with it. Where does this come from? I remember a friend of mine being horrified I don't give bjs to my DH and made out that he would dump me because I wasn't giving him something he was "due" as a man. When I asked her why he would want to do something I wasn't comfortable with she didn't seem to understand the question, it seemed like she believed there was a range of skills a woman must display for a man or she'll get fired as a sex object or something. That is something that definitely needs to change.

[Jackieharris]

It's awful. Our poor dcs!

[lucycant]

In terms of anal sex being or not being normal, many gay men never have anal sex, Stephen Fry is one.
Also men have a prostrate gland which gets stimulated by anal sex and makes it more pleasurable. Women do not.
There is a reason anal sex used be uncommon. Because only a small number of women actually enjoy it.

[MustBeLoopy390]

Kids need more education, they need to know that NO sex act is compulsory (steak and bj day anyone?) and to know that it's ok to say no. I have no problems with anal/oral/any sex act between consenting adults, only this feeling that it's what is expected.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

There's a really fucked up dynamic going on whereby being a good liberal person that is happy for others to do what makes them happy means you have to do everything too.

DH is 27 and when we were at Uni he got flax (from some wankbadgers) for not being interested in anal. A bloke not wanting to try it was seen as a repressed homophobe not wanting to admit they were secretly gay. there was pressure on women but more from the 'you can't say you don't like something if you haven't tried it' angle.

I do think there needs to be masses more work on the enthusiastic consent lines because I can't see any other way to change things from 'what you both want to do' from 'what you think you are supposed to do'

[Higgle]

I think that only a small number of women enjoy it is partly due to the fact that maybe only a small number of men are prepared to learn how to do it properly - the woman must be controlling everything at her own pace. I would hope the practice won't be demonised as it can provide the most exquisite pleasure. No one should be pressured into doing anything they are not comfortable with but sadly refusal of oral sex does make men and women feel rejected as a person.

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

*flack

[cailindana]

"refusal of oral sex does make men and women feel rejected as a person." Eh? Where do you get that from?

[GinAndSonic]

Higgle refusal of oral makes people feel rejected? Really? What makes you say that?

[Springisontheway]

Definition of "normal" from the Oxford dictionary:

^Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected:
it’s quite normal for puppies to bolt their food,
normal working hours^

I think letting teenagers know that anal sex is not typical or expected is a good way to empower them to say no when they are under pressure. Leaving them with only: I don't want to to try it; that's just me. is pretty feeble.

Consenting adults who enjoy anal sex are not freaks or perverts, but anal sex is not your typical everyday sex.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

It (should) all be about sexual compatibility, enthusiastic consent, open honest communication and feeling comfortable with one another. Not social pressure, obligation, manipulation, coercion etc

I guess that's why the 'relationships' part of SRE is so important

[lucycant]

Agree SpringIsOnTheWay. When teenagers think "everyone is doing it", teenage girls will continue to feel that they should have anal sex, or at least try it.

[didyouwritethe]

The OP's link:

www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/11554595/Pornography-has-changed-the-landscape-of-adolescence-beyond-all-recognition.html?placement=CB3

It is indeed a distressing read.

Glad you are recovering from being raped, OP.

[INickedAName]

No one should be pressured into doing anything they are not comfortable with but sadly refusal of oral sex does make men and women feel rejected as a person.

I can only speak for myself, but if I said to dh I didn't want to give him a bj, he wouldn't see it as me rejecting him as a person, it would be me saying no to something I don't want to do. Same the other way round.

If most people do feel rejected if their partner doesn't want to perform oral on them, then I think it demonstrates why education is needed and place more attention on people being free to not want to do certain things, as performing oral when you don't want to, to make the other person feel better about themselves sounds a bit like coercion, or pressure, which then comes back to what the article points out.

[INickedAName]

Oops, meant to quote the first paragraph, sorry.