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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Overheard at the barbers this morning....

21 replies

hmc · 28/02/2015 14:06

Not as bad as the Fred West conversation overheard by another poster in the pub but still wince inducing:

Took my 10 year old for a cut and settled into the corner and occupied myself with some of the edifying reading material (a choice of The Sun or The Mirror)

Bloke having his hair cut announces that he saw 'Fifty Shades of Grey' last night with the missus. He declared it boring - "You'd have thought it would 'av 'ad a better ending, like him killing her or summat" - cue laughter from the other barber and two other customers. One of the other customers remarked that it was a crap film and that "I've seem more tit in an episode of Casualty"

They then went on to make suggestive remarks about Rita Ora

Nope, I said nothing. Possibly I should have... I think I'll send dh to the barber with ds in future.

I tend to live in an insulated bubble (re who I mix with or interact with)and rarely come into contact with this kind of thing... it was a bit of a jolt tbh.

OP posts:

Report

Vivacia · 28/02/2015 14:37

I'm not sure you're after suggestions, hours after the event. I just want to show solidarity and sympathy with your experience.

hmc · 28/02/2015 14:43

Thanks Vivacia.

I do wonder if I should have 'done something' - although I don't know if speaking out would have been counter productive.

I appreciate the sympathy though - was posting to let off some steam about it. Wasn't a horrible thing to happen as such (much worse things happen at sea!) but it did make me feel uncomfortable and also I felt a bit impotent (what to do - say nothing or keep shtum)

OP posts:

MardyBra · 28/02/2015 14:50

Rather than send your DH, why not choose a different barber. And inform your current one exactly why you won't be returning.

Vivacia · 28/02/2015 14:51

The best I can come up with, "In what way do you think that's an ok thing to say?".

Something similar happened to me on Tuesday on a bus. Group of streetwise under 16s get on, and sit all around me. They are obviously on a part-time timetable from school. One of them starts discussing the new (female) teacher ("I'd fucking give her one, she's fucking alright") and includes an anecdote where he was incredibly disrespectful to her face and she got flustered. I couldn't help but look at him incredulously. But I didn't say anything.

AntiquityIsOld · 28/02/2015 14:52

It's awful being in a position like that. If you say something you know the replies are going to be from dismissive to potentially hostile, leaving you feeling worse to fearful.

I would've walked out if it was the barber himself and would not go back, but I wouldn't have said anything. It depends what personal resources you have because it's literally everywhere and it's easy to wear yourself out. It's also easy to beat yourself up for not speaking up, we just do what we can.

PilchardPrincess · 28/02/2015 15:02

I think for me it's always a shock as a lot of men filter what they say if there's a woman around, so you don't hear it that often.

Part of it I guess was you were in a men's "place" and so as you're encroaching on "their" space then they aren't going to change what they're saying.

Of course they may have already been toning it down because you were there.

Also it's useful to hear otherwise you can forget how men and boys talk about women and girls, and feel like things are getting better when in fact they aren't.

ooerrmissus · 28/02/2015 15:05

OP that's awful. In your position I would at least have pointed out that they were making suggestive remarks in front of a ten year old. I find that shuts most people up!

But time to find a new barber I think.

AntiquityIsOld · 28/02/2015 15:12

Pilchard There is that too. Dh's work was totally male and they are still dealing with that culture since women started working there. He walks away when it is bad like that, but also never says anything. How are you today anyway? I've been reading lots of Nimoy/Spock things on Twitter .

hmc · 28/02/2015 15:51

Thanks everyone - I reckon I'd find the same thing in other barber shops? and it was the customers making the remarks rather than the barbers. I may go again but forewarned and prepared, and hopefully equipped to say something. There was a woman working there too alongside two male barbers and she seemed pretty sanguine about the whole thing so again tricky for me to interject. What stopped me countering the comments was what Antiquity said - the potential of either being dismissed or encountering a hostile response...

OP posts:

Vivacia · 28/02/2015 16:14

Perhaps a statement rather than a question mitigates against those?

"I'm not comfortable with you referring to people as 'tit' and I'm surprised you find it ok to talk like that in public".

Vivacia · 28/02/2015 16:15

(I'm really hoping someone comes along soon with the right advice!).

PilchardPrincess · 28/02/2015 16:20

Antiquity feeling pretty gutted still. How are you?

PilchardPrincess · 28/02/2015 16:22

I'd go somewhere else next time hmc I really would. Different places have their own atmosphere and the next one mightn't be the same.

Marmot75 · 28/02/2015 16:27

That must have been horrible. I don't think all barbers are like that. Oh god I hope not. I often take my 4yo to the barbers and I've never heard that kind of conversation. A woman works there too. When I was there with my son recently the barber (a man) told off a customer for swearing in front of a child and the customer apologised.

I think it really needs men to challenge other men more. Otherwise it can seem like it's women who have a 'problem' and it can be dismissed. If only one of the men there today had spoken up.

Nervo · 28/02/2015 16:27

I take ds to a Barbers shop with two female barbers. It may not have been the barbers actually making the comments but they could have shut them up.

PuffinsAreFictitious · 28/02/2015 16:29

God, what utter wankers! I feel for their missus' given that they think that the best ending to a film is that the woman dies..... Do you think they call their wives 'a bit of tit' to their faces? Or do you think they manage to muster a modicum of respect for their life partners?

I'm not sure I'd have said anything at the time, as Pilchard says, barber shops are very much male spaces, but speaking like that in front of a strangers children does make you wonder what they say in front of their own children, and what that is telling their children about the world and about relationships between men and women. I would just never go back. The last town I lived in, there was a barber's shop which had a couple of female barbers, and the atmosphere was always completely different, maybe look for something similar?

EBearhug · 28/02/2015 23:07

"You'd have thought it would 'av 'ad a better ending, like him killing her or summat"

"Or him being arrested for rape." (No, I wouldn't have said it in that sort of situation, either, but I might have said something about it not being okay to say that sort of thing in public if I was having a confident day.

uglyswan · 01/03/2015 21:09

Eurgh, sorry OP. That's revolting. It's perfectly OK not to say anything, or just get up and leave pointedly. Or if you'd like to indulge in some esprit d'escalier, how about "I wouldn't bother with the haircut, it's the inside of your head that's ugly as shit"?

loveareadingthanks · 02/03/2015 12:22

I've been in quite a few barbers shops and none of them have had that sort of conversation going on. Find a new barbers.

BreakingDad77 · 02/03/2015 13:48

It is sad that this has happened but in some ways it has opened your mind to what you DS will experience and how this talk is normalised within men.

Again a reason to talk to your DS to be able to frame this talk so they don't end up like Vivacias boys on the bus.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 06/03/2015 18:00

I'd have said there wasn't enough cock in it.

Perhaps not in front of you DS though.

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