Views on working/staying at home

[Lucysaysno]

I am WOHM considering my options at the moment. I am a senior exec as is DH. However my job entails long hours 5 days per week (9 hours in office, commute, 4 hours at home after DS has gone down to bed). We have good support in terms of a cleaner but no family nearby. There is no part time option or flexible working arrangement in my line of work so that's not going to be a runner. I am utterly frustrated at never seeing my DS and missing out on time with him. I'm also completely and absolutely exhausted all the time. I've worked incredibly hard to get to where I am in my career but I do not enjoy my job. I have great colleagues but the work itself leaves me cold and what has kept me at it for so long has been (a) the thrill of the chase in terms of being promoted which has worn off now that I'm at a senior level and (b) the financial necessity which no longer exists because of DHs career progression.

I'm disinclined to move to a more junior less demanding role as I would still miss out on my son to the same extent though I probably wouldn't have to do the exhausting evening work from home. Clearly part time work would be ideal but that is absolutely unavailable in my line if work.

I'm seriously considering taking some time out of working outside the home and being a SAHM. The only thing holding me back is my ideological difficulty with relying on my lovely DH for money....

Any views? Experiences?

[Aqui5a]

Absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM. Throw your ideology out the window. You only live once, so enjoy being part of a good family! :D

[Monison]

I am currently not employed due to childcare and 'relying' on my dh. Childcare costs were too high with our dts to really make both of us working worthwhile. What has been really important is that all money is ours, definitely not his. We both have equal access to bank accounts and neither of us thinks of it as him supporting me: we are both supporting the family in important ways. I am planning on going back and we have also agreed to spend money on retraining so that I am not too disadvantaged by being out for a few years. There are drawbacks of course but overall I feel fortunate to have been able to spend time with the children. Good luck

[ApplesTheHare]

You're never going to get to the end of your life and wish you'd spend less time with your DS when he's young

[WorkingBling]

I don't think being a sahm is anti feminist. If it's something you and dh agree on. And very importantly, you need to continue to be partners - partnership is not about equal financial contributions but about equal respect for each other and both pulling your weight in whatever way works for you as a family.

I would also say if you do want to work, there probably are options you just don't realise. Freelance consulting, charity work, mentoring etc. take some time as a sahm to think about it.

5 years ago I would have said I didn't have any choices. Today I run my own small business and while it comes with its own stes and financial issues, I am broadly happier than ever.m

[Bonsoir]

Missing out on your DC for a job you do not enjoy and a lifestyle that shatters you when there is no financial necessity only makes sense if your relationship with your DH is weak. Is it?

[ChunkyPickle]

Forget even the sahm bit, if you've reached a plateau, and you're not enjoying it, and you can, then take a career break. Best thing ever, taking a 6 month break every 5-10 years, refreshed you, gives you a chance to look around and figure out what you want to do next, plus in your case you get to stay with your kid for a bit.

Do it. There will always be more jobs.

[LadyBlaBlah]

How old is your ds?

[Lucysaysno]

Thanks.
Relationship with DH is and always had been very strong - I am very very lucky. We already share and have joint access to everything. He is happy for me to take a step back and to spend time at home. I think I know what I need to do.

[Lucysaysno]

Had = has

[PuffinsAreFictitious]

The idea that feminists oppose women who wish to stay at home is a load of old bollocks. I've not seen anyone (worth listening to) say that being a SAHM makes you less of a feminist or less of a woman. However, as Buffy says, it can put women at a disadvantage if, 10-15 years down the line the husband leaves and the woman is left with a 10-15 year gap in her work record and with children and a mortgage to support.

Lucy, you must do what it best for you and your family. If taking a couple of years out and doing something less formal with your skills would be best, then do that, no one here will judge you.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Have you considered setting your own business up, becoming your own boss and working when you want to.
Or you could get dh to pay you for your childcare contribution as an employee.
I know, that sounds bad, but its your independence and a wage.
Of course it would go if you divorced, but not all marriages end in divorce you could still be just as happy in 30 years.

[RJnomore]

Lucy I disagree here.

From a feminist perspective, have you considered the implications of both you and DH dropping a day at work?

From a practical perspective, you seem to be driven by the fact you don't enjoy your job. I am going to be brave and say that I think you will find being a sahm depressing and isolating after operating at the level you obivously had.

Also I would caution any woman in any relationship against giving up their earning power and being financially dependent upon their partner.

I don't really care if thats unpopular, I think you deserve someone to voice it so that you take it into your considerations, relationships board is full of women who never thought their relationship would end. I am not implying yours will but please, think about it.

[BuggersMuddle]

I couldn't extrapolate from your post - which of you (you or DH) is more senior / earns more? That does't include career potential, which is also a consideration.

The reason I ask is that your post sounds fairly equal work and income wise, until it comes to giving up work, which of course sits with you...

[ChunkyPickle]

Rj, I do actually agree, but I'm driven to give my answer from the not enjoying job perspective, and I'd give the same advice to he husband too (dp took a career break after a particularly tought time too)

It's why I said six months. Enough time for a good break, but also to quite possible realise that sahm isn't for you. By giving a review period you have an out if you need it with no need for further soul searching

[whodrankmycoffee]

Could you apply for another job?
If the issue is you don't like your current job what is to stop you getting another. I know you have said your current job is high pressured. However with another employer the culture could be entirely different.

If you ignore the DC if you were unhappy and stressed with your job and without children you wouldn't slog it out. You would find a different job.

I am in the camp of maintain your financial independence. How you achieve that is your business but I think it should be a consideration. Life and people can be unpredictable.

[PilchardPrincess]

Reading your post I thought:

Your current job sounds like extremely hard work, even if you didn't have children. 15 hour days (assuming a 1 hour commute) is a lot.

You do have options other than carry on what you're doing / jack it in. Different companies, slightly different roles, you must have transferable skills, also has anyone tried to poach / headhunt you - I expect they have and if you move you can negotiate terms.

Have you considered a career coach, I used to work with some and I was a bit sceptical (because I'm like that ) but they were really good. Bringing an outside perspective and getting you to think about what you really want and how to achieve that.

That's what I thought when I read your post.

On SAH/WOH you should do what fits best in terms of your wants and needs and how that balances with your partner and family. There is no right or wrong or feminist answer here.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I think you can do whatever works for you and your family - that's what feminism is. However I too think that dropping everything to suddenly plunge into SAHP-ing can be a bit of a shock to the system.

I note you've said PT work isnt possible in your role, but have you properly explored that? Big companies are often desperate to retain women at your level so it's worth having that discussion. You may be surprised at what they'll do - or what's coming up in their HR policies, I've worked with 2 companies in the last 6 months who are launching initiatives round supporting senior women through to board levels.

Alternatively - could you take a sabbatical? 3 months at home would help you see if SAHP is really right for you, before cutting the cord with your job.

I'm not saying any of this because I think you'd be letting the sisterhood down btw! But more that you have obviously worked really hard to get to where you are, and it's worth exploring if there's a way to make that work for you, now.

[PreviouslyMal]

Being there day in, day out for your children is as valuable and worthy as having a career.
If your husband is a decent man who understands that then go for it, your kids are only little for a short time, being a full time parent is not "sponging " off your husband/wife, it's an equal contribution as paid work.
It sounds like you are living to work rather than working to live, not a good situation for anyone.
You could retrain in another career if you wanted, or simply have a "job" .

[chocoluvva]

If you and your DH are happy for you to be a SAHM - that's great. We are all dependent on other people all through our lives in different ways. It might or might not be considered to be taking a risk to be financially dependent on your DH - but that's up to you. In some/(most) situations it might not be wise to give up your financial independence but it's not immoral to choose to give it up. You'll be a team with distinct roles - he will be the breadwinner and you will be the main homemaker and family organiser - what on earth is wrong with that?

You can re-enter the world of work when your DS is older anyway.

[Lucysaysno]

This is all good food for thought. To clarify, I am senior but my DH even more so in his work and he earns more. He is also much more career oriented and driven than I. I actually think that I would love being a SAHP - I love being at home and really enjoyed maternity leave. If I do give up work I'm going to look into the self employment route -maybe not straight away but in time

[chocoluvva]

I heartily recommend it - so much more freedom people who think it must be boring must be very unimaginative IMO - though each to their own of course - which is, after all the point of feminism - equal choices for men and women.

[PilchardPrincess]

Well if you can afford it and you and DH are happy with that then why not.

I know it's a hard thing to give up a good job that you've worked so hard for, but you don't need anyone's permission And it doesn't need to mean a closed door forever if you play your cards right.

[BobbyDarin]

I'd say it really depends what your aspirations are. If you think you might take a few years off but then pick up your career again, I'd say you should think very hard before you do it.

I did it, a few years ago, and imagined for a long time that I would have no trouble walking back into a job. Several years of self-employment later, I'm looking for a job again and the reality is that I'm a much less attractive prospect than before I quit. I've already resigned myself to a substantial pay-cut if I do get something and I'm also considering retraining.

Perhaps try to answer these questions - how many people do you know in your industry who are in work after a career break and are they doing the sorts of things you might want to do? If you're thinking about self-employment, are you really, honestly a self-starter, and do you always finish what you start?