Gender discrimination, self-confidence, group dysfunction, a bit of everything?

[TheMouseBitesBack]

Sorry this is long, but don't want to drip feed. The issue still bothers me some what, probably because I don't think I dealt with it appropriately at the time; depression, confidence issues etc, even though I can rationalise things now I'm away from the situation.

I've also been reading a bit of Andrea Dworkin recently which is having an influence on my thinking, alongside research dealing with confidence. I know things can't be pigeon holed neatly into categories, but would be interested in any thoughts if you can wade your way through the essay.

I recently belonged to a volunteer group, consisting of myself, three other females and one male.

When I first joined I was informed that if the male suggested something that others didn't agree with, they would ignore the email/carry the idea forward to be discussed at later date, so he'd 'give up' on the idea. Presumably to balance this, for some suggestions it was 'let him get on with it'; the idea being if nobody else stepped in and helped/carried the suggestion forward nothing would occur. Often told to 'just leave it', or 'I'll deal with it, he needs to be carefully managed' etc

The male comes across as confident and knowledgeable, he would regularly put forward ideas, he would provide no research or evidence just state that the ideas were workable/financially viable. 'Yeah, yeah, I'm right/it will work' and got quite defensive when challenged, he has a horrible habit of talking at people.

I, on the other hand, am quite un-confident, I prefer listening and asking questions of people. I don't tend to spout off unless I know what I'm talking about, if somebody tells me I'm wrong; unless I'm sure of the topic, I'm not very good at arguing my point, but I will research it afterwards if it matters/is an interesting topic. DH's opinion is that though he know I'm not confident, I am competent, which makes me come across as confident to others and as somebody worthwhile talking/listening to. I also like to be sure what I'm doing is right(ish) as it saves time and effort getting it right the first time.

It's not hard to see that we clashed.

For example he'd state we needed to control x immediately, it is a legal requirement, here's a quote.
I'd look it up, find the most recent policy, find there is no need for control unless directed by the council. His quote is ten years out of date. I suggest alternative forms of control.
The others agreed with his idea, suggesting they would look at my suggestions the following year. He purchased the control, half a can was applied once, the rest was left in his garage. Idea not re-looked at.

I'd ask if he could do x, y, z, in a certain way, he'd do the opposite. I learnt that if I said to one of the other females that x, y, z needs doing, he would gleefully state a few days later, that M asked me to do this job. I'd bite my tongue.

This wasn't much of a problem until we won a considerable grant.

Male tasked with getting quotes for equipment. The quotes were accepted, despite me mentioning my reservations; it was similar to equipment we already had, which wasn't up to the job (I was the predominant user); each time I mentioned the equipment I was ignored, brushed off, or my concerns were minimised.
I persisted with bringing up my reservations. Eventually, (after 8 months) the male was tasked with re-looking at equipment, comes back with numerous quotes for outsourcing costing £££'s.

When I asked why we were outsourcing, when the idea was the equipment purchased should be able to do the job, I was informed by male that I am a bully, he is fed up with me questioning him all the time, and will no longer speak to me unless I go through the Chair!

I spoke to the vendor who stated they weren't asked for recommendations originally, only quotes on specific machines. It had only been the previous week they had been approached for recommendations (which happened to be one of the outsourced options). I wrote a report back to Chair and treasurer; informed they would talk to male and 'make sure he would be OK, with the recommendation'. It turns out he didn't look at this option originally because he thought it would be too expensive; in reality the recommended option cost half of his quote.

I'd be here all night if I gave more examples, needless to say they all followed similar themes. I left the group in the end as it was causing me significant dissonance and I felt as though I was being 'carefully managed', but couldn't understand why. I couldn't understand why the group would accept the majority of what the male said without question, despite him being proved wrong on numerous occasions, or why I had to provide 'evidence' before I'd be listened to, despite never misleading or causing additional expenditure.

When I asked one of the people involved later why they accepted without question everything he said, yet they would ignore my opinion, even when I resorted to putting my findings in writing. I was informed it was because we both have strong personalities and this particular person couldn't be bothered to read an A4 page of research.


Any tips, suggestions, reading, in case I ever find myself in such a situation in future? (Other than, don't give it head space)

[UptoapointLordCopper]

I'm sorry you had such an experience. Given the state of mind I'm in these days I would be tempted to call your other co-workers cowards. Which would be really unhelpful... I don't know what I'd do in your situation, but these days I find myself being rather blunt about things, and to say outright when people are being sexist, and even to quote word for word useful things from books and from these boards . I don't know if it made any difference in how things run the course, but it certainly made me feel better and less angry with myself.

[TheMouseBitesBack]

T

[TheMouseBitesBack]

Thank you for your responses, not minimising the issue and how it made me feel. I think what annoys me the most is the actions of the females. The bloke is a knob, but the damage he causes could have been mitigated if people would pull him up, or backed me when I was prepared to, rather than sweeping it under the carpet.

It was reading Dworkin that made me reconsider why everybody involved, including myself, acted why we did.

Yes I do consider them all cowards. I did put in a complaint of inequality, misspending and failure to research after I left. Finally received a response, stating it was all my fault. Oddly enough due to my lack of questioning.

[TheMouseBitesBack]

Thank you for your responses, not minimising the issue and how it made me feel. I think what annoys me the most is the actions of the females. The bloke is a knob, but the damage he causes could have been mitigated if people would pull him up, or backed me when I was prepared to, rather than sweeping it under the carpet.

It was reading Dworkin that made me reconsider why everybody involved, including myself, acted why we did.

Yes I do consider them all cowards. I did put in a complaint of inequality, misspending and failure to research after I left. Finally received a response, stating it was all my fault. Oddly enough due to my lack of questioning.