"too much of a bimbo to be a feminist"

[JokersGiggle]

That's what my friend said to me.
She saw the book "everyday sexism" on my coffee table earlier and burst out laughing. I asked her what was funny and she said it was nothing, we carried on as normal then she left.
She's just emailed me saying "sweetie I saw your little feminist book earlier and I need to point something out to you - your too much of a bimbo to be a feminist! You wear makeup, have highlights, like to look good, didn't go to uni and you let your guy look after you"
i'm really hurt by this. Yes I like to look good as it make me happy. I didn't go to uni, I choose to work my way up in my career (and personally I think I've done well). Yes I do let dp take me out for dinner once or twice a week but that's because I cook each evening and as dp is a truely awful cook he like to take me out so im not cooking every night of the week as his contribution to food. And yes he does pay for more things than me but he earns quite a lot more than me so we devide bills in relation to salary rather than 50/50.
How do I explain that feminism isn't about how you look, who you are, what you do or how you've been educated; its a way of thinking and a way of life. I've tried but each draft email sounds either snobby or shows how much she's hurt me.
Can anyone help?

[Whoopsiepoopsie]

What a patronising knob.

Ditch her immediately

[PortofinoRevisited]

She really texted you that?

[Lottiedoubtie]

I'd compose a very short reply.

"You do not get to choose who is a feminist. You do not appear to quite understand what constitutes a feminist. I find your email very patronising. Fuck off."

Last sentence optional.

[poorbuthappy]

Nah.
I'd just go with fuck off.

[LadyNexus]

That last sentence is totally not optional.

[Bluestocking]

She's no friend, and no feminist either! Silly woman. Don't respond to her text and ditch her.

[WorraLiberty]

I'd go with what Lottie said but I'd omit every word before "Fuck off."

[RhondaJean]

I wouldn't worry about letting her see how much she's hurt you tbh.

Wanting to look good doesn't make you a bimbo.

Uni is not the be all and end all.

Everyone's partner should look after them.

Why does she feel insecure around you?

[Greenstone]

I personally would not reply at all to the mail as sometimes I think an 'I'm embarrassed for you' silence is the most effective way to respond to outright rudeness/ignorance. Sounds like she wanted a bit of an argy bargy about it, maybe she's been stewing over it for a while for some reason? I would not allow her to vent to me so I wouldn't reply, just continue to keep my reading material visible! But I probably would have to sellotape my fingers together to not reply!

[duende]

What a patronising, shallow and ignorant comment. She clearly has no idea.
Is she a good friend otherwise? I think I'd struggle to spend time with her tbh.

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

Well, maybe you could just text her the dictionary definition of feminism and point out that feminism is basically about belief.

Or tell her to fuck off.

Or both.

[JokersGiggle]

I'm getting really angry now!
I'm going to leave replying for a day or so to cool off then I'll tell her I have no intention of continuing our friendship.
The last thing I need is someone dragging me down when i'm going through a stressful time.
Its a Shame as before she got married she'd never dream of saying something like that, she was great to be around and a really empowering friend. Marriage has changed her and not in a good way .
Oh well, I guess i'm better off without her.

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

Sorry you're going through a stressful time, Jokers. Maybe she can be educated. Sometimes if people have feminism explained to them and hear a personal explanation from a friend, it can adjust their perceptions. Might be worth a chance, especially if she was an empowering friend in the past.

[CatsCantTwerk]

I never post on this topic but if she is your friend, talk to her. I know nothing about feminism but I know my fiends and if I had a problem I would speak to them and they would respond.

[EBearhug]

Since when was going to uni a qualification for feminism?

I assume she hasn't read your "little feminism book"? I'd be tempted to send her a copy along with a note to say I'm sticking to my non-patronising friends from now on.

[JokersGiggle]

Before she was married she'd was one of those friends who you could call for help any time of the day or night and she'd happily do anything to help. She had a good career and always had options/views to share.
Since being married she's stopped working, has become obsessed with little trivial things like her coat being the EXACT shade of beige, the coffee being from the same place in Arabia, and if we eat out then God help the people serving us! The food must be cooked to perfection and placed in her idea of perfection. She'll send food back to be re-arranged with a diagram on a napkin for the poor waitress. And she's so critical of herself and others. It now takes her hours to get really and she enjoys when we're out saying loudly "oh my God! look at the womans (insert body part or item of clothing) its soooooo (insert insult".
I'd fight for my old friend (who would never make a comment like that) but this new version of her i'm not sure I want to be around.

[JaneParker]

Of course you are a feminist. Silly her. No one has control over the word or its definition.

Go forth and out earn your man, though.. it's fun. Good luck with the career.

[ReallyFuckingFedUp]

I wouldn't bother with friendship she isn't worth it. I'd also be concerned about her relationship that she now enjoys ripping women to shreds to make herself feel better, she sounds miserable in herself and her choices.


Not that is an excuse.

[Lottiedoubtie]

That's a weird personality transplant after a marriage?

Is it worth sitting her down and pointing it all out to her? Trying to find out what's wrong?

[AskBasil]

"You clearly haven't done the reading about feminism, may I recommend Mumsnet FWR as a useful starting point. Meanwhile I'm sorry that you feel so insecure and unhappy that you feel the need to put me down but I have too much respect for myself to want to have someone in my life who does that. Come back to me if and when you've decided not to do that anymore".

Fuck off at the end is optional.

[JokersGiggle]

I am furious! Woke up this morning to a text from her -
Hey babes I soz if I rubbed you the wrong way last night. You can be a feminist sympathiser if ya like, I won't say anything bad (to your face lol only joking!) Wanna come over for wine later?"
I've messaged back saying "no thanks" and left it at that.
Re career I'll never out earn dp (just being practical) but Im working with children so I gauge my success by changing childrens attitudes. It breaks my heart when the girls say things like "I want to build a spaceship but im a girl, that's a boy job"
Id rather earn less but educate children.

[SandorClegane]

Your 'friend' doesn't even have a minimal understanding about what constitutes feminism and what qualifies someone to describe themselves as a feminist so her twattery can be totally disregarded. She sounds like a total pain in the arse, how fortunate you have the perfect excuse to ditch her.

[Staywithme]

If you do respond, you've already the perfect words.

"I'd fight for my old friend(who would never make a comment like that) but this new version of you I'm not sure I want to be around. "

[Lottiedoubtie]

I don't understand why she thinks she gets a say in your beliefs/lifestyle? It's a very odd approach. I'm sure there are lots of people in the world rude enough to think these types of things, but to be ignorant enough to text them to the person...twice... That's really bizarre behaviour.