Need help on deciding whether to continue seeing this CPN

(118 Posts)
Itsmynamechange Mon 02-Jun-14 13:48:41

I may post this on the MH board as well but for the minute I'd like to post in what I know to be a very supportive place.

I have a raft of MH issues inc. depression (PN & regular!), OCD (PN & regular) as well as possibly PTSD from various traumatic experiences inc. rape. Yes I am a mess sad

I have been referred to a CPN by my GP as my current set of meds just isn't cutting it and I am feeling suicidal. I saw the CPN today at a health clinic.

I was talking about my XP who raped me while I was asleep after I miscarried his baby due to a suicide attempt (first bf, rather naive as a teen, didn't know I was pg, rapes didn't happen directly after but a few weeks post miscarriage) and how when he gave up raping me he would still molest me while I slept (hands inside me etc).

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his and he didn't see it as rape/abuse as it had been done by my then boyfriend and it 'he' (my XP) was feeling 'horny' that it would be normal for him to begin touching me sexually if I was sleeping next to him. I explain consent has to be given for it to be not assault/abuse as if you are asleep you can't consent let alone give enthusiastic consent. He seemed fairly shocked by this concept and suggested I post on facebook to see what other people thought (I had said I try to block out my thoughts by faffing about playing games/facebooking on my mobile rather than deal with life/the children).

We talked for quite a bit more after that and I brought up my being date raped on a 2nd date after I invited the man in question back to mine as the pub was a bit dead (he was a friend of a friend and it was early evening not kicking out time, neither of us were drunk so I thought I'd be safe). The CPN suggested I must have realised 'coming back to mine for a drink' meant come & have sex with me for most men. I explained I said no to sex, kept saying no to sex but gave up and went into shut down mode & let him get on with it (man was a lot taller & stronger than me and I was used to acquiescing to my XP's demands for sex [was easier than risking rape or more physical pain than usual]). The CPN then said something like 'ah, that was your OCD shutting you down'.

The CPN is now going to be paying me a home visit next week.

I don't know what to do (aside for eat my own body weight in valium wink as I'm feeling even more anxious than before the appointment)

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 02-Jun-14 13:54:08

This is awful. Get an emergency appointment today at the GP to discuss. GP can stop the cpn coming

GeordieMama Mon 02-Jun-14 13:55:40

shock
What an awful CPN! I'm outraged by his attitude. I would contact the mental health team to complain and request someone who understands the law around consent and doesn't thinking that victim shaming and blaming is an acceptable thing to do!

Itsmynamechange Mon 02-Jun-14 13:57:08

Is it really that bad or have I just been insulating myself from 'normal' people and that none of it was rape & I'm just a drama llama nutter? I'm really 2nd guessing the last 15y of my life now!!

JustTheRightBullets Mon 02-Jun-14 13:59:57

This is awful. I would complain about this man and refuse the appointment. Professionals who make remarks like this shouldn't be allowed to treat vulnerable individuals, and his attitude needs to be flagged up.

I understand why you're anxious, and for the sake of your own mental health you shouldn't see him if you can avoid it.

JustTheRightBullets Mon 02-Jun-14 14:02:57

Frankly his remarks make him sound predatory and groom-y. Making vulnerable people feel that their perceptions are wrong, that 'this is what everyone does', that sexual assault is normal and you are weird to complain or be traumatised...

Doyouthinktheysaurus Mon 02-Jun-14 14:03:23

Speaking as an RMN, you need to make an official complaint!

The comments are disgraceful and aside from the obvious disgusting views he expressed, there is no situation ever in which he should have been sharing his own sexual history.

I'm absolutely horrified and would go straight to my manager if I ever got wind that a colleague was making similar comments.

KittiesInsane Mon 02-Jun-14 14:05:23

'He didn't see it as abuse' -- so he's saying he's fine with abusing and raping girlfriends?

Nope, not an overreaction not to want to see him again.

CailinDana Mon 02-Jun-14 14:19:10

Dear God. Absolutely under no circumstances let this fucker into your house. If you're up to it, please make a complaint.

The circumstances you describe with your exP and the man you dated were absolutely and definitely rape, and only a rapist would claim that they are not. He basically told you that it is ok for man to have sex with a sleeping woman/a woman who says no, as long as he's horny or as long as he has invited him back to her house. What a scary arsehole he is, it is really frightening that someone like him works with vulnerable people.

How are you feeling?

BriarRainbowshimmer Mon 02-Jun-14 14:27:28

Oh God. You're NOT overreacting. He needs to be reported! Don't let him visit!!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Mon 02-Jun-14 14:35:17

Oh my God! What everyone else said! That is seriously disturbing. Cancel the visit or don't answer the door to him. Don't see him again, and if you feel you can, yes make a complaint.

You are not a drama llama - an NCP should not have said those things to you.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg Mon 02-Jun-14 14:39:46

OMG!

Get him reported and do not go near him again. What a horrid rape apologist.

Itsmynamechange Mon 02-Jun-14 14:46:30

I feel a bit lot confused now. My MIL is over as she looked after the children while I went to the appt and she doesn't know my history (or my MH situation) so I can't talk to my DH about it yet (I normally would have blubbed all over him by now!) & I'm trying to act normal around the children so have thrown myself into doing some planting with the them. I really want to cry & feel all shaky and adrenaline-y (fight or flight or freeze response I guess). I nearly ran out of the appt when he started on about him & his sleeping partners but froze as I was worried about what would happen if I did (lose the children/get [I can't remember the proper word] sent to a MH unit).

I think I'll have to talk it over with DH tonight but how/who do I make a complaint/flag this with? I've never been to this clinic before (it's new) and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm wading through mental treacle tbh.

Thank you all for your supportive words and kindness. I was half afraid I'd be told to pull myself together (note to self - must not read AIBU threads about disability/MH when I'm feeling vulnerable)

CaptChaos Mon 02-Jun-14 14:46:38

Dear god! Do not let this rapey vile man into your house, it will never feel clean again! I would also go to your GP with a copy of your OP and tell them that there is no way on god's green earth that you will entertain a visit from this creep! I would also report him, not only to his CMHT manager, but I would seriously consider speaking to the NMC this man should not be allowed to practice with those attitudes.

Have you support for today/this evening? How are you feeling now? NONE of this is your fault, you are not a drama llama.

I believe you.

CailinDana Mon 02-Jun-14 14:52:34

I'm not surprised you feel so awful. What he did basically amounts to abuse. He is in a position of authority and he told you that you should accept being raped. How many other women has he spoken to in this way? Imagine if your DH was abusive and he sent you home thinking you had to put up with a lifetime of rape?

I don't think you have any responsibility whatsoever to do anything about this utter wankstain but if you do feel up to it, then I think you should make a very serious formal complaint about him. He is not fit to work with vulnerable people - he advocates rape FFS!!

I feel very angry on your behalf.

Doyouthinktheysaurus Mon 02-Jun-14 15:01:31

If you have the details of the clinic, there should be details of the manager that you can email or call. Alternatively the clinic details including management should be on the trust website so look online.

It's really important you do make a complaint, people like this should not be practising and are frankly, extremely dangerous to vulnerable people.

As someone up thread said, the NMC has lots of info about making a complaint.

NanaNina Mon 02-Jun-14 15:06:04

I absolutely agree with everyone. You mention going to a clinic. Can you go back there and ask for the name of the CPN's line manager and ask for an urgent appointment. There will be a complaint's procedure that you will have to follow, and you must complain, you really must - but firstly you need to put a stop to the visit. If he comes to your house, refuse to let him in.

You could print off your post or type it out again and make sure his manager has a copy......I know it's difficult when you are vulnerable because of your mental health, but you really must be courageous and stop this man from getting anywhere near vulnerable women.

AskBasil Mon 02-Jun-14 18:49:24

itsmynamechange please don't feel you must complain about this man. It is not your job to keep him away from vulnerable women, it's his employer's and it's not your responsibility how he acts, it's his. Your job is to protect you; to put your needs first and that means if you don't feel up to reporting him, then don't feel obliged to and don't feel guilty - you are not responsible for this man's behaviour. Speak to your DH, get RL support, cancel the appointment, complain if you are up to it and don't if you are not. Put your needs first.

CailinDana Mon 02-Jun-14 19:06:36

I agree with AskBasil. The fact that he treated you badly does not mean that you are responsible for him. If you don't feel up to reporting him, that's fine, don't feel guilty. It's not your job to protect the world from fuckwits.

fridayfreedom Mon 02-Jun-14 19:12:12

As above contact his manager, this is far from professional and acceptable behaviour.
Also find out the number of your local PALS, should be on the health trust website. They will support you with any concerns and complaints.
I work in mental health and would report a colleague for this behaviour.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Mon 02-Jun-14 19:41:31

Even if he didn't think it was rape in what way did he think he could discuss his "sex" life with you? He is a predator, and unlike the posters before me I do think you have to report him. If you aren't up to giving personal testimony etc I can understand that, but literally what you wrote in your post. Send that to his boss. Send that to somebody. Just so someone somewhere has the idea in their head that this person needs to be watched.

ReallyFuckingFedUp Mon 02-Jun-14 19:42:19

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his

sorry, my post was in response to this ^

JokersGiggle Mon 02-Jun-14 20:20:55

Don't let him near you. You are in a vulnerable state and he is in a role of authority. Who knows what he could say/do in the seclusion of your home. Its a dangerous situation.
It makes me sick to think of professional people having that view but to openly admit to doing it makes me so angry and heart broken.
Even my dog knows not to hump people while they're asleep!!!
Keep yourself safe. Cancel the appointment, complain about him (if you feel strong enough, we'll all support you either way) and avoid all contact with him.
Don't let anyone tell you what happened to you was ok - none of it was. they were crimes. They were evil. most importantly they categorically were not in any way your fault.
You CAN get through this
You ARE strong
And you CAN DO ANYTHING you set your mind to.
Others have put you down and pushed you around but now is the time to stand up and say "enough is enough". Set an example for you children and don't put up with any more crap.

NanaNina Mon 02-Jun-14 23:05:27

AskBasil and Cailin - totally disagree with you. Of course it is the manager's job to ensure this CPN carries out his job in a professional manner but how are they going to get evidence unless he is reported. In any event I think the OP needs to make a formal complaint for herself, and the way in which she was treated.

I can't believe that you think this should go unreported - are you men by any chance?

Itsmynamechange Mon 02-Jun-14 23:48:59

Hi all, I've spoken with a friend who has is in an allied profession (different area though) and they are going to help me make a complaint about the CPN.

TBH if I didn't have MN or my friend or DH telling me this was not OK I think I would be just swallowing it down and trying to forget how creeped out I feel.

Funny how years of abuse and precarious MH will make you so eager to minimise and able to accept/put up with boundary overstepping behaviour...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now