How can I get proper respect back?

(15 Posts)
ladyluckylula Mon 17-Mar-14 11:08:12

In the pub with friends this is the conversation:

Friend: poker night? Fancy?
Dh: yea
Me: you're not going to bet the house are you?
Friend: no nothing like that
Dh: no, I'd sooner bet my wife than the house
Me: stunned silence followed my embarrassed laugh followed by complete anger.

I am still trying to compute this one. I'm upset. I should be , right? Or am I over reacting?

Just wish I was quick witted enough to put him in his place. Had a huge go at him afterwards.

How come my dh has turned into such a pr**k since having children?

Oh dear.

Badly judged but generally well intentioned joke? Or part of a pattern of being a twat?

ladyluckylula Mon 17-Mar-14 11:13:32

Generally he's fine. Just he's got a habit of making me the butt of the jokes. Possibly when I need a bit of a boost and positives from him instead. Just needed to tell someone and get in off my chest.

EatShitDerek Mon 17-Mar-14 11:15:15

Its just a joke. Nothing to do with respect. I have heard couples say similar about each other. Just like when people say they would sell their children. Its a joke

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 17-Mar-14 11:18:57

The proper response would have been to put your hands together and say 'I really hope X [the hottest person you know] is in on this game and good at poker, in every way'.

MorrisZapp Mon 17-Mar-14 11:24:02

He was just joking I suspect, although it's the lamest type of humour.

I must confess that depending who I'm with, sometimes I make fairly rubbish, stereotypical gender 'jokes'. They usually raise a medium sized laugh and nobody is annoyed.

I think I'm playing to my audience though.

What else has he done to make you say he's a prick?

msrisotto Mon 17-Mar-14 11:26:52

As a one off, it's just a joke. But, if as you say, he's making it a habit to make you the butt of his jokes, then yeah, it's incredibly disrespectful. I'm not the best with advice I'll be honest with you - try making him the butt of all your jokes in public, see if he likes how it feels. (Told you, terrible with advice).

Doesn't matter whether other people would have found it funny or reacted in a different way, what matters is how it makes you feel.

If it was a badly judged joke, then once you tell him how you feel he should be very apologetic and try not to repeat this mistake.

DH once memorably did this to me, I was in the pub with him and several of his friends (all of whom I like very much) enjoying a silly conversation about off road driving and land rovers. DH turns to me and says "oh dear, this must be very boring for you, we should be talking about knitting"

I was shock and obviously sad. Everyone else was blush. He was mortified. He meant it as a joke, he thought everyone would laugh. But afterwards, he was very apologetic indeed and has not done anything similar since.

ladyluckylula Mon 17-Mar-14 11:52:17

I think I'm possibly a bit sensitive. Love your comment funkyboldribena. Wish I had thought of that. I do have a sense of humour, honest! Just think after a couple of years of staying mainly at home doing mainly child rearing (I do work from home too) maybe my confidence has been shot to pieces.

He did apologise once prompted. He wasn't devastated though. My period will probably arrive tomorrow and I will wonder what all the fuss was about (good job DH didn't say that!)

If you feel totally happy that it's you being a bit sensitive or whatever, then fine smile

But when you started this thread, you felt that you didn't have "proper respect" from your DH, and that feeling isn't you being over-sensitive or having PMT. If that's how you really feel, then it's totally valid to be annoyed about it and it's completely within your rights to expect to be treated with respect by your DH.

Not trying to tell you how you should feel, just want you to know that you don't have to minimise your feelings here or put them down to PMT. This is how women's genuine grievances are often dismissed.

UptoapointLordCopper Mon 17-Mar-14 13:33:17

I think any "joke" that treats me as someone else's possession is not funny. angry

See, there's someone else more sensitive than you. wink

ladyluckylula Mon 17-Mar-14 18:02:55

I think in the past something like this wouldn't have meant very much but over the past year I do feel as if DH has treated me differently and there is a lack of respect in how he speaks to me generally. But I have to say it has got a lot better from where we were a year ago when I felt completely resented. He has admitted something to this affect - I think due to going out to work while I 'play' with the kids all day! (Not a clue!) ... A lot has changed due to us having to save our pennies a bit harder than we used to aswell. Which adds pressure I suppose. But I often wonder if I would have a better relationship with him if I went out to work. ... I do in fact run my own little business from home aswell so there are no naps in the day for me.

But I honestly sometimes feel sad that we seem to have lost something. I worry that we haven't protected our relationship from the storms of being a parent.

Here I am on the 'feminist' section when what I really want him to do is turn up with a bunch of flowers for me smile

Wanting your DH to show his affection for you isn't anti-feminist smile

AskBasil Mon 17-Mar-14 19:39:30

"he's got a habit of making me the butt of the jokes."

Have you pointed this out to him?

He needs to get out of this habit.

ladyluckylula Tue 18-Mar-14 14:35:38

Yes I have - he has seemed better the last day thankfully.

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