Feminist men / what can allies do

(39 Posts)

There are a couple of threads going at the moment discussing theoretically how allies could and should behave and on feminist sons. Well this morning, my DH said something amazing.

DH is part of the management team in quite a small company and yesterday, he had a man coming to see him. One of his colleagues, not his assistant but below him in the structure, offered to greet the visitor for him and then make them both tea or coffee.

DH said (and I quote) "Thanks so much for that thoughtful offer, but I don't want to be part of such a stereotyped situation where the woman makes a drink for the men. If we want a drink, I will take him into the kitchen and he can watch me make a drink for us both"

I feel proud of him smile

newbieman1978 Thu 06-Feb-14 17:02:02

There are some feminist men around, I'm one of them and clearly your husband is on board.

Power to the people whatevers between your legs!

CailinDana Thu 06-Feb-14 17:52:54

Well done your dh. It's practical things like that, however small, that make the difference.

Yeah, he's a good 'un. smile

I was hoping that this thread might encourage others to recall examples of men who had done rather than talked about their support for women's equality.

Anyone?

Shufty Thu 06-Feb-14 18:46:16

Im not sure there is feminist men i prefer allie.

freyasnow Thu 06-Feb-14 19:11:13

I prefer feminist and dislike the term ally.

freyasnow Thu 06-Feb-14 19:15:05

I think any situations where somebody is being harassed and someone else speaks up to stop it,.

freyasnow Thu 06-Feb-14 19:20:43

Also domestic violence situations, particularly ones happening in public, where somebody immediately intervenes. I have seen that happen a few times.

And men who routinely cross the road at night rather than walk behind a woman.

freyasnow Thu 06-Feb-14 19:23:25

Also domestic violence situations, particularly ones happening in public, where somebody immediately intervenes. I have seen that happen a few times.

And men who routinely cross the road at night rather than walk behind a woman.

WidowWadman Thu 06-Feb-14 21:47:58

Until you quoted your husband I didn't realise the colleague was a woman - whilst his comment "I don't want to be part of such a stereotyped situation where the woman makes a drink for the men." at first glance is great, also could be understood to be a little bit patronising, couldn't it, even if it's not meant that way.

Really don't like the term ally.

Yes, it could. It's a minefield, isn't it smile

Pan Thu 06-Feb-14 22:23:20

Buffy, I wouldn't wish to entirely piss on this parade, but it isn't exactly amazing is it? It's just 'reasonable'. The visitor would have gotten the same message if dh just said 'I'll do it' without being so self-conscious about it. IF the woman knew him at all, she would prob. have thought, "yep, that's what he's like" and know why he did that thing.
There's no medals handed out for the " how you treat the receptionist" mode.

Am I being harsh there?

Pan Thu 06-Feb-14 22:25:21

and of course it should have just happened without him telling you about it.

It's not a parade, Pan

<gestures to absence of bunting and brass bands>

Dh didn't say this while the visitor was there, in a showy off way. He just said it to his colleague.

Do you like me better when I am ranting about patriarchy rather than approving of the behaviour of individual men who are deliberately taking a stand against gender stereotypes and saying expressly that this is what they are doing?

<shrug>

I just wanted to hear other examples of men doing positive things. smile

No Pan it should not have happened without him telling me about it. We should all live in a society where it would be absolutely ridiculous to have even a suggestion that a woman should provide a domestic service for a man, just because of their respective sexes.

But we don't. So it's necessary to bring up this stuff.

There are plenty of examples people can post about them being expected to make tea or take the minutes because they were female. This is someone expressly rejecting that stereotype.

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 22:30:10

When my H openly did the hmm reaction at a married male acquaintance's visit to a known sex tourism hotspot

Now you see, AF gets it grin

<sticks gold star to AF's chart>

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 22:32:16

oooOOoo shiny gold star, it matches my nail varnish smile

Yes, I chose it specially. See how shiny it is? smile

Pan Thu 06-Feb-14 22:35:36

<am sure AF's and her H's chart is already festooned!>

I thought I could be being a bit harsh and said so. And of course you're right about the stuff you say.

My DH asked for a no more page 3 t shirt and got it in pink. He was very boastful when I went off and protested about it too. When a friend of his said in disparaging voice "your DW is a bit rad fem" DH said proudly "definitely "

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 22:37:46

How about the bloke at work who wonders exactly why women would place themselves directly in the firing line of public vitriol for daring to say that a man might take advantage of his privileged position as a telly star to help himself to young girls ?

AnyFucker Thu 06-Feb-14 22:39:17

Pan, tell us what you would think of a married male acquaintances visit to a known sex tourism hotspot (actually, his second visit in a year) < not a trick question >

Pan Thu 06-Feb-14 22:40:57

A very mild example but last year me and another male colleague were discussing some work aspects of a female colleague (quite appropriately) and he said " I Don't want to be sexist, but.." and I cut in and said "Well in that case don't be. Continue." Conversation stopped.

PortofinoRevisited Thu 06-Feb-14 22:41:06

My DH leads the diversity team in his workplace. I still don't think he gets it 100% but he is getting there. I encourage things wink

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