How has your feminism affected those around you?

(37 Posts)
PumpkinGuts Fri 11-Oct-13 14:26:36

DH comes home shouting about sexist things he has seen in the media and gets incredibly ranty about the toys and clothes found in the "girls" section. In a way that could be to with dd too though as she is so un"girly" it's kind of a joke and we both worry about her going to school one day and coming out of her gender neutral bubble. A few friends who appeared to be closet case feminist have started brining up adverts that piss them off etc.

garlicvampire Sun 13-Oct-13 16:45:49

We didn't go into it that much. I've been steadily challenging her assumptions for the last ten years, I have to go easy on her wink
It's a bit galling that she got the point more quickly when Her Man put her straight, but more important that she got it!

Darkesteyes Sun 13-Oct-13 16:27:24

garlic what is her response to the fact that women in burkas get raped.

garlicvampire Sun 13-Oct-13 14:23:26

Me: You're a misogynist.
DB: How can you say that? I love women!
SIL: She's right, you know, DH, you are a misogynist.
Me: You love women, almost as consumables. Look at your fat-shaming!
DB: I don't shame you lardarse.
SIL: But you don't view her as 'women'.
DB: There's some truth in that.

Outcome: They're divorced and DB no longer loves me ... There's more to both stories, but there must be a reason why this exchange stuck in my memory.

Mum: If young women didn't go around dressed like that, they wouldn't get raped.
Me: You can't blame clothes for violent crimes!
Mum: Well, whose fault is it then?
DSF, 85yo: It's the rapists' fault.
Me: Thanks, DSF, of course rapes are the fault of the rapists.
Mum: I never thought of it that way ...

Outcome: She'll never be a feminist. She was an utter handmaiden to my abusive father, and there isn't time for her to alter such ingrained perceptions. But her current relationship's really good for her, and she is noticeably less sexist than before.

So - one loss, one draw. So far!!

BasilBabyEater Sat 12-Oct-13 23:34:32

I think it's made them stop trying to fix me up with deeply unsuitable men who read the Daily Mail for a start. hmm

Other than that, I think it's pissed them off quite a bit. grin

I just hope it's all soaking into people's brains unconsciously.

I have a disabled friend who posts a lot of disability-related things on Facebook, including political issues, and it has really opened my eyes. I'm a lot more outspoken for disabled rights and the injustices they face under the current government. So even though I rarely "like" her posts, they are having a very definite effect on me and the way I think.

I hope the same is happening to others with my feminist posts.

Darkesteyes Sat 12-Oct-13 22:45:06

YY annie My slimming group cant seem to see where im coming from and my feminist shares on fb get ignored too.

Darkesteyes Sat 12-Oct-13 22:37:33

whatdoes smile

scoobydooagain Sat 12-Oct-13 22:37:22

My 4 yr old ds always points out if someone calls me "mrs" and corrects it to scooby!

Darkesteyes, yup, that's pretty much what they think of me too. I think DH has adjusted his thinking slightly, and sees the inherent sexism in things when I point it out to him. And my DDs are only 5 and 8 so I'm brainwashing teaching them feminism at every turn. My mother rolls her eyes and says things like "are you on about that bloody feminism again? Being a woman never held me back!" Um, sure, whatever. Friends on FB ignore my feminist shares and I fight with pretty much everyone on Mumsnet.

It's so hard, isn't it, when you're trying to help make the world nice for everyone except misogynistic bastards, to get constantly shot down by the very folk you're trying to help?

Darkesteyes Sat 12-Oct-13 22:24:48

Annie in my case i think people think im a miserable cow whos slightly aggressive

But if thats what it takes Ill gladly wear those badges.

whatdoesittake48 Sat 12-Oct-13 22:24:09

My daughter who is 11 knows what misogyny means and will point it out when she sees it. My son aged 14 cracks wry jokes about a "woman's place" but knows he is joking and my husband indulges my rants. I couldn't ask for more. I have taught them well!

meanwhile, my friend comes to me when she wants to know what to say to her ex-husband when she can't be sure he is being unfair. She knows i will tell her the way I see the situation which is usually that he is being a right arse and she needs to put him right with a few choice words.

Sadly, it mostly seems to annoy them. sad

Perhaps I'm expressing it wrong.....

JadziaSnax Sat 12-Oct-13 02:05:39

DD has had a stomach bug this week & DH was off work earlier this week so I went into work to make up a few hours. My boss asked how DD was and who was looking after her, I said that DH was. He then said that if I needed to go home, it was fine.

I relayed this convo to DH when I got home, who immediately pulled a humphy face & got annoyed at the idea that he was deemed incapable of looking after a sick baby just because he's a man.

DS (7) gets really annoyed about gendered toys. He says that there's no such thing as girls toys and boys toys, there's just toys [proud]

PumpkinGuts Sat 12-Oct-13 01:16:36

grin kasey

Darkesteyes Sat 12-Oct-13 01:02:54

Kasey smile

KaseyM Sat 12-Oct-13 01:01:37

DM and I were in a restaurant and this old bloke started banging on about how women these days were tarts and that there were too many women producers in TV. DM gave him a very eloquent and snappy tongue-lashing, left him looking like a bumbling fool.

When we came out I told her how awesome she'd been and she replied "Well I got all that stuff from you Kasey". I was so proud of her. grin

PumpkinGuts Sat 12-Oct-13 00:24:47

I'm struggling with how to be a feminist in a sahp role, if I'm honest.

I think when society starts to respect the role and when men do it 50% of the time that will be a much easier task

cailin I think you did your dh a favor really, I bet you would want to know if you had been unwittingly treating people of a different race or class badly wouldn't you?

Darkesteyes Fri 11-Oct-13 23:49:50

Cailin you have nothing to feel bad about. I wish my dad would at least try to see it.

Darkesteyes Fri 11-Oct-13 23:48:35

my parents are quite mysogynistic My mum worshipped Princess Diana when i was growing up and i felt seriously lacking.
My dad openly fat shames overweight women when they come on tv I remember him doing it when they were watching some singing reality show over the summer and the lady who played Heather in Eastenders came on and he "cracked a joke" about her needing to go to a fat farm. This happens a lot but in the last couple of years ive called him on it each time.

my mum brought me up to believe that the most important thing about a woman is what they look like. She can be very shallow about this sort of thing.

CailinDana Fri 11-Oct-13 23:28:49

I do very mich admire his willingness to admit hia shortcomings wilson. It takes a lot of character I think.

I'm mostly a sahp - I work very part time - and I felt ok about it until I went for lunch at dh's female colleague's house. Her friend was also there and they were both wohps. We had a good chat but then I mentioned that I run a toddler group and immediately I could see them mentally pigeonholing me as a nobody - seriously it was actually visible. When I mentioned my job ( which sounds far more high fallutin than it is) it was clear they decided I wasn't a boring braindead sahp after all. Very odd. As I mostly hang out with sahps so it was my first experience of being excluded (or almost excluded) from a non sahp group.

WilsonFrickett Fri 11-Oct-13 23:12:47

Op - thanks for your comment back. Weirdly I think DH probably 'gets it' more than me. I'm struggling with how to be a feminist in a sahp role, if I'm honest.

WilsonFrickett Fri 11-Oct-13 23:09:39

Cailin thats amazing though. And he wouldn't be facing it if he didnt want to. Stories like that give me a lot of hope. It is so hard to look beyond our conditioning (my mother visited yesterday and I'm really struggling with a few things, but that's a whole other thread) - he is not only unpicking that but also the fact society says its ok for him to act in certain ways. Good on him.

CailinDana Fri 11-Oct-13 22:40:22

This is a bit of a sore subject for me. Dh is a good kind intelligent man but he was brohght up by a misogynistic cunt and a mother with very low self esteem who doesn't tell the cunt to fuck the fuck off. Down through the years he has done some really selfish things - nothing awful but things that have made me feel like I am totally secondary and inconsequential. I have always challenged these things and he has apologised/backed down but tbh we were always baffled, both of us, why a considerate person would have such glaring blindspots (as he genuinely did these things without any malice - he simply didn't consider the impact on me).
I've always had feminist views but it's only since delving more deeply in the last couple of years that it's dawned on me that dh has, like all men, a sense of entitlement and because he's seen his mother trail around after his father he also has an insidious case of subconscious misogyny. I've pointed this out to him and he has accepted it but I feel I've unfairly made him face up to quite seriously negative things about himself and his family. I feel bad because it truly was unintentional and he has made such an effort to counteract it. I fear that if he identified such a personal flaw in me I would tell him to shove it up his arse blush.

Darkesteyes Fri 11-Oct-13 21:57:49

grin at grimbletart. I saw some internalised mysogyny today. i bumped into someone i used to be at college with today She asked how i was getting on with my weight loss so i told her how hard i was trying but not getting the results on the scales. (half a stone in two months) At one point she said to me "turn around and look at the girl behind you" So i did and saw a young woman in a burgundy dress (bit like a Herve Leger dress) then she said "would you wear that if you had bulges like her" I said yes i would theres nothing wrong with it.

This was AFTER id mentioned to her about my discovery of feminism 2 years ago and how empowering ive found it.
Why the fuck does looks even have to come into it. The young woman she was being derogatory about was slimmer than me and her although i do realise that is NOT the point.
Why do some people just not get it.

PumpkinGuts Fri 11-Oct-13 15:42:25

grin at grimble tart

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