Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like

(83 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:50:44

To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 15:48:43

but i have been warned by a few friends.. if i go back to docs.. and they ask the usual stuff..have i thought about self harm or suicide... if i say yes, i'll be sectioned (?) and then it will be on my record for life. I have thought about those things, yes, but i won't do them..i can't do it to my parents. What do i say..that i'm ill and feel i'm cracking up, but not suicidal? (even though i feel it at times)

TheFallenNinja Thu 05-Sep-13 15:52:58

Disengage. Your playing his game by his rules, the pen may well be mightier than the sword but don't play his game and he's just a tool ranting about an ex.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 16:10:02

i meant, email to the new guy for letting me down/ betraying me/ doubting. He doesn't rant about his ex.. My ex fiance rants about his though! and me!

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Thu 05-Sep-13 16:19:22

Don't let worries about what might end up on your health record prevent you from seeking medical help. Your doc will not think you are 'mad' for getting upset over a nasty and messy relationship breakup with an abuser. You generally have to be very mentally ill (like, having serious delusions/hallucinations!) to be 'sectioned' these days - anyone worrying about, or having an abusive partner threatening them with 'being locked up' should remember the mental health service is chronically underfunded and they don't have the beds! (And even if someone does need to be taken in for their own safety, they'll be kicked out at the earliest opportunity for the same reason).

Perhaps your doc could try you on an AD like venlafaxine - tried that one? - which has an anti-anxiety component in it, and a perhaps a prescription for a week's worth of effective benzodiazepine type sleeping pills (not addictive as long as you only take them for short periods) would be good as a temporary measure, so you can get some restorative sleep.

No, don't send the email at the moment. It does help to write things down (I do it) but it generally hasn't been very helpful if I've actually sent things on while in a state of stress. Wait until you are calmer (and have had a night's sleep) before you decide what to do about it.

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 16:27:23

it's Venlafaxine i'm on. They dont like giving me sleeping pills as i was addicted to Zopiclone in the 90s (long story, but doc's fault). Valium didnt work and ihave tried Temezpan. (however it's spelt). It definitely doesn't help me sleep, but does make me feel a lot calmer so if i'm not sleeping i'm lying there awake but not so panicky. I can rest while awake if that makes sense

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Thu 05-Sep-13 17:29:11

OK perhaps Mirtazapine (AD with a slight sedative - you take it at night and it helps you sleep as well). Or a mixture of Mirtazapine and Venlafaxine (finally did the trick for my anxious mum). Even though you have a history of benzo addiction, you know the dangers now, so your doc might still give you a short course. I got addicted once as well (yes, thanks to a crap doctor too!), but my present doc is still willing to give me a few a month in case of anxiety attacks, as they're being prescribed on a sensible basis now and we all know what we're doing.

I asked my doc what we would do if I ever needed a letter from them to get a job and all this would be on my record, and he said "SoWhat, we think work is great therapy, and it's the best thing for our patients to be in employment. Don't worry.. come and see me, and we'll write a letter together, in a way that won't harm your job prospects."

As for your pain at not being believed, I must say you are coming over as being very believable on this thread. Your friends and the NG who don't believe you are probably immature, or have led sheltered or limited lives (like being lucky enough to have the one lovely partner all their life and don't know anything else) or are still too young to have a wider experience of life, or lack imagination and empathy, or are arrogant ("well, it's never happened to me/he's never behaved like that towards me, so you must be making it up"). Charming. Makes you feel like bloody slapping them, doesn't it?

I'm not sure how old you are - I was 29 at the time of my little crisis, and although I thought I was quite an experienced adult, looking back, I can see now that I and my friends from that time weren't really, and young people can be very hard on each other just because they haven't been around for long enough to discover that not everything is black and white.

Funnily enough, in the end, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Because I couldn't bear to not be believed and had lost all respect for the unbelievers, I moved away from the area (so no more reminders/triggers) and in my new town I met a lovely bunch of new friends - and DH!

Unfortunately I have to go now because DH wants his laptop back, I'll be keeping up with your thread, and wish you all the very best. The Unbelievers around you are just stupid buggers, and you ain't gonna let them ruin the rest of your life, are you?

alltoomuchrightnow Thu 05-Sep-13 17:36:26

SoWhat.. very embarrassingly, I'm early 40s but feel about 12 right now, in the immaturity stakes,especially being back at my childhood home. new guy is a few years younger, and has a had a sheltered/ trauma free life, until this year when he was dumped for a woman just before his wedding (if anyone recognises me or him in real life, please keep this in confidence). Before her, he only had one serious partner and that was very long term.

SoWhatSoWhatSoWhat Sat 07-Sep-13 14:33:37

Rootling around, here's someone with a similar problem to yours (abusive partner, gulliable friends): www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/dec/16/left-abusive-boyfriend-mariella-frostrup

DON'T take any notice of Mariella Frostrup's ridiculous advice (she practically tells the poor woman she's being a drama queen); I only found this article because it was linked to by an article I was reading about how crap some Agony Aunts are.

Instead, scroll down and read (most) of the comments below the article, who strongly disagree with Mariella's attitude and offer more useful advice; most of them are quite helpful (apart from the odd twerp).

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