Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like

(83 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Mon 02-Sep-13 18:50:44

To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 01:21:06

thank you. i'm too terrified . it might be too late re my best friend. i can't sleep in this state. i hope they will support me now and not lecture me too much. i had reasons for not doing it before and they knew i ws scared

BasilBabyEater Tue 03-Sep-13 12:49:07

Sweetheart, you need a new best friend.

Someone who will support you and not blame you for someone else's behaviour.

I hope you're OK today.

YoniMatopoeia Tue 03-Sep-13 12:53:23

How are you doing today OP?

You really sound in need of rl support. Please please contact WA and the dv unit at the police.

YoniMatopoeia Tue 03-Sep-13 12:55:15

We will be here for online support as well of course.

If you were my rl friend I would not be blaming you for any of this, but would be trying to help in any way that I could.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 17:43:26

i'm really not well, i think stress and anxiety, and still waiting for police so it's been a long day! ultimatum has def has been served by friends... 'do this or lose us'. I don't actually know what the police will do. I can't make them! but i have to show i'm trying. but it's starting to make me feel reallylow.. im so 'by association' with my ex . its so unfair. I left him, why don't people get it... i don't make him do these things, and i LEFT for a very good reason...his abuse.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 17:59:25

i've really, really had enough. A friend of mine who is a former alcoholic read me the riot act today..that i keep saying sorry for or justifying my ex. I'm not responsible for what he does. I left but i wasn't responsible when i was with him. Drink is responsible for what he does. I have no control over what he does to others. but if i say that to my best mate she'll say i'm passing the buck. she expects me to grovel. but he's my EX and there's a reason he is. I'm so worn out and not sleeping at all. and really bad stomach. I AM sorry he's upset and harrassed her, i really am . but i didnt cause it. She said ive lost one person and i'll lose everyone else inc her if i dont sort this. I'm sick of being the whipping boy. Im a decent human being who stood by him until his threats got too much. he never was my responsibility! i wouldnt go to her if an ex of hers hassled me! but if i say this i'll sound realy selfish. i may have to lose a friend over this :-( i can't cope, im exhausted..fighting so many battles. thanks to him ive not even worked since start of feb,.and i've never not worked

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:00:58

I go to Al Anon and it helps some but there's no practical advice. you're not allowed to ask for or give advice and guidance. its all about sharing. i feel less alone but there's no real support there

WilsonFrickett Tue 03-Sep-13 18:13:20

I wonder if your friend is giving you an ultimatum because she doesn't understand why you've not gone to the police? Maybe she wants to shock you into taking action? It doesn't excuse her behaviour of course, but if she's also being targeted I can understand why she is lashing out. Of course, she could go to the police herself but it's probably easier in all sorts of ways to lean on you until you do it. sad

WilsonFrickett Tue 03-Sep-13 18:14:54

What I'm trying to say there ^^ is that perhaps your ex is the one behind your friend's behaviour - it's down to him - and maybe when the dust settles you and friend can sort things out?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:39:35

she didn't understand why i didnt go the police in the past, but i had my reasons and not the strength. i dont blame her.. but there's many others i keep having to justify to.. as he does the poor poor me act.. they just see what they want to see. He works in music so many just accept alcoholism. but no one else is abusive and vicious like he is! and people rely on him for contacts.. so im often seen as the baddy for not accepting his drinking. i accepted the drinking..hes not actually heavy.. i can't accept being told everyday that he wants me to die, or he's going to arrange someone to rape me.. or his threats, stalking, bullying, not letting me sleep..

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:40:23

no one saw what went on behind closed doors. he was a functioning alcoholic. not now..he's starting to unravel in public

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 18:44:58

i'm actually really torn and confused. as half the people i know think i'm too harsh (as they dont know the truth)and he's ill and should be excused/pitied..the other half think i'm not harsh enough and shouldve stuck the boot up his arse six months ago and i have to constantly justify why i haven't , and apologise for it

BasilBabyEater Tue 03-Sep-13 19:55:03

I think you should tell your "best friend" that she needs to go to the police if he is making threats to her.

If she's not willing to do that, why the hell does she think she has the right to pressurise you?

HerrenaHarridan Tue 03-Sep-13 20:04:47

Hi it's all too much.

I remember you posts from when you first split and in sorry to hear that you fears were so thoroughly justified sad

You need to ditch this friend, she is not the sort of person you need in your life.

In response to your op I would say rarely but yes.
This Facebook lie spreading is a modern day version of the smear campaign that follows then end of many relationships. I have found that the best way to deal with ex going around saying nasty things about you is to refuse to engage or defend yourself. Your true friends can see from his smear campaign and your dignified silence who the arse is.

That's not to say it's actually wrong for you to speak out, it isn't and if it helps do it but beat in mind
A) it just feeds his fire by getting a response from you
B) it feeds the gossip mill
C) it gives people the option to really thrash out your private life and take sides

Can you get out if your parents house, their attitude is distinctly unhelpful?

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:14:25

hmmm FB is both a blessing and a curse. Herrena, i'm holding out for them going away soon for a month. I will really make the most of that month for peace and doing what i want, I will use it to my advantage (and i need to be here to look after the pets anyway). After that.. i need to get out. My mum is ill with stress from all this and my dad is a bully. It's that simple.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:15:17

My mum and I are both ill.. i should say. she's very sheltered and can't handle anything..not that she deserves this. but i went backto him before, to protect them and because of lack of support

WafflyVersatile Tue 03-Sep-13 20:29:36

Can you call the police again. When they come I would give them your friend's (and others) addresses so they can visit them to get statements of threats he's made to them. Then they can't say you are doing nothing.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:34:09

it's gone 830 ive been in all day and missed my weekly counselling session. no sign of police no call and they said 8 at latest..i've waited since 130. this is why so many people don't pursue things

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 03-Sep-13 20:34:32

all the other addresses are far from here.. but i can give numbers

GetYourSocksOff Wed 04-Sep-13 10:38:08

Right my lovely, how are you getting on?

Have you spoken to the police?

Do you have your own income? Can you start looking for somewhere to live away from your parents?

'Friends' who do not support you through this are not friends. Ignore them and begin by taking steps to take care of yourself. You need an injunction (call the police again if you haven't heard) and you need somewhere to live without negativity.

Keep posting and be strong x

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 10:58:02

Hmm, what is he threatening to expose? things you've told him that they thought were confidential?

you should have dealt with this before but can't change time, and you are a victim too.

I would ring the police first thing tommorrow or better go down? and report all of it.

You're friends shouldn't blame you, he is abusive but maybe if my above is accurate a coimbination of running your mouth and this tirade of threats has pushed them over the edge.

Your parents sound vile, no wonder you end up in a bad rel, tbh keep strong and break the cycle, I would if you can look at another place to live could you bring it up with your DV worker?

slug Wed 04-Sep-13 11:16:42

I don't Facebook for this very reason (stalkerish ex) I'd be tempted to add a status "Consulting a solicitor about libel" or "Beginning injunction proceedings" or "Talking to the Police about harassment". For fun you could rotate them.

It's a bit flippant I know, but why on earth should you be ashamed of escaping violence and abuse? You are standing up to him by refusing to take the crap any more.

OctopusPete8 Wed 04-Sep-13 11:21:48

silence enables abuse, while graphic details is crass and innapropriate on the web and believe me ppl will be rolling their eyes and see what a nutter he is.

Its okay to stand up for yourself.

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 12:15:33

the police didn't come, i rang 101 again, they were too busy :-( so it could be today..or tomorrow..sigh.. i can't wait in for two more days.. i don't know what to do. Getyoursocksoff, I lost my job in February when i left my ex the first time . That was in the town where he lives, i couldn't afford to stay there. I was in limbo period for a while after returning to him in April but still spending time here at my parents. I've not been well enough to work nor had a fixed address.I'm back at my parents now but not for long term. I don't think i could cope with paid work as my insomnia's far worse. I go many nights without sleeping a second, anxiety and panic attacks are worse at night. I usually work in retail management so i couldn't cope with being on my feet all day with no sleep. I'm going to look into voluntary work until i get a new address and hopefully then sleeping patterns will come back. I don't have any income or savings now.. i'm on ESA

alltoomuchrightnow Wed 04-Sep-13 12:16:06

so at the moment..completely reliable on my parents..and they know it

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