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Joint account, am I being too sensitive(66 Posts)
Hi there, I have recently opened a joint account with DP, I handle all our household finances and budget, i set up the account so I was the main applicant and he the second applicant...
But every time we get a letter about it, it is addressed to Mr DP and Ms Catabouttown...as I am listed as the main applicant on all our documentation I assume It is just their default option to list the man first, and its driving me potty!!
Background, I have always been adamant that I will keep my name on marriage and one of the reasons for this is how I remember my mum getting letters from banks addressed to either Mrs Husbands initials and last name, or Mr and Mrs husbands initials and last name. From a very early age I used to see these letters and feel offended that she was addressed by her husbands initials rather than her own! Like she was married and therefore her own name didn't matter anymore...so I am seen as a militant feminist by some people for only wanting to receive letters addressed in my name
Anyway, I know it is in my name so not so bad but I am still feeling irked that DP is being addressed first despite him never having been listed first in any of our correspondence with them. I want to contact the bank and ask them why this is, but don't know if that's a bit over the top??
Many years ago we had an account with Barclays. There was one of those 'windfall' giving out of shares - which were ALL put in his name as he was the main account holder (I honestly can't remember who opened it first, or if it was joint etc). Which meant that for 1000s of couples the MEN got the shares - worth up to several thousands, while the women got nothing.
Not ONE complaint about it that I heard of, and it was one of those 'big' banking events that hit the news.
Nowadays, I would join/start a complaint and publicity awareness campaign.
Forest of Dean District Council deserve a special mention here. My ex and I (different names) used to pay council tax by each sending a cheque for half.
One day, ex receives a rebate cheque. All to him. I phone to ask why. 'Because he's the man'.
Same here! I booked a suprise trip for me and DH to new york so I was the lead passenger but every little bit of correspondence from virgin had DH name on it and not mine it was so annoying!
No, not just "interesting", Flibberty, but downright illegal, incorrect, just plain wrong wrong wrong.
Goggles at LRD's now-ex bank - who the hell were these people?!?!?
Or, HappyDoll, you can just get yourself ordained online, and then you can go by "Rev".
OP, YANBU. Write and raise hell. Keep a copy. If we all do that, and then the bank in question starts getting in trouble for gender discrimination, we'll know what to do with it.
Thanks LtEve just being nosy knowing how traditional the forces are!
Love the idea of your DH turning up in a ballgown
OldBeanz Thanks I will.
Something else I picked up too is that when/if there are any handouts in terms of shares etc they are often given out to the first named on the account. A chum of mine lost out when Abbey National became a bank & her bastard ex snaffled the payout. (was mind divorce & she didn't pick up on it till much later)
We are not married, have a joint account with the nationwide and my name is first on it.
The cheques state 'Miss F L Ibbertyjibbet and Mr A B Flibertyjibbet'
Possibly because I have had my own account with them for years so am the 'main customer'? Nothing to do at all with who earns what et.
Interesting about banks saying you HAVE to change your name, I have no intention of doing so if ever we get married, the wedding cert will be just a piece of paper to protect each other financially if anything happens to the other.
MissMarplesBloomers keep on at Santander to get it sorted. I've just opened a joint account with them and they put my name first on all the documents (as requested).
However they do still send everything out in duplicate as it's a joint account despite the fact that we're living together!
Well, mine and DH's account comes as Ms. Norf and Mr. DP.
My bank is clearly a forward thinking bank of equality
I had this 20 years ago with TSB. I opened a joint account with my then DP, and his name was first on everything. Then when I got my PhD it changed to have my name first (e.g. Dr Chrysanthemum5 + Mr C5 partner).
I spoke to the bank who claimed it was a complete co-incidence, and nothing to do with perceived senority. I changed bank.
DH and I have two joint accounts as we made our own accounts into joint accounts iyswim. My old account still has me listed first, DH's old account has him listed first. Not sure what would happen is we opened a new joint account - maybe I should check!
When DH was still serving as well it went on rank/seniority.
At one point we were both Sgts, but we were unmarried so He was Sgt Dallas and I was Sgt Maidenname.
Then we were married and he was promoted, so it was SSgt and Sgt Dallas.
Then he left and I was promoted (twice) so we are now WO2 and Mr Dallas.
There was no need for me to change my name, and the Mil would have been happy with that. The only time there is a bit of an issue (and its very minor really) is with functions in the Mess.
Traditionally the Mess holds 'Ladies Dinner Nights' where the (male) soldier wears Mess Dress and the female (non serving) spouse wears a ball gown. This has now been changed to 'Guest Dinner Nights' to allow for male (not serving) spouses and same sex civil partnerships. My last couple of messes have grumbled when I pointed this out, but immediately changed without much fuss (DH always threatens to turn up in a dress if they dont change it - it works!)
LtEveDallas & other military posters on here.....how do the forces address this issue if you marry while in service?
<idle curiosity while we're on the subject>
I'm still battling with Santander to get MS on my business account which I've had for over 10 fecking years but somehow the title got changed to Mr when they took over Alliance & Leicster who had no problem with it as I wished.
I don't particularly like MS but I hate being defined by my title, Miss,at 52 is too twee, I am now divorced so Mrs isn't applicable but seems to be the default, so I try Ms sigh you can feel the eye rolling when you repeat it on the phone after they say "Is that Mrs or Miss?"
Dear old First Direct on the other hand, who I have used since they started back in the 80's, changed all my cards & account names on request and have used Ms unflinchingly.
Well I did contact the bank, natwest by the way, and after getting transferred to about 4 different people who basically just said 'we don't know how to change this and I don't really see what the problem is' I lodged a complaint and stated what pp have said about me needing to be the first point of contact for admim reasons etc, I was then told it would be changed but I'm not sure whether I was being fobbed off so we shall see! I was discussing the account with DP last night and also discovered that they called him 3 weeks ago to find out how he was finding the account and how the service had been setting it up etc, they haven't called me at all even though he told them on the phone that he has no idea what the service was like because it was me who handled everything! He said they seemed quite shocked that he hasn't done it so further confirmation that I am not being paranoid about the issue!
On the subject of women changing their names when married, I have always found it odd whenever I've had this conversation with a women who is going to/has already changed her name and she's said something like 'well I asked Fiancé about that and he said he would feel weird if I didn't change my name, so I'm changing it'! I think that's an even worse response than 'I like the tradition' or whatever, I mean it is YOUR name, it is YOUR choice, if that's what you want then fine but how on earth has it got anything to so with anyone else? When DP and I first had this discussion I told him that I wouldn't be changing my name and the only change I would consider would be if we BOTH double barrelled our names. He said that the only reason he would be bothered by that is because he would want us all to have the same name when we had children and that their was no compromising with me. Once I pointed out that a) my compromise was us both changing our names together, as i didn't actually want to do this i want to just keep my name and double barrel the children's names, and b) where is the compromise on his side if I change it? That's just him getting what he wants, he was happy with that logic and has never been bothered by it since. As I said up thread though, some of his friends have been outraged and the cats bum face his dad pulled when the penny dropped that DD has a double barrelled name was priceless
LtEveDallas we have the same with RBS. The letters come address to Mrs H TangoFoxtrotUniform and Mr D TangoFoxtrotUniform. It was my account in my maiden name for years before I added him, and all the correspondence from the bank comes to me first and him second.
UK deed poll have this to say:
^Recognised British social titles (i.e. Mr, Mrs, Miss, Ms and Mx)
When changing your name, there are no restrictions if you also wish to change your title to a recognised British social title, for example, from Mrs to Miss, Miss to Mrs or from Miss to Ms. We will also allow a change of social title for transsexuals e.g. from Mr to Miss, Miss to Mr etc. We do not need to see any documentary evidence of your entitlement to use a recognised social title. Please note, it is perfectly acceptable for a single woman to use the title Mrs.^
So anyone can use any social title they like, with no evidence needed.
They add this about Mx:
In October 2011, we introduced the title of Mx (pronounced Mix) as an option for people who do not identify themselves as either male or female and, therefore, feel a gender specific title such as Mr or Miss is inappropriate and unsuitable for them.
We are unable to guarantee that all record holders (i.e. government departments, companies and organisations that hold your personal records) will recognise your new title but we believe many will and in time all will. Initially, the problem will be record holders computer systems not being able to accept Mx as a title but when a significant number of people request record holders show their title as Mx a tipping point will be reached causing record holders to reprogram their systems to accommodate Mx as a title.
This is a very interesting thread here. Am a regular but namechanged here to my twitter name as I have started a
rant campaign about this sort of thing.
Erato, that's really interesting about Mx - do I understand correctly from your post just after that that anyone can just be Mx?
How do you say it? "Mux"?
What bank is this OP?
I'm with Barclays, I've had an account with them since I was 15. When DH and I decided to get married we changed 'my' savings account into a joint savings account. The account was Mrs E Maidenname and Mr R Dallas. The letters always came addessed that way too.
After we married and I changed my name the account became Mrs E Dallas and Mr R Dallas and again thats how the letters come.
Am I just a one-off or are Barclays particularly good at this? I've had 3 different surnames with them, and God knows how many addresses, but they've never got it wrong (except when they froze my account the day after we moved to Cyprus... that was a fun week waiting for a new card!)
And deed poll UK does confirm that no documentary evidence is required to change from one gender social title eg Ms to another gender eg Mr.
But curry yes I'm interested as well to know how these antiquated computer systems would deal with a civil partnership between two people of the same gender.
Ooh. Have just looked up the deed poll website. Apparently there is a new title - Mx - gender non-specific. Who would like to take bets on how banks cope with that one?!?
Really good point, Erato.
If you were two men in a civil partnership, one (or both) might change name to be Mr & Mr Erato. Or two women might be Ms & Ms Erato. Might any people of any sex decide to be Mr & Mr Erato, or Mr & Mrs (if two men?) or.... anything?
Does anyone know?
I'd defo have a go at the bank. But on a general note... Why do women still generally take their husbands name when they marry. Just tradition I suppose, but if it was the other way round, no way would I spend my life building my identity with my own surname, to have it overwritten by my partner's name. Every time a document or account was changed, I'd feel my identity being deleted. Too extreme?
Question about this issue. Can I legally be Mr Erato even if I'm a woman? In terms of my name, I know I can start calling myself Reginald Monsterbottom if I so desire and that's all I need to do in order to name change in the UK but does the same apply to title?
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