Joint account, am I being too sensitive

(66 Posts)
catabouttown Mon 08-Jul-13 12:54:46

Hi there, I have recently opened a joint account with DP, I handle all our household finances and budget, i set up the account so I was the main applicant and he the second applicant...

But every time we get a letter about it, it is addressed to Mr DP and Ms Catabouttown...as I am listed as the main applicant on all our documentation I assume It is just their default option to list the man first, and its driving me potty!!

Background, I have always been adamant that I will keep my name on marriage and one of the reasons for this is how I remember my mum getting letters from banks addressed to either Mrs Husbands initials and last name, or Mr and Mrs husbands initials and last name. From a very early age I used to see these letters and feel offended that she was addressed by her husbands initials rather than her own! Like she was married and therefore her own name didn't matter anymore...so I am seen as a militant feminist by some people for only wanting to receive letters addressed in my name hmm

Anyway, I know it is in my name so not so bad but I am still feeling irked that DP is being addressed first despite him never having been listed first in any of our correspondence with them. I want to contact the bank and ask them why this is, but don't know if that's a bit over the top??

HotelTangoFoxtrotUniform Wed 17-Jul-13 21:56:14

LtEveDallas we have the same with RBS. The letters come address to Mrs H TangoFoxtrotUniform and Mr D TangoFoxtrotUniform. It was my account in my maiden name for years before I added him, and all the correspondence from the bank comes to me first and him second.

catabouttown Thu 18-Jul-13 08:04:09

Well I did contact the bank, natwest by the way, and after getting transferred to about 4 different people who basically just said 'we don't know how to change this and I don't really see what the problem is' I lodged a complaint and stated what pp have said about me needing to be the first point of contact for admim reasons etc, I was then told it would be changed but I'm not sure whether I was being fobbed off so we shall see! I was discussing the account with DP last night and also discovered that they called him 3 weeks ago to find out how he was finding the account and how the service had been setting it up etc, they haven't called me at all even though he told them on the phone that he has no idea what the service was like because it was me who handled everything! He said they seemed quite shocked that he hasn't done it confused so further confirmation that I am not being paranoid about the issue!

On the subject of women changing their names when married, I have always found it odd whenever I've had this conversation with a women who is going to/has already changed her name and she's said something like 'well I asked Fiancé about that and he said he would feel weird if I didn't change my name, so I'm changing it'! I think that's an even worse response than 'I like the tradition' or whatever, I mean it is YOUR name, it is YOUR choice, if that's what you want then fine but how on earth has it got anything to so with anyone else? When DP and I first had this discussion I told him that I wouldn't be changing my name and the only change I would consider would be if we BOTH double barrelled our names. He said that the only reason he would be bothered by that is because he would want us all to have the same name when we had children and that their was no compromising with me. Once I pointed out that a) my compromise was us both changing our names together, as i didn't actually want to do this i want to just keep my name and double barrel the children's names, and b) where is the compromise on his side if I change it? That's just him getting what he wants, he was happy with that logic and has never been bothered by it since. As I said up thread though, some of his friends have been outraged and the cats bum face his dad pulled when the penny dropped that DD has a double barrelled name was priceless grin

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 18-Jul-13 08:23:35

LtEveDallas & other military posters on here.....how do the forces address this issue if you marry while in service?

<idle curiosity while we're on the subject>

I'm still battling with Santander to get MS on my business account which I've had for over 10 fecking years but somehow the title got changed to Mr when they took over Alliance & Leicster who had no problem with it as I wished.

I don't particularly like MS but I hate being defined by my title, Miss,at 52 is too twee, I am now divorced so Mrs isn't applicable but seems to be the default, so I try Ms sigh you can feel the eye rolling when you repeat it on the phone after they say "Is that Mrs or Miss?"

Dear old First Direct on the other hand, who I have used since they started back in the 80's, changed all my cards & account names on request and have used Ms unflinchingly.

LtEveDallas Thu 18-Jul-13 10:21:29

Hi MissMarples,

When DH was still serving as well it went on rank/seniority.

At one point we were both Sgts, but we were unmarried so He was Sgt Dallas and I was Sgt Maidenname.

Then we were married and he was promoted, so it was SSgt and Sgt Dallas.

Then he left and I was promoted (twice) so we are now WO2 and Mr Dallas.

There was no need for me to change my name, and the Mil would have been happy with that. The only time there is a bit of an issue (and its very minor really) is with functions in the Mess.

Traditionally the Mess holds 'Ladies Dinner Nights' where the (male) soldier wears Mess Dress and the female (non serving) spouse wears a ball gown. This has now been changed to 'Guest Dinner Nights' to allow for male (not serving) spouses and same sex civil partnerships. My last couple of messes have grumbled when I pointed this out, but immediately changed without much fuss (DH always threatens to turn up in a dress if they dont change it - it works!)

I had this 20 years ago with TSB. I opened a joint account with my then DP, and his name was first on everything. Then when I got my PhD it changed to have my name first (e.g. Dr Chrysanthemum5 + Mr C5 partner).

I spoke to the bank who claimed it was a complete co-incidence, and nothing to do with perceived senority. I changed bank.

DH and I have two joint accounts as we made our own accounts into joint accounts iyswim. My old account still has me listed first, DH's old account has him listed first. Not sure what would happen is we opened a new joint account - maybe I should check!

Norfolknway Thu 18-Jul-13 10:32:37

Well, mine and DH's account comes as Ms. Norf and Mr. DP.

My bank is clearly a forward thinking bank of equality wink

Norfolknway Thu 18-Jul-13 10:34:09

Mine's Nationwide BTW

OldBeanbagz Thu 18-Jul-13 10:39:09

MissMarplesBloomers keep on at Santander to get it sorted. I've just opened a joint account with them and they put my name first on all the documents (as requested).

However they do still send everything out in duplicate as it's a joint account despite the fact that we're living together!

We are not married, have a joint account with the nationwide and my name is first on it.
The cheques state 'Miss F L Ibbertyjibbet and Mr A B Flibertyjibbet'

Possibly because I have had my own account with them for years so am the 'main customer'? Nothing to do at all with who earns what et.

Interesting about banks saying you HAVE to change your name, I have no intention of doing so if ever we get married, the wedding cert will be just a piece of paper to protect each other financially if anything happens to the other.

MissMarplesBloomers Thu 18-Jul-13 11:36:33

Thanks LtEve just being nosy knowing how traditional the forces are!

Love the idea of your DH turning up in a ballgown grin

OldBeanz Thanks I will.

Something else I picked up too is that when/if there are any handouts in terms of shares etc they are often given out to the first named on the account. A chum of mine lost out when Abbey National became a bank & her bastard ex snaffled the payout. (was mind divorce & she didn't pick up on it till much later)

PedantMarina Thu 18-Jul-13 16:00:37

Or, HappyDoll, you can just get yourself ordained online, and then you can go by "Rev".

OP, YANBU. Write and raise hell. Keep a copy. If we all do that, and then the bank in question starts getting in trouble for gender discrimination, we'll know what to do with it.

PedantMarina Thu 18-Jul-13 16:06:00

Goggles at LRD's now-ex bank - who the hell were these people?!?!?

PedantMarina Thu 18-Jul-13 16:11:36

No, not just "interesting", Flibberty, but downright illegal, incorrect, just plain wrong wrong wrong.

ELR Thu 18-Jul-13 16:22:02

Same here! I booked a suprise trip for me and DH to new york so I was the lead passenger but every little bit of correspondence from virgin had DH name on it and not mine it was so annoying!

LovesPeace Sat 20-Jul-13 16:32:21

Forest of Dean District Council deserve a special mention here. My ex and I (different names) used to pay council tax by each sending a cheque for half.
One day, ex receives a rebate cheque. All to him. I phone to ask why. 'Because he's the man'.

kickassangel Sun 21-Jul-13 18:23:09

Many years ago we had an account with Barclays. There was one of those 'windfall' giving out of shares - which were ALL put in his name as he was the main account holder (I honestly can't remember who opened it first, or if it was joint etc). Which meant that for 1000s of couples the MEN got the shares - worth up to several thousands, while the women got nothing.

Not ONE complaint about it that I heard of, and it was one of those 'big' banking events that hit the news.

Nowadays, I would join/start a complaint and publicity awareness campaign.

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