To be baffled at the male assumption that random women will wish to engage in sexual inuendo

(136 Posts)
Greythorne Thu 13-Jun-13 09:01:01

I do a lot of volunteering at my DCs school. I run a library and send out group emails with class info etc. (We are in France).

Yesterday, I send a group email asking for people to return their DCs library books.

One father replied that he would bring the book to the summer fair on saturday. Fine, says I, I will be running the "throw a sponge at the headmaster" stand, so look out for me there.

Father responds: Ooooh, is that the wet tee shirt stand?
Me: Gosh, I hope not. I will be rescinding my offer of help if so.
Father: Oh, don't say that, you might win!
Me: hmm

WTAF? Why? Why? Why?

I am a forty-something happily married mother running a library (FFS) and still I am seen as a target for sexual banter.

And yet so many women don't want to be feminists. Bangs head on desk.

WoTmania Thu 13-Jun-13 09:23:31

I have no idea why they think it's acceptable (why do those comments even come into their minds? Do they not have a brain to mouth filter) and why do other people often minimise/dismiss it with comments like 'oh but he was only joking around, you're being oversensitive' or 'he was just being friendly'. hmm

SigmundFraude Thu 13-Jun-13 09:24:27

Some women like DO wish to be engaged in sexual innuendo. How was the father who made these comments to you supposed to know which camp you fell into?

Greythorne Thu 13-Jun-13 09:27:14

Wotmania

Quite. I considered emailing him and telling him to fuck the fuck off with his sleaze but decided against it.

SigmundeFraude
Some people like s and m, but it's not usual to proposition random people about that because - precisely - you do not know which people do like it and which don't.
The point here is that this man assumes all women are up for a bit of random sleaze. It is disrespectful and rude.
HTH.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 10:06:56

Erm ... I think he was probably supposed to know from her first response!

I could accept the first comment might be made by someone who was just a bit, erm, sleazy or who misjudged his audience. But to carry on suggests you're just a bit of a wanker, doesn't it?

Greythorne Thu 13-Jun-13 10:38:40

Russky (love the namechange, btw) I agree with you, but I think it goes even further.

Don't engage in sexual banter with a person you have never met before. Simple! I have never met this man, have never exchanged anything but school-related emails. Why on earth would he assume I am up for his sleazy comments?

If he was a platonic friend who engaged in a bit of flirting, that would still annoy me .....but I have never met this man!

Yuck.

Poledra Thu 13-Jun-13 11:01:08

The thing is, it's not even an off-the-cuff spoken comment that the bloke could potentially be cringing about later, in an opened-mouth-without-engaging-brain fashion. He actually took the time to write it down and still thought it was appropriate.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 13-Jun-13 11:03:50

Good Lord, Sigmund, you are a piece of work. grin

Did nobody teach you any social niceties at all?!

Do you indulge in sexual banter with all men you meet, by default, before you even swap names?!

I bet they love you, nudge, nudge.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik Thu 13-Jun-13 11:13:54

Thank you. smile

And I do agree, it certainly goes further. It's just even the dimmest bloke should have got it after your first response.

See, I think it is to do with the way that, as women, we're expected to be good at reading social nuances, and when we get it wrong, we're expected to feel ashamed. By and large the same isn't true of men.

SigmundFraude Thu 13-Jun-13 11:21:37

'I bet they love you, nudge, nudge.'

Yes. I don't enter into conversations with men whilst bristling with entitlement. I don't tend to have expectations or rules. My DH is very grateful to have me, as he should be wink

kim147 Thu 13-Jun-13 11:24:41

You should have heard some of the sexual innuendo I used to get at my school - especially on a night out. Made me feel uncomfortable but it continued.

Oblongata Thu 13-Jun-13 11:25:38

My mother does this, with young men at checkout desks, workmen etc.
I tried to explain once why it was wrong, but she just sees it as lightening the mood. We're here a short time, why not laugh a little.
So maybe the man simply thinks he's funny.

RoooneyMara Thu 13-Jun-13 11:27:05

It's a (possibly unconscious) desire to make you uncomfotable.

Ignore it and ignore him when you meet him.

He probably heard it all growing up around his male relations and has never had cause to question it.

wanker.

PromQueenWithin Thu 13-Jun-13 16:23:50

You don't tend to have expectations or rules, SigmundFraude? I presume you expect people to wear clothes, not to pull you hair or spit on you, not to attempt to hold both your hands at all times when speaking to you?

Come on, we all have expectations and rules about socially acceptable behaviour!

It just seems that in this instance, you don't mind random men assuming you're up for sexual banter, and other posters find this assumption rude.

SplitHeadGirl Thu 13-Jun-13 19:03:18

I think it just comes down to male entitlement really...they feel they can say what they want to women knowing they have the boring yet accepted response of 'Oh it's just a joke..don't be such a prude blah blah'.

It probably livens up the saddos lives!!

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 13-Jun-13 20:22:28

Well, you live in a binary little world, don't you Sigmund?!

Some of us are able to read social cues and indulge in a little banter as and when.

Rather than: default to it, regardless of the recipient/situation <--> fizz and bristle and catsbum over it.

Good approach ^^ this one. Tends not to make one look like an arse. wink

BOF Thu 13-Jun-13 20:30:50

I totally agree with you, OP. I think a better way to deal with it is to utterly refuse to engage, though (like with the Mantrolls/sexist blokes who pretend to be women on here). So I think that by responding at all, you left him the floor to continue. Icy silence which makes him embarrassed is far better.

Sad that you have to even think about these things though. Twats.

NiceTabard Thu 13-Jun-13 20:31:58

"banter" like flirting is a reciprocal activity. Initiated by one person, which can then escalate if the other person joined in.

Most people understand this quite basic point about human interaction.

Apart from arseholes like the bloke the OP met though. Who basically thinks that saying (writing!) "nice tits" to a woman is appropriate in a school-related conversation hmm

Back2Two Thu 13-Jun-13 20:36:45

" Fine, says I, I will be running the "throw a sponge at the headmaster" stand, so look out for me there."

The serious responses of this thread are based on this initial contact between the two protagonists. Lets face it, a light hearted response is quite appropriate. No, not necessarily sexual innuendo but all the same I expect a natural "carry-on"style reaction isn't totally peculiar.

If he likes sexual innuendo and she doesn't it doesn't NECESSARILY make him a "saddo" nor a "wanker".

Maybe, and if he is so fecking what. Bigger problems in the world than this.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 13-Jun-13 21:12:23

But thank you for deiging to take 10 full minutes out of your life to impart your wisdom to us over such an unimportant issue. smile

SigmundFraude Thu 13-Jun-13 21:17:50

Um. Is there any need for the outright hostility? And the endlessly tedious references to me being a mantroll etc. I was simply stating that not all women find sexual innuendo irksome/threatening etc. This is a fact, and tbh a shitload of judgement from those who object doesn't do a great to to further your cause. And is one of the many reasons why I don't have a great deal of time for feminism.

Greythorne Thu 13-Jun-13 21:20:35

But some women will find banter / sexual innuendo / jokes inappropriate and I can't figure out why a man anyone would think sleazy sexual jokes would work:

-- via email
-- to a woman he has never laid eyes on
-- in a primary school context

Greythorne Thu 13-Jun-13 21:21:27

Probably I am just humourless.

Note to self: must remember that all women should always be ready to enter into sexual banter at all times with all men in all contexts.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 13-Jun-13 21:24:26

Sigmund, I recognise your name, and I know you don't have a lot of time for feminism.

So when I see you coming into threads like this to basically laugh at the OP's unreasonableness and use it as an opportunity display your total disdain for feminism, it makes me, for one, probably be unnecessarily sarcastic. Apologies for that.

You don't see any issue at all with men defaulting to sexual innuendo the minute they segue into a conversation, which is great for you.

Chubfuddler Thu 13-Jun-13 21:26:20

You're perfectly entitled not to mind sexual banter with random men sigmund. Well done. However perhaps it might be an idea, what with it being likely that at least some people might be offended, if the default was to no banter, rather than the other way.

And for someone with no time for feminism, you spend an awful lot of time talking about it. I mean I have no time for Morris dancing. Urgh. Time spent ever in my life discussing Morris dancing in online forums = 0 minutes.

Try it.

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