Child care

(45 Posts)
Numberlock Sun 21-Apr-13 15:22:16

Just need to get this off my chest really.

Overseas board meeting, 4 nights away from home.10 men, 2 women, I'm the only with children. All the men have children of school age bar one. I travel most weeks with work for 2 nights.

One male colleague said to me 'Who's looking after your children?' (I despise being asked this.)

So I said I'll answer you with another question. Who's looking after your daughter? Or Bob, Fred, Tom's children? I.e. the other parent (not to mention there's no way he will have considered asking them the same question).

Well he said, it's just that most men like me couldn't cope with that.

I changed the subject at that point despite the urge to say thank fuck I didn't have kids with a misogynistic cunt like you.

I'm still annoyed 3 days later.

noisytoys Sun 21-Apr-13 15:27:01

People say that to me and I have a job working 2 hours a day. And I hate the term 'babysitting' when a father is looking after his own child

Lesley1980 Sun 21-Apr-13 21:40:35

Maybe he was just making conversation? I would never jump down someone's throat just because they asked me a simple question.

WoTmania Sun 21-Apr-13 21:59:11

Gah!!!! 'most men like me couldn't cope with that' <-- no you want you partner and society to think you couldn't cope so you don't have to worry about it.
I fail to grasp how these men who work etc could be felled by having to look after their very own children (and then often regard it as 'not really work' when someone else does it for them)

Numberlock Sun 21-Apr-13 22:00:31

If you say so.

And I didn't jump down his throat.

BasilBabyEater Sun 21-Apr-13 22:02:11

I don't recall the OP saying she jumped down the incompetent father's throat, Lesley.

I wonder what all those MRA's who are in favour of 50:50 custody on divorce, have to say about these self-confessed incompetent parents? hmm

GotMyGoat Sun 21-Apr-13 22:04:03

"who's looking after your children" Is basically a way of saying "why aren't you at home?" isn't it? I find it a very rude question and get it fairly often, DH is a SAHD, although he is going back to work soon and I bet no-one will ask him that that question when he does.

I know its not AIBU but YANBU.

Numberlock Sun 21-Apr-13 22:06:11

There's a time when I'd have answered the question (and no doubt been greeted with ooh isn't their dad amazing). But now I feel confident enough to call some colleagues on it in a professional way.

It needs challenging. I'm competing with men like this who have unlimited availability at work....

Numberlock Sun 21-Apr-13 22:09:38

Good point Goat and illustrates how unused they are to seeing women at this level that they can't work out how it all works. Cou

Numberlock Sun 21-Apr-13 22:10:02

Coupled with their own attitudes as well.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 22-Apr-13 07:45:26

"I'm competing with men like this who have unlimited availability at work"

^^This.

Op, YANBU.

Badvoc Mon 22-Apr-13 07:57:53

It's not just men you get this from btw.
I am a sahm but I remember my dh taking me to Paris for 2 days when ds1 was 11 months old.
(Dh works away as part of his job and it's never really mentioned.)
I had horrific pnd and really needed a break from a non sleeping, very poorly at times baby.
A "friend" told me that she didn't know "how I could leave him for 2 days" which made me feel just great.
Added to that she had gone back to work Ft when her ds was 9 months old so left him all day 5 days a week!!
Argh....
I am away for 3 days at the weekend. Dh is looking after his children.
And no doubt I will get comments from family members about me "leaving the dc."
The dc who I have looked after 24/7 since they were born.
You simply cannot win with these sorts of people.
So I don't bother.
The comments from your colleague do not surprise me at all, sadly.

Numberlock Mon 22-Apr-13 09:31:49

... and let's not get started on the fact that the men I was with in this meeting will be undoubtedly be on much higher salaries than me.

I hate this. I am very busy this week (despite being on here lol) and have asked my exh to keep the kids this weekend so I can finish up my project (due Friday week)

The number of people who have said "Isn't he very good aren't you lucky, there's not many men would do that" angry

What about all the times I have them for him or all the times when we were married he went away on business? angry

Numberlock Mon 22-Apr-13 09:36:11

Badvoc I hope you enjoy your child-free weekend - is it work or pleasure?

I'm fortunate that me and my friends have supportive husbands/ex-husbands and we have kept up our weekends away ever since having kids. (Age of children ranging from 7 to 17.)

This weekend we are having a night out in Manchester and staying over (even though we live here!) and in June we are going to Edinburgh.

Hopefully my boys haven't been scarred for life, despite me abandoning them regularly for both work AND pleasure.

dawntigga Mon 22-Apr-13 09:37:49

yy this and a neighbour who said he was babysitting his OWN FREAKING CHILDREN! It gave me The Rage and I explained quite vociferously, unless his wife also 'babysat' the children when she was on her own he was simply parenting his OWN CHILDREN. Mr Tigga, goddess bless him, just looked at him and said 'she's right you know' when he was looked to, to provide an excuse to this person!

IHaveTheRageTodayPermanentlyTiggaxx

Badvoc Mon 22-Apr-13 09:49:52

It's pleasure numberlock smile
My parents and I are going to see some family members and have a break.
It's been a tough few months and I think they have taken pity on me! smile
Just hoping no horrid viruses attack the dc prior to Thursday!
I am a sahm so theoretically I shouldn't have to deal with this shit....and yet I do.
It infuriates me. As a poster upthread said, it's not just the mind boggling misogyny, but the fact that you know you are being paid less for doing the same bloody job!
<needs to calm down>
Oh, and rather marvellously, I have been told that I am - basically - unemployable after 10 years as a sahm.
I am under no illusion that I will ever win a Nobel prize but the idea that because I have been a sahm i have nothing to offer depresses me greatly.
sad

Numberlock Mon 22-Apr-13 10:22:30

That sounds frustrating to say the least, Badvoc. Is your experience in a specific scientific field?

Tigga Is it general Monday morning rage or anything specific?

Badvoc Mon 22-Apr-13 10:30:17

Ha! No smile
I was an administrator in both the NHS and a university medical shcool.
I do voluntary work which I enjoy and am on the B of Gov at my sons school.
I also did 3 courses with the OU before the HE fees went up sad but English lit, psychology and art history aren't that called for round these parts smile
It's just very very frustrating to apply for jobs I know I can do easily and not even get an interview.
I am just unsure what to so about it.
The new HE fee structure means further courses are out.
I need to tart up my cv I think.
Why do employers assume that all sahms become unable to function in a workplace after more than 12-18 months!?
Gah!

BlingLoving Mon 22-Apr-13 15:47:10

Numberlock, absolutely. And what infuriates me is how when I went back to work women all asked me how I coped. No one asked DH that when he was working.

The worst part is in most cases, the person asking is well intentioned. But they just don't get it.

dawntigga Mon 22-Apr-13 16:05:33

I think The Rage is here today due to some snot bug the germ carrying vector The Cub has passed on to me.

AmVeryShoutyTodayTiggaxx

kukeslala Wed 24-Apr-13 16:56:36

I do not understand, and have seen it a few times on this board.
Why people who claim to be for women's rights, then use the word cunt to describe a male who they call also a misogynist?

Cunt is a horrible insulting word, used for a ladies vagina.

Why would you want to use a word that is so insulting to ladies?

TIA

kukeslala Wed 24-Apr-13 17:01:23

I do not understand, and have seen it a few times on this board.
Why people who claim to be for women's rights, then use the word cunt to describe a male who they call also a misogynist?

Cunt is a horrible insulting word, used for a ladies vagina.

Why would you want to use a word that is so insulting to ladies?

TIA

kukeslala Wed 24-Apr-13 17:01:50

Didn't mean to post twice!

grimbletart Wed 24-Apr-13 17:35:31

Numberlock: I was asked that question (years ago when my dcs were small and businesswomen mums and "babysitting" (grrr) dads were more unusual).

I just told the questioner that I had chained them to a table leg and left a couple of bowls of water and food nearby. grin

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