Is it too late to deal with this and how?

(15 Posts)
Creameggkr Thu 21-Mar-13 20:41:31

I'm not sure where to post this but from the age of 16 to 19 I was in an extremely violent relationship.
We had two ds one if whom was born at 28 weeks with severe health problems (still ongoing 24 yrs later)
I escaped then with the help of a refuge and have gone on to have a lovely and happy life.
In the period after I'd split with him his violence towards me escalated and I lived in fear for many years.
He harassed and stalked me for about a year until he thankfully met someone else. He has had nothing to do with the boys.
I keep it buried tbh and I don't think it bothers me much.
However I do have a bit if a temper and am inclined to get depressed at times.
I did see him once in passing and literally felt like my insides were melting.
Today as part of my job I attended some dv training and found it very difficult to cope with. I recognised my situation so much and felt quite upset.
I'd like to be able to talk to someone about what happened but don't know where to go and even if its relevant all these years later.
Anyone with any advice or suggestions?
Can get this moved if necessary.

KoalaFace Thu 21-Mar-13 20:52:18

Hi Creameggkr, I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible experience. Well done for managing to get through and raise your DSs.

I'm inclined to think no matter how well buried you think something is, if you think present feelings and behaviour stem from that then it is very relevant.

Do you have a friend or family that you could confide in, in a safe space for you to explore if you want to 'unbury' your feelings?

There are a number of ways I have come across through work that could be supportive to you. It depends what you want really. There are women's centres that have counsellors, trained 'listeners' and support groups. There is private or NHS counselling. There are mind and life coaches.

I think whatever you decide to do, as long as you stay within the boundaries that you are comfortable with, you could benefit from some support in looking at your feelings.

Creameggkr Thu 21-Mar-13 21:07:34

Thanks.
I have confided in people over the years but I just end up feeling like in being over dramatic. Dh is great but finds it hard to hear and my mum just doesn't believe me (whole other thread)
I feel that the more specialist centres would be good but I'm aware how overwhelmed they are with actual present day cases I'd never use them.
I'm a bit frightened of opening the proverbial can if worms.

TheSmallClanger Thu 21-Mar-13 21:53:20

Have you spoken to your GP about the depression?

Counselling and various forms of talking therapy are available on the NHS, with some local variations. You may not be comfortable unburdening yourself to your doctor, but it might be easier with a therapist. They may also be able to refer you to someone more specialist within the mental health system.

I hope you find the help you need.

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 22-Mar-13 23:40:47

It's never too late.

Women's Aid can help you.

Family Lives is another good one.

Otherwise, a counsellor who specialises in abuse issues

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Fri 22-Mar-13 23:45:02

No, never too late. You arenot being over dramatic. I personally would go private rather than GP if affordable as faster and no,limit on sessions.

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 11:49:42

Thankyou all. I'm not consumed by it and live a perfectly happy life but I do feel its something I've never faced up to and it really was far more traumatic than I've ever told anyone. Very extreme beatings and being prevented from leaving afterwards. He even beat me up four days after a section (this was after I'd left him)
I thought I'd die on a number if occasions.
That needs dealing with doesn't it?

edam Sat 23-Mar-13 11:51:42

It's obviously still affecting you, whenever there's a trigger, so yes, please do go and see your GP or call Women's Aid.

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 12:08:31

Would I not be using valuable resources at WA though? In thinking current cases need them much more.

DaffodilAdams Sat 23-Mar-13 12:26:14

Oh sweetheart, those resources are there for you to use. Please do. It sounds horrendous. If anything I suspect you are underreacting. Women's Aid will be able to direct you to better resources if they feel that they aren't appropriate or can't offer you what you need.

dublinrose37 Sat 23-Mar-13 12:35:29

Creameggkr I work for a DV charity and we have many women coming in to use our services dealing with past abuse and its absolutely fine. Sometimes its only when you're out of a situation that the full impact of it becomes apparent. Please don't feel guilty at all for using any of the services out there. Well done for getting out of such a horrific situation and moving on with your life, its not easy.

Creameggkr Sat 23-Mar-13 15:45:50

Thank you I am going to contact WA even if its just for signposting.

Morien Wed 03-Apr-13 09:09:33

Creamegg I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, but pleased you're happy now.

I'm very new to FWR (I started reading the threads yesterday and this is the first time I've posted) although not to MN. I just wanted to say, though, that I had counselling a couple of years ago at the suggestion of my GP, to help deal with a bad bout of insomnia. I resisted at first because, like you, I felt that although there were difficult things in my past (it's all relative - nothing like yours), they didn't bother me any more, and I couldn't see what there could be to talk about. How wrong I was! I really believe that those weekly sessions allowed me to put down a burden I wasn't even aware I was carrying. I thought I was happy before but I'm so much better now, and I wish the same for you.

Morien Wed 03-Apr-13 09:12:29

Sorry - I meant to say that we're probably talking about the same kind of time-span. The things I needed to talk about dated back to my adolescence, and I did my counselling when I was 38. I don't think it's ever too late.

MrsClown1 Wed 03-Apr-13 16:40:06

My history is very similar to yours. When I first got out of the marriage after 21 years Women's Aid really helped. However, around 10 years later I too found that my temper raised its ugly head and I was depressed for much of the time. I went to my GP who referred me to the local NHS crisis team. I then had about a year of CBT counselling. I can honestly say it has changed my life completely. My depression is much better and so is my temper. Please see your GP and see if they offer the same it was brilliant.

Good luck I hope you get the help you need.

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