If you didn't change your surname when you got married

(68 Posts)
OrbisNonSufficit Sun 17-Mar-13 16:00:30

I haven't changed my surname, so DH and I have different surnames. So far, so normal. But everyone I talk to assumes that kids would all have the same surname and it would probably be his surname (we don't have any yet, TTC at the moment). I don't see why. I want one each (one kid with his name, one with mine) which seems fair. Otherwise I'm the only person in the family with a different name. What do you think?

Jenijena Sun 17-Mar-13 20:31:51

I'm Ms A, married to Mr C. Our son is something, something, a as a middle name C as his surname.

I'm passionate about not being defined by my husband's name, but I don't mind my children having their Dad's surname. If his surname was horrid, I'd feel differently, but there's nothing wrong with it. And double barrelling our names would have been clunky.

timetoask you say you're not a feminist... you may not have chosen to keep your name for feminist reasons, but if you're in the uk, the fact that you have the right to keep your name on marriage is a reflection on what feminism has achieved.

ZacharyQuack Sun 17-Mar-13 20:36:02

I'm Ms A married to Mr B. Our children have my surname. This has never caused anyone any problems.

CelticPromise Sun 17-Mar-13 20:43:12

I've kept my name, DS has DH's name (with mine as a second middle name) and we have decided to give any DDs my surname and DH's as a second middle one.

All our relatives seem to call us whatever they like anyway hmm

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 17-Mar-13 21:21:35

Weirdly, it never occurred to me not to give the kids DH's name, though I kept my name. I wish that it had occurred to me though.

In the maternity hospital, the bracelets on the baby are Baby YourSurname (so that they "belong" to you as the other patient) and I think I once read that the custom was to give the baby the mother's surname - it just so happened that for a long time that was the father's surname anyway. Don't know if that's right though.

ah, my area of expertise! grin

I'm don, he's payne, dd is paydon.
a completely made up name for her that is exactly half me and him.

Yama Sun 17-Mar-13 21:30:27

Dd has my name and ds has dh's name. Fair's fair.

Dd adores and I mean adores my family and really identifies with the name.

Ds is too young to know what his surname is, let alone identify with it. He and dh will bond over kilt wearing though so I'm guessing he'll grow attached to his name too.

Yama Sun 17-Mar-13 21:36:21

In that the tartan is his surname.

nkf Sun 17-Mar-13 21:36:23

It's so true that it's feminism that has given us the ability to make these decisions without too much hassle.

imip Sun 17-Mar-13 21:44:21

I didn't take dh name when we got married. I guess I used to be political about it, annoyed when I couldn't use the prefix ms etc. i would always have kept my name. When dd1 was born, I wanted to give her my surname as a middle name and then dh as her final surname. However, dd1 was stillborn, and to be honest giving her my surname was not an issue. We gave her the first name we loved and had always wanted to give our long-awaited first born. And dhs surname, the perfect name. When I saw her name written on her coffin, I wanted to change my surname to be the same as her. I didn't, but I am less fussed about it now. My four surviving dds have my husbands name. The oldest is six and they are not at all phased that I have a different name. So many people warned us that it would be an issue. Never has, and we have travelled overseas a number of times (on a number of different nationality passports as five of us are dual citizens). Never had a problem.

Though, dhs surname is a much, much nicer name than mine!

Our DCs do have DH's name (for mostly aesthetic reasons). But I know some families where all the DCs have the mother's name, one where the girls have the mother's name and the boys have the father's name, and ine where the boys have the mother's name and the girls have the father's name.

We're in a similar situation. Our names would make a ridiculous double barrel, and neither really wants to give up their own name to take the other's.

As a compromise, I have suggested that we choose a name we both like (e.g. invented or a good one from our family trees), and we will all change our names.

Our child has my surname for now- we did that as a bit of a lottery so as to be fair..!

We both have seriously awful surnames. My mother and MIL must both have loved their husbands a lot to have taken their names (they are from the generation which would not have questioned it, both both went from pleasant, normal names to FILs/my DDad's) grin. Our two names would be even worse double-barrelled.

DS's both have DH's surname, as his is marginally less awful than mine.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 17-Mar-13 22:11:38

DC have Dh's surname and my surname as a third middle name, so that they could use either or both if they chose. They would find it odd to have different surnames, I think - one of the things that has really struck me about their sibling relationship (I am an only child) is how much of a 'gang' they are. Interestingly they have recently started saying they'd like me to have the same name as them so I might in fact adopt DH's name after all shock. We've been married for 15 years.

Ouroboros Sun 17-Mar-13 22:21:08

I'm the same as a couple of others, I kept my surname, DD and DS have my husband's surname with my surname as a second middle name. I never had any intention of giving up my surname, my husband's family just ignore that, and sometimes mine do too which really annoys me! As does people asking why you bothered to get married as if all that's important about it is the wife giving up part of her identity.

tilder Sun 17-Mar-13 22:23:49

I didn't change my name but my children have my husband's surname, with my surname as a middle name. I find it personally to be a bad compromise. I feel that they don't really have my name, as the middle name gets overlooked.

Plus why did my principles only extend as far as my name? I kept my name as I am not my husbands property. But my children are equally mine, so their name should reflect this and it doesn't. Our surnamea don't work double barreled.

Not sure what compromise i should have gone for. Combined our surnames? Whole new family name? not sure what the answer is but I still feel a sense of detachment when I hear their names called in full, as I don't have a strong connection to their surname. Which is sad.

elastamum Sun 17-Mar-13 22:47:05

I didnt change my name but my children have my ex husbands name.

My ex left us for an OW. A couple of years back after ex remarried and his new wife took his surname, DS2 asked to change his surname to mine, but ex wouldnt agree so he had to stay as he was sad

I didn't take H's name. Both boys have their fathers's surnames (DS1 is from a previous relationship). If either had been a girl, she'd've had mine. Seemed the most sensible way to do it. I'm not having any more though.

elportodelgato Sun 17-Mar-13 22:55:14

I didn't change my name and our DC have both names as surnames but unhyphenated IYSWIM. My name is boring and easy to spell, DH's is long and foreign and complicated so maybe they will choose one or the other later in life or decide to keep both.

jennybeadle Sun 17-Mar-13 23:00:26

I definitely don't think that what name your DC have matters, but they should certainly have the same name as each other.

(feel very strongly about this having an unexpected DC3!)

edam Sun 17-Mar-13 23:00:27

I kept my surname. When pg with ds, I wanted to give him my surname but assumed he'd have dh's as well. Dh mumbled agreement but actually when we came to register ds he decided to go with my name alone. I was shocked and queried if he was really sure, but he was and has never had second thoughts. He says his surname is v. common and boring (true) and it was too much of a mouthful. He gave ds his Dad's name as a middle instead.

Has never caused any real problems except the odd raised eyebrow - we moved somewhere suburban where many people are very conventional but hey, let them chunter, no skin off our noses.

blueshoes Sun 17-Mar-13 23:00:33

My dcs have their father's surname (English).

The dcs attend Sunday Mandarin school and in that school, their surname is mine (Chinese).

edam Sun 17-Mar-13 23:00:50

(too much of a mouthful to have both names, I mean, it'd be five syllables).

edam Sun 17-Mar-13 23:07:07

Calypso, Europe isn't one country with one law (although clearly the Eurocrats are trying...). The law in Spain is different to the law in the Netherlands to the law in Belgium etc. etc. etc.

louisianablue2000 Sun 17-Mar-13 23:13:18

I didn't change my name when I got married, the kids have their father's surname. We briefly spoke about going double barrelled and/or using the Spanish system (father's surname mother's surname, carrying the father's surname to the next generation) because DH's Mum is from South America and he was born there so it would be valid but decided to go with the most conventional option. I wouldn't have given them different surnames from each other, I think that would make most people assume they were half rather than full siblings.

It does make me laugh that most people assume that the namechange on marriage tradition in England is the same everywhere, when people ask if DH minds that I haven't changed my name I always tell them his mother didn't because she is from South America and they don't do it there (incidentally historically women didn't change their name in Scotland either which is why Scottish gravestones still have women's maiden name rather than their married name).

nooka Sun 17-Mar-13 23:17:59

The same is true for Canada - it's only Quebec that doesn't allow name changing.

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