A little disappointed in my mum...

(15 Posts)
Darkesteyes Sat 23-Feb-13 16:33:02

specialsubject i tried to point that out to them too. but they just dont hear it. It is sooooo frustrating.

notcitrus Sat 23-Feb-13 12:54:30

I only ever went to one wedding with my parents, and my mother who is superficially very feminist took me shopping for something "suitable". Being 14 I wanted something that would look grown up. She ended up buying me a business type suit that was well scratchy and claimed that if I didn't want frills I must like this.

So much for my dreams of slinky and elegant.

My children are only little but my parenting is basically trying to treat them like people. I insist ds wears clean clothes suitable for the weather, which is enough of a battle - the rest is up to him.

specialsubject Sat 23-Feb-13 12:21:54

the thing that shocks me is that grandparents are expecting a girl to wear a label '18 and legal'.

That is utterly horrific.

Slumberparty Fri 22-Feb-13 23:06:14

My mum forced me to wear a dress to a wedding when I was about 10 or 11. I hated dresses anyway, and she made me wear a really pink, flowery smocked dress - the worst kind of dress I could have imagined! I felt really uncomfortable and 'babyish' all day. That's all I remember about that wedding!

kim147 Thu 21-Feb-13 14:17:46

My mum died when I was 18 so I never really got to know her as an adult. I'd like to think she was very feminist in her views - she certainly did not follow the tradition expected in the late 50s and joined the Forces.

She actually outranked DF when she met him. She always worked part time from when we went to school and I think she had pretty modern views. Unlike DF who is a bit of an entitled alpha male and I have no idea why my step mum stays with him.

curryeater Thu 21-Feb-13 14:13:20

"18 and legal"?!? WTAF?!!

My mother is odd. She basically told me what feminism was when I was a child and now comes out with very strange things. I doubt she has changed, I just think it is probably more the case that 30 years ago her opinions went against the grain slightly and now have been rather overtaken (by mine at least, if no one else's).

She gives boxes of family goodies at Christmas to DP and BIL because they are "heads of the household". She cannot believe that DP can cook. Her mind is blown by what a hands-on father he is. When she visits, she very kindly irons his shirts, but thinks she has done me a favour (I have nothing to do with them).
It all really came home to me the other day when she was visiting, I had the day off to do things and DP was working late out of town, and she said "well you'll have a lovely clear run if the girls have eaten at the childminder and DP won't be back till late". She meant that I was free to complete whatever domestic tasks I liked because the usual time-crushing guillotine of DINNER would not fall, as I had no kids or man to cook for. She was kind of right, but I also think is strange and a little sad that it is obvious to her that a man being out late means you have less to do, not more - in my case it means I bath the kids and put them to bed on my own, which she probably did every single night anyway.

WoTmania Thu 21-Feb-13 10:24:27

Urgh, darkesteyes that's dreadful...at least my mum for my 19th got me a decent cake (I'd worked for a baker who knew me) it was.......black with red roses grin.
I bet your neice appreciates having you around to provide a bit of balance

WoTmania Thu 21-Feb-13 10:21:10

Grrr! My mum is like this...and my dad increasingly so. I made my DSs some alibaba trousers (they asked) and my dad told me off for 'using them to make a point'
Very much of the opinion that by not conforming you are just making life harder for yourself and that everyone has to conform at some point.

FWIW I think your suggestion sounds great

Not my daughter. I was quoting the poster who posed the question.

I have a son which is a whole different challenge grin

babanouche Wed 20-Feb-13 23:25:09

"She just preceded the women's lib generation, but worked hard, made sure my sister and I got good educations, encouraged us to strive and achieve and our toys were fairly gender neutral."

I think you should focus on that. That's a pretty good achievement, don't you think? We're all just doing what we can in the time we live in and sounds like your mum did good.

You used the word 'tomboy'. Plenty of people object to that being used to describe a girl these days, as though she's less of a female because she likes climbing trees. I'm not having a go - just illustrating a point.

Let your daughter wear what she's comfortable in. She'll be talking about you one day smile

Darkesteyes Wed 20-Feb-13 22:25:39

Exactly cakes. I was so excited over my idea for the cake. But my dad said You cant have a black cake Black is for funerals"
E4 have been showing old episodes of Charmed in the afternoons and very recently in one ep it was Coles birthday and they wheeled out a black cake with red icing round it (was a big round cake) but the colour scheme was exactly as i pictured it (except for the red roses and guitars) i frightened the life out of DH when i screamed THATS IT THATS WHAT I MEANT but its not him that needs convincing.

Not a problem. That must be so frustrating. What's the point if throwing her a party that she's just going to tolerate? I mean, let's face it, most 18 year old are only just about going to tolerate a family party anyway, never mind an alcohol free one with the wrong theme!

Darkesteyes Wed 20-Feb-13 22:01:06

I feel yr pain OP . But i have quite a mysogynistic mother who is the product of the culture she comes from. Ive had my problems with her which ive talked about here before.
My niece is 18 next month. My niece is very into her rock music reads Kerrang/Classic Rock and also likes crime thrillers. Not "girly" at all.
A couple of weeks ago my parents showed me what they are doing for her 18th.
a. Its a lunchtime do at 1pm. Because apparently she is not allowed out in the evening (but thats another thread)
b.the cake. Apparently that HAS to be iced white with pink flowers on it. I came up with the idea of a black cake with a couple of red roses on it (i was thinking of a certain Guns and Roses album cover) and maybe a couple of silver guitar cake decorations on it. but NO ABSOLUTELY NOT it has to be white and it HAS to have pink on it.
c. my dad then said "we have bought a sash for her to wear" i said "i bet its pink" and yep sure enough he pulls out a baby pink sash with 18 and Legal written on it.
i mentioned ive got 2 bottles of wine left over from New Year ( i had that winter bug back then so they never got opened) and my mum kicked off saying "shes not bloody drinking"
So whats the fucking point of wearing a sash with Legal written on it then. She can have a glass of wine with her cake surely.
Aarrrgh I know my parents are paying for it so this might sound ungrateful but they dont seem to know their granddaughter at all.
Ive tried to tell them and they can see who she is but its like they look but they dont see. <head desk> sorry for hijack.

Lessthanaballpark Wed 20-Feb-13 21:21:44

Vent away! That kind of fatalistic "you've just got to get on with it" attitude annoys the hell out of me too, as well as the guilt-inducing "it's someone else's day". It's so fatalistic, depressing and vaguely manipulative.

Why should your daughter have to wear anything she doesn't want to? Skirts aren't exactly fun. I used to be a "tomboy" and skirts were my enemy! Tights always falling down, can't sit however you like. Pain in the arse really.

She just preceded the women's lib generation, but worked hard, made sure my sister and I got good educations, encouraged us to strive and achieve and our toys were fairly gender neutral.

I just posed her a question I saw on the S & B boards about what to dress a tomboy 7 year old in for a wedding. Her reply was, basically, suck it up and wear a dress because it's someone else's day.

Why does that mean she should wear a dress? I asked.

Because she has to look smart.

But can't she wear a suit and still look smart? Say I, thinking of a good (girl)friend of mine who wore a suit to my son's christening.
Why should she conform?

She'll have to at some point

Why should she? Why should she every need to wear a dress if she doesn't want to?

Well most school uniforms still have girls in skirts.

I pointed out that the majority of state schools now allowed trousers, but it was clear we weren't going to reach consensus and were both getting a little tetchy so I didn't pursue it.

I guess she's lucky she got two very girly girls really, isn't she? I'm just a bit surprised and yes, disappointed.

How you can follow the back-and-forth.

And for what it's worth I suggested skinny fit beige chinos, a dark blue waistcoat and pale blue shirt with cap sleeves.

Needed to vent somewhere I'd stand a chance of being understood

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