Can anyone hepl pls read... My son was taken without cause into care through ss foster care contract services?

[Shilow]

I am a single mom who lives in Virginia.  I raise two kids on my own and have no boy friend.  I receive no help from their father and they are now 14, 16.  I have full custody and father is not helping (long story different topic)   We live in a five bedroom home with two bathrooms and garage fenced in back yard and three dogs.
I started having problems with my kids when my father died. First it was my daughter.  She stole my van (no lisence), seperate time ran away and more  With the help of Jesus was able to find her in her disposition everytime.  After much prayer, conceling, ect she staightened up and started flying right.... BUT over lapping my son started in.  He was different, rude, disrespectful, getting suspended, retalation during displine.  Some friend of my father told me to get help.  I figured his situation was a lil different he needed a male mentor.  I talked with the principal of his school, conselors, when to down town to see about a progam the local police told me about (CHINS).  When I went to the place they had no idea what I spoke of, was told to go some where else. (down by the court house in down town). When I got there the man told me i had to take charges out or put him in the said counseling he referred.  I ask what should I do if he retaliate?  He said call the police, didn't like that answer. I did hope that this wouldnt become an issue but my son reputaion was growing.  I got him into the said counseling and even was working on another counselor to do in home visits the principal of the school had referred me to.   The following week would go by and he was suspended from school. After talking to the school principal he agreed to take him back in, for in school suspension so he wouldnt feel rewarded ( as he doesnt want to go to school anyway)  
BUT over the weekend .....He was asked to wash dishes, became rude, refused and did not comply,. He was warned several times when he did not comply and cursed, I smacked him. Then and got a robe belt that had no weight and tried to hit him with it.  He turned around and cuffed his arms around my neck, I was suffocating under his arms I did everthing to break free but couldn't. Scard he would kill me even if he had no understanding the neck takes only 5lbs of pressure, I grabbed the nape of his hair and body slammed both of us against the wall 3 times.  My son is almost 6feet tall. I am 5'2.  My bestfriend finally heard what was happening down stairs, came down and pulled him off of me. The friend and I went outside and I called the police.  The police man who came had been to my home before, very nice man but felt my son needed to learn this time.  The other female officer also believed that my son needed to learn this time.  He was arrested brought up on charges and set to detention center till trial.  While he was in jail, I was contacted by common wealth and told they were transfering his case to felony (?).  As his mom this scared me.  He needed to learn his lesson and have good God fearing man in his life not a felony.  I thought maybe they will not do it and give him the CHINS progem and send him home on probation, keep going to conseling and even get a nome bound one to visit our home and get himself straight just dont push these things dont talk to them.    
  When I walked into the court room (in the max 10 mins).  Charges were being dropped and my son was being taken into foster care and placed with another single mom, given a cell phone, tv, computer and curfew (?????????????????)and I have not been told when I can see him.  So now I'm sure in his mind, he is rewarded for bad behavior and lies and even if I do get him back(???????????????????????????????!!!!!!)
I was never brought up on charges, never found any evidence of abuse or neglect, or given a valid reason as to why.  The social work who took him in to care even stated she doesn't understand and that no one she has talked to understands.  I visited her today to see if she had more info.  When I got to the floor, i ask the receptionist (without telling my situation) " why do kids get placed into foster care?" she said one of 2 reasons abuse or neglect.  What am I to think.  When I finally go to speak with the foster care worker she told me my son doesnt belong there but when the judge or courts say to take them they do and that is it because it is her job.  She said in20 years over half the cases children she has taken, should not be in foster care, but the case of my son baffled her.... She called the courts while I was there with her to see if I could appeal.  She was told no.  She even called someone else who also hd no answers. 
I am totally without any understand and this is completely as I can tell my current evens. I havent been able to sleep for days now and have to go back to court in a week uet I am still not being charges with anything.  I am told that i will have to go to court many times even to pay child support yet he ha a home and i myself have never received the money his father was ordered to pay in the last 16 years (25$ if i am lucky every 6 -12 months) if you have constuctive input or info that has been thought out to or been through something like this pls help..... I am going to loss my job over all the time and sleepless nights then they will say i am unfit to provide  ( stale joke- straight face- but 4 REAL!!,!?). If you have light real light please help I really need it in ver y little time as to I feel the longer it goes by the harder it will get although I am told there is nothing I can do.  I really can not exept this.  I do give thanks to God as He is mighty over all of this but I am not going to lay on my back my ears are open pls no sympathy just realness if you have any.

[LaurieFairyCake]

There is of course one other reason why he is now in foster care and that is that he requested it himself. He may know that what is going on between you is volatile and ugly and want to be removed from it.

He may be worried about how angry he gets with you and has chosen to go into foster care so that it's calmer for him. It also may be a good thing for you, you are now not being abused in your home!

I suggest counselling/therapy for you to help you come to terms with the fact that he will choose to come home when he's ready - and when he does you mustn't say that he can do whatever he likes (just because you're afraid and want him back) but instead 'these are the rules, and they're not going to change if you come back'.

Him being away from you might inprove your relationship, it will take some of the heat out of it. What about your minister/pastor to talk to?

I do think it will be helpful to think that you haven't done anything wrong,
and takes some of the focus off him and onto yourself - get some sleep, and look after yourself.

[Hullygully]

Good advice Laurie.

You might all benefit from some family therapy as well once everything has calmed down.

[OliviaMumsnet]

Hi there
Do let us know if we can move this thread somwhere a little more helpful for you OP
Kindest
MNHQ

[Writehand]

This is an awful situation for you and you have my sympathy. Things seem to have got completely out of hand in your home and I am not really surprised that the authorities have acted, though they may have been clumsy.

If my teenage son was getting seriously violent with me I would want him taken into another home for both our sakes. Think what it would do to him if he seriously hurt you. That may sound really stupid, but hurting you might easily do him more permanent damage than it did to you, if you see what I mean. You get over bruises. Beating your mother is a life-changer.

I agree with LaurieFairyCake that having him away, even short term, will give space for things to settle. It's clear that faith is important to you, and you might find it helpful to consult people in your church. You need all the allies you can get.

Trouble is, I think most posters on Mumsnet are British and the laws/foster system is all different here, so we're not likely to be very useful on the legal side. I know nothing about your system.

[HairyHandedTrucker]

OP, I am surprised you found your way on to mumsnet, it doesn't tend to come up in American web based searches. TBH, I don't think you will get much in the way of practical help as like writehand explained this a UK forum. There are some Americans (like myself) but they aren't likely to be near you. And I haven't got a clue about child services in Virgina.

Good luck to you though

[madwomanintheattic]

You smacked and tried to beat a mid teenage boy with a belt, because he refused to wash dishes and cursed, then got into a physical fight with him?

I think family therapy would be a good start.

And I wish you luck in finding a US forum to get some advice.