AIBU to expect my DH to pay into a pension for me whilst being a SAHM to his children?

(41 Posts)

Well am I?

He thinks so.

OneHandFlapping Fri 05-Oct-12 13:36:39

No you're not being unreasonable. Whatever reason does he give for not allowing you an independent retirement?

I haven't earned for years, but we still invest money (when we have any) in my pension.

mellen Fri 05-Oct-12 13:38:27

It probably depends to an extent on what you both feel is the best use of family resources.

JustFabulous Fri 05-Oct-12 13:38:44

Why wouldn't he want to do this? You are his wife and the mother of his children. He is supposed to love you.

summerflower Fri 05-Oct-12 13:38:46

I think it depends who decided you should be a SAHM, what the other options are, and how you and your DH both feel about them.

If you both think it is best that you be a SAHM, then I don't think it is unreasonable that your financial future is as secure as his is. That is both of your responsibility.

If being a SAHM is your decision and he would prefer you to keep working or to do shared care, then it is a bit more difficult to make that argument, I think.

Well he says we can't afford it and that all his assets are mine anyway.

So I told him in that case to stop paying his own pension and buy more assets.

To be fair he's not an arse, just a bit ignorant about these things.

For a variety of reasons I have very little pension of my own. It would require a substantial monthly outlay to make it even very modest.

He says that we're not equal in that he's being paying his pension for years before he met me when I wasn't and that this shouldn't penalise him.

Summer. The cost of childcare for 3 young kids, 1 disabled, is beyond my earning capacity. Beyond his for that matter.

PigletJohn Fri 05-Oct-12 14:00:24

if you are not in employment and do not have taxable earnings, the most you are allowed to contribute to a pension scheme is £2,880 per year. You will get a tax rebate on this (even if you are not a taxpayer!) which goes into the fund.

It might be worth taking out term life assurance (this is fairly cheap) on both of you, so the other could get by if the worst happened.

Ragwort Fri 05-Oct-12 14:05:06

Are all your 'assets' in joint names Ie: house/any savings/investments)?, as a SAHM myself that is far more important to me than my 'own' pension - as Piglet says you really can't invest a huge amount and it wouldn't be worth much when you reach retirement age. Do you both have life assurance, that would be far more useful grin?

KRITIQ Fri 05-Oct-12 14:07:49

It sounds like he needs to get some sound financial advice as it appears he doesn't really understand it all.

Viviennemary Fri 05-Oct-12 14:11:14

It all depends on how much money you have. If you have plenty of spare money then YANBU. If money is tight then I think you are a bit. From what I've heard those private pension pay in schemes aren't very reliable. Some companies have a flexible scheme where the employee can elect to have a smaller pension and the spouse can receive a larger pension.

We don't currently have a house. Assets and savings are in his name. At some point we will buy a house and it will be in joint names, unless there are any benefits to it being in my name only, which I would expect him to agree to if that is the case.

No we don't have life assurance. Tbh, these past few years we have been holding on by the skin of our teeth as life sent us on a whirlwind, but it's calmed down now and we need to sort ourselves.

Helpyourself Fri 05-Oct-12 14:16:38

YA a bit U if you didn't have one before.
I can see the logic if you've stopped work to look after DCs and want to continue.

I had hardly any before, but my point is I haven't had the opportunity to earn and put a substantial amount away to make up for it.

Helpyourself Fri 05-Oct-12 14:23:10

Claiming Child benefit ensures you don't miss out on NI contributions to qualify for your State Pension. If you can afford to save a pension probably isn't the best option in your case. I'd get advice about who's name the savings and assets are in- there could be tax benefits to them being in your name.

Ragwort Fri 05-Oct-12 14:24:15

I really don't think from what you have said that putting a few pounds away in a pension scheme will make a lot of difference, far more important to try to buy a house in joint names and perhaps look at life assurance?

I worked for many years before choosing to give up; I contributed fairly hefty sums to my personal pension which is now frozen but worth hardly anything.

Ragwort Fri 05-Oct-12 14:25:17

Good point about child benefit protecting your NI contributions, you can check on line to get a forecast for your state pension and if you need to 'buy' any missing contributions.

summerflower Fri 05-Oct-12 14:27:11

>>Summer. The cost of childcare for 3 young kids, 1 disabled, is beyond my earning capacity. Beyond his for that matter. <<

Ah okay, my apologies. I assumed from your post that this was a discussion pre-first born, but it sounds like this is the existing arrangement and you are starting to get worried that all the saving for the future is in his name, and you have no financial provision?

Which is a reasonable concern.

>>I haven't had the opportunity to earn and put a substantial amount away to make up for it<<

I think this is the point. Sounds like you have been keeping house and home together whilst he has been earning and providing. Were you to separate, I do think you would be entitled to half of his pension for the years you were together, if you are married, so it is a mistaken assumption on his part that the pension is all his anyway.

As for him not being penalised, you are being penalised for having looked after your children. Does he not get that?

'Were you to separate, I do think you would be entitled to half of his pension for the years you were together, if you are married, so it is a mistaken assumption on his part that the pension is all his anyway.'

What if we didn't separate but he died at 62? Would I get any of his pension then?

Tbh, we had planned to have two children close together, with me returning to work after second maternity leave.

We were NOT planning to have a disabled child, a requirement to sell our house and move frequently to get him adequate provision (a full-time role also) and then a third child.

So, we hadn't considered much, just got on with surviving. But now it is clear I am in a financially vulnerable situation that I didn't expect to be in.

Nagoo Fri 05-Oct-12 14:36:49

From what you have said I think that a pension for you would not be the most sensible option due to the amount you would need to put away to get a decent return.

I think your concerns are reasonable but with 3 small children I would not prioritise the pension over, for example, trying to buy a property. It is all investment in the future.

NatashaBee Fri 05-Oct-12 14:39:06

If he gets a pension from his employers that they also contribute to, it would be silly to miss out on the employer contributions. But paying into one for you, if there is money spare, should be equally important. There are probably tax benefits to having savings in your name rather than his, could you look into those and sell it to him that way?

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