Having a sex preference for your baby

[WannabeEarthMomma]

I'm not a mum (not started ttc yet!) but I'm interested in discussing how others feel about having a preference for a certain sex when having a baby.

I was a tomboy as a kid (my mum indulged my preference for short hair and trousers and assumed that I was gay), and although I'm more in touch with my inner diva these days, I continue to not give a monkeys about conforming to some ideal of womanhood. I think it's good to teach kids about gender roles but let them know that it's fine to not always conform to them if they don't want to. I also think that having a sex preference for your unborn is kind of daft because your choice doesn't decide the outcome anyway! Unless you have a doctor intervene in a way that is possibly illegal(?) then it's up to Mother Nature what you actually get, and whatever your preference, you've a 50% chance of being disappointed. Also, continuing to procreate more than you originally meant to, just in order to get the other sex, seems very unfair on your family, surely it's better to decide on how many children you'd like, regardless of their sex?

Nevertheless, I have found myself reading about natural sex selection theories, (which I think are at best, a long-shot) and thinking that if it were actually possible, I'd probably choose to have a boy! I'm a terrible traitor to the entire world of feminists/lgbt/gender-non-conformists! It's completely stupid because how on Earth would I know that the prodigal son would be anything like I expected him to be. I might sit down to play Legos with him and he might be more interested in Barbie!!!

Joking aside, I do genuinely have this mental image of me as a doting mum of an adult son that makes me go all gooey. Legends of the Fall is one of my fave soppy films to watch because of the 3 very good-looking brothers (one of them is Brad Pitt ) and the thought of having some mummy's boys in my home seems lovely to me. Even though I'd know I'd be happy to have children of any variety, I can't help feeling like I'd be more happy to hear 'it's a boy!'

Do/did you have a sex preference for your unborn offspring? Do you think it is natural to have a certain preference, perhaps for some Freudian psychological reason? Or am I simply a red-blooded heterosexual who has seen too many male-dominated romantic movies, and I'm putting males onto a pedestal?

[annath]

Without consciously making a choice to do so, I automatically thought of my unborn child as "he" straight away from when I first found out I was pregnant. My partner also seemed to assume it was a boy. The nearer we got to the 20 week scan, the more worried I got that I would struggle to bond with the bump if I found out it was a girl. I don't know why. We kept saying to each other "of course we will be just as happy if it is a girl, and love her just as much". Once the scan was over, and our boy was confirmed to be just that, we looked at each other and, I think, both breathed a sigh of relief that we would never have to find out whether we would have been disappointed. I'm not justifying how we felt at all, it's not very nice at all, but it seemed strange that we both felt so strongly about it on a purely instinctive level.

[scarlettsmummy2]

With my first pregnancy I was desperate for a girl. I just really wanted to have a good mother/ daughter relationship. Second time round I had no preference either way and now have two girls, but I do think my husband would like a son.

[GoodButNotOutstanding]

With dd1 I was so convinced she was a boy that I asked the mw 5 times if she was sure I had a girl and told her she must be wrong. I hadn't thought I minded one way or the other but obviously I did as I was disappointed. I was only disappointed for a few minutes though, then I had a proper look at her and fell in love.

Dp really, really wanted dd2 to be a girl too. Dd1 is not biologically his so he hadn't really had a chance to express a preference before. Then when we started ttc for dd2 he told me he'd only ever seen himself as the dad to a little girl (with dark hair in bunches ). He even went as far as saying if it's a little boy it's going back. I took to saying I really wanted a boy just to balance it out and get him used to the idea (cos no baby is going back!!). I was quite glad we got a girl though so I didn't have to see how disappointed he was with a boy.

[MsAnnTeak]

Wonder if desiring a son is not wanting any female competition for the affections of the DH?

[AThingInYourLife]

I have 3 girls. I didn't find out the sex until they were born.

Before getting pregnant with DD1 I had always wanted "children", but had no specific ideas about number or gender.

But once I was pregnant I found I had a very strong preference for a girl, which really surprised me.

Second time I didn't care much, but if asked probably preferred the idea of a second girl,

Third time I thought beforehand that I would want a boy, but I didn't care at all.

Since DD3 was born 3 weeks ago I have been slightly wistful for the son I might never have. I wonder whether I would feel "done" if she had been a boy.

Whether there will be a DC4 is an open question, and I certainly wouldn't TTC hoping for one gender, but the chance of having a boy when I have none could be an influencing factor.

I feel very lucky to have 3 girls.

[NameGames]

I think it would be odd, given how gendered our society is, if there weren't people with a strong preference one way or the other. I think it's a shame, but maybe not too important since it seems the preference is fairly equally divided between girls and boys and most parents in the UK fall in love with the child they have, regardless of what they had "wanted".

I don't know that too many Hollywood movies have made you put men on a pedestal (though the doting over a mummy's bot sounds a bit odd as an aspiration ). But I do think it is possibly partly the result of living in a gendered society and identifying with traditionally male symbols and activities which makes you think a boy will be a better child, because in your subconcsious mind they are automatically closer to a lot of things you probably had to struggle that little bit harder for/with.

[peoplesrepublicofmeow]

could it be that creating the opposite sex is more special than recreating the same sex?

they do say though, 'a daughter is a child all your life, a son is a child until he takes a wife' or something of that nature, i know both my sisters phone my mum all the time, really keep in contact, i phone once every few weeks.

we have 2 boys and my OH only has sisters, i know she's dissapointed that she wont get the girl-relationship, her mum and sisters meet up for shopping days and stuff like that, (no steriotype intended).

also, what annteak said could be a factor.

[MsAnnTeak]

I dearly wanted my first child to be a daughter. Not sure if it was relevent to my choice but I'd had a troublesome relationship with my own mother and wonder if by having a DD I thought somehow I'd be able to mend myself by showering all the love, affection, time and energy I'd never felt I had onto her.
2nd child I wanted to be a son but that I'm presuming is wanting to have what was perceived to be the ideal family. One of each. Turned out to be a DD, and was love at 1st sight. Subsequent pregnancy and I only wanted to have DDs and it still raises a smile when so many people assume I must be secretly disappointed at never having a son. As if I couldn't be truly fulfilled as a mother with only same sex children. It reared it's head when I was expecting the arrival of grandchildren, as if somehow having a GS would make up for not having a DS.

[summerflower]

I have to say that I totally just wanted a healthy baby, as my sister's DD was stillborn at 37 weeks before my DD was born, and I was also diagnosed with an ectopic. I knew DD was a girl and as I come from a family of girls, I expected a girl - although I think my sister would have found it easier if I had had a boy, I don't know.

Second time around, I had had three m/cs before DS was born, so it was still definitely a case of healthy baby. But, and this surprised me, I was relieved that he was a boy, not because I specifically wanted a boy, but because having been a single parent to DD, and having such a close relationship with her, I didn't want her to feel usurped or threatened by a new child with whose biological father I am still together, if that makes any sense at all.

In fact, she has said that it is good that I have a girl and a boy, because I don't have a favourite child, I can have a favourite girl and a favourite boy. It's funny how children see things.

I just think I am very lucky, regardless of their sex.

[StealthPolarBear]

I had a slight preference for a girl with my first pg. I had DS. He was so lovely that I wanted another boy with my second. I had DD :o So in one way, I've got the opposite of what I wanted, and in other ways I've got exactly what I wished for!

[thunksheadontable]

I wanted a healthy baby above all else. First time we found out we were having a boy, but second time we elected not to. Since ds2 was born 5 weeks ago I have had some disappointment that the dreams I had of a girl through pregnancy are now gone, though I also had dreams for him so suspect I might have felt the same either way.

I don't think we're likely to have another, so that realisation that I may never have a daughter when I would have liked to have the experience of having both is something that I need to adjust to.

Not too concerned about the daughter is a daughter for life business. My husband talks to his family nearly every day, I am much more erratic about contacting mine... don't think gender makes contact with adult children a given. Similarly, when my sister's BIL died, I think there was a lot of worry that the family would lose contact with the children but they are very much involved in their lives and still go on family holidays with their cousins even though her SIL has remarried.

[SardineQueen]

I think that we are products of society and our personal experiences and due to those things some people will have preferences.

So like this "Legends of the Fall is one of my fave soppy films to watch because of the 3 very good-looking brothers (one of them is Brad Pitt ) and the thought of having some mummy's boys in my home seems lovely to me." is an idea that has been sold through a hollywood film. Also there are films which "sell" the mother/daughter relationship. Not sure about men - I think with them the idea of father/son is "sold" much more heavily than father/daughter? Although can think of a few exceptions. Then there are all the sayings, some of which are on here. Ad of course our own relationships with parents / siblings / friends and wider family.

[SardineQueen]

msannteak also you said this below and I don't really understand it. Can you explain?

"Wonder if desiring a son is not wanting any female competition for the affections of the DH?"

It sounds as if you are saying that some kind of sexual attention is involved? Or that men do not feel affection for their sons? I am not sure what you mean so would be great if you could clarify.

[AThingInYourLife]

StealthPolar
"in other ways I've got exactly what I wished for!"

That's how it felt for me each time :)

[AMumInScotland]

I didn't have a preference while I was pregnant, but there have been a lot of times I've been glad I had a boy, specially when I look at how "Barbie pink" so much of the clothes and toys for girls has become, and think about how much I'd have had to fight against peer pressure to keep a girl from being influenced by that. But if I'd had a girl I'd doubtless be happy about the positives of that and glad not to have to consider what to do about guns etc.

I think the important thing isn't whether people have a preference, but how easily they are able to put it to one side and love the child they get, whether it matches their preference or not. It's ok to feel a little regret about all kinds of things that haven't happened that you hoped for, but not to let it drown you and spoil the good things in life.

[AThingInYourLife]

Is the "daughter for life" an English thing?

I'm Irish and had never heard of it before MN.

Irish mammies expect to always be close to their boys.

[SardineQueen]

So there is a strong cultural influence there.
What is expected / what is the norm.
Of course in many cultures boys are far far more wanted than girls.

[AMumInScotland]

I don't get the whole "daughter for life" thing either - DH is much closer to his family than I am to mine, and it's usually him reminding me that I haven't called my mum for weeks.

[peanutMD]

the minute I found out I was pregnant with ds I automatically stated "he", picked out a name and was drawn to boys clothing etc. before hand I didn't have a preference but I would've been a bit lost if ds was a girl.

Now pregnant with dc2 and would prefer another boy but wouldn't bother either way.

[MsAnnTeak]

Sardinequeen
My daughter and I were recently discussing an extremely disturbing incident was raised in her studies. A women had been convicted of murdering her baby daughter, apparently driven by jealously over her DHs attentions for her she had murdered, cooked the baby up and served her up to her husband. Would she have done it if the child had been a DS? Was there anything sexual, I have no idea ?

Nor do I think it only applies to female only, as fathers can feel some negative emotion around a mother's attention to her son.

[SardineQueen]

That seems to be a rather unusual case.

I still don't understand what you meant in your original point. I can only read it as a mother disliking her OH paying sexual attention to a female child - which is disturbing. Or that men don't feel affection towards male children. Which is simply not true.

You were quite specific "Wonder if desiring a son is not wanting any female competition for the affections of the DH?". Obviously if it were an idea that any child might represent competition for the mother for the attention of the father then that would not be relevant to the thread.

[SardineQueen]

Are you simply buying into the patriarchy-approved trope that all women are in competition sexually, including with their own families and children, that they are not capable of having true friendships etc etc? If you are then I think it would be worthwhile examining where you have picked that idea up from and whether you really believe it.

[KRITIQ]

I think there are SO many factors that can influence our preferences and expectations that it's almost impossible to separate out what part is played by social, economic, political and cultural influences (including gender roles and differing values placed on males and females,) what part is played by our own family and personal experiences and what part is played by personal "tastes."

I suppose where one does feel a strong preference for either a girl or boy, it could be useful to try and reflect on why that might be, where it might be coming from, and be really, really honest with yourself. At least having greater self-awareness can help with "managing" the situation, to ensure as far as possible that whatever it is that makes you feel as you do doesn't cause any direct or indirect harm for the child.

I don't think it's just an issue of say really wanting a boy, but having a girl and your relationship with her being "clouded" by the disappointment. If you have a child of the sex you hope for, there are also dangers in loading too many expectations upon them which they may not be able or willing to fulfil.

[SardineQueen]

The thing that I have noticed is that people with female siblings seem to want t girl and ones with male siblings seem to want a boy.

Obviously experience growing up with a brother or a sister - assuming a good relationship - will play a part. And I guess bad experiences too.

[MsAnnTeak]

Sardinequeen giving your evident and now predictable track record on twisting what's posted, hardly shocked by your post.
Are you presuming the only affection a man can have will be based purely on a sexual basis, I'm not ? Incest hadn't entered my mind.