My daughter cleans up after my sons

[maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour]

And I have a bit of a problem with it, I was hoping by discussing it here you could help me figure out why I feel so uneasy with or if there's anything I can do about it

I have five boys and one girl, she is six. And as the title states she is often found cleaning up after her brothers. She loves to help tidy and always keeps her room clean, and is often found tidying her brothers rooms when they are supposed to be doing it. She is also very good at anything like that whereas the boys are pretty useless. If someone spills something she will jump up to take care of it, she even does a little head shake with an indulgent smile at the boys! She looks for all the world like a mini 50's housewife who has to take care of 'her boys'

Now I know she's only young, and know it'll probably all change soon, but I just can't figure out why she is behaving in such a stereotypical way, and it bugs me not least because I think that most people will assume we have 'trained' her to be that way

What makes it really puzzling is that in our house it is DH who does all the domestic duties, and we also have equal chores/responsibilities set by age so all of the children are treated equally. I just don't understand where this is coming from, and while it could simply be a personality thing it seems too much of a coincidence that out if six children it would the one girl who would behave like this

So am I barking up the wrong tree here?

[Yama]

She has been getting messages from elsewhere - her friends, adverts on the tv 'Women spend 6 hours a week doing housework' (new Cilit Bang advert), other relatives, school. It all adds up.

Others will be along with ideas as to how to tackle it. My own dd hates housework whereas my ds loves to copy his parents.

[Nagoo]

If she is tidy I would not discourage it, I think I would reward her, so as to encourage the boys to do their own cleaning.

I would tidy after my sisters and get pocket money for cleaning their room.

I don't know enough to say whether your DD has been indoctrinated, but at least you'd be encouraging tidy behavour.

[SardineQueen]

Nagoo's idea is good I think.

Telling her not to do something that she wants to do sounds like the wrong thing to do, to me anyway.

Just keep telling her that it's not her responsibility, and she shouldn't clear up their messes, or their rooms, but if she just really enjoys it then giving her a treat or reward would be a nice thing to do. And of course the boys get nowt.

Some people are just really clean and tidy I guess.

[maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour]

I agree that the tidying is a good thing though she certainly doesn't get it from me and we do encourage that, but I think it just bugged me that even though we expect the same from all of them it only seems to have really stuck with the only girl. Though the boys aren't allowed to wiggle out of it and they all do get rewarded for doing it

I guess im reading too much into things, I must be a bit oversensitive to it

[SardineQueen]

No it would really bug me, and upset me probably TBH, to see a little girl picking up after her 5 big brothers all the time like that.

I think if it were me I would

• keep a very close eye out for her brothers asking her to do it and stopping that whenever I saw it
  
• keep a very close eye on them expecting her to do it eg one makes a mess with something and then looks over at her - that's the time to say no you made the mess you deal with it
  
• keep reminding her that while she is welcome to do these things if she wants to, it is not actually her job and she doesn't have to do it and no-one is expecting her to do it
  
  Could it be that she really doesn't like mess and the boys don't deal with it quickly so she thinks she might as well do it? That is a dynamic that seems to happen a lot with grown-up couples! And would be a bit worrying to me I think.

[TheSmallClanger]

Would the boys pull their weight more if rewards were involved? Your DD's tidiness does have a good side, but it sounds as if they are the ones who need to raise their game.

[grimbletart]

I would encourage an entrepreneurial spirit in your DD if she insists on doing it i.e the boys are told they must do it by X but if they don't and your daughter does it the boys have to pay her out of their pocket money.

[sashh]

Pay her, with her brothers' pocket money. Oops just notice I'm not the only one who thinks like that.

I was looking after a friends three when they were 8, 10 and 14. I asked them to help clean up and the girl (middle child) agreed, the boys refuse. After we were finished I made a big show of giving her some money as a thank you.

The boys were outraged. If they had known there was money involved they would have helped. I said they shouldn't need paying and the only reason I paid the girl was because the boys refused if they had all helped noone would have got the cash.

[Jacksmania]

"Women spend 6 hours a week doing housework" - holy sh*t!

There is no way all the work in my house would get done in only 6 hours a week. That can't be right.

[TeddyBare]

Jacksmania - perhaps their survey found that men are also doing housework therefore it isn't all being done by women in those 6 hours

[Ephiny]

6 hours a week seems a lot to me!

[Jacksmania]

Bloody hell, I hope so :)

[RhysPie]

"She has been getting messages from elsewhere - her friends, adverts on the tv 'Women spend 6 hours a week doing housework' (new Cilit Bang advert), other relatives, school. It all adds up.

Others will be along with ideas as to how to tackle it. My own dd hates housework whereas my ds loves to copy his parents."

LMAO, so it's not possible she is a born home-maker/nurturer?
Remember ladies, we evolved with very different roles and survival strategies.
We ARE different.. not better.. not worse.. just Different.
However there will also likely be times where the role is reversed, as there will always be exceptions to any general rule.

[grimbletart]

Remember ladies, we evolved with very different roles and survival strategies. We ARE different.. not better.. not worse.. just Different.

Gosh - I'd forgotten nature had given me a yellow duster gene...

[RhysPie]

^
It did, just like most woman were given the multi-task gene. Like I said, we are different, and failing to acknowledge the most simple and obvious of truths won't help your understanding of the subject either.

[crazycanuck]

RhysPie would you like to point out to us where exactly the base pairs that encode this behaviour occur on a strand of human DNA? Are you involved with the Human Genome Project and have you decided to leak a soon-to-be breaking news story about the discovery of exact specific genes that encode for these specific behaviours? I shouldn't rise to your bait, but holy frak, what a load of complete BS.

[imnotmymum]

I cannot get my head round how I could possibly get all my cleaning done in 6 hours ! My dd3 is generally more "housy" than the others 2 girls and a boy do not think it down to adverts. Would you feel differently if you had all girls and she helped them out ?

[cocolepew]

I think youre reading to much into it. My friend has a son just like this. Hes always tidying and cleaning. His sisters do FA.

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

have you tried talking to your sons op? They might do more to encourage her to do other stuff if you explained to them that allowing her to clean up after them may result in her being some body elses skivvy in 20 years time. Another thought is to give her loads of encouragement and reinforcement when she does stuff for herself and things that are less "girly"

[crazycanuck]

RhysPie Militant??? You're calling me militant because I disagree with you and ask you to point out where the proof is for your outlandish statements? A specific gene for multitasking?? Come on! I did not once say that there are no differences between boys and girls, but you may be alarmed to learn that a lot of the so-called 'evidence' for biological innate gender differences is largely biased and skewed (see Cordelia Fine's <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Delusions-Gender-Science-Behind-Differences/dp/184831163X?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Delusions of Gender for more on this). I think mayhaps you have been reading a little too much popular psychology.

[MsSlinkyTwit]

Is it me or is that man (on the youtube link) a twat?

[witchwithallthetrimmings]

is there also a gene for not knowing when to use an apostrophe?
if there were benefit's ...

[MiniTheMinx]

Crazy, you must stop being so militant very naughty, go tidy your room or something!

I hate to admit this with Rhys in ear shot but here goes anyway , I found when working with primary aged kids, on average the boys responded to instant rewards more than girls. Girls seem to prefer praise, so the obvious thing is not to praise her tidying up. You could try holding up a packet of sweets or vouchers for toys/books or some other such instant reward and say those who clean up get the rewards. So if you have 6 rewards if a couple of the boys drop out they lose the reward and it's shared with those that helped.

My mother actively banned me from helping and tidying, it worked too, I bloody hate housework last resort maybe.