Only now that I am pregnant do I realise how much – and how routinely - women are discouraged to eat!

[SkaterGrrrrl]

I am pregnant and for the first time in my life - or rather, for the first time since I was about 10, I am being encouraged to eat. Relatives press a second helping on me: ?Go on ? have some more?. Female friends/ acquaintances encourage me to order cake rather than a salad or sandwich when we meet in a cafe: ?You?re allowed to! You?re eating for two!? and colleagues offer me the biscuit tin ?Make the most of it while you can!?

It has really hit me how throughout my adult life, I have never been encouraged to eat dessert or take seconds. It?s as if , by being pregnant, a temporary loophole has opened up on the lifelong strict cultural expectation on women to eat very little. (The terrible pressure on women and girls to diet is detailed better than this in The Beauty Myth and Fat is a Feminist Issue).

I am also beginning to realise why some women put on a lot of weight during pregnancy ? a friend of mine put on 55 lbs. Because for the first time ever we are allowed to eat, guilt free, ask for seconds and not be censured.

[SkaterGrrrrl]

I suppose what makes this feminist is that men must experience life permanently from within that 'guilt free loophole'.

By way of personal anecdote, my brother is always offered seconds and thirds at big family get together and his huge appetite is talked about fondly and with a touch of pride.

[SkaterGrrrrl]

This is obviously not as big a deal as poor countries where, in famines, baby girls are left to starve and baby boys are given the last food. But I do feel a bit as if the scales have fallen from my eyes, living my whole adult life without realising that I - and all women - are being discouraged to eat as a matter of course!

[WoTmania]

I generally agree with you, but think there is a certain double standard. As a relatively slim woman who suffered from EDs in her teens my family are always pushing me to eat more (I'm a healthy 8st4/5 and 5ft2.5) and often find certain women of my aquaintance push me into eating more - usually the ones who tell me I'm 'lucky' to be slim.
Anecdotally though it seems I'm in the minority - many of my friends have experienced the same as you and then had lots of pressure to lose the weight afterwards.

[AbigailAdams]

Absolutely agree! I am not pregnant but breastfeeding (so starving all. the. time.). My Dad commented the other day that I had had more dinner than him (in a shocked way). It was only cottage pie and veg btw. Derrr. Yes. And I have still lost 15lbs since having DC2 so clearly I am not eating enough!

Women are not supposed to eat more than men. Ever. No matter what their output.

[AbigailAdams]

I think your situation WoTmania occurs because it is everyone else's business what women eat.

[AliceHurled]

Oh yes I've seen this. I've always eaten plenty anyway and conversations about denying yourself food to be 'good' haven't been a part of my world. Until now. People repeatedly tell me to make the most of it as its the one tine you can eat what you want . The midwife even praised me for having been 'good' before pregnancy when discussing my BMI. I hate the way this self denial seems to normalised.

[WoTmania]

Very true Abigail - I should remember this. I'm also BF (albeit not that often anymore since DS2 weaned and DD is 3) that worries all my family in case I'm not getting enough food, nutrients or am tiring myself out (whatever that means, I get more leep at the moment than I have since having DS1 6 years ago) .
On the energy output side I think people underestimate women's energy output - as a mother I still carry DD in a sling and am running up and down stairs so use a lot of energy, in my job prior to SAHMing I did lots of lifting and carrying of compost bags/slate/gravel etc sp would have needed more energy than someone working behind a desk.
Something I think is linked but can't work out how at the mo is in the strength thing. People are always shocked at how strong I am 'for my size' I wonder how much of that is that I was never taught I was weak physically whereas many women seem to assume they won't be able to lift stuff (or whatever example you want to use)

[ethelb]

umm, I thought this op was going to say the opposite.

I dread being pregnant and having smug git friends tell me off for eating anything 'not allowed'.

[maybenow]

i agree but this is also an example of how the patriarchy damages men too - it is very hard for a man to watch his weight without ridicule.
my dh and i are similar body types prone to overweight but sporty and keeping it almost in control (we're both about a stone over our ideal weight but not unhealthily fat) - however i find more support from society in trying to control my weight than he does.

[note, i'm not arguing that this is a good thing, it's not, it just works for me right now]

[WoTmania]

I think that men though maybenow tend to get less comment on their weight whether fat or thin or in between. They can also get away (IME) with wearing less revealing clothes. I've always been criticised for wearing baggy clothes and lots of layers where as my brothers aren't, nor are they encouraged to 'show of their figure'.

[AbigailAdams]

Why does that matter? But as I said in my post, my Dad.

[Emphaticmaybe]

Kim - I think a fair few of us understand that principle, (sticking to it is slightly harder), but well done to you and your will of iron,

[AliceHurled]

Really Kim? This really doesn't resonate with you and needs explaining? You don't see magazines, adverts, tv programmes, hear conversations. You've never been sat at the dinner table and seen the larger portions for the men come out. It's been said to me pretty much daily since being pregnant by anyone who I have any conversation with about food (which is pretty often when you're pregnant).

Funnily enough, I noticed on the Metro this morning a headline about telling pregnant women to diet. Not read it, as I don't want to sully my hands, but I guess we must be doing it wrong again.

[AliceHurled]

Ah yes the the idealism of youth. I think most girls think they'll ignore the inequality till it comes along and shits on them from a great height.

[AliceHurled]

I don't do placing things at the doors of individuals Kim. I do a bit of structural feminist analysis. So the 'who' is 'people who live in our patriarchal society'. It's culture. It's society. I don't buy into the neoliberal bullshit that we are all individuals in a vacuum and therefore locate issues with the individual.

[maybenow]

i'm with you alice, society definitely tells women to eat like birds, and men to eat 'like a man'.

it's bad for both genders in the end, as women who can eat more and stay slim enough are encouraged not to, and men who could do with cutting down are encouraged not to.

crazy f'd up word we live in

[SweetTheSting]

How do you ignore society, Kim?

[Lifeissweet]

I'm willing to bet that you don't entirely, Kim. It is almost impossible to ignore all of society's messages. You don't live in a vacuum.

I also think that, if men do get big, other men will tease them about it, but there's no judgement involved. When women are told they are overweight they hear 'you are a failure. You are greedy, you are unattractive and you are less of a woman'. Men just hear 'you need to go for a run'

[AliceHurled]

Kim are you dressed today? Did you brush your hair? Do you ever cut your hair? Did you get out of a bed? Did you drive anywhere and abide by the usual road rules? Or did you walk somewhere and adopt a pretty similar walking style to everyone else, perhaps even avoiding bumping into anyone? Have you used any language today to communicate with others? Have you eaten any food? Drunk anything? Have you looked at the time? Have you thought about the date?

Why did you do any of these things in a pretty similar way to other people? Do we all coincidentally behave in rather similar ways because the idea just sprang into our mind from the ether? Or perhaps there's a thing called society that influences us.

I also don't give much of a shit about the eating messages. That doesn't mean I can't see that they exist. Or that I am somehow separate from society.