SAHM of boys

[Whirliwig72]

I'm essentially a sahm although I run a small business but on a very pt basis. I have two small boys - the older of which (3 yrs) was overheard the other day saying 'mummies do cooking and cleaning and daddies go to work'. I'm adamant that my boys will not grow up like some men I dated before marriage - expecting their mum / wife to pick up and coddle them 24/7 but am I setting a bad example by not going out to work? The boys don't see their dad doing much domestic stuff as he works horrid hours and I'm more than happy to do the housework since I'm home more.

[Whirliwig72]

Pick up after them I mean

[IAmBooyhoo]

well i am a single SAHM of 2 boys (6 and 2). so as far as my dcs are concerned, mums do everything and dads turn up every 8 weeks or so to take you to granny's so you can play xbox "why cant we have xbox at hoooooommmmeeeee??"

i will watch this thread because i am really struggling to see how i can set a good example of what a man is or what equal parenting is without the prescence of a good man to help me. we dont have good male role models in our family.

what i do right now is talk very much about 'our' house and 'our' jobs. the dcs dont 'help' me with the dishes or hoovering, they do it as one of their own jobs that means 'we' (rather than I) have a tidy clean house. they are both responsible for recognising when stuff has run out. the toilet rolls are easy to change in my house and i encourage them to ask me for help if they can't manage something, rather than doing it for them.

[Whirliwig72]

Welcome I am - sounds like you've got some great systems there. Your future DIL'S are going to be very lucky!

[Whirliwig72]

Or SIL's of course

[pinktrees]

My DS (6) understands that I worked hard for a degree and worked hard in a job before I had him and his younger sister. He understands that some mums go to work and some stay at home and also understands some of the reasons why this might be. I think this is fine - to see a variety of set ups amongst the parents of his friends and to understand that different things work for different people. Children in his class are picked up by a variety of people - mums, dads, grandparents, (almost) grown up siblings, nannies, after school care etc etc.

[IAmBooyhoo]

thank you. at first i got very frustrated. i was expecting too much from my dc. i thought i would tell them once and they would know and then when they were forgetting things i would get annoyed and decide it was easier just for me to do it but we are about a year down the line from when i started with it and i can see the habits setting in. ds1 notices when the red light come on in the tumble dryer and can now empty the tank without even telling me he is doing it. he just does it (which i love). ds2 knows his washing goes in the basket and then in the machine. ds1 does the powder when the machine is full and will sometimes empty the clothes in to the basket without me asking. he hasn't mastered sorting what can be tumbled and what cant but he does lots of other stuff that even i as a child was never made to do (or appreciate that my mum did)

[Whirliwig72]

I think with all small children it's easy to underestimate what they can do. I didn't start chores till recently but now the 3 yr old empties and fills washing machine and cleans up any mess he makes. He's very proud when he achieves these tasks

[IAmBooyhoo]

yes the tidying your own mess is a big thing in this house too.

[TunipTheVegemal]

I am a SAHM (2 dses and 1 dd) so of course I do more housework, but at the weekends they see dh running round doing stuff as much as me - I am confident that they are not picking up the idea that loading the dishwasher or baking scones is women's work.
I'm also not afraid they will get the idea that women don't go out to work - they know about the jobs I used to do and are told that 'at the moment' my job is looking after them because they're children.
They also get taught how to do things and while it does seem a bit gendered (dd likes decorating fairy cakes with pink edible glitter and ds1 likes winding the handle on the pasta machine and pressing the button on the food processor) I will make sure they all pick up the full range of skills.

[Babylon1]

We have a very equal household here, we both work, tho DH has been SAHD for the last 3 years and looked after DDs whilst retraining as a plumber. He's now gone self employed but chooses his own hours to fit in with family stuff etc, and we have a great system involving a whiteboard!

If it needs doing, chores that is, it gets written on the whiteboard if it's not feasible to do it there and then, and we both check the whiteboard to see what needs to be done.... It works for us, neither of us feels nagged at or henpecked and though there are jobs that I can't do such as changing the bathroom taps, there are jobs that DH doesn't do, like the ironing - but that's fine and it suits us. DD1 also checks out the board from time to time and DD2 will happily do "tidy up time" with her toys if we ask her to!!

I am determined we will stay as an equal household when DC3 eventually arrives, though we're currently looking at ms returning to work as PT as possible to save on childcare - so obviously I'll be happier taking a lions share of the household chores to be done!!

[nicolebaby]

Honestly...if you want to be a positive role model for your sons why are you a sahm? All you're doing is proving women belong at home, tidying and cooking. And presumably you expect your dh to help you out in all this when he comes home, again showing little women can't cope with anything by themselves. Have some pride woman and get in the work force. Actually make a contribution to society.

[belindarose]

What nonsense, nicolebaby. How is bringing up your own children NOT making a contribution to society? It's not the only way, of course, but your comment is ridiculous.

[babylann]

Hehe there's one in every thread...

[TunipTheVegemal]

I think NicoleBaby buys into the traditional patriarchal valuation of childcare....

[Rooble]

Hah! So it is only possible to make a contribution to society by being in paid employment?! Love it.
I just explain this is a stage of life. I worked very long hours for almost twenty years and now is time to devote some time to my household. This works for our family. The contribution that everyone makes adds up to the whole. Or we could pay someone else to do it for us - it's just that we, the family, choose to do it this way

[IAmBooyhoo]

haha

aww, i do feel sorry for people that dont know any better. there is no excuse really though nicolebaby. only you can open your mind and educate yourself.

[babylann]

[IAmBooyhoo]

keep going, this is funny. (and a bit sad)

[Ambrosius]

Ugh Nicolebaby what a moronic veiw to have.

[Ambrosius]

*view

[Ambrosius]

This is fantastic !
Have a

[TunipTheVegemal]

'sweaty' isn't on the bingo card

[tabulahrasa]

'most men would prefer to continue working than sit gossiping with neighbours and colouring pictures all day.'

pfft, no they wouldn't, my DP's really jealous of my colouring in...

Whirliwig - you just tell them, when it comes up...well, some mummies do x, some don't, I work too, I look after you and I do (whatever it is you do PT) and point out the things their dad does do around the house. You just make a point about everyone in a family pitching in and it just happens to be that way round with yours.