Christmas cards addressed using my husband's first name

[HeidiHole]

My husband and I are celebrating our first Christmas as a married couple.

Neither of us have legally changed our name to the surname of the other.
I'm still Miss Heidi Hole, and he is still Mr John Smith

As it means a lot to my husband, I have agreed for our first child (due May) to have his surname Smith. I'm as tolerant as possible of people calling me Mrs Smith, and have accepted that it will happen a lot more if people know my child is Master Smith.

Likewise, my husband has been referred to as Mr Hole, after I booked something for us in my name. He can accept this too.

However here's where I get really bloody angry. We have received numerous Christmas cards this year from his family addressed to Mr & Mrs John Smith

Firstly I have not changed any legal paperwork to Smith and the ASSumption that I have ticks me off. Thats not the big issue though, the big issue is the Mrs John Smith. My first name is Heidi, and it always has been. I am friendly with all of my husband's family, they call me Heidi to my face. They've never said "Hello John" because they know that's not my name.

As explained up post, if is was just Mr & Mrs Smith i'd let it slide with just some angry muttering. But I'm going to explode if I see yet another Mrs John Smith.

I absolutely refuse to have this happen every Christmas for the next 30 years. We don't see his family much as we just moved abroad. How do I stop this? Should it be my husband who drops into conversation that my name is Heidi, not John and perhaps they shouldn't be so fucking rude in future, or should I do it? And how should I do it? I'm sure they're not being ignorant on purpose, they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being by airbrushing my name out of my life.

[LEttletownofBOFlehem]

It's not ignorance really, it's convention and rather formal etiquette, which an older generation tend to use more often than a younger one. Of course it IS a sign of a patriarchal society, but it isn't deliberate rudeness, and although you can mention it if you find it infuriating, I would do it politely. There are many many other battles to be fought, and I think this one is dying out anyway.

[JingleBelleDameSansMerci]

What BoF said...

[HeidiHole]

Yes, I agree, as I said:

they're all lovely people and I'm sure they'd be sad if they knew how offensive they were being.

I'm certain it's not malicious but how do I bring it up, or should my husband bring it up? Either way I can't stand 30 years of my name not being used! As you say, ever since women got the vote, and had jobs, and earned money etc etc this custom is dying out/has died out but I fear they wont drop it without a nudge

[LoveInASnowyClimate]

Wow, does this really bother you? I don't think I have even noticed how the cards we receive are addressed, I'm just glad to get them! It's just the conventional mode of addressing an envelope, not some effort to get at you.

[LoveInASnowyClimate]

Oh, and if someone told me how I should be addressing a card, they just wouldn't get one next year!

[roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts]

I married 12 years ago Heidi and didn't change my name. My dcs use their father's surname too.

I can just about accept that the older members of the family will insist on labelling my Christmas cards with dh's full name and just add "Mrs" for me (I have remained a Miss if people must use a label at all) but it totally infuriates me when "friends" who grew up with me, not dh, address cards to my dh with Mrs to represent me. It is SO rude and insulting, especially when they know fine I am not MRS anyone.

They think it is funny and all a bit of a laugh but it just shows me how ignorant they are and that they have totally missed the point.

I don't know the solution but I totally sympathise with your rage.

[LoveInASnowyClimate]

I really don't think either of you can bring it up without it being perceived as rude. Sorry. Depends how bothered you are about offending people you are clearly close enough to exchange cards with.

[HeidiHole]

My grandpa is from the older generation and refers to anyone not white as a "darky" he does not mean it in a racist way, it's what all his friends say, he isn't equating it with being offensive.

However times have moved on. So should we not be tolerating the word "darky" even though it's meant as a friendly comment? Of course we shouldn't! He shouldnt say it, it's offensive! He needs to drop it from his vocab.

So to everyone saying oh they dont mean it...calling you by your DH's name... it doesn't matter how they mean it, I'm being offended! Times have moved on and its no longer appropriate to call me "John" when i'm female!

[MrsClown]

Heidi, I have the same problem much of the time. I am not going to put up with it so I contact the person who sent it and ask them politely not to do it again. If they do it again then I get really p..d with them and tell them again but add if they cant stop then please dont send a card. My first name is Cheryl and I like it so please use it! Most people actually have said 'God you are right I never thought of it'. Older people have argued about it but I just say 'it may have been ok in 1920 but not now thanks'.

I also contact companies who do it and ask them to resend the letter addressed correctly!!

I know there are other battles but this one is important to me.

[EdithWeston]

I'd ignore it tbh.

It's only the vestiges of the older usage, especially if your DH is a younger son. There is no polite way to "correct" another adult's correspondence style; I do not think you should bring it up - it is unlikely to effect any change (see numerous threads about persistently misspelt names etc) and I agree with leBOF.

Also, as someone who never changed name, I'm untroubled by those who make me Mrs DH in social correspondence (anything legal or work related would be a different matter), even if they make it Mrs Hisname DH - I see it as quaint and faintly risible, and totally unrelated to my own sense of identity.

[HeidiHole]

loveinasnowyclimate yes i'd much rather not get a card (think theyre a waste of money for people you are in touch with all year anyway) then have one from family that called me John!

I just feel that i've lost my identity becuase I got married, but my husband hasn't. My husband and I are equal in my eyes, I hate being downgraded to Mrs John

[LEttletownofBOFlehem]

I wouldn't put it on a par with a racist slur either: I'm sure Debrett's didn't advocate calling anybody 'darkie' in formal correspondence

[IEatThePannenkoeken]

That is positively archaic. I really don?t think that it?s ?just the conventional way of addressing an envelope? ? Mrs John Smith? If they were very elderly I might forgive them, otherwise they need to step into the 21st century.

[HeidiHole]

MIL is 59 so not really 'elderly' and her own daughter kept her maiden name when she got married so this isn't a new thing for her!

[guinealady]

I didn't know anyone who still used the 'Mrs John' form of address any more - the last time I can remember someone insisting on it was my great-aunt in the 1980's after my great-uncle had died, she got very upset when we addressed letters to her personally - understandable in the circumstances as she was grieving, and having his name still on the letters must have been a comfort to her.

I am not changing my name when I get married next year (tho' not everyone knows that yet), but have had a lot of cards addressed to 'Mr and soon-to-be Mrs Smith' - all from OH's friends.

Either I assume intended as a well-meant joke, in which case it's fine, or they hadn't bothered to check my surname, in which case it's not!

[HazleNutt]

It bothers me as well, even though yes, there are more important things in the world

My bank, after we mentioned getting married quickly changed the "Hazle Nutt and John Jones" joint account to "Mr and Mrs John Jones." I didn't change my last name and certainly not my first. I do not have any ID that identifies me as Mrs John Jones. My ID says that I'm Hazle Nutt. Still ok?

It's different, you say? But if you agree that I am not in fact Mrs John Jones, why would you address cards and letters to me like this? Especially if you are close enough to send me a card - surely you are close enough to know what my name is?

[WombOnTheBroom]

Hi Heidi - this happens to me a bit and I have to confess it is annoying but probably not the biggest battle to fight (that's persuading FIL that I am not here to f serve him or his kind). I also don't mind being called Mrs Smith by people who don't know I've not taken my DH's name as a lot of women still do, so it's a reasonable assumption if they know his name/our DCs' name.

Even more irritatingly, though, at our wedding the bloody registrar got it wrong. She introduced DH and me to the room as Mr and Mrs Smith. I corrected her that actually we were still Dr Smith and Ms Broom (DH worked bloody hard for that PhD). Cue (nice) laughter from our assembled friends and family.

[IEatThePannenkoeken]

I think it's OK to mention it if it bothers you. You don't have to be really confrontational. You could just mention that it is a bit old-fashioned. That's fair enough.

Though, if it's your DH's family, maybe he could drop a few hints?

[thunderboltsandlightning]

Bring it up. In the summer when offense is less likely to be taken.

It's a bit hard to believe that this is just because it's an older generation. The sixties happened forty years ago. Given that you havne't taken your dh's name, they may have an opinion about it. This seems to be more about people determined to make a point.

You could address all your cards to them as Mrs and Mr Hername Lastname, next year if they don't take it on board.

[guinealady]

At our meeting with the registrar she asked whether we wanted to be introduced as John and Mary or Mr and Mrs Smith, so we were able to confirm we wanted John and Mary.

My mum, who is VERY feminist in most ways, is a bit sniffy about women who don't change their names - it was certainly a cause of some frostiness between her and SiL. However, I've told her in no uncertain terms my name is not changing and I hope she accepts it.

PiLs don't know yet, as far as I know, but our baby due next year will have OH's name so I hope they'll be happy with that. I'm not going to double-barrel or anything like that, the surnames just don't go together!

[rosy71]

Technically speaking, Mr and Mrs John Smith is the correct way to address a letter. It means Mr John Smith and his wife, which is what you are. Obviously it is both sexist and old-fashioned and relegates you to the status of "wife rather than a person with a name, but it's what older people tend to use. They don't really think your name is John!

Having said that, I do dislike it myself. We are not even married, yet received a wedding invitation from some friends addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname Hissurname!! I found that quite rude really as surely they know we're not married!

I wouldn't stress too much about it from older relatives. I do think it's dying out as a practice.

[vixsatis]

I think people who did change their surname can't complain about this: adopting one's husband's name indicates that one accepts being identified by reference to him. It is correct protocol in these circs to use husband's initial. To use one's own indicates that one is divorced.

You, however, did NOT make that change and people should accept that you are Ms. Hole. I'm in the same boat. I don't get too bothered when people who don't really know me call me Mrs. Husbandsname or when my son's friends do; but there are people who know full well that I didn't change my name and still do it. Like my MIL Grrr.

I also get irritated when coming through immigration with my son and get questioned about our relationship simply because we have different surnames. Or worse, when the post office would not allow me to collect a parcel addressed to him at the same address on the basis of my ID because we had different names. They made me go and get his passport. They admitted that if my husband had collected the parcel that would have been fine because they have the same name.

[IEatThePannenkoeken]

'correct protocol in these circs to use husband's initial' erm, we're talking about Christmas cards from close family members...

If everyone accepts that it's out of date and dying out, how can it still be considered correct? That doesn't make sense.

OP I thought your relatives were going to be in their 90s not 59!

[MrsClown]

Vixsatis, just because I have my husbands surname doesnt mean I should just be referenced to him. I still have my first name. My maiden name was actually my father's surname. I chose my husband. Why didnt you give your son your surname.

[RillaBlythe]

I didn't read the thread because this topic gets me so hopping mad I had to get my rant in.

I am Rilla Blythe & my husband is Dr Ken Ford. My husband's family KNOW that I have kept my own name, yet still send cards to Dr & Mrs K Ford. IT INFURIATES ME. This is his aunts & his grandmother. His mother did the same until I corrected her, & now she addresses cards to Dr Ken Ford & Rilla Blythe (I think she struggles with the fact that I am a Ms). The rest merrily ignore my stated preference.