Argument with my brother

[nativityneepsntinseltatties]

Hello, I am more of a lurker here than a poster but feel the need to talk about something that happened with people who I think will get it,

I posted this link on facebook m.jezebel.com/5866602/can-you-tell-the-difference-between-a-mens-magazine-and-a-rapist

My brother posted that it was no big deal, there are more important things to worry about etc, I responded that it was extremely important to tackle rape culture and that as a father to a little girl it should be important to him too. He came back saying it's just a magazine etc. I posted some links to stuff about rape culture but he hasn't responded.

I feel really not nice about it. I have experienced sexual violence, he doesn't know this. I know people think the way does and I find that hard but I am finding it harder coming from him.

Anyway just needed to share this with someone.

[jasper]

That would upset me too if my brother was dismissive like that.

[stuffedauberginexmasdinner]

He's projecting his guilt onto you. Shifts in societal attitudes take time. No one likes to admit they are wrong at the time but can later divulge being ashamed of themselves.

[DontCallMeFrothyDragon]

Some people don't understand the psychology behind words, which is probably why he can't understand why this is an issue. But loving the typical anti-feminist response; "There's bigger issues".... I'm not so sure there are. We live in a rape culture, and it's being excused by magazines using language used by rapists.

Siblings do have a tendency to be extremely insensitive. My sister in law recently posted a picture of a woman being assaulted, which came with a poem underneath. This was two days after I told her my therapist suspects I have PTSD from an abusive relationship. After arguing against it, saying such graphic images were more likely to be damaging to abuse victims and survivors, my brother replied with "Well, I thought it was touching"... His best friend also, very kindly, took to telling me that graphic photos were a good thing, because they get people talking, and that I should basically shut up and agree with him...

[nativityneepsntinseltatties]

Thanks. I think it's hard because it is so close to home. I know he doesn't get it. I also know he uses porn as his wife told me as she was upset. So he really doesn't get it. I just find the whole thing depressing.

[thunderboltsandlightning]

If he uses pornography he's basically just defending his own interests.

Sorry it's upset you.

[HazleNutt]

there are always bigger issues to worry about. Does not mean we have to/can ignore the rest.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I think sometime family members forget you might have knowledge or experiences that give you more insight than they have! I could have written the same sort of OP about my brother. He tends to assume that, unless we're talking about something specifically to do with what I do or with something I knew a lot about as a child, if he has an interest in something he must know more about it than me. Because he forgets I might have learned something independently. Recently his knee-jerk reaction to something I said was 'oh, no, you can't say women get more prejudice than transsexuals, transsexuals face a heck of a lot of prejudice'. Now as it happens, hadn't said it anyway, but it immediately struck both me and his partner that he was setting himself up as an authority despite being neither a woman nor transsexual. Because I am his sister, and he knows best.

Even men who come across as nice can be perfectly capable of automatic sexism - your brother's response shows he didn't ever stop to consider whether or not he had more authority than you on this subject, he just assumed he knew what was 'more important' and you didn't.

How can he do that and still dismiss sexism? (Not having a go at your brother specifically but it's the same thought process I've seen and it is inherently patronizing).

[Dozer]

Think some men who like those mags / porn that they don't want to admit there's anything wrong with it, so lash out at or ridicule people talking about it.

[ElfenorRathbone]

I don't think it's just a sibling thing LRD - I think it's a man thing.

Men are trained to think that they automatically are more entitled to say what's important, than women are. So unless a woman has a specific, quanitifiable expertise in something that he doesn't, most men will kneejerk assume that they know better than you do, about anything except the thing they know you have an expertise in (and even then, with some of 'em, it's touch and go on that one )

OP it is extremely upsetting when people close to you like that, dismiss your opinion as being worthless, whether it's your brother or your close friend. It is less upsetting, when you can analyse the reasons why they might be doing that. Hanging about feminist chatboards etc, this stuff is discussed all the time and after a bit, you recognise what's happening and it kind of armours you against it.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I'm sure it's not just a sibling thing.

It's just you react differently to this stuff from family I think - we talk a lot on here about parents but maybe less about siblings? And you're right - it's upsetting when it's people close to you.

[SlinkingOutsideInSocks]

There are 'more important things to worry about' because rape is something which just doesn't touch his life in the slightest. Does not impact on him at all. Further, rape is something which just doesn't touch the lives of women he knows.

Drunk, leery ladette girls get raped. Girls who go out in short skirts and try to pull get raped. Girls who walk alone in dark streets get raped. He doesn't know any girls like this.

It simply does not occur to him that rape happens to regular women, women like his sister. That there's as much (more?) chance of his daughter one day being sexually assaulted than not. Just doesn't enter his head.

[ElfenorRathbone]

Agreed Slinking.

Years ago in the middle of a row about rape, when I pointed out that anyone could get raped and I could be a rape victim for all he knew (I was but didn't want to mention it just at that moment), this guy said to me: "you're not anything like a rape victim"

I shit you not.

[nativityneepsntinseltatties]

Thanks for the support. I think I felt weird because I felt exposed. It's easier to take a stand with people you are not close too. Actually I am not that close to this brother compared to the other 2 I have, they know what happened to me for example. This brother has had a lot of problems with drugs do he is more distant from us.

I find it overwhelming to think about how much of this crap is out there. When it comes from my own brother I really can't ignore it.

Thanks for the great list Stewie! Would be great to add you too!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Sorry to hear about what it's like with your brother. But I'm hoping you feel better for talking. There is a lot of crap out there!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

ER - that is awful. Just chilling.

I notice more and more how a lot of what annoys me most is men insisting they can tell us what we are and put labels on us.

[ElfenorRathbone]

Yes I was absolutely gobsmacked. Because of course, the implication was that rape victims were a certain type of women, and I'm guessing it wasn't going to be a positive type.

So that's one reason why it simply never occurs to men like the OP's brother, that his sister/ mother/ daughter/ cousin/ friend may well be the victim of rape or sexual assault. Because she doesn't fit the "type" they've got in their head.

[JuliaScurr]

Good to see 'there are more important things to worry about' making an (un)welcome return, there! It's funny how there are always more important things according to people who never found them at all important before.