Rape fantasy

(71 Posts)
iMemoo Sun 17-Jul-11 12:34:58

I nearly name changed for this but decided not to be brave (grin)

Reading other threads on here got me wondering about this. Is it really true that quite a lot of woman sexually fantasise about being raped and if so why do they?

Being totally truthful (and this is why I nearly name changed) I have fantasised about being raped, and Dh often takes a very dominant role in the bedroom. But of course I don't really want to be raped nor do I want to be dominated by my husband. In fact in my marriage I am probably the more dominant.

I feel ashamed of my rape fantasies. In real life I find the idea abhorrent. I also feel like I am betraying every woman who has been raped and that I'm somehow belittling their feelings.

I'm really struggling to reconcile my sexual fantasies with my real life beliefs.

LittleKnownPoet Tue 19-Jul-11 04:08:59

Hi OP, I'm just like you. I love DH to be dominant in the bedroom. I had rape fantasies all through my teen years. Although it was more like, some handsome stranger, rips off my clothes and I end up loving it blush.
In real life however, I am the dominant one. I am an opinionated, aggressive, crusading feminist!
I'd say fantasies are just that-fantasies. Its great to enact them with someone you trust. There is no need to feel guilty about it at all. Its very common.
I don't think its rape that we fantasise about, just giving up control to someone attractive, who we know at the back of our minds will not hurt us.

uninspired Tue 19-Jul-11 04:22:37

"giving up control to someone attractive, who we know at the back of our minds will not hurt us" is how I would choose to see it. Very different someone carrying out a brutal non-consensual act.

I read an interestic book by Brett Kahr which I found fascinating, although not exactly comforting unless you are extremely confident (I can't fully explain that, but it's a jealousy thing, wanting my lover to be only thinking of and wanting me during sex ... but that's another topic about mental infidelity, which is discussed in this book) He takes on a deep psychological investigation into the individual roots of sexual fantasies, believing them to have personal causes, e.g. pathalogical origins in childhood traumas, reinventing pain as pleasure for example. It's well worth reading. It's called
Who's been sleeping in your head:The secret world of sexual fantasies"

Well actually plenty of men do fantasize about being 'raped'. I have read and edited a lot of readers' letters and erotic fiction written by men about powerful women 'taking' them.
And there is something in the theory of women's rape fantasies being about enjoying guilt-free sex because it's done 'to' them. I wonder how much the percentage of women who fantasize in this way has changed over the past 40 years or so.

Mind you, the thing with fantasies is to accept them, own them and not worry about them. The inside of your head is a safe place, and there is nothing wrong with imagining stuff as long as you don't do things to other people that they don't want you to do. Trying to repress your own fantasies or being horrified and ashamed of them tends to make you miserable to no purpose.

Pendeen Fri 22-Jul-11 15:31:01

I don't think Stephanie Meyer stumbmed on (i.e. 'invented') anything, she probably watched too many Hammer horror films.

The "powerless in the steely gaze of the dominating man / vampire" concept has been around for well over a hundred years of popular fiction and film. The 'industry' has always been there and very successful too.

Blethermouse Fri 22-Jul-11 23:49:23

My own feeling on this is that I think its fine to think any fantasies in your head but I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing that rape/ravish fantasy with a male sexual partner who could take those experiences on into other relationships/ area of his life.

Horrorshow Sun 13-Oct-13 01:20:03

Apologies for resurrecting a dead thread, I came here to get some insight into this particular subject and feel I can shed some light on it potentially.

I know that for some women the idea of being raped or sexually assaulted is tied into the idea that the person carrying out the assault is motivated by his/her inability to resist the victim. The idea being that the victim is literally SO sexually attractive that the attacker cannot resist and 'must have them now'. To my mind that speaks of a 'kind' of empowerment and feeling sexually attractive.

What people want to fantasize about in their own heads it totally up to them and I think if someone is fantasicing about a situation where they are dominated then of course it is concensual as it is happening in their head.

The idea that the 'victim' in the scenario has a power because the other person can't stop themselves is I think a very sad lie which may well be used in real life to attempt to excuse rape.

garlicvampire Sun 13-Oct-13 13:59:58

Always a good topic; don't apologise! I agree the fantasy's all about 'uncontrollable desire' for you, which is nothing to do with real rape ... and also that it has deep roots in social conditioning. Even today, women are still 'supposed' to be sexual gatekeepers - our choice to 'allow' sex is meant to be a calm, deliberate decision, unlike men who are 'supposed' to be frantic to stick their wick at any opportunity. Throughout all of history, obviously, it was actually wrong for a woman to want sex. So, if a woman feels like sex, she needs to be relieved of the tremendous responsibility attached to it. Hence fantasies of being 'ravished' outside her control, but by a lover and in a way that she enjoys.

Not surprising that a woman in a sexually moribund relationship would have these fantasies: she's acknowledging her desire, and imagining being wanted more urgently than she is in real life.

About this time last year, I experimented with a fantasy in which I 'rape' a younger man. It's good grin

PenguinsDontEatPancakes Sun 13-Oct-13 20:46:11

Ok, I know that this is an old thread. But someone on here (I think) made a point a while back that I think is relevant.

There is no such thing as a rape fantasy.

Imagining a rape would mean imaging being attacked (by a stranger, or a trusted partner, or whoever) in a situation where you did not consent, are terrified, possibly in great physical pain....

The point of a 'rape' fantasy might be being swept away, or ravaged. But you are enjoying it. You want it to be happening. Even if the man has simply picked you up and carried you from the bar to a darkened alley, in your own mind you are consenting. You aren't fantasising about rape. It is something else entirely.

YoniMatopoeia Mon 14-Oct-13 22:54:26

Yy to some element of it being about 'good girls don't want sex'. So the ravishing/rape fantasy absolves you of that guilt.

coldwinter Mon 14-Oct-13 23:04:55

Yes there is no such thing as a rape fantasy, I agree.

But I think the fantasy of being ravaged, is common. And I think it comes from patriarchy. Patriarchy socialises us to see sex aka PIV, as men dominating women. We are sold this idea everywhere - films, books, TV.

Fantasising about being ravaged is simply a way of eroticising inequality and oppression. And we are taught to eroticise that. It is a very clever way to get us to accept the inequality and oppression as "natural".

garlicvampire Tue 15-Oct-13 01:00:50

simply a way of eroticising inequality and oppression. And we are taught to eroticise that.

Ever tried explaining to a 50Shades fan, why it's wrong?
Crappy writing aside, you're the unstoppable force getting battered on an immovable object!

... I like my revised fantasies grin You should try it!

BerstieSpotts Tue 15-Oct-13 09:38:39

I think as well that it's more acceptable for a woman to admit she has a "rape fantasy" because she's not fantasising about doing anything. If a man said he had a rape fantasy, he would quite rightly be castigated as a potential rapist.

A woman who has a rape fantasy can't go out and invite someone to rape her, because rape doesn't work like that.

A man who has a rape fantasy can quite easily go out and rape someone. Rape works exactly like that.

coldwinter Tue 15-Oct-13 09:41:14

Garlic - Many people reject feminist arguments, it doesn't mean they aren't worth making. Fantasise about what you want, but don't pretend they aren't influenced by patriarchy.

garlicvampire Tue 15-Oct-13 17:16:09

Eh, cold? confused

garlicvampire Tue 15-Oct-13 17:18:33

Berstie - I've been slapped down for relaying this before, but a police expert told me that men who have intense rape fantasies almost always go on to commit sex crimes. As a red flag, it's right up there with "I don't want you think I'm a rapist or anything."

garlicvampire Tue 15-Oct-13 17:20:25

... indirect connection: this is why they take collections of illegal pictures very seriously.

coldwinter Tue 15-Oct-13 17:21:32

Have I misunderstood you garlic?

garlicvampire Tue 15-Oct-13 17:24:13

Quite possibly grin

Anniegetyourgun Tue 15-Oct-13 17:44:41

I did try commenting adversely on Fifty Shades to a fan recently. I said IMO Mr Gray sounds like a dick. She said "Are you mad?" (Actually, I think he sounds really ghastly, but if I said that her jaw might have dropped off.)

coldwinter Tue 15-Oct-13 17:46:44

He sounds a total abuser

BerstieSpotts Tue 15-Oct-13 18:08:08

How to put this without sounding totally perverted and weird blush

If you've ever had a particular fantasy or taste for something sexual, and you can't act it out at that particular time, perhaps because you don't have a likeminded partner for example, it can become quite enthralling and obsessive. You will keep coming back to the same subject and feel fascinated by it. There is some kind of drive, a curiosity that is never satisfied until you do it (and then you want to do it again). Sexuality is weird, people have fetishes for all sorts of bizarre things.

If this fantasy is in the realm of "totally impossible" then usually it isn't an issue, because you know that there's no way it would ever happen.

If it's in the realm of "fairly tame" or "unusual but possible to find a willing partner" then, eventually, you find some way of satisfying this desire and all is good.

If it's in the realm of "harmful to others" then I would imagine the knowledge that it's possible would eat away at you. Knowing that you could but you shouldn't. I think it is sadly inevitable that anybody with a sexual preference for something which is harmful to others will end up acting it out at some point, whether they justify it to themselves with some kind of twisted logic or they pretend it doesn't matter or they try to cover up the evidence sad and some (most?) are psychopaths and don't care.

It's horrible. I'm not saying BTW that rapists/murderers/paedophiles etc get a free pass, not at all. It's still ALWAYS a choice to act on a fantasy. It just makes me wonder what the hell is screwed up in our brains that a fantasy can take over someone to such an extent that they justify hurting someone for the sake of a sexual impulse.

Or maybe a psychopathic personality is more likely to develop this kind of fantasy, who knows?! Partner rape isn't usually an isolated thing, is it - there will be other forms of abuse and/or control in a relationship. Although that's not rape based on a fantasy but more about a form of power. Total stream of consciousness there, sorry blush

grimbletart Tue 15-Oct-13 19:45:18

Am I unusual in feeling uncomfortable about this thread? Yes, it's fantasy. Yes it's not real. But it sure as hell feeds into the idea of some misguided men and women that "no" really means "yes".

Or maybe I am just baffled because I don't/haven't had rape fantasies. I find the idea of dominant men the ultimate turn-off (also dominant women in case anyone thinks I like them any better) grin

BerstieSpotts Tue 15-Oct-13 19:51:25

I don't think so grim, because I think the thread has pretty much denounced any ideas that a so-called "rape fantasy" actually relates to the real life concept of rape, from the victim's side anyway.

Many other places which claim it's common or where I've seen discussions about it before are far less clear on this, which I agree is worrying/problematic.

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