"a boy to carry on the name!"

(19 Posts)
iskra Wed 29-Jun-11 15:35:55

We have DD, age 3, and are pregnant with another girl. Dp's family have already made several references to us needing to have number three so there is a boy in the family. I feel very angry & defensive on my daughters' behalf about this. I'm amazed that people would still say this sort of thing. & fwiw, my dad has three children all of whom have their mother's surname, so what has it got to do with anything?!

Have other mums of daughters experiences this? Any good responses? Being older & politer than I once was, I didn't start frothing at the mouth & ranting...

WoTmania Wed 29-Jun-11 16:26:27

I don't have any experience of this but really resented that when I was pg with DD everyone assumed we'd only 'kept going' in order to try for a girl. I didn't want girls and got to the point where I would say 'oh yes, because DS2 was such a dissappointment being a boy and all'. Morons. You have my sympathy.

Blu Wed 29-Jun-11 16:33:15

very very irritating and dim.

Just say 'I'm sure the girls will pass their name on to thier own children somehow - that's what happens these days'

or

"but a boy might be gay anyway, and have no children"

or

"actually that isnt something we have considered as a priority in planning our children"

But then if your DD's had YOUR surname there would be no percieved advantage in you having a boy anyway wink

iskra Wed 29-Jun-11 16:41:24

Ah Blu, you touch on a sore point! I wanted the children to have my surname but I lost that fight... I think that's why the remarks wind me up so much.

A bloke in a shop prayed for me to have a son the other week. That really got to me too!

QueenOfFeckingEverything Wed 29-Jun-11 16:42:43

Oh yes that must be annoying.

FWIW DS (10m) has my surname anyway, and I myself have my mother's surname (my parents were never married).

DD has her useless excuse for a father's name, which I really regret, and DP fully supported me in giving DS my name. We used DP's surname (minus an S) as a middle name.

Blu Wed 29-Jun-11 16:45:28

oooh, I can see why it winds you up so much.
But also why your dp would have put up such a fight, since the ILs make it such a big issue.

My DS has both our names - but the ILs NEVER use my part of his surname when they send him a card. IT'S HIS NAME YOU TWATS - ADDRESS HIM BY HIS REAL NAME.

Sorry - sharing your frustration!

They won't change - just let it wash over you.

LilBB Wed 29-Jun-11 18:02:03

I have DD and pregnant again. I'm secretly hoping for another girl although I don't mind if we have a boy. ILs keep going on about having a boy. Although she also goes on about how when they were expecting DH they didn't mind what they had (already had a girl) but when he was born they just couldn't believe it. They were just so happy it was a boy. Obviously your life is incomplete if you don't get both sexes.

alexpolismum Wed 29-Jun-11 19:48:23

Then if you have one girl and one boy and get pregnant with number 3 people will ask you "Why are you having another one? You've already got one of each!"

Some people just seem to say stupid things.

Mind you, my PIL were so pleased when ds1 was born (he's my eldest), as he would carry on the family! I asked "What about your other grandson, SIL's ds?" "That's different - he's carrying on his father's family!"

ib Wed 29-Jun-11 19:53:42

Tell them that as your dds have your dh's name any dss will have yours....wink

Or give them a surname which is a mesh of yours and your dh's (what we did)

GunsAndRoses Wed 16-Jan-13 11:37:41

A pal of mine come from a family line who have used the same christian name and the same surname for generations. He was a bit uncomfortable after his dad died and he was looking at a the family grave stone that repeated his name five times!

abitcoldupnorth Wed 16-Jan-13 11:58:56

oh yes, had this from older members of DH's family when pregnant with no. 3. 'Hope it's a boy this time!'

Well, actually, I hope it's healthy, you twats. And anyway it's too late what you hope, he/she is in there.

Had a third gorgeous daughter.You see, it takes real skill to have a matching set grin

How about 'is the name going to disappear just because you don't have a boy?'

I doubt any surnames we are looking at here are going to be extinct soon! This is just ridiculousness anyway. All children carries 1/2 of their genetic material from each parent. They are carry on both sides of the family so to speak.

KRITIQ Wed 16-Jan-13 12:11:37

I find that even relatively "enlightened" folks sometimes resort to very conservative (and often sexist) traditions when it comes to things like hatchings, matchings and despatchings. I have no idea why though - perhaps because these tend to be more "universal" events and there is greater pressure all around to conform to certain practices. Sometimes, I've been quite shocked with things friends or colleagues will say related to these "traditions," and when I say I've been surprised to hear them say these things, they sometimes look puzzled and confused, like they aren't sure why they've said them themselves! smile

Interestingly, I remember when I was about 5 or 6, we got one of those long case clocks, which I found fascinating. I said something to my mum like, "when you die, can I have that clock?" Her friend who was visiting said, "No, it will have to go to your brother so it can stay in the "Tiq" family." I replied, "Well, I won't change my name if I can have the clock!" smile

Incidentally, never did change my name, but my taste in furnishings improved as I got older and decided I didn't want it after all. My niece has it now!

Kendodd Wed 16-Jan-13 13:09:33

All this carry on the family name business is just nonsense. A girl can carry it on just as easily (and I wish more would, they just need to keep their own names).

I had a two friends , both with two boys. Friend A, desperate for a girl, and friend B, didn't mind either way. Friend A, didn't even believe friend B, didn't secretly want a girl (they both had girls). Friend A was later telling me how she saw a family in town with three boys in tow and felt so sad for them.

AmandaPayne Wed 16-Jan-13 13:41:08

I have two daughters. I couldn't give a toss what surname they choose to have in future. What name they pass on to their children (although I will confess I'd rather like at least one to have kids so I can be a grandma one day far in the future!). I find the obsession with surnames a bit odd TBH. They are still your family.

I changed my name on marriage. We wanted both of us and any future children to share a name (which I realise sounds slightly odd since I don't mind what name they choose to use when the are older). I took DH's name because it was easiest and I was not that bothered. I never felt attached to my maiden name particularly. If I'd have felt creative maybe we could have meshed something or come up with a new family name, but DHs name was fine with me.

I kept my maiden name because that's the easiest option. Never understood why it isn't tbh. It's the option of do nothing isn't it?

But I'm quite attached to my name anyway grin

My FIL did this when we had DD. SIL already had a little boy who had a different surname to FIL, so FIL told us we'd have to try to get a boy next time to carry on his name. And then was over the moon when we did go on to have a boy next. Never mind that a) FIL is one of about 7 siblings and so there are hundreds of FILS-Surnames around and b) SIL is now in the process of changing her sons name to hers so that just goes to show him how convention isn't neccessarily the norm these days. Of course he finds it odd that SIL wants to do this... hmm

feministefatale Wed 16-Jan-13 15:07:14

Just say "actually we weren't consulted about the gender, and I don't imagine we would be for a third hmm"

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