First baby for a feminist, expecting a boy: where do I start??

[dizzy77]

So pleased to find this space on MN! Presumably I am not the first expectant feminist mum to ask this, but I've had little experience of small boys as I grew up with sisters and went to girls schools.

Grappling to articulate this properly, but would love some kind of primer in bringing up a boy to respect women and avoid reinforcing stereotypes so far as I can... and this talk topic feels like the right place to ask for what I have in mind. Any advice and/or recommended reading?

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

Congratulations!

First things first: try and gently dissuade well-wishers from buying everything in blue!!

[stripeywoollenhat]

congratulations! i am 9 weeks pregnant with 2nd, so no idea if it'll be a boy this time, but will be watching this thread to piggy back on advice if the need arises (hope you don't mind)... i find myself actively worrying about how to counter the terrible messages society gives to boys, even though it may not be the case that i will have to worry about it. (i worry about countering the messages society gives to dd as well, but at least i am familiar with those messages)

[SybilBeddows]

I dunno, my 4yo said 'I want to smash the patriarchy' yesterday. But only because he doesn't know what it means and likes breaking things

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

SB

[SybilBeddows]

congratulations btw!

[NeverKissPigs]

Congratulations. I'm expecting a boy too. I'll do the same with him as I did with dd. I'll raise him to be a well rounded little person who has the opportunity to be the person he is meant to be.

And I won't stand for all the crap that is pedalled about 'boys are like dogs, boys are rough, boys bugger off once they're married' etc any more than I will allow dd to hear that she is weak or a princess.

[Selks]

Don't over-think the boy thing. They are an individual human being first and foremost...you will love them for the baby / child / teen that they become. Just feel your way with it and enjoy your lovely son.
I had a son first then a daughter, and I must admit when my son was born I did worry a bit about 'how would I relate to a boy child/ boy teen etc' but it was no harder than relating to my daughter. He was (and still is) a lovely boy and easy to relate to and enjoy. We can't make assumptions about our children based on their gender (not meaning that you are, but I did at first). Each child is different.
In respect of the counteracting stereotypes thing - there are no rules to this that a book could teach you. Just offer a wide variety of opportunities for play, learning and socialising as they grow up, be yourself and your children will absorb your value base via osmosis and by you being a role model. No need to make a big deal out of it - in fact making a big deal out of it just gives kids something to rebel against!

[Spatz]

My DS was after DD, but tried to bring both up the same way. I also have no brothers so it was an eye-opener. I feel I understand men a little better now.

When 3 and asked whether he was the boss DS replied "I can't be a boss, I'm not a girl"

Sorry, not helpful and congratulations

[timetosmile]

love, love and more love!!! I hope he's a lovely little chap and brings a lot of love into your life.
Little ones copy their parent(s)' behaviour, or that of the adults they spend a significant amount of time with. If he sees you and/or your partner being kind, generous, non judgemental, equitable and explaining why you think certain things are right or wrong etc then that's the way he will go (disclaimer...not between the ages of 18mnths and 4 though!)
Oh, and Steve Biddulph's 'Raising Boys' is great! as is the Mums and Sons chapter in Christopher Green's 'Babies!'
All the best with motherhood!

[blackcurrants]

Congratulations! I have a 9 month old DS and... erm... not got to deal with lots of gender - related stuff coming from HIM yet. Be prepared to hear him gendered by everyone you meet, though. My mother already says "isn't he strong? Isn't he big? He's such a boy!" - and while he IS strong and he is pretty huge, it's only the penis that makes him male, and that part's relatively tiny.... DM doesn't laugh when I say things like that. Oh well!

I have been recommended the book "Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of boys" which is sitting on my desk, staring at me. We could have a thread about it in the book club section if you want to read along and discuss with me?

Disclaimer: I've no idea how that works - we could propose it to the regular book club, or just start our own thread inviting others to come read and discuss with us from Xstart date...

[suzikettles]

Treat your baby/child as an individual with individual strengths/weaknesses/likes/dislikes.

Recognise that gender is in many ways a social construct and that it is ok for individuals to not conform to that construct, whether is's a little boy pushing a pink buggy; or a little girl refusing to wear a pretty dress to a party; or a little boy wanting his nails painted; or a little girl being loud and "unladylike" , or a little boy crying and not "being a man"

Challenge your ds when he parrots things like "x is only for boys" and "y is only for girls". Particularly where "only for girls" is seen by society as of less value - Interestingly, "only for girls" ime can be very very attractive to little boys, cf pink and glittery.

It's only a start, but I think it helps to stop the opposite sex being seen as "other".

[HazedandConfused]

Mm I saw just the first bit of your message title and thought it was going to be about how to adjust to being a mother without losing all your equality etc... I just read "Wifework" recently which has really made me think about all that (though I am VERY far from having any answers) - that would have made for an interesting thread!

But then thinking more about it, I suppose the two things are very much related, because he will learn from what he sees you do (or not do) around the house, with him, etc as much as from anything you try to teach him about respecting women and so on.

Am going to come back later and read this thread properly when not meant to be working, as it is all very interesting!

[suzikettles]

Oh and probably most importantly, be a good model in your life and relationships.

You can talk the talk, but if your actions, or your dp's actions, do otherwise, that will be what your ds learns is right.

[BonzoDooDah]

Sticking my nose in to see what others are saying. A very interesting thing to ask. I've found my boy (21 months) is already showing a preference to cars and trucks and the like that my dd never showed. I hoped I'd parented them the same but the nursery influence is something I cannot control (though it is a very good nursery).
I'd say just raise him as a person and the rest will come. Being a feminist isn't about being man hating afterall - it's about wanting equality - and that means equality for him as well as for a girl child.

I'm going to look up that Raising Cain book - sounds interesting.

[suzikettles]

xpost with Hazed - absolutely agree!

And you'll be doing his future partners a favour (well, actually making it more likely he'll get a partner as well as be able to look after himself).

[SarkyLady]

at someone recommending Steve biddulph's sexist twaddle on this section!

[sunshineatlast]

Sarkylady totally agree Steve Biddulphs book is DIRE. It made me feel very very angry indeed.

I have a constant battle with dh on this issue as we have 2 boys and he is determined that they are proper "boys". Love it when they go against his wishes, like the time dh wanted a fifi and the flowertots bike

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

There have been a lot of threads about bringing up boys/girls to resist gender stereotypes and fulfill their potential without social constructs hemming them in. As mum of a young toddler, I'm very interested in all this.

I think it would be a good idea to have a book-club focusing on the issues relating to feminism and raising children, as it won't necessarily hold the same appeal for those without kids or those with grown-up kids.

blackcurrents, how about starting a thread suggesting it - both here and in the Feminist Book Clubs section and see how much interest there is?

Apologies for the hijack, OP, but I suspect you'd be interested in this too...

[wheredidyoulastseeit]

My daughter had a train set and lego, my son got a doll a toy kitchen etc. as well as loads of other toys, they soon swapped.

[dizzy77]

Overwhelmed by the love, support and congratulations already: thank you so much! To those posters re: counteracting others "gendering" him: this has already started "won't your dad be pleased to have someone to kick a ball around with" etc! So agree it will be some time before we start getting gender issues direct from DS I like the strategies for answering these!

Hazed I do have these thoughts as DH and I have been pretty equal in terms of our contributions to our shared life until now. Since embarking on mat leave I'm feeling I need to "up my domestic contribution" now the money has started to tail off. Which isn't really on if it means I'm letting him off and making a rod for my own back. Interested in the idea of sharing parental leave and have raised this with him to consider, he is having lots of the same arguments with himself I had 8 months ago (eg how do I train someone else to cover, what will my boss think if I ask for time off, how will it affect my career). He has said ideally he'd like it if we can both reduce our work outside the home to have time with LO, I am working on reinforcing this but we're taking our time as focus on arrival it will be interesting how we can get through the biologically unequal but (I do hope to bf) over the first few months.

Really interested in all the suggestions and up for the idea of bookclub blackcurrants - I'll try if you will...?

[yousankmybattleship]

Sorry, I haven't had time to read all the other messages but you'll be fine and will make a lovely man who will understand and respect women. The only thing to bear in mind is that you will need to know a lot about dinosaurs. Don't know why that should be a gender issue but it does seem to be. Other than that, love is all you need!

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

Review of Steve Biddulph's dross book.

[Chooster]

As a mum of 3 boys I'd like to join a book club on the raising Cain book!

[comixminx]

I read & enjoyed Pink Brain, Blue Brain which helps you counter the "science" based views people have about gender essentialisms - ie the stuff that people think science has proved about gender which it totally hasn't! (Eg women talk more than men, boys are better at physical tasks than social ones, or whatever.) The author also has some helpful practical tips to follow in order to try to avoid some common traps.