Lazy partner

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

Don't know where to start, just feel like I need a massive rant. Sorry for yet another thread about housework.

What the hell can I do? We've lived together 6 months or so, I feel like things are slipping out of my grasp. Today it's all come to a head and I am so unhappy (he doesn't know it at the moment).

I will try to keep it short.

He thinks he "tries" and that he is reasonable. Yes, if I ask, things will get done (eventually, or straight away accompanied by sighs). But I really fucking resent having to ask. To think about these things. When HE DOESN'T.

With the big jobs (laundry, hoovering, etc) it's almost simpler. I will say "this needs to be done" and we will do it together if laundry, or the hoovering or cleaning bathroom might get done in a few days. Washing up we alternate and do every 2 days (we both detest it). See above point re: thinking about the jobs.

What gets me is the little things. Putting things away. Especially food rubbish. Other rubbish too (from the post etc). Dirty laundry.

But mainly it's just that he NEVER thinks about these things. And he doesn't understand how I can have these things on my mind for days at a time. I have changed and become more slovenly because it is easier than "nagging". Our flat is cluttered to put it nicely. I don't like what I've become.

We've talked about it so many times. I've told him I feel it's disrespectful to me. He says he is just happier to do things when he wants to do them, and that they will get done. This means that every day there is something left out around the living room or kitchen, a yogurt pot, a glass with dried milk in the bottom, etc. I've told him that it affects how much I want sex with him. (Other issues there though, haha). He promises to do more, to make an effort. If I'm around, he will, like cleaning up after himself when he cooks.

(He used to cook more than me, that's changed lately - what a surprise! He likes it more than me too.)

Anyway. At the weekend he went away for a night with mates. A weight was lifted off my shoulders (don't feel I can do chores when he is around, you see. Makes me resentful). I cleared up, hoovered, did some laundry (that he said he was going to do before he went out). Doesn't seem like much but I wrote down what I had done and included all the little things. (Like "put yogurt pot in bin" or "put dirty towels in laundry basket now there is space".)

He came home, said "It looks really tidy, thanks!" and hasn't lifted a finger to do anything since, except wash up last night when it was his turn. The kitchen is a tip again, laundry needs doing, dirty pants on floor in bedroom.

I could go on but I am sure this is getting boring.

We have tried rotas (didn't work for long because we go away to visit family on weekends fairly often) and separating chores (can't agree; he WON'T clean the bathroom every time and will only take the "nice" chores like hoovering and laundry rather than the ones where you get dirty). Besides, this doesn't address the "small" issues.

I think he is lazy. He plays Call of Duty on the PS3 each night for at least 2 hours.

My latest idea is to put up and shut up for a month and write down EVERYTHING that I do. But then what? He always wriggles out of it.

I've read the Politics of Housework. I'm not sure if he thinks I should do it all (maybe he does, but doesn't realise it) or if he is just really lazy. He calls me nagging too.

I am aware that I'm a cliche :( Just so worried that it will be much, much worse when we have kids. Why is it so damn hard?

I'm so unhappy today :( thanks for reading.

[EvilAntsAndMiasmas]

Hi Blair, sorry you're feeling so down.

Tell me, did he look after himself before you moved in together? What was his place like?

But my real burning question is how the fucking fuck do you put up with looking at the back of his head for 2 hours every night while he pretends to be a soldier?

What areas of the house does he use most? Can you try imitating him for a while and leaving all your crap in his way, waiting for him to cook and wash up etc?

Seriously, I think just 6 months into living together it is OUTRAGEOUS that he is so complacent as to treat you like an unpaid skivvy - what are the advantages of living together?

[marantha]

OK, I am making assumption that you both work here so that chores should be shared equally.
If so, my advice (if NO serious financial commitments have been made, not married or you don't have children) is to move out and live apart.
I'm serious about this.
Sixth months of cohabitation and he's playing on computer game while you run about doing chores.
For goodness sake, if you are not all loved up at this stage WHEN will you be? When the stresses of having children arrive?
You see what helps a couple get through the hard times is the loving bond of good memories they store early on in the relationship.
After just six months, you are not storing these memories cause they do not exist.
Do yourself a favour, move out.
Make any excuse you can think of: you can still be 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'.

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

Thanks EAM. I felt better getting it out of my system!

It?s a 1 bed flat (so there aren?t really any areas he uses more) and we?re in an area where the rent for such a property is well over £700 (reason to live together!)

The computer game thing, I dunno really :( I like me-time in the evenings too, and usually sit browsing the internet or reading a book, and then after dinner we spend the rest of the evening together. Typical evenings tend not to involve chores though (that?s how stubborn I have become!). A real bone of contention for me is the fact that I do the majority of the food shopping as I work near a supermarket and he doesn?t, and it?s always me that clears up after dinner too (clearing the plates, rinsing everything because we only wash up every other day, tidying the kitchen, putting cooking mess in the bin).

Random thoughts alert:

I feel worried now because I know that I am going to have to bring it up tonight and I don?t know what I?ll say. There?s nothing to say that I haven?t said really!

I keep thinking ?Oh, I could try that!? and then realising I have.

The thing that really gets me, pisses me off immeasurably, is that even if he did 50% of the actual chores, I would still be the one who thinks about it and asks him to do them.

I realised he would never go on a cleaning spree if I went away. It made me wonder why I bother. I feel like there are 2 choices: do it all, feel happy about living in a clean flat but resent him so much that I am constantly simmering with anger; or keep it the same as it is now and just feel down about it all the time and worrying about bringing it up.

Just been typing this in Word and seen marantha?s post. You?re right except I don?t run around doing chores. They just don?t get done because I am so stubborn I think ?well if he won?t share them then fuck it, I won?t do them either?. Seems like he is happy with this. He does laundry when he runs out of clothes, but will either tumble dry everything or leave wet clothes in the machine for a couple of days because loading the machine is the easy bit.

As for moving out, I have considered it, but only in the context of a break up. I know this isn?t how it should be, but I don?t think a lot of women would care as much as I do either. Don?t know really.

I do think he has a sense of entitlement to leisure time and thinks that chores shouldn?t eat into his evenings. I?d like it if we had a system where everything got done before we sat down, not like either of us works late or has a long commute. Maybe I?ll suggest that, and encourage him to think of things that need doing. God ? I?m not his mother! Grrr

[booooooooooyhoo]

stop doing everything. i mean don't cook, except for yourself don't do washing, except your own, dont clean. just stop everything and he will soon start asking why things arent done. at that point you tell him you are being him and waiting to be renminded to do things even though you know they need done.

[booooooooooyhoo]

just seen your second post. do you think you are compatible? i mean this is clearly how he is and you are clearly not confortable with it. are you sure you need to be living with him?

[Ragwort]

Agree with Marantha - get out now. What exactly do you get from this relationship anyway? If you feel like this now, it can only get much, much worse.

[booooooooooyhoo]

btw, i had exactly the same issues with EXp even teh computer games. i hated it. i resented him so much. it was a big part of teh split. i am not his carer. partner implies equality.

[EvilAntsAndMiasmas]

Who cooks? If you're rinsing (and I can see why you would, most people wash up daily surely or it smells) then I bet you're itching to wash up, and NOT doing it specifically because that is your deal.

He would have to do far more work if you weren't there - you would have far less on your plate. it's not fair and it's not right. Does he understand that you are willing to move out over this? You really don't want to be reminding him over every little thing. He needs to take full charge of some things: cooking & laundry perhaps? If he leaves wet clothes in the washing machine sort yours out and leave his in there or in his side of the bed, wet.

[booooooooooyhoo]

agree with evilants. just do your own stuff. dont cook for him or clean anything or wash his clothes.

[ScaryFucker]

you have a lazy flatmate

your last post hinted at the reason you live together (high rent for 1 bed flat)

can't really see any other reason why you are with him, tbh

if you "feel like his mother" only 6 months in you have a problem

carry on looking after him if you like...but be prepare to feel more and more like a domestic appliance

I see you don't have kids. He will get worse when you have kids...I put my life savings on it.

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

I have washed only my clothes before and got laughed at and told it was petty. I don't want to just stop doing things because I can't really do much less than I am and I will be living in a horrible dirty flat.

We share the cooking, that is something I am happier about.

I'm wondering if I can do much better ;)

[ScaryFucker]

like or lump it

them's your choices

I know what mine would be

I don't pick up the slack for any able-bodied individual

And that includes my kids over a certain age

[booooooooooyhoo]

sorry, he laughed at you so you started doing his washing again????? in what world is it sensible to reward that sort of behaviour?

you CAN do much better.

[booooooooooyhoo]

and you know tehre is no law to say you have to do his washing. what is wrong with you each doing your own?

[ScaryFucker]

And if someone who was supposed to be my partner laughed at me and called me "petty" when I was attempting to assert my right not to be treated like a doormat, he would be very sorry indeed

[Ariesgirl]

I could throttle my OH for the same reasons something, though admittedly he's less extreme than your man sounds. He always looks helplessly bewildered and says that he hasn't "noticed" anything needs doing e.g. if by some miracle he does the dishwasher he'll load in the stuff that is on the dishwasher but leave all the dirty pans on the hob, and not wipe down any of the surfaces. And he doesn't know where things are kept, or what programme we wash the clothes on ("we"?) Hoovering he'll do if I put it in his hand. I can't remember him ever cleaning the bathroom though.

I wonder what the answer is? I think they start off by "not noticing" things need doing, and then when they realise it's an issue dig their heels in. The other gem I've heard is that he has a higher tolerance of mess than I do. Sorry I can't be of any help - you're not alone though.

[BalloonSlayer]

he does sound a pain but I am not sure that a lot of flatmates - male or female - would be much different.

You make the housework sound like a massive slog, something that takes up all your leisure hours. Yet you live in a one bedroom flat, have no children and presumably are both out at work all day.

I have 3 messy DCs, a messy husband and a largish house yet I wouldn't call hoovering a "big job." And when you say clean the bathroom "every time" do you mean every time he has a bath?

What I am getting at is although I think he is a bit lazy, you seem a bit OTT . . . I mean WTF is it with writing a list for him of what you've done including "put yogurt pot in bin" or "put dirty towels in laundry basket now there is space". If a woman posted on here saying her partner of 6 months had left her a list like that, there would be loads of posts saying "run for the hills".

Sorry. I think maybe you're just incompatible in this one area.

[EvilAntsAndMiasmas]

TBH you probably can. He laughed at you feeling upset about his lazy-arsery? What a fucker. Doesn't he care that you're upset and stressed out?

What about saying "Right, we will spend the first hour after work doing housework. I will do the laundry and tidy the bedroom. You will do the bathroom/toilet and the sitting room. Floors, surfaces etc. Then one of us will cook and the other will wash up [the LAW in most houses]. If it's a problem, I am moving out because it is humiliating to find that my boyfriend looks on housework as too lowly for him, but perfectly fine for me to do. Do we have a deal?"

[EvilAntsAndMiasmas]

And of course you're not going to need an hour every night. But put one aside and point out that the quicker it gets done, the quicker you can crack open MN a bottle of wine and he can play with his toy soldiers.

FWIW I am desperately untidy - DP calls me a "mess factory" but I try to keep a lid on it because I know it upsets him and stresses him out if the place is relly untidy. Because I'm not a total shit who thinks that it's his life's destiny to wash up the dishes or pick up my dirty socks.

[nocake]

Get out now. You've been living together for 6 months and he's already driving you mad. What's it going to be like after a year... or 5 years... or 10? No, he won't change so don't even think he will.

[ooooozathon]

I think you're fundamentally incompatible I'm afraid...

You mention issues with lack of sex too, sorry if it's irrelevant and you don't want to get into it here, but ceasing to fancy someone because of this kind of stuff is allowed, it's ok.

But I don't think he's the man for the rest of your life. I'm sure he's lovely and gorgeous etc, but don't waste time - move in with friends, what's a few hundred on the ole credit card compared to a lifetime with someone who is really nice but drives you mental? You have to be a team to bring up kids, a well-oiled machine, and I think this is going to be the thing that you will never be ok about.

It will only get worse than this, it will not get better. He's not a bastard, but you're incompatible. Hope I'm not out of line and I could be wrong.

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

BalloonSlayer you've misunderstood I'm afraid :) I mean hoovering is a big job as opposed to little things like putting something in the bin or something away that we should each do for ourselves. And clean the bathroom every time I meant as opposed to us taking turns (ie if we split the chores by job and he took on that job). And I wrote that list but it was never my intention to show it to him and I haven't.

Thanks for everyones replies, it's really nice of you to take the time to read my rants.

Maybe i should be less stubborn and try to see things from his point of view more but when people suggest "strategies" I just think "why should I have to?" :(

[notquitenormal]

My DP was like this when we first moved in together. Seemed to think I'd do all the cleaning, cooking, washing etc.

Came home to find him sat on the sofa waiting for his dinner. He ran out of clothes becuase he thought I'd pick them up of the floor and do his washing for him.

The consequence of this was I refused to ever to the laundry. As a result of his lazyness he still, 15yrs later, does every scrap of laundry in this house (I put it away, I'm not that harsh.)

And we had a conversation that went 'I am not your Mummy. If you ever sit on your arse looking at a job that needs doing, waiting for me to do it for you, again I will send you back to your Mummy.'

And if he had continued I would have left. For me, it is a dealbreaker.

[booooooooooyhoo]

Op have you actually read teh responses here? no-one thinks you are being stubborn. you seem to be resingned to doing all teh housework.

[BlairWaldorfsHairband]

Yep definitely a deal breaker for me too and I'm getting close. I think snoozathon is probably right. He's not a bastard. He just needs a girlfriend who isn't a feminist!

Still don't know what to say to him tonight.

I believe he thinks there's nothing wrong with leaving things until they absolutely must be done. But he doesn't see what's wrong with this (ie makes me unhappy). I've changed so far, can't he make a tiny effort? Says he wants to make me happy blah blah. Obv not enough to pick up his crap, though it's such a small thing.