Dad "giving me away"

[Butterpie]

I get married in six weeks time. Our ceremony won't be legally binding (we are going to the register office a few days afterwards) and we don't have anyone "in charge" so we are doing it all ourselves.

Now, we have had enough dillemmas about whether or not to get married in the first place and it all seems slightly silly, but then we are not the types to turn down the oppurtunity to dress up and have a party, and we have gone a bit morbid lately, so wedding it is.

What do I do about my Dad though? Him "giving me away" is daft in so many ways, not least that we can be quite vocal feminists (eg I will be breastfeeding baby Emmeline Christabel Petra at the wedding) but also...well, I'm hardly the blushing bride in the first flush of young love- me and DP have two children together!

BUT- if I don't ask my Dad to "give me away" then he will see it as a massive insult, and, really, the whole thing is quite silly anyway once you think about it, one little tradition isn't the only silly thing.

At first I suggested that we both get given away by both our parents, but DP vetoed that on the grounds that he is divorced so, if anything, his ex should do it, and she quire reasonably wouldn't be up for that (not that we have asked)

Any ideas?

[gorionine]

Have you talked to your Dad abouy it? Are you sure he will feel insulted?

My dad did not give me away (Although DH asked him before me if he would agree to the wedding shoud'I say yes to him proposing) nor did he give my sister away, was no big deal for him.

[tribpot]

I avoided this for a number of reasons, one being the fact I didn't really want to ram home that my step-dad has been more of a dad than my dad - but the point still stands.

I think you have a number of options. One is to declare you're having a very informal wedding and there will be no "walking down the aisle" bit. We were just in the room before the guests arrived.

Another is to see it not as your dad giving you away (given you're doing it yourself, you clearly don't have to have anyone saying "who is giving away this woman?", not that that's in the legal ceremony either) but just your dad accompanying you to your wedding place. Why not have both your parents walk with you?

Congratulations, btw!

[AMumInScotland]

Why will your dad expect to "give you away"? That isn't even in the standard church wedding service any more - it's still fairly usual for the dad to walk his daughter down the aisle, but there are no words in the service any more about "Who gives this woman?" which were in the old service books.

If you're doing your own ceremony, can you not just have your nearest family there beside you as "supporters"? Or give your parents (and siblings?) some words to say about supporting you in your marriage?

I expect if you looked online, there will be suggested forms of words that people have used to include their family in the wedding, without treating the bride as an object or possession.

[sayanything]

I felt the same way, so my dad drove us to the church and DH and I walked down the aisle together.

[Butterpie]

I'm having my parents, sisters, grandmother, best mate and daughters travel to the wedding with me (on the bus and metro, in full wedding dress, just because I think it'll be a laugh )

My Dad isn't the talking type- I've tried to ask him and he just mutters about it being my wedding and changes the channel on the tv. I'm told by everyone else that he wants to be the full on father of the bride though.

[sethstarkaddersmum]

it would have been so, so wrong for my dad to give me away.
It was important to us for everything in our wedding to make a sincere statement about who we were so for us this was a no-compromise issue.
DH and I walked down the aisle together, as befits our grown-up status, and we asked my dad to make a speech on the grounds that he would be better at it and enjoy it more than my mum.

sorry, that doesn't help, does it?

[sethstarkaddersmum]

I'm thinking you need to find a way to give him an important role in the ceremony to show him you love & value him, & that the not giving you away thing is because you are loony feminist not because you don't want him there.

Can you give him and your mum an important place to sit, or write something into the vows which mentions them?

[ProfessorLaytonIsMyLoveSlave]

My father walked me down the "aisle" (civil ceremony) because I knew it would be important to him, but when we got to the front he just sat right down and there was no giving away. I felt that was OK, for me. I knew he wasn't "giving me away", DH knew he wasn't "giving me away", my father knew he wasn't "giving me away" and I don't give two hoots whether a random onlooker might have decided that he was giving me away because traditionally being "given away" followed being walked down the aisle.

[AMumInScotland]

Seriously, does anyone actually do the "giving away" bit these days? I had a pretty traditional wedding, even said "obey", took my husband's surname, the whole shebang. But the service didn't include anything about my father "giving me away". He walked me down the aisle, then took his seat. That was just the way the service book had it, I'd have actually had to request them to add in an extra bit if I had wanted to be "given away"

Are you planning to "walk down the aisle" and meet your DP at the front of the room? If so, then easy enough to have your dad accompany you then sit down. That is probably all he would be expecting to happen anyway, and people can read into it anything or nothing as they wish. He would probably like to do that if he's failry "traditional" but it doens't have to mean anything about you being his property or anything else archaic.

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

Had a civil ceremony, my dad didn't 'give me away' as I didn't feel comfortable with it (and I have a lovely dad). Also there was no aisle to walk down, I just walked into the room with my best friend, who was one of our witnesses.

One thing we did do was to ask my dad and FIL to do a reading we had chosen.

When my parents got married (church service) they just walked down the aisle together holding hands as my grandfather died when my mum was young and she didn't want anyone else.

[nooka]

I walked up the aisle with my father, which felt quite appropriate as it was in the church which I used to go to with him (I only really got married in church because I thought he should get at least one Catholic service out of us (my big sister turned evangelical CoE, my middle sister married a Jew and had a registry office do, and my brother hasn't got married anywhere (yet)).

I didn't feel given away though, I'm not sure that's even in the Catholic ceremony, just showing off with my dad really. I wore my mother's dress in the hope that would make her happy, but given how much she disliked my dh perhaps that didn't really help at all.

[nooka]

Waking up the aisle hand in hand sounds very sweet. I think as long as there is a role for your parents that you know they would enjoy, and you ask them them in the right way you should be OK.
Your dd has quite some credentials there

[piscesmoon]

Your Dad isn't really 'giving you away', let him have his moment of pride in his DD! It is a special father/DD moment. My father died 10 months before I got married-I would have given anything to have walked arm in arm with him! There is no need to read outdated sentiments into it-you are over thinking things IMO.

[RedArsedBaboon]

I had my dad giving me away. It was wonderful. We walked down the aisle together and he was slightly terful when it came to 'that bit', it was a part of tradition that i wouldn't have had any other way.

We were round theirs for lunch the next day before we set off for honeymoon.

[Merle]

I know what you mean on this one.

The whole idea of being 'given away' makes me cringe.

I had a civil ceremony in an old house. I was desperate NOT to make a big, bride-like entrance (there was a staircase which led into the hall where the ceremony was held).

I insisted that my husband to be met me outside and we walked in together. Our 4 year-old son and his sword, came too.

The tricky bit was the witnesses. We had a best man, so that was one of them. My dad suggested that he'd like to be the other. I think he thought it was his role - a bit like 'giving me away', I suppose.

I didn't have the heart to object, so that's what we did.

(love the name Emmeline, BTW)

[RedArsedBaboon]

Why would you object to your dad being a best man though, if you weren't keen on him giving you away. Wouldn't it be nice to give them an active role whether it is giving you away or otherwise.

I couldn't bear the thought of them wanting to play a part but being told not to.

[ISNT]

We had a civil ceremony and my dad walked me down the "aisle" and then took his seat. I wouldn't have changed that part TBH as our wedding was pretty traditional (apart from it being a civil thingy) and so to leave out the walking down the aisle part would have looked v pointed.

There's loads of stuff to do with weddings that is bizarre and random, but for me (with very traditional families on each side) I felt that it would be best all round to do it in teh way that people are used to. I had already upset both sets of parents by not getting married in a church

For me as well, weddings are about the families and the friends, grandparents aunties and everyone, and I wanted to just do it in teh way that most people would expect & enjoy IYSWIM.

I also took DHs name [gasp]

For me teh more important thing is how I live my life, raise my children, behave to others etc when it comes to feminism (or anything) - adhering to a bit of outdated symbolism doens't alter that for me. especially not if it means that eg my very unwell MIL sits through her sons wedding day feeling disappointed etc.

Anyway having said all that I think people need to do what's right for them and their situation - I just don't think that being a bit traditional in these matters for one day negates a entire life lived in another way.

[msrisotto]

I am planning my wedding too and my dad will walk me down the 'aisle' (civil) but there will be no "Who gives this woman" etc.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Why not ask him to do the walking you in bit in the civil ceremony? If he's traditional than he may see that as the "real" wedding anyway, and your celebration as just a party. If you're the one walking in at the reg office (no clue how these things work sorry), then you can have both your parents with you, surely? And DH can wait at the front on his own (maybe not with ex-W ). If it were me I would like both my parents doing it, ideally, as they've both made me what I am.

Then you're free to do what you like at the celebration you are planning. You could swing in on trapezes or ping out of a trapdoor, and your DF will know he'll be doing his part later.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Why not ask him to do the walking you in bit in the civil ceremony? If he's traditional than he may see that as the "real" wedding anyway, and your celebration as just a party. If you're the one walking in at the reg office (no clue how these things work sorry), then you can have both your parents with you, surely? And DH can wait at the front on his own (maybe not with ex-W ). If it were me I would like both my parents doing it, ideally, as they've both made me what I am.

Then you're free to do what you like at the celebration you are planning. You could swing in on trapezes or ping out of a trapdoor, and your DF will know he'll be doing his part later.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

sorry

[MrsGangly]

I was 'given away', complete with the pastor asking, "Who gives this woman to be wed?" I've lived independently for years and have a fairly senior professional job, but I wanted to give thanks to my step-father for the role he had in my life, far more than that of my own father.

My husband and I weren't living together though and didn't have children, so I can appreciate that it might be less appropriate for you two.

I would wonder if he'd like to walk you into the ceremony and then just sit down. When I was at a wedding in Sweden last year, the couple walked in together which was nice.

[tabouleh]

My wedding was very traditional. I am not sure if I was getting married now, that I would be comfortable with the being "passed from my father to my new husband".

At the time when I was 25 I didn't give it a moments thought.

If you decide not to do this then you'll have to say to your Dad "surely you don't want me to do something which I will feel uncomfortable with?".

Make sure he has another important role and maybe if there are any speeches he can say "you'll notive that I didn't walk Butterpie down the aisle - this is because women and men are equal in this society and I am very proud of her being a feminist"!

[jenny60]

Am I missing something? Not sure what you mean about his ex standing in for his parents? Probably I am just thick.

This won't help, but having had mixed feelings about marriage in the first place, I was adamant that our weddign ceremony would be as nonsexist as possible. So, absolutely no giving away. My dad was probably a bit sad, but not much. There was no white dress, we had witnesses, not 'best men' or 'matrons of honour' (ffs), my mum spoke, his dad spoke and a woman friend made the main speech. Oh, as we're not religious and both very opossed to the misogyny and homophobia the churches we were brought in seem to stand for, there was no church. Can't myself see the problem with walking in with parents, friends, siblings, whomever you want, but one man walking in with one woman sends a message I couldn't deal with. But it's a personal thing. Good luck.