Should I confront DP that I've found this?

(87 Posts)
ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 13:32:42

Today I had to move DP's bedside drawers and underneath it (hidden rather well) was a porn magazine and some train tickets. The first thing I noticed was the magazine and I was a bit unsure of what to make of it. I had a look though and decided although I am not particularly keen on DP having it, it was fairly harmless stuff and I was more surprised than anything, but not overly bothered. I did however think I'd probably let him know I had found it, in a fairly light-hearted way and just have a chat about it (but not be confrontational) as it's the secrecy rather than the item that concerns me.

Then I noticed there are also train tickets for a weekend away to a UK city, for two people. It may be a coincidence but it's a city we like visiting and is our nearest mini break type destination. So I thought perhaps he's booked us a surprise and that I should hide both the tickets and the magazine and pretend I never saw them. However he's told me he's working that Sunday. I texted him to double check and he confirmed this. He'll know from experience that I am likely to arrange to see friends if he's working on a day I'm off - which makes me think he's not planning a weekend away or he'd have told me to keep it free. (Could it be he's double booked himself or thought he'd lost the tickets, so arranged to work instead? Seems a long shot but I can't imagine why he'd book time away if he was working).

So I am rather bemused! I think my options are;

a) replace both items and never mention them.
b) tell him I've found them and ask what the tickets are for.
c) arrange the tickets so it looks like they've slipped out while I was moving the furniture, but I haven't noticed them.

UnicornCrisps Fri 07-Mar-14 13:35:19

Hmm, I would have to ask. If it's possible he is going to surprise you could you make up some plans for that weekend and see if he tries to put you off?

smoothieooo Fri 07-Mar-14 13:36:02

That's a tricky one. Could you not ask him outright why the train tickets are hidden (which seems more of an issue than the hidden porn mag)?

AnyFucker Fri 07-Mar-14 13:37:09

I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't ask him directly about the tickets

You seem to think they are somehow linked to the porn mag, what makes you think that ?

Id do some more snooping.

impatienttobemummy Fri 07-Mar-14 13:38:09

Option a
See if he asks you

Just ask him. Be honest, you weren't snooping, you found them whilst cleaning.

CashmereHoodlum Fri 07-Mar-14 13:39:21

d) Hide the tickets.

Sorry to say this but it really does look like he is going away with someone else. I would not confront him just yet but I would remove the tickets and watch his behaviour very closely. Also get an STI test.

chicaguapa Fri 07-Mar-14 13:39:45

Or d) Take the train tickets and see if he mentions it nearer the time. If he doesn't, you know he's hiding something from you.

TheReluctantCountess Fri 07-Mar-14 13:40:24

I think you should ask him.

I would just ask him outright. If he has nothing to hide it won't be an issue, surely?

bellablot Fri 07-Mar-14 13:43:33

Tricky situation. I wouldn't ask him right out, maybe it's a surprise. Wait until the time comes and if your non the wiser then I'd be deeply suspicious.

Wouldn't have said there was a link between porn mag and tickets or are you suspecting there is?

Don't mention it. Follow him on the day instead.

frustrated spy

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 13:44:09

Wow I didn't expect so many replies so quickly!
I must admit as I was writing this I thought it did sound like he was having an affair. But I honestly don't think he'd do that.
@anyfucker - I don't exactly think the train tickets and magazine are linked, it is just I have found them at the same time and wondered about them both...

ohtobemeagain Fri 07-Mar-14 13:44:10

How far away is the weekend? If it is this weekend, I would go with telling him your plans, and then if he doesn't mention the train tickets, check to see if the tickets have disappeared after he leaves for "work". Mind you, I wouldn't be able to sleep with him between now and then, so he may notice.

If it is several weeks away, I wouldn't be able to wait. If you confront him with them, and it is shady, he will come up with some excuse and you may never get to the bottom of it. I would start some detective work - emails, phone, internet history etc. Is there some one at his work you could check with? i.e. ring them when you know he's in a meeting to check something with them i,e the date, hotel name etc that you need to know now for family reasons?

Hassled Fri 07-Mar-14 13:45:29

I assume the tickets and the mag aren't linked - he just thinks he has a safe hiding place.

I'd take the tickets and put them somewhere else. See what happens.

Dillydollydaydream Fri 07-Mar-14 13:45:31

I'd put them back and see if the tickets disappear on the weekend he's working. Surprise him at the train station on his return.
Hope he's just planning a nice surprise though given that it's somewhere you'd both like to visit.

antiabz Fri 07-Mar-14 13:47:44

If I was you OP I would wait.

Put the tickets and mag back. Wait until Sunday, and see if they are gone when he leaves.

If they are.....don a pair of dark glasses and a wig and follow.

That's what I'd do grin

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 13:51:56

Thanks all… I am in a bit of a dilemma as I don't suspect him of foul play, more just I don't want to spoil a surprise - but also am bemused that he's not asked me to keep that day free. He knows I hate having days off on my own and that I'd definitely be forward-planning to see someone on a day he's working.
Would you confront him re: the magazine? I'm not sure how I feel about it.

antiabz Fri 07-Mar-14 13:53:06

Nope just do what I said earlier (except maybe not the wig)

Either way in that scenario you don't spoil a surprise either so it's win win.

antiabz Fri 07-Mar-14 13:53:34

Hmm too many eithers in that sentence

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 07-Mar-14 13:54:45

I'd wait and see if he 'goes to work' and if the tickets miraculously disappear. Then I'd be waiting to meet him at the station. In fact - just what pp's have just said.

He hasn't lost them - they're hidden away with his porno mag -he knows exactly where they are.

I'm sorry to say 'working' is probably a cover for a jolly away with another woman.

If you confront him now, he will just say it's a surprise for you - and you'll never know the truth for sure. Sorry.

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 13:56:31

A few people have suggested I should see if the tickets disappear on the weekend he says he's working. However the outward ticket is on the Saturday (when we're both off and would therefore have the day together) and the return is on the Sunday (when he says he's working). Therefore he'd have to use them BEFORE the day he's working.

I think I may be over thinking this one but it's just so weird! My options now seem to be;
a) ask him and explain I wasn't going looking for them - I do have a genuine reason for moving the furniture, which he will know is true. But if it's a surprise weekend away this may spoil it.
b) put them back but be in suspense for another two weeks!

chicaguapa Fri 07-Mar-14 13:56:41

Maybe your friends are in on it too so if you make a plan with them, they know you'll have to cancel. Is it a special weekend, an anniversary or similar?

It seems a bit daft to buy tickets for a dirty weekend away with an OW and keep them under your bedside table. Are there 2 tickets?

FabBakerGirl Fri 07-Mar-14 13:58:16

Why do you need to say anything at all about the magazine? You're either bothered or you aren't.

The train tickets could be anything at all and you need to think about what you will do if he is cheating.

Not liking a day off on your own seems a bit like you rely on him too much and you maybe should look at getting yourself some more friends and learn to like your own company.

antiabz Fri 07-Mar-14 13:58:36

I'd definitely wait for a bit.

And I'd be morbidly curious too.

It depends really, does your dh have the kind of job where he may 'have' to leave for some reason on Saturday?

Greybrows Fri 07-Mar-14 13:59:28

Agree with Sabrina above. You need to wait and see what he does with them on the Sunday, and follow him. Sorry, it's dodgy.

antiabz Fri 07-Mar-14 14:00:17

Men always think their porn stash is a safe as a bank grin

CashmereHoodlum Fri 07-Mar-14 14:00:40

Is there anything else in his behaviour that has made you suspicious? Any changes over the last few months?

Honsandrevels Fri 07-Mar-14 14:02:04

Suggest seeing friends or booking a meal for the Saturday night and see what he says? If you are going away presumably he's have to make up some excuse as to why you can't go.

Tbh most people think their DHs arent "the type" to cheat.

The statistics would tell another story.

I think just ask outright OP. Otherwise you'll drive yourself mad. I'm sure the tickets are for you anyway but if he's a good guy and not up to no good he wouldn't want you to be worried or anxious.

vikkik888 Fri 07-Mar-14 14:07:50

I think it sounds like he's planning a surprise, surely if he was going away with someone else he would've said he's working both days?

If I made plans with a friend but the day before I was whisked away on a surprise weekend I know none of my friends would have an issue with me cancelling, and he's not likely to tell you to keep it free if its a surprise, maybe he'll contact the friends you make plans with and explain..

I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 07-Mar-14 14:08:56

I'd wait the 2 weeks tbh. I know it'll be agony - but I'd have to know for sure.

There are 2 explanations - he's either innocently forgotten the tickets/thought they were lost/planning surprise for you. Or he's planning going with another woman.

If you confront him now he'll claim one of the innocent explanations and you'd never be sure.

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 14:10:53

Thanks everyone, it'd be a pity to spoil it if it is a surprise. I know it doesn't sound great from what I have written but I really don't think he's having an affair - it'd be impossible for him to get a 10am train on the Saturday we have off together, and it's not a job where he'd need to be away overnight or anything. I guess I will just have to try really hard to not say anything, though it's going to be hard! Not saying seems like best option all round I think…

Is it this weekend OP or a long time in the future? If it's tomorrow I'd wait and see but any longer and I'd have to ask about them.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 07-Mar-14 14:14:21

I'm thinking it may well be a surprise OP - is he the type to this?

Either way it's win-win - you neither spoil his surprise, nor are kept in the dark if there is another woman.

Really hope it's the former flowers

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 14:16:22

Thank you… two weeks to wait, arrghhghhhgh!
This is so hard not to say anything!!!!

Why don't you tell him that you're booking something expensive and non-refundable on the sunday for yourself, like theatre tickets?

I'm afraid I don't think it looks good, but you will only get bullshit from him if you ask him outright at this stage. You'll have to wait and see how it pans out.

OnlyLovers Fri 07-Mar-14 14:21:09

I think it's a surprise, going by the date details you give us. I also think the porn mag and the tickets are unrelated.

If you're not bothered about the mag, then I'd keep schtum about the tickets –although I can appreciate how hard it'll be!

sebsmummy1 Fri 07-Mar-14 14:23:31

Why would he say he was working on the Sunday? How does that fit in with the surprise theory?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 07-Mar-14 14:25:09

Yes - porn mag and tickets probably unrelated - it's just his 'super-duper' hiding place.

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 14:29:48

@sebsmummy1 - I've no idea! There has been one other time when he surprised me but he knows I tend to have a lot on - so he told me to keep a particular weekend free (and didn't say why until the day). He could be going for a different approach. But it's strange cos he knows I'd arrange something that Sunday.

sebsmummy1 Fri 07-Mar-14 14:50:02

I think that's the bit that would concern me, it sort of doesn't make sense.

So these tickets are two return tickets leaving on the Saturday coming back on the Sunday? They are definitely this year, not old ones?

If I was a cynic I might say that by booking the Sunday off already he has one day covered, is there anything he might be able to say nearer the time that would allow him to stay away in the Saturday night without arousing your suspicions?

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 15:34:30

@sebsmummy1 yes they're definitely this year - at first I thought they were used ones then I noticed the year on them. And they are for going on Saturday morning 10am and returning Sunday 6pm.

I can't think of any obvious situation in which he'd stay away on the Saturday night. He's never done that before.

In the end I decided to leave the tickets on the floor (as if they'd slipped out from under the drawers when I moved them) but not mention them, and see what happens... still time to change that before he gets home if people think it's a terrible idea!

anonforabit Fri 07-Mar-14 15:47:24

I think you should put them back!! I know it will drive you crazy for 2 weeks but at least you'll know for sure. Hopefully it's a surprise and all will be well but if not you're best off finding out sooner than later! Good luck op!

Pantone363 Fri 07-Mar-14 15:52:53

Put them back. Say nothing. He either takes you away or he doesn't. Either way you have an answer.

WeeClype Fri 07-Mar-14 16:05:18

I'd put them away and say nothing!

sebsmummy1 Fri 07-Mar-14 16:43:32

I would put then away too.

I would also be looking at how he is with his phone and checking his emails if you have access.

I really hope you are right and he is building up to a surprise. It's just the work thing that sounds a bit off.

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 16:56:36

I'm really not sure... I am certain he's not cheating. But also bemused about how he can be going on a weekend away when he's working (if it's a surprise for me, how come he's working on the Sunday; and if it's with someone else, how will he go away at 10am on a day he's supposed to be spending with me?) My instinct is just to tell him I found both these items...

Haven't stopped thinking about it all day, arrrgh!

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Fri 07-Mar-14 16:59:03

Surely the surprise, if there is one, is already ruined... You found the tickets.

I'd be upfront with him, i wouldn't start snooping, these sorts of games and double bluffs tend to lead to trouble in the long run. If he finds out, he might think you don't trust him and that's a whole unnecessary can of worms.

My dh accidentally let slip about a surprise weekend away once. He was gutted but it was still a surprise, just a couple of weeks earlier than it should have been. Why torment yourself over something that is meant to be nice?!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Fri 07-Mar-14 17:01:10

Nooooo - you won't know if he's lying to you.

I'm not say he is cheating or not - but people are often certain their partners are not cheating, only to find they are.

One thing for certain - cheating partners become expert liars.

sebsmummy1 Fri 07-Mar-14 17:04:52

Party, this is your relationship, you must do what you think is right.

If you do admit you moved the furniture and found the mag and tickets, please do it face to face so you can gauge his reaction.

TerribleHumanBeing Fri 07-Mar-14 17:09:03

I would gush all over him when he gets in about the wonderful surprise and how thrilled you are and what a lovely thing for him to do for you.

Then watch his reaction.

Faverolles Fri 07-Mar-14 17:11:37

Why not just tell him you've found them and ask what they're for?

lunar1 Fri 07-Mar-14 17:13:25

I'd follow him on the day if he doesn't mention anything to you. Nobody on these boards thinks their dh is the type to cheat, until they do. I wouldn't give the chance to make something up.

notapizzaeater Fri 07-Mar-14 17:13:37

Hmmm I think id just ask I'm outright but then we don't know him. I'd be snooping on his phone email just in case ...

Mrswellyboot Fri 07-Mar-14 17:17:46

I think it is probably a surprise but two weeks is a long time to wait and then be disappointed if it is not. The fact you will book something else and he couldn't take you away is confusing though, I really hope it's genuine flowers

ajandjjmum Fri 07-Mar-14 17:33:11

Is there an obvious person you would choose to spend your day off with? If so, could they be in on the surprise with your DH - ie, agree to spend the day with you, knowing that it won't actually happen?

OodlesofOods Fri 07-Mar-14 17:50:49

^I would gush all over him when he gets in about the wonderful surprise and how thrilled you are and what a lovely thing for him to do for you.

Then watch his reaction.^

This.

Lilly20again Fri 07-Mar-14 17:55:56

I think he's cheating..sorry.
I would be waiting until said day and following him. Plus going through his phone, Internet and bank statements.

<another frustrated spy>

coffetofunction Fri 07-Mar-14 20:06:14

I asked my DH & he thinks either he's planning a special surprise & is planning to use your friends to put it into action or he's playing away...

Thought you might like a mans opinion on it wine

whattoWHO Fri 07-Mar-14 20:49:05

If it were me, I know I wouldn't be able to keep quiet for 2 weeks, so I'd question him about it now.

ThePartyArtist Fri 07-Mar-14 22:16:56

Thanks all- well I went with my instincts and am happy I did. .. Not only because he confirmed he IS taking me away, but also because I am now saved from his plan to wake me up on the day & tell me the taxi will be here in 15 mins! That would have been a relaxing start to a romantic weekend!
Thanks everyone for helping!

CashmereHoodlum Fri 07-Mar-14 22:21:56

Glad it was good news. Sorry if I alarmed you.

WeeClype Fri 07-Mar-14 22:25:20

That's great news smile

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Sat 08-Mar-14 07:42:48

I think you should ltb anyway, 15 mins to get up and pack ridiculous

sebsmummy1 Sat 08-Mar-14 07:44:34

Oh god that's GREAT news, bless you for having a lovely bloke and trusting your instincts. Have a lovely weekend away xxxx

nauticant Sat 08-Mar-14 07:54:14

Great news. But you should still LTB over the grumble mag.

Dillydollydaydream Sat 08-Mar-14 08:26:31

Ah glad it was ok in the end. Now at least you have more than 15mins to get yourself ready!
15 mins?!

antiabz Sat 08-Mar-14 08:35:59

Ah good a happy ending smile

ThePartyArtist Sat 08-Mar-14 10:09:12

I know it's utterly ridiculous! What's LTB by the way?

kelper Sat 08-Mar-14 10:11:26

aww, thats lovely! I'm amazed he thought 15 minutes was enough time to get up and pack though!

WipsGlitter Sat 08-Mar-14 10:13:46

Leave the Bastard.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 08-Mar-14 10:16:37

He thought that you could pack and go in 15 minutes?
HAHAHAHAHA!
lovely thought but oh my god. 15 minutes? shower, get dressed and pack?
Or was he planning on packing for you?

ThePartyArtist Sat 08-Mar-14 10:56:28

I know , crazy! And he knows I'm the type to make a packing list!

vikkik888 Sat 08-Mar-14 11:41:35

I knew it smile

CMP69 Sat 08-Mar-14 11:47:59

He probably thinks it a good hiding place, assuming the mag has been there for a while. I would leave them both and wait for the weekend away surprise (hopefully)

CMP69 Sat 08-Mar-14 11:52:50

Just read the full thread. Enjoy your weekend grin

OnlyLovers Sat 08-Mar-14 14:18:27

Wahey! Have a marvellous weekend.

MightBe Mon 24-Mar-14 05:44:57

Aaaaah
Lovely

ThePartyArtist Mon 31-Mar-14 16:47:57

Just to report I have had the weekend away which was beyond wonderful... and have returned with a beautiful engagement ring on my finger!

Trumpton Mon 31-Mar-14 17:03:57

Ah sweet ! I love a happy story !

BillyBanter Mon 31-Mar-14 17:16:40

Yay!

Congratulations. smile

moonblues Mon 31-Mar-14 17:18:29

Congratulations!

BranchingOut Tue 01-Apr-14 08:19:03

Oh my word, that is the best ending ever to an 'I've found something suspicious...' thread!

FuckingFuck Tue 01-Apr-14 08:33:32

Just read whole thread. Congratulations!!! What a lovely ending!

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