If someone told you your DH had an affair?

(58 Posts)
WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 15:58:35

If you had no indication of it, had no reason to suspect it, and the info came from someone known to lie, had a known agenda to cause trouble and had already tried to cause serious trouble for other family members, by lying.

A family member by marriage living in another country has just done this. Her agenda is largely around causing significant problems for her ex-DH who is related to DH and an attempt to stop a family trip from happening. She had already tried other things to stop it happening but was unsuccessful. She has chucked this in at the last minute, knowing if it were believe, it would ruin the trip. It allegedly happened during a trip abroad that DH went on with her, her exh (his brother) and she claims the affair happened with a friend of hers, 18 months ago.

My first reaction was that she was lying to cause trouble. DH denied it. He assured me he did not, would not. It is his word against hers as it happened at a time when I was not with him for two weeks and my experience suggests that as he is my DH and is not known to lie and i trust him, vs her already established reputation as being a someone not to be crossed if she is hurt (even prior to their very unamicable split) I am inclined to believe him. And of course, I absolutely want to believe him and I have no reason to doubt him, he has never been unfaithful in our relationship before, has been away from me before and it has never crossed my mind he would be.

What would you do? Leave it? Try to find out more info? She has not given me info, but said there are photos and I should ask her friend. My BIL said she is just trying to cause trouble, but of course he is going to say that! But, as I said, she has a very recent history of causing trouble and being very nasty due to their bad split, and before that, so it's not like she is someone of good behaviour who is usually lovely.

I would like to let it go. Would you? Could you? Should I?

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:04:38

We had a brief conversation about it if you can call it that. I told her I was still going on this trip and that I was sorry her relationship ended so badly but was quite sad she wanted to destroy ours too. I think she was drunk when she sent me the email(s) due to the times they were sent from abroad, and she has not sent any more since that brief exchange.

Buzzardbird Sun 05-Jan-14 16:05:30

In my case (as I must stress I mean MY case) I would ask her to prove it. Obviously you know her better and have an idea it is all made up. If you can live with leaving it there the I would do so.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:06

buzzard I am not sure I want her to prove it. Is that wrong?

I suspect she is lying. But what it it's wrong. Do people really lie like that? About that kind of thing, to hurt others? I have not even done anything to her, she has told me this to get at her ex-DH, to ruin his trip to UK with her DS as she could not stop him from taking their DS on this trip.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:08:45

'what if it's wrong' that should read.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 05-Jan-14 16:09:55

I would definitely ask her for proof, but even if it were true there probably wouldn't be any proof to be seen.
I would take it with a pinch of salt, or even call her bluff and say that dh had come clean about it some time ago and you'd moved on from this a long time ago. grin

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:11:43

she told me the morning of the day family from across the continents were due to meet, just before we met. Knowing that, if i addressed this, if I believed her, all hell could potentially let lose and the trip would be horrendous for her ex and she would be proven vindicated that the trip was a bad idea. I didn't let that happen.

But, the accusation still sits there. It's really unsettled me despite me siding with DH.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:12:47

morethan I was tempted to say to her that he had confessed, that I was devastated, etc etc, to see how she handled this, but, really, I don't want to play games and just can't bear to converse with her.

TheBookofRuth Sun 05-Jan-14 16:13:10

I wouldn't believe it, and I'd defend my DH (and my marriage) to her. But I trust my DH absolutely, and he's never given me any reason not to.

yegodsandlittlefishes Sun 05-Jan-14 16:13:13

Ask to see the photos and talk to the friend, ideally on Skype face to dace so you know it is her.

Or just believe your husband. It depends...There are a couple of people I know who lie like this and I really wouldn't bother to give them the satisfaction of following it up. It can cause difficulties between you and your husband if he sees you need him to prove his innocence etc.

Just take it slowly and don't do/say anything rash.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:15:29

I had actually told her that his trip was an unusual trip which brought him experiences and a lifestyle that was not his usual family life, what might have happened over there was not for me to be involved in. I didn't want her to think I was bothered either way enough for her to get to me. But, if were actually true, I am not really sure I would really feel this way.

TheBookofRuth Sun 05-Jan-14 16:15:39

Try to look at it the other way, how would you feel if this accusation had been made, falsely, about you, and your DH took the word of a known liar with an axe to grind over yours?

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:19:33

thebook that is how I feel. I trust DH. And I have told her so. I have said to her that our relationship is solid and I was sorry that her relationship had ended so badly, but please kindly stop trying to do the same to ours, as we are stronger than that. I have reminded her that, should I be inclined to beleive her, had she considered the absolute destruction this could cause to a family, to our young children, just so she could get one up on her xdh? I asked her to think about that. She has not replied since that post.

I have spoken with DH about it, I showed him the email straight away, with no accusations, I didn't ask if it were true, he told me it wasn't true. I have told him that I believe him. I have no reason not to. I have just never encountered anything like this before and I have largely ignored it for the week of our family trip, but it is still there in the back of my mind. Not that I don't believe him, but that it has been chucked into the mix.

Timetoask Sun 05-Jan-14 16:24:24

I would leave it. If she ever contacts you again, tell her your marriage is strong and to please not contact you about this again. Don't allow her to plant a suspicious seed in you. Some people are horrible!

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:24:36

yego that is what I am thinking. Digging for more info suggests I don't trust him to be truthful to me. But, then I have been wondering, does blind trust exist with everyone? should it? or should I be questioning more? I mean, men do lie, and even relationships that appear to be solid and completely based on trust have ended due to a partner being unfaithful, so it does happen. I just don't believe it has happened to me. Or is it that I don't want to believe it?

<sigh> I guess these are the things that are sent to test us. We have had our relationship tested hugely over the last years, but not relating to trust, more to do with disability occurring and pressure that has brought, we have got through those things, and other difficult patches, because we trust each other and can rely on each other.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:27:03

time I guess I have been very lucky with friends and family, despite there being some horrible situations and conflict, I have never, ever, come across someone lying in this way and I guess that is why I have questioned, because I have never experienced someone playing out their dramas so publicly, and with such a destructive intent. I guess I just struggle to believe that a woman would be so vile to another woman who she had got on relatively well with and that is where the seed has been planted, so so much disbelief of DH being honest, but that someone could lie in this way.

ajandjjmum Sun 05-Jan-14 16:29:54

Can you not say 'you are a proven liar, and I will not believe you until I am given absolute proof. I love and trust my DH totally'.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:30:19

thebook if this accusation had been made against me, I would be fucking furious, I would be making contact with that person and asking her what the fuck she thinks she is doing/he is doing. DH is not angry, has not made contact with the person in question, and has asked me to block her email so she can't make more nasty comments. I have said that if and when I chose to block her email it will be because I want to. He was a bit cross that I would not refuse to contact her again, I said that I am an adult and I would decide if I entered into any future contact with her regarding this, he could not insist I didn't contact her again.

But, yes if it were on the other foot, I would be steaming angry.

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 16:31:15

It is times like that that people who have been holding secrets let them out of the bag. I was very upset about my exh having an affair and his parents not believing me, so I told them about their other children who had had affairs over the years. I had said nothing at the time for peace, they annoyed me by not believing me, so I gave details about the others affairs so they would believe me. I wish I hadn't done that now, they showed their true loyalty and it was with their adult son, I should have known.

Having said that there are a lot of liars out there, and she could be making it up.

If I were you I would go with your gut instinct and believe who ever of the two of them I trusted to tell the truth.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:32:31

aj I think I will say something along those lines to her, if she makes contact again.

I am erring on the side of ignoring her until she makes contact again, I am sure she will at some point. Unless I do block her email.

PiratePanda Sun 05-Jan-14 16:35:11

Call her bluff. "Yes, I know all about it - we've recently decided to have an open marriage" - and see what her reaction is? Though that would open you up to more gossip I guess.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 16:37:06

pharoah well I married DH and I love him and have never had any reason to not trust him. He told me he didn't and I have no reason to not believe him. She has a history of being dishonest and trying to hurt people. So my instincts say believe him because I know him. But, many people who have a partner cheat on them believe them at first, many of those are married...

ok, I am off to check on the roast chicken. If I don't come back straight away, I have not done a runner, just busy for a time grin I am also going to hide this thread, as I don't want DH to read it just yet. Or my nosey DD...

Timetoask Sun 05-Jan-14 16:37:09

Pharaoh, why did you get the other children involved in your business? Not a nice thing to do.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sun 05-Jan-14 16:38:04

Id say send me the photos or fuck off.

I wouldnt trust god almighty 100%, much less a human being. But anyone who wants to make a claim like that has the responsibility of proving it.

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 16:42:33

Hang on the history of lying, is that to you or is it her exh that says she is a liar and trouble maker? If she is a prove liar to you then don't trust her. Just because someone is a drama lama does not make them a liar.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 17:03:34

She has never lied to me, she had lied in relation to other situations, and recalled them to me, although I guess it would be more manipulation to get her own way that outright lies like this. However, there have been problems with her lying about other family members, some of which I can't say are true or not but have been denied, some seem very far fetched and a couple are clear lies. Nothing like this though that I can tell.

her Ex-DH (BIL) has not outright called her a liar. About this or anything else. Although he is certainly not nice about her. PIL have. They have also bore the brunt of some very very nasty behaviour from her which has resulted in restraining order being taken out to stop her contacting them. Not so much lies, but really unpleasant things being said. I am fully aware that I am only getting their side of the story and there is clearly much much more going on in the family dynamics on their side than I am privy to. But, it's not involving me. I have never engaged in any slagging matches, I have been polite and kind to her, and I have even not got angry at her at this accusation although I told her I was inclined to not believe her.

These family members all live in another country, so it's not something I am involved in on a day to day basis. This accusation was made on the day of a family gathering involving family members from both countries when we all got together for the first and possibly last time as a whole family.

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 17:06:56

I would avoid the lot of them if I were you, they all sound drama lama's. You know sometimes there are misunderstandings, and misinterpretations of what people say, that then gets put down to lies, keep that in mind.

What she has said about this affair, has to be one of the other, truth or lies.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 17:07:08

My life is usually so much more simple than this! DH and my arguments tend to be centred around who is cooking, what we are doing for the family day out. I am not saying our relationship is perfect, we have had some rough times, but also some great times and we are strong.

I feel like I have entered into some kind of TV soap grin

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 17:08:38

Look you both seem to love each other, do you need to know either way?

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 17:08:51

pharaoh yes, I know, and I think that is my problem. Either I dig to find out if truth or lie, or let it go. I am not sure anything good is going to come of digging - if it's the truth, do I want to know? <that's bad I know> and if not the truth, it's going to rock our relationship in a very bad way.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 17:09:20

that's my question really!

PharaohQueen Sun 05-Jan-14 17:11:09

Only you can answer it. If he is respectful, loving and you are both happy I would be inclined to leave it and get on with the marriage personally.

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:21:04

op what kind of trip was it?

I'd be hopping mad if some one accused me . I wouldn't be able to let it rest !

Tinkertaylor1 Sun 05-Jan-14 17:22:49

How long ago was it? What would you do if something had happened ? If you would work through it, don't bother finding out . It would have to contact the other woman - after the trip,.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 05-Jan-14 17:23:02

What I would do now is wait. She sounds horrendous so by you not rising to her bait she will be incensed. The ball is in her court and she will thwack the bugger back by sending the photos, if they exist. Wait for the post for a goodly few days now and if nothing arrives, there is nothing to worry about. Sorry you have this person in your life Whatwould.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 20:18:43

tinker it allegedly happened 18 months ago. Dh was in another country working for his brother on an entertainment event. Following the finishing and wind down of the event they went to a lovely island, him his BIL, BIL's now ex-DW and some friends, to 'de-stress'. He basically had a ball. And it was during this island vacation that he allegedly had an affair with friend of now ex SIL.

I was told about it one week ago, the day of a family gathering, the morning we were travelling from one end of the country to another to meet them from their planes abroad (big family event). I was told in a single line (well two lines) email initially. followed by 'sad, but true'. So a deep cleansing of her soul and helping me...

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Sun 05-Jan-14 20:30:49

dinnae you have got her spot on. She is notoriously eager for a fight, always has been, always made it clear she will stamp on anyone who pisses her off, and I can imagine her being furious she has not succeeded in getting her own way with this. I am in fact surprised she has stopped emailing and it has gone quiet. Which makes me wonder if BIL has said something to her. They are in the middle of a very ugly custody/access battle, in another country and each is keeping score.

I shall sit for now and wait. Yes. Good idea.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 00:08:06

What is your husband saying now after an initial denial ?

Is he losing sleep, worrying, picking over details, second-guessing himself, demanding that this woman and her friend he allegedly shagged put their money where their mouth is ?

I would want some more action from him, in your situation

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:53:49

anyfucker he initially said he was going to contact her and give her a piece of his mind, but then said he didn't want to speak to her as she was so horrible. He is happy to just let it go and not talk about it again. He is not losing sleep, worrying or acting weirdly, he continues to vehemently deny it, but also he is not making a huge deal about it. He has not brought it up himself, but will talk about it if I bring it up. Which, tbh I have not really done a huge amount, as what more is there to say? He said there are no photos as nothing happened. He said he did not behave inappropriately in any way which could be misconstrued as an affair through photos, ie skinny dipping when drunk, or having a snog with someone. he remains clear on his stance.

Not acting weirdly, apart from one thing. As soon as his DB arrived at where we stayed, he and his brother went out for a 'chat' and went to the pub (they had not spoken of the accusation before this, as brother was flying at the time and we were then travelling to where we stayed). However, his brother doesn't smoke according to the parents and they are very disapproving of the fact he might, he spent all trip pretending to go to the shops etc so he could smoke. He had travelled with his parents from other side of the world and I suspect was desperate for a cigerette, and put it down to that and the fact his brother likes a drink or two. But, when they returned, it had clearly been talked about as BIL said 'i hear you have had interesting emails from xx'. It was impossible to discuss further than a quick mention of how she was causing trouble for several family members and trying to ruin the trip as there were many of us there and i didn't want it to be a huge deal over the holiday for the others, (including his own child). I did have a worry that they were 'getting their stories straight' but DH said they just wanted to catch up. That is the only odd thing about it all, as they had all week to do that, and did. But, his family behave oddly like that anyway, having 'secret meetings' with the lads to discuss football and such.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:57:45

and the other woman, there is no contact from her. She has not said anything to me. She has been named by SIL and allegedly has photos.

She is on his FB page, but there is no reason for her not to be. He knows her from the trip, they all had a great time, and joined FB friends as he did with others from the trip. He has not kept that a secret, he never made a point of either talking about her, or not talking about her following the trip. She has been spoken about in the same way as other people who went on the trip. She lives abroad and I do not know her other than that she is (was?) a good friend of xSIL and they used to be joined at the hip.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:59:04

I asked him why he was not angry actually. He said what is the point. he has done nothing wrong so why should he be angry at her, which is what she wants. I have thought he should be more angry. As I said, i would be furious and I would not let it drop until I had said my bit to the accuser.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 08:59:26

ok, I will be quiet all day, as off to work!

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 06-Jan-14 09:15:31

I always loved the late Paula Yates response when an excited reporter ran up to tell her about some compromising pics had come out of Bob Geldof and a waitress (I think).

Her response , without breaking step : 'Ooh , I always knew he was a dirty bastard'.

You could say something similar like a breezy 'Ooh did he really, the little bugger (or whatever). grin

Notawordfromtheladybird Mon 06-Jan-14 09:15:53

I wouldn't believe a word this woman said. From her timings, it's clearly a clumsy attempt to put a spanner in the works. The fact that PILs were able to get a restraining order against her should tell you the police agreed she was harassing them.

Odd that you have doubts about your husband based on what a bitter ex says. It reads like you have had doubts, period and any wild accusation was going to make these come to surface.hmm

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 06-Jan-14 09:16:58

That sort of response does a shit-stirrers head in completely. Gives them nowhere to go.

livinginthechickendrumsticks Mon 06-Jan-14 09:17:59

I'd be more worried if he was acting tetchy and bothered if I were you. His reaction,would be very similar to my DH's. He would tell me that he hasn't done anything wrong, so doesn't have anything to apologize over. I also see the pulling DBIL aside as an opportunity to tell DBIL to shut his ex up.

sunshine401 Mon 06-Jan-14 09:20:53

I'm sorry but my dh would be speaking to her in front of myself. He would not let any accusation as big as that alone because it is something that he knows would devastate me. Even though we trust each other completely and have been together for such a long time. It would not just be left. She cannot go around saying stuff like that and needs to be pulled up on her behaviour.

lougle Mon 06-Jan-14 09:37:10

I would laugh and tell her not to be so ridiculous. But that's because I completely trust my DH, both in his actions, his words and his convictions.

Plus, he's a terrible liar. I'd know immediately grin

PharaohQueen Mon 06-Jan-14 13:47:53

I would be concerned now OP. With you describing the bil as sneaking around and lying to his parents about smoking, and then his parents describing his exw as a liar hmm I think there is a lot more to all of this than meets the eye. As I say keep away from the lot of them, if you trust your DH then leave it at that

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 18:08:52

pharoah I understand why you think I should be concerned, and those thoughts have crossed my mind. But, his BIL is not him. he didn't grow up in the same environment as his BIL who grew up in a different continent (long story), his values, ideals, how we live our lives, what makes us tick, makes us happy, they are, and have always been so different to his BIL and that part of his family. They live a different world to us, so I don't think his BIL's sneaky behaviour is an indication of DHs behaviour, but he certainly has tried to pull DH into that behaviour by encouraging sneakiness. He clearly feels this is usual behaviour.

notaword I don't think it's unusual to question things when someone tell you them. I would be foolish I think to at least not have a conversation with DH about this, and to have blind faith with no reassurance, so yes, there was a seed of doubt. And I have addressed it I think. I don't think it means anything more sinister about our relationship. He has given no indication of being unfaithful in our 15 year relationship so far.

I have had another conversation with DH. it has been hard to talk without family or children around, so today we had a heart to heart. I asked him why he has not got angry (again), if he was intending to speak to ex SIL and find out what she is playing at, or contacting the other woman in question. He said the same thing again. He does not want to buy into her games, does not want her to have the satisfaction of thinking she has caused some trouble. He Says there is nothing to be gained from it. He has also promised me, again, that he did not have an affair, was not unfaithful then, or at any time in our relationship. He said he would not betray the trust we have in each other, and in the trust I placed allowing him to go on a trip abroad for two weeks with no questions or demands as I didn't need to, and is fully aware that if that trust was ever betrayed, it would never be got back and it would end our marriage, our family and he would never jeopardise that. He also said he doesn't want anyone other than me and that is why he married me. I can't really expect any more than that from him can I? He has not been agitated during this time, not stressed, just a conversation where he assured me that nothing had gone on, and I told him I believe him.

I said that I would consider contacting the woman in question as she has been badmouthed here and I would certainly want to know (and of course a little shitstirring of my own - I can't be all halo niceness about this can I wink and told her what her supposed or used-to-be best friend has been saying about her behaviour. DH said that he understands that I think she might want to know and hasn't attempted to stop me. He said he would do it if I wanted, as he knows her, I said that I would prefer to chuck that one into the mix. So I did. She has not replied and I don't care if she does to be honest. It was more of a cathartic move. She is not married (anymore) and has no children, so it's up to her how she plays it.

And I feel better. I have had my assurance from DH. I have told the accuser to take a hike. I have contacted the alleged OW and told her she has been badmouthed. I know think I am ready to just take this as it has come across - as malicious shit stirring - and put it out the door. I will never fully know for sure if anything went on, without a camera etc, and I am happy with DH's promises.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 18:18:34

You sound very level headed and have done right from the start of the thread. It's why I haven't been firing awkward questions at you because you have asked them for yourself.

I subscribe to the "never trust anyone 100%" philosophy too, so I can identify with your questions. At this point, I believe your H too (if that is worth anything to you at all smile )

lougle Mon 06-Jan-14 19:18:31

Well done, WhatWouldYouReallyDo. Completely the right decision.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Mon 06-Jan-14 19:43:57

lougle DH has a bad lying face too grin. His eyes sort of flit from one side of his head to the other when he is trying to act normally but caught at something. He knows I know this too and it makes it worse! Not that he lies about anything significant, but he has not always been honest about how much alcohol he has had to drink, or what time he got back from a friend's house. I watched his eyes closely during our conversations about this. He didn't try to avert his eyes. He didn't refuse my gaze, and he didn't look like action man.

I feel happier now I have some direction on how I am going with this, and some assurances that I am not necessarily a sap for not baking a huge fuss. And now that I have sounded my thoughts out and listened to your advice. I think, I feel relatively calm about it all, and that I trust my DH, but the doubts needing airing and I also felt that perhaps I was being a doormat by not going in guns blazing from the outset and demanding some evidence from either side so I am glad that trust is ok without proof sometimes.

Grumpasaurus Tue 07-Jan-14 22:38:56

OP can I just delurk a moment to express my respect for you?

If that same situation had happened to me, I would have lost my shit and destroyed the holiday for my husband and his family. I would have wanted her to pay, and I would have taken y husband through the wringer to prove without a doubt that she was lying!

And for what?! To get to exactly the point you are at, where you have been reassured that the love and trust you have in your husband is indeed warranted! You guys sound lovely and level headed, and I am so happy that you have just flicked away the annoying mosquito that she is instead of rising to her nonsense.

I really hope if my husband is ever called into question like this... And if your DH is anything like him, I would wager my life that he just wouldn't cheat on me,... I would hope that I can respond with as much dignity, grace, and conpassion. Well done.

scarletwitch Tue 14-Jan-14 11:31:49

I wouldn't give the woman the satisfaction of engagement. She is trying to cause problems and by you contacting her it's encouraging her, you trust your husband, she is a liar. Forget about it, block her email and have no more contact.

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 14-Jan-14 11:49:43

I would say thanks for letting me know that information and just leave it at that.

If someone else gave me a reason to distrust him after that then I would be very weary.

I'd be hurt that someone would be so mean to make up stuff like that though.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Wed 15-Jan-14 08:52:05

Sorry for silence. I had this on hidden, so didn't automatically pop up in my threads, and I had to namechange to come back and post so kept getting distracted.

So. I emailed this alleged other woman, as I said in a previous post. I have not been hanging out for a reply, DH and I have just carried on as normal. We have not spent hours regurgitating this, but neither have we avoided talking about it, so she has been mentioned in a conversation where we were talking about her exDH as that is DHs brother/my BIL, and it's no different than normal. So, again, nothing raises my suspicions. I am not expecting DH to remain continually denying the accusation, and neither is he feeling he must continually reassure me. So, that, in a way, reassures me!

So, back to that email. I have checked today, just because I am incredibly nosey more than anything and she has not replied. It seems from FB that the email has not been read though, so perhaps she is not a regular FB user. Or, maybe she saw who it was from (sent from DHs FB account) and chose not to read it. Who knows, but either way, no response.

re my exSIL, again, no further contact from her. Complete silence since my last email which I sent the day of the email from her. I guess she has seen that it has not disrupted the holiday as planned, that everyone had a good time, including her exDH and her DS and her attempts at being a bitch didn't work and that DH and I are not broken because of it.

gimme funnily I don't feel particularly hurt at her actions. I feel a bit weirded out I guess (a lot), but, it is not so far from the kind of behaviour that I expected from her, it didn't absolutely devastate me, and that has kind of surprised me. My initial gut feeling was 'oh you are pulling some shit to cause trouble', rather than 'oh no my DH has been unfaithful', I guess because of her character over the years I have known her, it doesn't seem completely far fetched for her to pull this kind of shit. Although, I did initially feel it so bizarre that a woman would do that to another woman. But, as I said before, she has always made it clear that if someone pisses her off, she does everything she can to destroy them, and doesn't care who gets hurt in the process and this is one of those situations. Annoyed I think more than anything, a little angry, but again, not as angry as I thought I would/should be. i guess I know that would give her some satisfaction.

So, this is done for now.

WhatWouldYouReallyDo Wed 15-Jan-14 08:54:51

scarlett you are absolutely right. I have no intention of contacting her again. No reason to. I will still be able to contact my niece and nephew via facetime etc when they are with my BIL, and that will probably be as often as we did anyway, every couple of months or so, that won't change (just to clarify as I didn't mention niece earlier - she didn't come on the holiday, unfortunately she is older, and has been caught up more horribly in the ugliness of their breakup and chose to stay with her mother)

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