Have you ever slapped your DH?

(129 Posts)
MrsW0931 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:33:16

and if you did, what was the reason and exaclty how did your boyfriend/husband react?

foslady Wed 04-Dec-13 22:54:09

I slapped my 1st xh once (when we were married). He was supposed to have finished work on time to take me to the dentist. I had to have a tooth drilled away, my gum cut open, a wisdom tooth extracted, the gum sewn up and the tooth back filled. The dentist started at 6 and finished at 7:30. I was in agony and was not allowed to drive. Xh still hadn't turned up at the dentist. The dental nurse drove me home and he'd just arrived home with a mate that had dropped a car off and then he had to drive him back. I was in agony. Almost in tears I asked he why he hadn't been there. He just told me to stop moaning, my mum had taken me up there and I was home now. We went into the kitchen and I put the kettle on. He kept on saying that I was being a drama queen (I wasn't, my mouth was a mess and I was off work for a week, on strong pain killers and had to ring in to the dentists so he could check I was ok). As I bent down to get the milk out of the fridge the pain hit as my head went down and I cried out. Again I was told to stop moaning. I stood up, turned round and slapped him across my face. I then cowered. He didn't hit back. And I was very upset that I'd lowered myself o that point and not just walked out.
A week later I found out from the friends mum that the friend had braced himself to beat shit out of xh if he'd laid a finger on me

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 12:52:29

thanks for sharing foslady, the reason i ask is because me and my DH had a huge argument which ended with me slapping him (which i now regret as my 2 children were present) but his response was to stand up ,threaten me not to EVER hit him again and then push me over (there was a toy box and kids drawing table behind me which i fell on and then on to the floor - all in front of the kids. I was horrified and couldnt believe my children had witnessed this and immediately proceeded to call my 5 year old back who had ran out of the room crying. to let them know i was ok.
After the argument blew down he was apologetic and said he only reacted that way because i hit him and asked me not to hit him again and I know now that i never should have hit him but now cant stop from thinking that a man should never be aggressive to a woman no matter what she does and he was. the anger in his reaction was scary to see. I dont want to be in an aggressive relationship and i will never let my kids witness that again as i will make sure i never retaliate to him infront of them but am i stupid for accepting his apology and moving on from this or am i just as bad as him?

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 12:53:22

ps what happened with you and your husband? - from your first line i presume you are no longer married?

RayPurchase Thu 05-Dec-13 12:57:33

Tbh, I think he was justified in pushing you away - you slapped him. If he had punched/ slapped you back then it would be different IMO. Why is it ok for you to hit him but not ok for him to react to it?

TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 05-Dec-13 12:59:24

It was a horrible, traumatic thing for your children to witness and they will probably need a lot of reassurances from the both of you. Never, never argue in front of them again, it is so damaging but I think you know this.

I do believe you shouldn't have slapped him. What right have you to lay a finger on another person and not expect a retaliation. Both of you are in the wrong. Just because he is a man why should he have better control over his reactions than you?

You were both wrong to fight in front of the children. You now have work to do together to make sure it never happens again for both your sakes and especially your kids.

MrsBungleScare Thu 05-Dec-13 13:01:59

Having spent my childhood witnessing violence between my parents, you really really need to sort this out - both of you. Both of you were in the wrong, the affect on your kids will be devastating. In answer to your question, I've never hit dh and he's never hit me - the day either of those things happened, I'd assume our marriage would be over.

Of course men shouldn't be violent to women.

But women shouldn't be violent to men either. You cannot think that he should be able to control his emotions but it's acceptable for you to use violence in an argument.

Is this the first time this has happened? Is he normally aggressive? Or was this the first time?

Have you apologised for hitting him? You talk about accepting his apology, has he accepted yours?

I don't agree about not arguing in front of them, children need to learn how to disagree and that sometimes mummy and daddy disagree but it doesn't mean they don't love each other or them.

But physical violence is never the answer. Ever.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 13:09:29

"a man should never be aggressive to a woman no matter what she does"?

But it's OK for you to be aggressive to him?! hmm The double standards here are just breath-taking.

It sounds as if you both need to discuss anger management if you are unable to control your tempers to the extent that you have that fight in front of the kids.

TheBreastmilksOnMe Thu 05-Dec-13 13:22:11

Godrest but this wasnt a disagreement that was controlled and 'educational'! This was a full-on argument that probably involved lots of shouting which ended in both parents losing control of themselves and getting physical!

No child should have to witness their parents physically hurting one another.

Didn't I say that? No, I guess I didn't.

That's what I meant. I think even loud arguments are okay, actually. But the out of control hitting is not, for sure.

Well, no hitting is okay. But I don't think a child witnessing shouting is bad.

I am not saying this well at all. I'm very tired and I think I'll just leave it there.

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 13:31:07

No.
But if I had done, he'd have walked off. He might not have come back.
Physical violence is completely alien to him.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 05-Dec-13 13:38:29

I think you are as bad as he is tbh. Why the hell should he put up with violence from you in front of the children?

AdoraBell Thu 05-Dec-13 13:38:31

I haven't, but if I did I would fully expect him To stand up for himself and say what your DH said. I would be upset at the pushing, that was unecassary, but then so was hitting him in the first place.

Both of you were wrong. I would imagine his anger came from realising the person who claims To love him had just hit him.

Obviously that's my take on the situación, I don't know what you feel towards your DH, but I do not believe that people who actually love someone resort To violence against the person they love.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 13:38:38

No I have never hit DH, and he has never hit/shoved me. I haven't had a physical fight with anyone since I was a small child. This is not normal or acceptable adult behaviour, even when you're angry or upset.

I think you both need to have a good think about how you've ended up in a situation where you're being violent to each other, especially in front of your children, and where you go from here.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 13:43:19

Thanks for your messages, i am fully aware i shouldnt have slapped him so i take all the comments on board about this. i just wanted to get peoples views on his reaction - if you think well he just retaliated and i should accept that. or if he should have walked away and not pushed me as he is obviously a lot stronger than me - hes a foot taller and could over power me easily. i do not intimidate him at all and my slap probably didnt even hurt one bit. (please note here that i am not saying what i did was ok).

MugOnTheHead Thu 05-Dec-13 13:43:42

No but I did break a mug on his head. He started it.

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 05-Dec-13 13:44:12

I thinks it's abit concerning that you have established yourself as the "victim" in all this

Ifcatshadthumbs Thu 05-Dec-13 13:45:40

Ideally he should have walked away, ideally you should have not hit him. Your behaviour was equally bad. I don't understand why you feel his actions were somehow worse than yours

Doshusallie Thu 05-Dec-13 13:48:13

No. I think I would be the beginning of the end for us tbh. Believe me we have both felt like it I am sure, had raging arguments (in hindsight mainly due to sleep deprivation, resentment in the early baby years) but I know he would never hit me and I would never hit/slap him. Been married 13 years and together for 22.

DrankSangriaInThePark Thu 05-Dec-13 13:53:23

I did it once. To my shame. Not with dp. With someone else.

I did it in front of a bar full of people and the silence was deafening. To his eternal credit he simply walked away.

We sorted it out, but I was wrong wrong wrong to do it.

I don't think your husband should have retaliated the way he did. I think as pps have said, you both need a long good look at the relationship.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 13:54:31

I agree he should have walked away instead of pushing you. I don't blame him for being angry, though. You don't get to go around slapping people and then be all shocked and horrified when they get angry.

You both behaved badly here. You both need to have a think about how you're going to manage your anger and your disagreements in the future without things escalating into violence. Your victim mindset is not helping you here.

Nevercan Thu 05-Dec-13 14:11:28

What would you do if someone slapped you....?

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 14:14:13

yes, he's bigger and stronger than you. Presumably if he'd lost his control and slapped you back, the damage would have been considerable.
He pushed you away after you'd assaulted him.

Casmama Thu 05-Dec-13 14:16:37

I agree with cats- I don't know why you are acting like a victim.

If a little kid hit a bigger kid in the playground who then retaliated then you would think the little kid was a bit stupid for starting on the big kid and both kids were in the wrong. I don't see a difference here.

HotCrossPun Thu 05-Dec-13 14:17:41

No, never.

If I hit my DP or he hit me I don't see how our relationship could continue.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 14:23:00

You started it.

AdoraBell Thu 05-Dec-13 14:24:11

Your slap may not have hurt physically but have you given any thought To the emotional side of this.

The person who quite likey tells him that she loves him physically assulted him. That means that the actual physical paín is worse than it otherwise had been, had he been slapped by a random assailant.

If this were the other way round people would be telling you it's not "just a slap".

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:25:57

I dont understand what ive said to give off the victim impresison? ive openly said about 4 or 5 times that i know i shouldnt have hit him. but i didnt 'start on him' he obviously did something to cause me to hit him i wouldnt have lashed out for no reason.
My question was simply do you think a man is within his rights to push a woman after she slaps him for being disrespectful or should he have walked away?

Casmama Thu 05-Dec-13 14:30:23

"I didn't start on him he obviously did something to cause me to hit him"

No he didn't - you decided to hit him, he didn't cause it.

Reverse the situation here and see if you would question if you were wrong to push your husband if he had just slapped you.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 14:30:46

You started the physical stuff.

You haven't apologised to him either have you.

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 14:31:36

Most of us try and teach our children to walk away from a fight, or to shout instead of responding physically.
Why did you have an argument in front of your children? Why did you slap him instead of walking away?

Hollyandbooze Thu 05-Dec-13 14:32:42

Never. I would not and neither would he.

You need to learn to control yourself. He was within his rights to defend himself.

Hollyandbooze Thu 05-Dec-13 14:33:43

Oh and men are people. People should not have to put up with being slapped.

purplemurple1 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:35:30

I think we've covered you started it so can't really complain, personally I'd be OK if OH pushed me away and I happened to fall over the things behind me but if he forcefully pushed me over, i'd think it was out of order as a retaliation to a slap.

That would be similar for anyone tbh - if someone slapped me and it didn't really hurt I wouldn't hit them so hard as to force them to the ground but i sure as hell would push them away from me.

Only the 2 of you know which it was, although it sounds like the first.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:40:16

ok, i will ellaborate on what happened before i slapped him. he was trying to get something out of his wardrobe but some of my things were in the way. i was downstairs at the time but ran upstairs after hearing things crashing on the floor and him swearing to find all of my things thrown out into the landing simply because he had lost his patience. I responded by telling him to watch his langauge and pick up all of my stuff. He refused carrying on his search in the wardrobe and then saying abusive things to me, he then retaliated to me having a go at him for trashing our room just because he didnt have any patience by picking up my things and throwing them out of the window.
At this point i walked up to him after asking him to stop before hand and slapped him. then he responded by pushing me over as i already mentioned.

so - what should i have done, just let him destroy my things because he is too strong to physically take them from him before he throws them out of the window?

If it was the other way around, he would have just walked up to me and physically stopped me trashing his stuff. i couldnt do this.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 14:40:48

"she slaps him for being disrespectful"?

As others have said, reverse that situation. What would you expect us to say to a woman who was asking whether she was within her rights to push her husband after he slapped her for being disrespectful! Most of us would be outraged at the husband's behaviour, and that he was trying to use the 'she was asking for it' defence - but you seem to be claiming that your husband deserved to be hit?

I think people are saying you are playing the victim card because you want us to say that your husband behaved more badly than you because he's bigger than you. He didn't. You both behaved badly, you more so because you began the physical violence and you actually hit him, so were more violent than he was.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 14:41:50

I think most people have agreed he ideally should have walked away. Just like you should have walked away, if your anger was out of control, instead of slapping him. Adults should not be hitting or shoving each other, regardless of gender, especially not parents in front of their children.

I'm concerned you think he said or did something to 'cause' you to slap him. How does that work? Don't you have control over your own arm muscles?

Neitheronethingortheother Thu 05-Dec-13 14:42:28

I have had rows with dh before that ended up physical. Tbh there is normally really unacceptable behavior and words been thrown about before it escalates to that stage. You need clear boundaries put in place for way before it can get to that stage. At the first sign of disrespect someone needs to walk away and let things calm down until they can be discussed in a calmer state. I think once it goes to name calling or deliberate obstruction then you need to take time out and come back at it again. When you look at the behavior your dh was displaying before you hit him, what buttons was he pressing? what was he doing to make you feel so annoyed? you need to take responsibility for escalating the argument. If you had not hit him then it is unlikely that he would have responded in a physical manner. I know how it feels in the aftermath of something like this. You will both be drained emotionally, feeling immense guilt for allowing your children to witness it, hurt for what your partner has said and done to you, sorrow for what you have done (although that might come later), regret, fear that it could happen again etc.. try and work out the trigger for those head to head conflicts and put something in place that means it can never go there again.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:43:19

i slapped him and that was it, i backed off. he walked closer and then shouted in my face and forcefully pushed me backwards knowing i would fall over as the toys etc were right behind me.
It wasnt a push to stop me 'attacking' him as i simply slapped him and stepped back away from him.

Pancakeflipper Thu 05-Dec-13 14:44:37

My mother used to slap my dad in arguments. He never physically touched her and would just leave the house until calm.
One day he threw a Pyrex jug at her (at end of his tether, it missed but dont think he was actually aiming at her) in view of me and siblings. I was 5yrs old. I have never forgotten my terror and fear.

Please never do this in front of your children. Decades later its etched in my mind.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 14:44:48

OK - x-post.

There's a massive drip-feed if ever I saw one!

However, physical violence still not acceptable. You could have closed the window to stop him throwing your things out of it? Or walked away from the situation, taking the children with you, and waited for it and him to calm down before asking him what he thought he was doing and how he was going to put it right.

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 14:47:03

You shouldn't have hit him but he shouldn't have pushed you over, which was a much more serious attack and I don't give a crap if anyone calls it double standards. He wasn't defending himself, presumably he's bigger and stronger than you? If a man hits a woman back and hurts her then calls it self defence that's bollocks, it's not defence it's revenge. He should just walk away or do whatever he needs to do to defend himself.

peachactiviaminge Thu 05-Dec-13 14:47:31

You are victim blaming and need to stop normalising your violence towards your partner. You are lucky he's still with you, get to counselling and figure out if your relationship can be saved.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 14:48:15

I didn't start on him he obviously did something to cause me to hit him

If a man said that on here we we would say that he was an abusive twat and that it's never the woman's fault as the man should be able to control himself.

Your DH was justified here.

And actually, if my DP did this to me, in front of my children then I would leave him. No matter what is said, there is no need at all to show your children you acting like that.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 14:48:55

Just saw OP's latest post. Are you both 5 years old? Throwing things around in a tantrum, slapping and shoving each other? hmm

I feel sorry for your children, tbh.

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 14:49:22

Right cross posts. He's an abusive prick with anger management issues and he would be out on his arse if I was in this situation.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 14:49:33

Why shouldn't she just walk away instead of hitting him in the first place?

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:49:58

Thanks eitheronethingortheother, you pretty much hit the nail on the head and im greatful for your ability to stand back and see it from both sides of view.
I have gone through all of them emotions, iv sat and thought how can i stop myself reacting in that way - like you say what had he done to push my buttons and how can i stop it getting to that point? it all tends to happen in seconds and then after seems like a blur but i have been in a relationship with someone else for 7 years and never once slapped them - or any other man for that matter. He on the otherhand has had viloent arguments much more frequently than this in his previous relationship and its becuase when he gets wound up or angryhe just doesnt care who he upsets or what he says - throwing my stuff out the window, its my stuff he doesnt have the right to do that so how can i stand by and just let him?

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 14:51:25

She should but she didn't so being bigger and stronger he should. However OP I am not sure I wouldn't have lost it if some giant spoiled toddler was flinging my belongings out of the window. What a tool.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 14:51:30

You can phone the police if he does something like that! I think that would be the normal response, not to bloody hit him.

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 14:54:13

There are many reasons people don't phone the police though. I didn't because I had phoned them twice before and was told SS would become involved if they were called again, once you call them things are outside the home, it's an irrevocable step, though I do agree that's what the OP should have done.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 14:55:57

Sparkly The problem there though is that in those situations, there is a reason why SS would be involved.

A child should never have to see a parent hit the other (or anyone)

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 14:58:41

Thanks sparklysilversequins finally!

Jeez, its a slap to a bloke whos big and strong enough to protect himself against a 5ft4 9stone woman. if id have ran at him with a knife or a saucepan then fair enough. He was throwing my things out of the window - because i had a go at him for losing his patience. I could not get to the window as i would have had to push past him to do so and he probably would have pushed me away then he was so wound up.

I dont care what anyone says men and women are not equal when it comes to strength. and a man slapping a woman is no where near the same as a woman slapping a man.

I totally agree that i should not have physically hit him and i should have walked away however in the heat of the moment when hes made me so cross for disrespecting my property that is how i retaliated. It didnt hurt him, it was simply to shock him out of throwing my stuff out of the window.

NeoFaust Thu 05-Dec-13 14:59:52

Jeez, it's just stuff!

My mum once destroyed a £300 games console and my A level coursework, but I still didn't get physically violent towards her because at the end of the day love and respect are far more valuable.

TurnOffTheTv Thu 05-Dec-13 15:02:11

shock of course it's the same OP. It's physical violence that no person should be subjected to.

peachactiviaminge Thu 05-Dec-13 15:04:10

God, you are fucking pathetic. Just a slap? Tell that to the many many women abused by their partners who may well be smaller or weigh less than them. It is not a fucking excuse stop victim blaming. I really hope he sees sense and leaves this relationship.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 15:05:11

shock Shocked that you think it's okay to hit your DH because he's bigger than you!

Keep that in mind though, if you do it again he might just hit you back harder.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 15:06:05

Well said Peach.

And as has already been said, it's just stuff. Worth it for your children to see that for the sake of things?

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 15:06:34

So uv never slapped a man ever?

SnakeyMcBadass Thu 05-Dec-13 15:07:21

Yeah, your relationship sounds hideously dysfunctional. He's launching things out of windows and you're slapping him. Living your life like it's a Christmas episode of 'Eastenders' must be knackering. A line has been crossed. Time to do some serious thinking and consider whether you'd be better parents living apart, really.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 15:08:31

Yeah I have, my ex who hit me first (no children involved here as we were both teenagers).

I've never "slapped" (why not just say hit?) DP, I'd rather just leave. My kids matter to me far more than the relationship does.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 15:09:41

This has never happened before and we dont argue very often. I came on here to ask advice admitting my wrongs but it seems 90% of you dont have anything productive to say.

Im not argueing that what i did wasnt wrong.

NeoFaust Thu 05-Dec-13 15:10:55

No, you're just trying to argue that what he did was worse.

That's a piss poor method to assuage your own guilt.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 05-Dec-13 15:12:06

OP I think a push away would be attributed to a knee jerk reaction and just to get you out if his space as you had become physical.

Something like a punch in the face, would be inappropriate.

I can see your really upset the children witnessed this, but I'm afraid you both have to take responsibility for that, in an ideal world he would have just removed himself from the situation before he reacted, but he didn't.

sparklysilversequins Thu 05-Dec-13 15:12:33

Yes you're right SS should have been involved and were in the end but when you're in that situation you're not thinking straight. If you were it wouldn't be happening at all would it?

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 15:12:39

The problem is that your blaming him! Yes, he was acting like a right twat but you didn't need to hit him.

You also seemed to think that him pushing you in front of your children was worse, it wasn't because you started it.

Yes, he should have walked away but that doesn't make what you did okay.

peachactiviaminge Thu 05-Dec-13 15:13:22

No, not even when in the deepest darkest depths of a nervous breakdown both sleep deprived and throwing all sorts of insults at each other. There is no excuse for violence to someone you supposedly love or even someone you hate. Adults walk away then talk when both are calm, we all lose our tempers no one is perfect but you need never resort to violence in an argument.

SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus Thu 05-Dec-13 15:14:16

Sparkly I guess I understand that.

HaroldTheGoat Thu 05-Dec-13 15:16:12

Both of you should have walked away, you should have walked away from the angry argument rather than slapped him, and he should have walked away rather than push you. It's 50/50. I can see you were provoked but that wasn't reason enough to slap him.

What are you going to do now though, it's quite dangerous for you both that your arguments are getting physical, and you really need to both out a stop to it,

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 15:18:32

Maybe he could 'protect himself' against you. However, the point is that no one should have to protect themselves against their partner. It shouldn't even be an issue in a healthy relationship.

And no, I've never slapped a man, or a woman, ever (unless I maybe hit my mum when I was two or something, but certainly not as an adult!). The fact that you think that this is unusual or hard to believe says a lot.

This is not about gender, or about who has the 'right' to do what. It's about providing a stable and non-violent environment for your children to grow up in. You both need to grow up, get your anger under control, and start behaving like adults and parents.

Casmama Thu 05-Dec-13 15:37:06

OP you have clearly come on here to get people to agree with you that you did something slightly wrong because your husband drove you to it and then he completely overreacted and was abusive to you.

It's not really going your way is it?

Instead of continually defending yourself and trying to convince us why don't you take a step back and really focus on your part in this and what you can do to avoid a rerun.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 15:37:46

You have not apologised to him.

Do you ever apologise to anyone for anything?

I can't believe your saying that a woman hitting a man is never anywhere near as bad as a man hitting a woman OP. How do you feel about men then who are victims of DA? It sounds like you think that there is no way a man could be a victim of DA.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:00:16

Golddigger - Where did i say i hadnt apologised?

We both apologised.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:03:19

Because tbh i came here to see if my DH's reaction was normal or not - i admitted i was wrong so i dont expect to be called fucking pathetic. I wanted advice.

sebsmummy1 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:09:38

Actually I have some sympathy with your husband as I think when someone reacts with violence you can often retaliate by pushing without having the time to think. It can be totally knee jerk.

My father was violent towards me once and I pushed him so hard he nearly fell over. I also remember my mum slapping me round the face and again I pushed her across the room into a wall and then walked away.

Those things were done as an immediate reaction to the other person being aggressive to me.

In answer to your question no, I hVe never hit my partner and he has never hit me.

BusterKeaton Thu 05-Dec-13 16:11:42

You want some advice? Get some help before you end up on bail having been charged with assault.

Wolfiefan Thu 05-Dec-13 16:12:08

You hit him. It didn't hurt? Because of your height? You are so BU. He doesn't sound delightful and your relationship sounds disfunctional but you assaulted him.
I feel really sorry for the kids here.

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:15:04

i understand that, and it may have been that - a jerk reaction.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 16:16:05

I dont know if it was normal or not, never having hit my husband. And never having spoken to anyone who admits that they have.

I cant imagine any man being best pleased though hth.

gamerchick Thu 05-Dec-13 16:16:44

Advice?

Do your kids a favour and split up. The poor little buggers! trying to suss put if he's more in the wrong than you are? There are no words.. you were bang out of order for hitting him for something like that and if a man came on here saying his wife pushed him to it he would be slaughtered.

TurnOffTheTv Thu 05-Dec-13 16:20:00

No OP, 90% of people are saying stuff you just don't want to hear.

This relationship is clearly abusive. Women can often be violent towards abusive men when pushed to the limit. It isn't acceptable but it has a context.
OP, neither of your behaviour was acceptable. However was his behaviour part of a pattern at all?

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:21:25

you know, iv come on here twice to ask for advice. and twice ive had people who cant see anything from someone elses view insult me in return.
I thought this forum was to help people - not insult them.

You mostly have all just assumed things about the argument without asking - 'you didnt apologise' etc and assumed my dh was defending himself when he wasnt as i slapped him and stepped back (and he said himself it didnt hurt). I wasnt continuing to hit him so he wasnt 'defending himself'. I also said i shouldnt have hit him, especially infront of the kids but it all was so heat of the moment it happened so quickly. What im trying to do now is going forward figure out a way for us to react differently and stop arguments ever escalating like this one did.
We do have a happy relationship, this has never happened before - we dont argue infront of the children - apart from the odd dissagreement we all have but nothing aggressive in anyway.

I may as well end this conversation as i dont want to be attacked by people who dont know the whole story and dont seem interested in knowing before judging. But thanks to those who have contributed some useful advice.

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 16:21:38

And don't get confused - we do have productive things to say but they don't happen to agree with what you want to hear. So it would be more reasonable to say that 90% of us don't agree that you are the victim here rather than 90% of us don't have anything productive to say.

TurnOffTheTv Thu 05-Dec-13 16:23:08

I think it's pretty normal, as a knee jerk reaction, to lash out at someone after you've been hit in the face. I think you want everyone to feel sorry for you because you were pushed, but it was all of your own doing.

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Thu 05-Dec-13 16:24:08

MrsW - there is never an excuse to hit anyone. I don't care that he was throwing your stuff out of the window, that did not physically hurt you did it? Yes he was out of order in doing that, but your children were stood there and you calmly slapped him in front of them. Not in self defence.

If you had been throwing his stuff out of the window, would that have justified him slapping you? Is that ok?

You can't have one rule for one and another rule for another.

I don't care how big he is and how skinny you are; that's a pathetic excuse. Is it ok then for your kids to hit out at you when you lose your patience with them? Because that's the message you are giving out here, that it's fine to hit someone as long as they are bigger than you.

It's not.

Your children do not deserve either of you.

I suggest you both see a counsellor because you both stepped over the line there and that memory will stay with your children now forever.

Have you heard yourself? You are downplaying physical violence and telling anyone who does not also see you as a victim, that we are not saying anything helpful?

'i do not intimidate him at all and my slap probably didnt even hurt one bit'.

'he obviously did something to cause me to hit him'

' i simply slapped him'.

'Jeez, its a slap to a bloke whos big and strong enough to protect himself against a 5ft4 9stone woman. if id have ran at him with a knife or a saucepan then fair enough'.

'a man slapping a woman is no where near the same as a woman slapping a man'

'So uv never slapped a man ever?' Er, No. But my ex used to slap me and he used most of the excuses that you are trotting out. His favourite was 'its just a slap'.

You are in control of the situation. I'd have left him till he finished looking in the wardrobe then asked him to put it all back. Do you really want your kids to grow up thinking its ok for women to hit men?

LeBearPolar Thu 05-Dec-13 16:25:07

But your OP doesn't ask for advice on moving forward, reacting differently and stopping arguments escalating. You ask whether you have been stupid to accept his apology for pushing you. confused

Don't rewrite the thread retrospectively to support your conviction that we are being unreasonable!

MrsW0931 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:27:25

he wasnt 'looking in the wardobe' he was shouting, swearing and throwing my things - breakable things - across the room into the landing. If he was just 'looking in the wardrobe' there wouldnt have been an issue.

Sunflower49 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:29:45

I did it once. I won't go into detail because it would be boring for most other people.

He had done something incredibly stupid which had ongoing consequences for me, just because he was being an idiot-I know he didn't purposely MEAN to hurt me or cause such consequences (it was to do with work)!

But he didn't NOT do it on purpose either. I was so hurt and so angry with him for causing the situation for me , for behaving so stupidly!He admitted afterwards that it was a very stupid thing to do and that he understood totally why I was so angry and upset and hurt...We had a huge argument because I really for the first time ever thought that I would have to leave him over this incident if he could possibly be that stupid...and we'd had such a great relationship-I was more angry that he would chuck that away by just not thinking. And I slapped him during the argument. I was so shocked at myself that I fled the house and went to my friend's house. I came back hours later full of remorse and he said he was glad I slapped him I may have dwelled on this subject longer otherwise. We had a long talk during which we both apologised and agreed to work on our issues. Really no harm done-and I didn't HURT him , I didn't do it hard-but I accept this may be the exception rather than the rule. Generally I really do not think It's okay for people to physically hurt one another.

Ephiny Thu 05-Dec-13 16:36:46

Maybe you'd be better off starting a new thread (maybe in Relationships) to ask for help and advice, if that's genuinely what you want.

If you approach it with a different tone and attitude from the one you're displaying here, you might find you get a different type of response.

Weeantwee Thu 05-Dec-13 16:40:38

I had a moment a few days ago where I just wanted to leave the room because I felt myself getting worked up and prefer to remove myself from the situation, I can't remember what we were talking about. But DH wouldn't let me go, he was physically stopping me from leaving the room by holding me in his arms (like an annoying cuddle when you just want space) and I confess for a split second I did feel like lashing out but I didn't and I'm very glad I didn't. That's a line I don't wish to ever cross.

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Thu 05-Dec-13 16:42:35

MrsW can you not see that to slap your dh was inexcusable? He was not threatening you personally, he was not hitting you, he was not even touching you.

He lost his temper so you think that justifies you losing yours and hitting him?

In front of the kids?

From what you've said about it all happening so quickly, I think you have a bit of a problem controlling your temper. I can't see how this has only happened once. Both you and your husband have tempers that you seemingly cannot control, so I really do doubt that this is the only confrontation your children have seen.

It might be the first time you have hit him and the first time he's laid a hand on you (and he pushed you away, he actually had more control than you because he didn't hit back, he just pushed you away from him) but I suspect it may not be the last unless you do something now.

You both need to admit that you lost control.

When he started throwing your things out of the window you could have then turned around and led your children away because to be perfectly honest, my first thoughts would be; "oh my God, my kids are going to be scared." I would have then told him that I was calling the police. I wouldn't have done, but the threat of that might have made him stop.

I would then insist he go to counselling.

You lost any high ground when you slapped him.

Is this a memory you want etched into your children's minds? Because it has done. You should both be shocked by what you did and very ashamed. This should be the thing that propels you both to take action but you will only achieve that if you admit fault. You don't seem to want to admit fault, you seem insistent that he started it and you were justified. With that attitude you will not move forward and your relationship is doomed.

gamerchick Thu 05-Dec-13 16:42:39

Until you face the fact you were well out of line and are not a victim in this you're going to get nowhere.

YOU crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed ..YOU should have walked away and dealt with the situation differently simply because your kids were present. YOU should have been an adult about things even if your bloke wasn't at that moment.

So no you shouldn't have hit him.. even if he was breaking things.. things can be replaced.. The picture burnt onto your kids brains now can't be removed. Stop bloody thinking of yourself.

NigellasLeftNostril Thu 05-Dec-13 16:43:58

the thing is men are expected to be able to control themselves where women are not.
what does that suggest? that men are somehow superior to women?

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 16:47:26

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

I think you are both sorry, and you genuinely want to move on from this.

1. Accept that you were both wrong. And you especially because you started the physical stuff.
2. Accept that there is no reason whatsoever for getting physical with a man except as self defence.
3. Dont be afraid to say sorry again once more if necessary.
4. Slapping is not acceptable. Nor is man handling[whatever the woman equivalent is].

I think that you both need to forgive each other, and hopefully you can both move on from here. With no more violence from either of you ever again.

sebsmummy1 Thu 05-Dec-13 16:47:35

This scenario reminds me if old movies where the woman was forever slapping the man and the man would hold her wrists whilst she was in a state of hysteria.

Perhaps we still have this notion that it's somehow acceptable, even romantic for a woman to slap a man and the man should stoically stand there and do nothing.

Unfortunately real life doesn't happen like that and in the heat of the moment it sounds like you both attacked each other and obviously that can't happen again. Volatile relationships are rarely happy ones in my experience.

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell Thu 05-Dec-13 16:58:03

"YOU should have been an adult about things even if your bloke wasn't at that moment." - gamerchick.

This sums it up for me.

What is more precious? Your things which can be replaced or your children's memories and fear, which can't?

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry Thu 05-Dec-13 17:18:50

I do see OP's point that a big man hitting a small woman is potentially more dangerous/risky than the reverse - it's part of the argument against hitting children as well. But I also think it's irrelevant here.

I sometimes play-punch DH in the arm or chest in a "you are so infuriating" kind of way but since he is built like the proverbial shithouse a lot taller and broader than me, and I'm not actually putting any force into it, we both know it's a joke. He might play-retaliate by catching my wrists as per pp but as I say it's a game and we both know it is and each of us would be mortified if the other were actually hurt.

What concerns me about the situation in the OP isn't the physical actions exactly, but the reactions and thought processes - "disrespect", "you made me do it" and so on, on both sides. I would argue that those are the red flags and the disturbing/damaging things, rather than being physical with each other.

So, bearing in mind that we are a more physical couple than many on this thread, I still wouldn't expect to slap DH in an argument, and if I did I wouldn't expect to be shoved hard enough to fall down. And if either of those things did happen, we would be apologising and seeking help, not blaming each other.

Hope you can work things out, OP.

SilverApples Thu 05-Dec-13 17:59:13

Deck, I have a similar relationship with my son and my brother. But it's playing, messing around and general foolery.
DS enjoys the fact that he's bigger and stronger than me, but we've never hit each other in anger, or in lieu of walking away from an argument.

MostWicked Thu 05-Dec-13 18:18:47

Every single step in your description of the events, describes wholly unacceptable behaviour from both of you.
Every action and reaction from both of you was uncontrolled, disrespectful, rude and childish.
To try and suggest that he should put up with you hitting him because he is bigger than you, completely misses the point. Hitting someone is an act of abuse. So is throwing someone's stuff out of the window and pushing them over. Your children are witnessing you two abuse each other.
You both need to get control over your own behaviour and responses before you do any serious harm to each other or your children.

No, I have never hit my husband or any previous partner.

HyvaPaiva Thu 05-Dec-13 18:40:13

'I didn't start on him he obviously did something to cause me to hit him'

You were the one who chose to escalate a nasty, negative situation into violence.

You can't excuse and justify by saying 'obviously he caused me to hit him'. That's abusive. He did not cause you to hit him. You chose to hit him.

foslady Thu 05-Dec-13 20:03:56

I think for your children's sake BOTH of you need to step back and look at what is and isn't acceptable. Do you want your children to think that this ia s normal relationship.

Yes we did split, OP. And when I left, and we talked afterwards, one of the 1st things he said was 'I was out of order about the dentist's episode, wasn't I?'. His respect for me had gone and my love for him had died.

It still upsets me to think that we got to that stage.

ImaginativeNewName Thu 05-Dec-13 20:31:51

I once pushed DH to the chest mid argument and he punched a door in retaliation. We were very young and drunk and being drama queens at the time. I think our behaviour shocked us both as we were both from quite violent homes to start with and many years and two children later I can't remember a time where either of us has so much as raised our voice at the other (although of course we argue sometimes).

Where do you want to go from here op? You know it's not acceptable behaviour from either of you and it needs discussing at least.

mewmeow Sun 22-Dec-13 09:56:17

I once hit out at dp when I was pregnant and his automatic reaction was to kick me away in the stomach. It was just a reflex, and I was more in the wrong for not being able to control my hormones and starting the violence. I bet he felt miles worse though. sad

There was a couple of other incidents around that time when I sort of lunged during arguments and he over powered me in seconds. Think I learned he would always be stronger (& violence won't solve anything) as we haven't fought like that for 4 years.

MissWinter01 Mon 23-Dec-13 19:30:33

I once hit out at dp when I was pregnant and his automatic reaction was to kick me away in the stomach. It was just a reflex

Just a reflex?? Are you serious? I am not condoning what you did for one second because it is disgusting but his reflex is to kick his pregnant partner in the stomach and you say that like it's not a huge deal??

MostWicked Tue 24-Dec-13 14:07:57

I once hit out at dp when I was pregnant and his automatic reaction was to kick me away in the stomach. It was just a reflex, and I was more in the wrong for not being able to control my hormones and starting the violence. I bet he felt miles worse though.

There is so much wrong with that statement that I struggle to even know where to start.

mewmeow Tue 24-Dec-13 14:28:13

It was over 4 years ago and hasnt happened since. It was a hugely stressful time, and i know it was wrong, but it's not the worst thing that's ever happened in the world. I was sharing to reassure the OP that these things happen sometimes at its not necessarily the start of a pattern, but you go right ahead and judge me. I'm sure you've never done anything bad in your life.

BlessedAssurance Tue 24-Dec-13 14:30:02

mewmeow how you managed to not LTB is beyond me.

BlessedAssurance Tue 24-Dec-13 14:35:43

Not judging you by the way, more scared for you. Being kicked in the stomach when pregnant would be a good enough reason to pack my bags. I don't care how great the man is or how wonderful he might be. That would scare the daylights out of me. I have never hit anybody because fighting never ends well, but heck yes i have sure done some stupid things.

mewmeow Tue 24-Dec-13 14:38:03

Oh gawd, I've realised that makes him sound like a right arse. But it honestly was a reflex, I think it surprised him more than me (and I did start it!). He felt terrible, and I curled up and cried for hours worrying about the baby. Luckily she's fine, it was probably nowhere near hard enough to do anything, just a shock.

Follyfoot Tue 24-Dec-13 14:49:14

"My question was simply do you think a man is within his rights to push a woman after she slaps him for being disrespectful or should he have walked away?"

See you're asking the wrong question. The question should be:

"Is a person within their rights to slap or push another person?"

And the answer is no, unless they are acting in self defence, ie preventing a physical assault. I do think you need to see that and I'm not sure you do. You need to see that you were both behaving really badly, not just him.

Please dont let your children see this happen ever again. My Dad had a terrible temper and I can recall every incident - him throwing his dinner at the wall, pulling the phone cable out of the wall and so on, even though I was very small. It is terrifying seeing a parent lose control.

oohdaddypig Tue 24-Dec-13 14:49:15

I grew up with parents treating each other like this, regularly. My father once threw 20 plates against a wall in front of me. It's done irreparable harm to my brothers and I.

I beg you to refrain from these arguments in front of your kids. You will destroy them.

I am ashamed to say I did once slap my DH - not in front of the kids - DH just laughed. I was under immense stress at the time - DS was in hospital. If had pushed me, I would have had no issue with that as I started it.

I made the decision then never ever to lose it again. I think you should do the same.

mewmeow Tue 24-Dec-13 14:51:43

Oh ok. Sorry I flew off the handle there, I did get a bit defensive, I understand why people are reacting this way. If it was anyone else I'd probably say the same, but we made it threw it and honestly rarely even bicker any more. I think we've been lucky. For some people violence spirals. Just to reiterate for his sake though it was what I would class as self defence, just very unfortunate where it landed!

TheCrackFox Tue 24-Dec-13 14:54:26

I think when a relationship has reached the stage where things are being thrown out of the window and there is slapping and shoving then it has run its course. Your relationship sounds toxic and it would be best for your children if you separated. TBH the pair of you also need to go on anger management courses as you both had toddler tantrums today and you should have grown out that decades ago.

ImAnElfJeSuisUneElf Tue 24-Dec-13 15:00:46

Early in our relationship DP decided to hide behind a door, jump out and scare me - it worked, I was genuinely terrified and I smacked him, but I was protecting myself, it was instinct, it's not necessarily rational.

This is two grown ups choosing to behave this way in front of children. You're both out of order, and there's no excuse, no matter how much you ask randoms on the net.

mumtosome61 Tue 24-Dec-13 15:04:40

I have hit OH; twice. Each time he was keeping me against my will in the bedroom so I didn't run out of the house in wild panic/mental confusion. I felt trapped and I lashed out - I was wrong, but he was wrong to trap me (it is a trigger of mine).

I have always said to OH that no matter what, if I hit him he has every reason to hit me. I do not condone any violence, no matter that my rare angry displays are provoked by mental state. My OH knows I don't mean to do it, but that my illness is not an excuse.

Just because you are a woman does not exempt you and although I hate physical abuse, your husband pushed you away from him because you slapped him. If a man came on here with the same story, he would be flamed until next century. There really shouldn't be any allowances made.

CoffeeQueen187 Tue 24-Dec-13 15:05:49

I've slapped 2 of my ex's.

1st one was because he said he wished me and DS (his son!) got hot hit by a bus! My friend put me over his shoulder and ran off with me before I totally battered my ex. He's lucky he just got a slap. He rang the police and I got a caution for assault.

2nd one was because he said it was my fault my mum died when I was 10. He said I'd caused her that much stress I caused her to have a stroke (we only met when I was 20). Again, he rang the police. But after I'd explained why I slapped him they just put it down as a domestic and left it at that.

Both of these ex's were abusive and violent, both occasions were the first and last time I'd hit back and they didn't like it. Wankers!

AmberLeaf Tue 24-Dec-13 15:19:00

you are in the wrong for hitting him whatever reasons you give to justify it.

if you were a man posting you'd have your arse on a plate by now.

This thread is a perfect example of the double standards you get on here with men/women.

Pixieonline Wed 01-Jan-14 09:54:50

Hmm yes, I have slapped my dh and he slapped me straight back. Big shock to me.... I was absolutely devastated and also of the belief a man should never ever raise his hand to a woman. Took me a long time to work through my feelings about it because we were newly married and I couldn't help wondering what I'd gotten myself into.

But, we were both so upset that it had happened that 10 years down the line neither of us will ever do it again, and if I have so be brutally honest, I think I may have found another occasion to slap him if he didn't react.

sykadelic15 Wed 01-Jan-14 22:48:13

I flicked my exbf in the arm once while we were joking around, he flicked me in the head, HARD, in retaliation with this cold mean look on his face. It was at that time I realised he had the potential to be a real physical danger to me (he was already emotionally abusive). I resolved to never "hit" him again, even as a joke, because I didn't want to risk pushing that button.

I would NEVER slap my DH because it's extremely bad and would signal a change in our relationship that we couldn't get past. Doesn't matter that it might not hurt him, it's a huge sign of disrespect. Not only would he would have done something bad enough for me to slap him (or I would be irrational enough to consider it bad enough), but I would have actually been physically aggressive towards him. That's a sign there's something seriously wrong with your relationship.

In your case: He was angry. He was destructive. He was disrespectful of your stuff. You slapped him. He pushed you. Neither of you was hurt but your stuff was damaged.

You know you shouldn't have slapped him and you've said it several times. He shouldn't have pushed you either but you're wrong in thinking it's worse because of his size. Your size compared to his is irrelevant. Had he slapped you it would most likely be a different response to this thread though.

Ignoring the physical violence, you know there's something wrong in your relationship. His behaviour prior to the violent altercation is what I would be worried about and what I think you should seek counseling for. It was that behaviour that made you think slapping him was your "only option". And you need to investigate why you think slapping WAS your only option.

BIWI Wed 01-Jan-14 22:56:00

Whether you are male or female has absolutely nothing to do with it. You don't resort to physical violence at all.

Stop trying to say you are in some way excused because you're shorter and lighter than him.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle Wed 01-Jan-14 23:12:28

Your attitude is awful.

Turn the tables - if a female friend said to you that her DP had slapped her infront of her children and had told her it was her fault because she'd annoyed him you'd be pointing her in the direction of the police.

You've somehow tried to justify yourself, turned the tables and become the victim.

One side of the story - maybe he was pisssed off that your stuff was crammed in the wardrobe, maybe he's asked you before to sort it out.....

You had no right to hit him. He had every right to react by pushing you away. Would you really want your children to see that they can hit someone with no consequence?

sarahquilt Sun 05-Jan-14 13:11:01

It doesn't matter how small you are, you shouldn't have hit him. I would've reacted like he did.

scarletwitch Tue 14-Jan-14 11:16:44

I am amazed that you think you are the victim here, you can't slap people and expect them just to stand there and take it. He wasn't right to push you but it was in resonse to your assault and to behave like that in front of your children is a disgrace.

GoldenGytha Sat 22-Feb-14 20:16:43

I hit XH once, but it was after years of emotional abuse which had turned into physical (from him) He was being horrible to me that morning shouting "Arse, arse, fat sluggy cow" doing an exaggerated walk and saying "Only time you clean this kitchen floor is when your huge arse trails along it, you're a fat sluggy arse" He then threw the remains of his cup of tea in DD2's face. I snapped and slapped him more than once. It's not something I've ever been proud of, but it was done after extreme provocation and many years of emotional abuse.

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