Letting DD Visit Oman. Or not.

(38 Posts)
WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 14:40:13

I need some advice and any experience would be welcome please. I have nc as a precaution.
DD is almost 7. Her father has never lived with us and we split after he cheated. We had a 4 year relationship which ended when DD was 22 months.

Ex retired from his UK career a few (4) years ago and since then has worked in Oman. He has not seen DD for 3 years and hasn't even spoken to her since then and he hadn't seen or spoken to her for almost 18 months prior to that. So as you can see, DD doesn't really know him, though she does tell me she loves him and draws pictures of him with us in a family scene! I don't bad mouth him to her or in front of her and of course, she doesn't know my feelings about him and she's never asked.

Anyway! Ex in the past, has by email asked me about DD visiting him in Oman (with me), but he did not even mention my eldest child, not that that is relevant really. I ignored that question and he hadn't brought it up again until now. Here's a C&P of the last line of his email: "Take care and tell DD i love her. Id like you to consider letting her come over here for a visit...."
My reply to that was "To be honest, I'm not convinced that visiting you over there is the best idea, but I will give it some thought."
His answer to that came to me yesterday: "Why is it that visiting me over here wouldnt be a good idea? And for who? The opportunity to see a new place, culture, people, different place (s) different things.......It may be that she could actually like to see these things."
The entire email came across as angry and rather 'in my face' and as yet, I haven't replied.

I'm sure some of you will think me a paranoid and selfish person, but after what he did and how he did it, he is not the person I thought he was and if you ask me if I trust him, the answer is no I don't; I doubt I'd even trust him to visit her without me in this country for fear he'd take her away.
He is charming and manipulative and I am worried that if I go over there with DD that my rights in that country will be nil and I feel that I might well end up coming home without DD and totally against my wishes...

I'm not sure that anything anyone says will make me feel differently, but I'd welcome thoughts, experience and advice. I've never been to that part of the world, so have no first hand experience of it.

Thanks if you've got to the end....<dons hard hat and flame retardant suit>

Of course you shouldn't let her go if you have any concerns he wouldn't let her come back.

If he was keen to visit her he would have done it by now.

CircassianLeyla Fri 08-Nov-13 14:43:40

Gosh... I would say no, but I realise it may not be that easy. I don't have any useful advice but wanted to keep you in active feed.

Leopoldina Fri 08-Nov-13 14:44:44

There's no way a six year old can fly that distance alone to go and stay wtih a person she barely knows and probably won't even recognise. Oman / its culture etc are marvellous, but he can send you a ticket as well if he wants her to go there. No way on earth I'd let her go alone to stay with someone who is to all intents & purposes a genetically connected stranger to her. One you don't trust.

LittleBairn Fri 08-Nov-13 14:49:12

I wouldn't, it wouldn't be an easy country to have DD returned if he declined to give her back. Maybe a bit different legally if he is still a British citizen.

Plus he doesn't even have a relationship with her that alone would mean no from me. He is a stranger to your DD, I would imagine she would be uncomfortable with the situation too.
He would at least need to show commitment for a long time before hand with regular phone calls and visits to the UK before I would consider allowing her to go.

bundaberg Fri 08-Nov-13 14:49:25

i think he's suggesting that the OP take her over.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for her to visit her father, I expect in time it would be good for them to have a relationship?

it really depends on if you can afford to go, and whether you all want to take time out of your lives to do it.
I can't imagine any reason why you would have no rights over there or why he would be able to keep her there... especially if you weren't married and he has no proof that the child is his?

what makes you think he would take her away?

bundaberg Fri 08-Nov-13 14:49:59

but yes, would agree that it makes more sense for him to visit her over here to start with.

have you asked him why the sudden interest?

qazxc Fri 08-Nov-13 14:53:08

No way. Even if it wasn't abroad. She doesn't know him and he doesn't know her; you have no idea what his parenting style would be or if he is up to the job at all. If he is that concerned about seeing his child he should start with regular contact with both of you, then supervised visits (here) then maybe once you are happy build up to him taking her out for the day, etc...

LittleBairn Fri 08-Nov-13 14:53:15

bund this is a father that can't even be bothered to pick up the phone to speak to his child, why should the OP go out of her way to facilitate contact when he can't make even a basic effort.

Even of the OP was to go with the child that still makes her and her DD vulnerable to the law and the fact its not part of the Hauge Convention should he decide to keep his DD.

WaitingForMe Fri 08-Nov-13 14:53:25

His reasons are good and are why we take children travelling.

However, I would be very uncomfortable on the basis of the fact he has no relationship with his daughter. A trip to Oman would be a fairy tale. One which she would come crashing down from. Let her father come see her, let him Skype her twice a week and prove himself to be a father, then consider his suggestion.

bundaberg Fri 08-Nov-13 14:54:33

"why should the OP go out of her way to facilitate contact when he can't make even a basic effort"

for her daughter?

i'm not saying it's fair. but one day she's going to ask why she never saw her dad. personally i'd like to think, in that situation, i could honestly say i'd done everything I could to facilitate it.

bundaberg Fri 08-Nov-13 14:54:59

and I did also say that I agreed it would be far better if he came over here to see her

Clutterbugsmum Fri 08-Nov-13 14:55:29

For me it's less about your dd going to Oman and more about the fact he does not have any sort relationship with her, she is a stranger to her.

I would ignore him, but if you must reply tell him you will think about it one the understanding that he makes the effort to build a relationship with her at her home are where she is confident and comfortable. He needs to phone/skype her weekly and visit her here at least once/twice a year for a good couple/three years.

Timetoask Fri 08-Nov-13 14:56:14

No, I wouldn't.
I would be very worried about going to an arab country were woman are second class citizens. Specially as you don't trust him.

I would tell him that if he wishes to start a relationship with his child, he is most welcome to come to the UK on a regular basis and spend time with her.

JanineStHubbins Fri 08-Nov-13 14:56:16

If he hasn't seen the child in almost 5 years, then it's totally out of the question that she visit him in Oman.

Ehhn Fri 08-Nov-13 15:02:17

Thought this was going to be about "how safe Is Oman" - lovely country, lovely people. But having read your thread, I definitely think you should not send your daughter over to a man who has shown so little interest until now. Oman is a great country, but outside of the EU you could have some major issues legally/politically about getting your child back.

If you go with her, that'd be ok. And you'd have an amazing time in a beautiful country!

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:03:10

Yes, he probably means for me to take her. I couldn't afford it myself, no. He'd probably pay for us to go over, but then would he expect me to pay for my hotel? spending money? I have no money and what about my eldest? couldn't leave home alone and I'm a lone parent. Heck, none of us even have passports as I couldn't afford the renewals!

Can't really tell you why I think he'd take her....call it a gut feeling.

I'm now as happy as I'm ever going to be for him to build a relationship with her, but not out of the UK.
I don't believe women have many rights over there. I have no idea if he's decided to become a citizen over there. I keep thinking about that poor woman that had her children taken from her by her husband in that region. I know Ex is British, but he's a cunning and educated man and if he wanted to do something like that, he'd go to any lengths to do so.

DD's birth cert proves she's his in legal terms.

MistressDeeCee Fri 08-Nov-13 15:03:32

I feel as if Im somehow being stereotypical here...in that Im thinking 'oh no its middle east, he's going to keep DD there*. He is her father, and he may just want to establish a bond with his DD and isnt planning anything untoward at all. But in reality, I agree 100% with Timetoask

FunnyRunner Fri 08-Nov-13 15:05:28

I wouldn't even contemplate it.

hermioneweasley Fri 08-Nov-13 15:07:09

Agree with TimeToAsk

And ALWAYS listen to your instincts.

No fucking way, evenif you go with her. Once you set foot there your rights are zero.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 08-Nov-13 15:08:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BusterKeaton Fri 08-Nov-13 15:08:34
WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:09:47

That's my thought too hermione

I know he will make this all very difficult for me. His way of punishing me is to stop paying maintenance. He's done it twice before.

dyslexicdespot Fri 08-Nov-13 15:09:47

I agree with FunnyRunner.

ChippingInBatshitArse Fri 08-Nov-13 15:10:54

Not A Single Hope In Hell.

If he wants to spend time with her he can come here. End of.

You would have NO rights there, none. You would be mad.

ChippingInBatshitArse Fri 08-Nov-13 15:12:12

It would cost you a lot more to try getting her back from Oman than whatever you would lose in maintenance sad

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:14:08

shock Buster thank you for that. It kind of makes the decision doesn't it. If he gets nasty about any decision I come to against his wishes, I'll send him that (which will anger him all the more and he'll be very angry that I could even think he'd do such a thing. I can't win can I?!

School run, will be back tonight.

Thank you all!

Grennie Fri 08-Nov-13 15:15:39

Ask him to come here.

I have read too many horror stories of mums in similar situations who spend years trying to get their children back. Even if you travel over with her, he may be legally able to prevent you taking your child out the country again.

Slainte Fri 08-Nov-13 15:16:09

Exactly what Chipping said and always listen to your gut instinct.

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 15:16:28

Chipping I have PM'd you.

Leopoldina Fri 08-Nov-13 15:16:40

this thread is making me wonder about the girl who was considering going to the US to give birth to be near the one night stand father, & how that one turned out.

Slainte Fri 08-Nov-13 16:54:13

I remember that one Leopoldina - how did it end?

Slainte Fri 08-Nov-13 16:54:31

Sorry for derailment OP.

WhatSayYou Fri 08-Nov-13 23:23:28

How did it turn out?

WhatSayYou Wed 13-Nov-13 13:25:47

Just wondering a couple of things...

What would you tell your child?

Ex wants to Skype with DD and I know that he'll probably be trying to engage with her about going over there. I haven't said anything to her about anything because A, I don't want to poison her against him well, I do, but I wont IYSWIM and B, I in her innocence, she'd probably let the cat out of the bag 'mummy says you might keep me if she brings me to visit you' kind of thing.

Also, what should I tell him as he'll want an answer? <sigh>

Middleagedmotheroftwo Wed 13-Nov-13 13:29:43

If he loves her so much, he should come to her. It would be cheaper anyway than flying you both to Oman.

I agree that Oman would be an interesting experience for her - but when she's a teenager, not now, when she's 6.

WhatSayYou Wed 13-Nov-13 13:42:16

I think so too. I can't understand why it's so important to him that she go there unless it is to attempt to keep her sad

NotALondoner Wed 13-Nov-13 14:00:18

With regards to the American birth thing, the last I read was that she had flown over and been let in, so that's that really. Poor woman.

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