in this situation?

(108 Posts)

It's my dad's significant birthday in a few weeks. Mum and dad have booked a restaurant near them for a big family party. DH and I went with them a number of years ago, and DH was quite ill afterwards, not been since. We didn't mention it to either them or the restarurant at the time, which I now regret.
DH says he's not going. Parents are a bit irritated. Is there any compromise here?

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 19:43:23

Yes.

Your husband should go the party.

I presume he is blaming his "illness" on the food at that particular restaurant ?

Well, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't

But this isn't his choice

LadyMaryQuiteContrary Sun 14-Apr-13 19:44:22

Has it changed ownership since then? It was a number of years ago, his reluctance to go is understandable but they will have different management/chef/staff/hygiene by now.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 14-Apr-13 19:44:29

Yes. He can pick something like pasta and tomato sauce if he's worried.

May well be different management, chef etc anyway.

Well he is, and he backs it up by the fact that the toilet he visited was in a grim state from someone who had also been ill sad
Why isn't it his choice though?
(Although I do agree and tbh am irritated at being in the middle, having to placate him, and deal with my mum's irritation)

AuntieStella Sun 14-Apr-13 19:45:05

No, and your DH is being an arse if he's connecting an illness to a specific establishment unless it was actually investigated and shown to be the place of infection. It could have been anything else he ate or touched in a 48 hour or so window.

And as the event was years ago, the staff would all have changed anyhow.

So he's making feeble excuses. Any ideas why?

No, not changed ownership

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 19:46:51

spb, wwid ?

I would tell my H to suck it up

it's one night, a special occasion

I would say "look dude, it's actually not about you ..."

Auntie, they may sound like feeble excuses but tbh this is why. He is always bloody ill. But in his defence he doesn't make excuses to get out of seeing family - his or mine, and he genuinely likes my parents and spending time with them. But once he has something like this in his head he will not be reasoned with.

HoneyDragon Sun 14-Apr-13 19:47:12

Have you told your parents why he is reluctant to go?

Does he not care that his resal to attend is upsetting EVERYBODY else?

AF and he'd counter that with "well so you're happy for me/us all to get ill again?"

HoneyDragon Sun 14-Apr-13 19:47:50

Refusal, sorry.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 19:48:08

spb, I would reply with "get a fucking grip" tbqh

Can you go for a meal, or even just a drink, to check it out - he could order something cheap and if he doesn't like the look of it, leave it and just get a bag of chips on the way home.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 19:49:54

and wasn't it just him that got ill last time ?

and he has form for being a hypochondriac, "getting ill" quite often ?

the other "compromise" I suppose is for you to refuse to discuss it any further

you and dc's are going, he can choose to swerve it if he likes

but you will make it clear you will be telling people it's because he is acting like a baby

lastnightidreamt Sun 14-Apr-13 19:51:08

If the person who had made the mess in the loo had been poisoned there, it would have been a pretty quick reaction!

Isn't it more likely he picked up the bug from the loo and it was a one-off?

Look on trip advisor to reassure him it's not a common occurrence.

I think he should just go.

Floggingmolly Sun 14-Apr-13 19:51:10

It was a couple of years ago. If they poisoned people on a regular basis they'd have been closed down by now.

tbh he probably will go
and it will be shit for me

TippiShagpile Sun 14-Apr-13 19:54:13

If he's always getting ill (grrr...) then he'll get ill whether he goes or not.

He can choose the veggie option and wash his hands after he goes to the loo (and take along some anti bacteria gel) and that will cut down the risk of him being ill.

He has to get over this I'm afraid or he'll ruin things for your parents (and you)

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 19:57:57

he will moan all the way through the evening ?

spoiling it for you

in that case, I suggest you follow the approach I outlined in my last post

tell him not to bother, go yourself and have a lovely time

but make sure your family know what a dick he is being

No he won't moan. But my family will know he doesn't want to be there iykwim. And I will feel guilty if he so much as burps in the following week. His parents are going - ill let him explain to them why he's not there.
My poor dad has been through so much recently. Ill be there with the kids and with a load of balloons.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Sun 14-Apr-13 20:05:15

Have you tried looking at the Foods Standards Agency website to see what star rating their kitchens have? Here

"and he has form for being a hypochondriac, "getting ill" quite often ?"

Huh. Don't even know where to start with this one.
Thank you all for being nice to me, I was worried I was going to get flamed.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 14-Apr-13 20:07:02

If he genuinely believes it's a dangerous place to eat, why hasn't he suggested a change of venue for everyone's sake?

Hell I don't thi k he'd let evidence get in the way of his single piece of anecdotal evidence

mum47 Sun 14-Apr-13 20:09:07

Why not have a fly look on Trip Advisor to see what reviews the place has, if they re good then show them to him.

Doctrine I suspect because he knows no ne will listen. My parents go to this place regularly. Tbh I don't like it but its for my dads birthday.

TippiShagpile Sun 14-Apr-13 20:10:07

I think you ought to leave him at home with a bit of dried toast. You and the dc should go out, make a fuss of your parents and have a lovely time.

It's not about him, it's about your parents so go without him.

And enjoy it.

HoneyDragon Sun 14-Apr-13 20:10:42

I don't think you deserve a flaming SPB, but maybe some larger boots for butt kicking purposes grin

Go and enjoy. If dh doesn't go and you ll get ill then he will be well enough to mop up wink

That's the thing though tippi. This isn't about him being a party pooper. In discussions we've had recently he's talked about throwing a surprise party for my dad, or taking all close family out for a meal. While he can be an antisocial bit at times, he's not like that with family. He would usually be second in the line to make a fuss of my dad. But not this time.

Trills Sun 14-Apr-13 20:14:08

I can see why your parents would be irritated.

You know what? He'll probably decide to come, but then be too ill on the day...

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:15:28

Hmm.
Tricky.
I can both sides here.
Food poisoning is grim sad
But your dad likes this place and goes regularly.
I would suggest that possibly your dh caught noro from said grim toilet?
Does that make sense?
ESP if no one else in the party was ill?
In these situations (manky eatery) I tend to order the blandest, most boring thing on the menu (pasta and sauce etc) and no pud.
Perhaps that would be a compromise your dh could cope with?

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:15:46

(And lots of alcohol to kill e germs obv) smile

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:16:08

Is this place in notts?
I wonder if I know it......

No it's not but we are visiting soon so pls let us know where to avoid smile
It isn't grim though. I don't like it but it's popular and well rated. It's just dh who thinks it's dirty

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:19:00

Well, if I were your dh, I would make sure not to use the toilets whilst there, order bland food, make pleasant conversation and go home.
I am sure he could do that.

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:19:35

I hear good things about sat bains btw...

What are the chances of him getting food poisoning if that's what it was hmm, again, many years later?? Probably zilch, either tell him to man up or stay home!

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 20:20:47

spb, I am at a loss as to why you would be flamed

your H's arse, btw, should be burning right around now

and I am not talking about the food poisoning ring of fire wink

Hmm yes. But I'm sure he'd come back with an argument about the ppl in the kitchens using those toilets.
Or say "ok ill risk it then"
I'd really just be better off without him

Trills Sun 14-Apr-13 20:21:00

Your parents are probably either annoyed that:

a - (if they think your Dh is a reasonable person) he didn't mention it at the time so they would know not to visit that same place again

or

b - (if they think your DH is not a reasonable person) he is making a massive fuss over something that it is too late to change, when he is often ill so can't even be sure that it was related to the restaurant

What is sat bains?

Yes I know that and am inclined to agree with them. Question is what do I do.

I thought I'd have been told off for not notifying environmental health at the time and for expecting dh to risk his health for the sake of keeping up appearances.

Or

I thought I'd be told to lt malingering b

Which I suppose I have
L t malingering b at home with a slice of dry toast

foryonisonly Sun 14-Apr-13 20:32:20

Sat Bains id a chef with a restaurant in Nottm.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 20:35:10

you don't need to leave the malingering bastard (unless you want to, of course)

but you do need to call his bluff and not allow him to spoil your own enjoyment of the celebration

and if that necessitates telling him to stay at home with some dry toast, then so be it

Actually no, I'm not telling him anything unless he asks. I've told mum and she's counting him out. He can tell his parents, unless they ask me directly. I'm not having this argument again with him, on the day ill just go.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 20:39:25

Good for you

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:39:44

Yes, sorry, it's a restaurant.
If he has form for this (being difficult and/or spoiling family occasions) then go in your own with the dc?
If he has a valid medical complaint (does he?) then dont force him to go.
Just go without him and enjoy yourself.
Don't let him play the martyr card.

lastnightidreamt Sun 14-Apr-13 20:39:49

Sat Bains is a bit Heston Blumenthal - depends if that's your sort of thing or not!

Life is too short for this shit

I googled sat bins, looks good but we aren't really going anywhere near. I didn't know if it was your way of subtly dropping a hint, but it seems though it is genuinely nice

Badvoc Sun 14-Apr-13 20:43:19

I have just heard very good things about it and thought your dh wouldn't be able to complain about it! smile
I would love to go.
And yes, life is too short.
Have a lovely time x

Ha! If he's in a complaining mood he'd manage smile

lottiegarbanzo Sun 14-Apr-13 20:54:08

He's being riduculous (if the place had a record of poisoning people it would have been shut down, made to improve or closed through loss of custom) but it sounds as though you'll have a nicer time without him. If he does go, you must prioritise having a nice time yourself over pandering to his obsession. Hope you enjoy yourself!

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 14-Apr-13 20:54:23

Is he most likely to

a. go with but poke at his food suspiciously putting everyone else off their food?

or

b. plan to go but worry himself into green faced misery the morning of the event then have to cry off at the last minute?

Actually, in either case just leave him at home but make sure there is nothing to eat but dog biscuits (buy them in if you need to!).

Lol at dog biscuits. Unfortunately he can phone a takeaway shop

Hassled Sun 14-Apr-13 20:59:48

Is he a bit phobic about D&V? I mean I know none of us exactly welcome it with open arms, but it's a lot harder for some people to cope with. Is it actually anxiety about the risk of possibly having D&V, if you see what I mean?

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 14-Apr-13 21:00:15

Not if you accidentally take his wallet with you!

Well he has plenty of practice hassled. No, I don't think he's any more bothered than average about d and v.
What do I say when we're all tucking into our meals and great aunt Sylvia asks where he is?

lottiegarbanzo Sun 14-Apr-13 21:10:47

If he's not going, he has to provide the excuse. Otherwise you think of an embarrasing one and assure him you'll tell people that.

lottiegarbanzo Sun 14-Apr-13 21:20:34

But really, I do think he needs to stop being such a silly billy and recognise than when we become grown ups, we sometimes have to do things we don't like, for the benefit of other people.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 21:31:50

"Well, Great Aunt Sylvia, thanks for asking but it's like this. My husband prefers to cut off his nose to spite his face. I have no idea why. Hopefully one day he will discover A Grip. Until then, how are your bunions coming along...?"

Yes, agree. But I'm not responsible for his behaviour or decisions. Fast coming to realise that

lottiegarbanzo Sun 14-Apr-13 21:38:56

I'd go for, lowered voice, 'men's troubles. He went to see the doctor yesterday and he's feeling a little bit uncomfortable... down there.' Conspiratorial nod.

Unless you have very uninhibited aunts, I don't think that line of discussion will be progressing further.

AnyFucker Sun 14-Apr-13 21:43:32

grin

oh thatis evil smile
I think DH is coming to the conclusion he should get a grip and go.
I'm not sure what would be best tbh

Urgh sick of this fight

Just told him that people don't tend to miss their wife's fathers birthday unless there are significant problems in the marriage, and anything I say to 'explain' will sound like a weak excuse.

So bloody annoyed with I now. I won't be seeking one out but if a divorce lawyer knocked at the door right now I'd consider it

If he genuinely had a bad D&V experience that he believes originated from there then I can understand why he would be anxious about going back - and anxiety can often result in an upset stomach anyway so it is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I haven't dared to go back to Alton Towers, put it that way grin Or indeed France (less rational).

^ ^ That's the benefit of the doubt. His feelings could be genuinely deep seated.

On the other hand, it is a royal pain dealing with someone whose dietary preferences/needs cut out places or events you'd prefer to try. If he has form for making things all about him then I can see why you'd feel less tolerant.

I'm torn. I think in general adults should "man up" for this kind of event, and it would be the height of rudeness to go but fuss about the food once there. If he does go, he acts like an adult. If he doesn't go, all you need to say to enquiries is "he isn't well today".

Lol. He doesn't have dietary stuff but I do feel he's always ill. But then he says not. Don't know what to think tbh. He's now saying he will come. So why did he absolutely put his foot down yesterday and I had to call and upset my mum.
Don't think I'm thinking about this clearly any more. All tied up with other stuff. I need a break from it all

Oh now I've been speaking to dad and am in floods of tears again. It shouldn't be this hard for them t buy us a meal for his birthday

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:05:36

Look, stealth.
Just go.
Enjoy yourself.
Let your dh do what he wants.
Do not make excuses for him.
I think there must be more to this tbh.....
Are you ok?

Not right at the moment, no

When you say don't make excuses, seriously, what do I say when people ask where he is? Sorry

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 14:13:39

Stealth, it's 100% okay to tell other people H isn't there because he's a big baby and thinks the restaurant makes him ill.

Other people realise he isn't surgically attached to you. Just say "I tried, but he's stubborn like that."

He sounds like very hard work ... sad

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 14:15:45

By now I would have told him he's NOT coming anyway, what with all the faffing about and whingeing!

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:25:55

Me too, garlicyoni.

Stealth, draw a line under this sorry incident because it's not worth your upset. Tell him he's not coming, and that when people ask where he is you'll just say he's come down with a bug.

Was just hoping to avoid polite chit chat on the subject of d and v over a lovely shellfish starter grin

But half of them will know I am lying. The other half will suspect we are splitting up. And does he fucking care?

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:28:26

And you're not unreasonable to nurture that hope! Which can be achieved by leaving DH at home and telling everyone he's come down with a chest bug. No need to mention D&V at all.

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:29:40

Why will they know you're lying? I would absolutely take you at face value.

And sod 'em if they thing you're splitting - time will show them they're wrong.

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:35:55

No need to mention d&v!
Say he didnt want to come and change the subject.
Please dont let it spoil your day.
Perhaps a family member you trust could make it known before hand that your dh doesnt want to go and that you are upset and would prefer not to talk about it on the day?
Is that an option?

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:37:42

Also, just to add...dh and I often go to events on our own...I am going away for 3 days to ireland in 2 weeks for example!
It doesnt "mean" anything other than we enjoy time spent apart occasionally.

No I agree, in general. But I can't see how not going to your fils sixtieth birthday - the fil you've up till that point got on very well with and who has been very kind and generous to you - can be seen as anything but a snub, unless you are literally bed bound.

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:39:32

Now that really would make me think they were splitting up!

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:40:21

You seem to care a lot about how other people percieve you and your life.
I just dont give a crappity crap so its easier for me smile
Seriously, you need to be asking yourself why this is upsetting you so much.
Go to your dads party. Have a nice time. Come home.
x

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:40:24

That was to Badvoc, BTW.

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:42:48

Yes, I get that.
But, honestly?
You cannot force an adult to do anything they dont want to do.
If he went it would probably spoil it for you now anyway.
So what if people think you are splitting up?
You arent.
So it doesnt matter what they think!!

......................

Or are you?
Is that what this is about?
Why on earth would you think people would jump to that conclusion!?

Voodika Mon 15-Apr-13 14:44:13

Why don't you and the children go and say DH is at home ill ( which sounds likely) then everyone will be happy?

Badvoc Mon 15-Apr-13 14:44:45

Sorry cinnabar, x posts!
My going away you mean, or someone having a quiet word?
I think I see what you mean with the latter idea, but just trying to think of a way stealth could go and enjoy herself without fending off endless questions.
I am worried about you now stealth sad

Lol at "which sounds likely" whatever gave you that impression? grin
I don't know. I really haven't got a clue.

CinnabarRed Mon 15-Apr-13 14:52:54

Someone having a quiet word - that would prick my ears up a treat nosy old gimmer than I am.

Hence saying that he's poorly. And, thinking about it further, make it something irritating and infectious but not debilitating - so he's doing everyone a selfless favour by not turning up!

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 15:20:40

Stealth. I luffs you. I'm sure most people do! Just tell 'em he's being a twit and you're looking forward to having a nice celebration, whinge-free. They'll get it smile

Lol. Nasty case of twititis. Symptoms- acting drunk, falling asleep, throwing food. They'll be glad he's at home

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 15:34:30

May I be the first to say LTB? Get Daddy to take you & DC home with them! You can be his surprise birthday present grin

Glad your twititis immunity seems up to date.

AnyFucker Mon 15-Apr-13 17:43:03

SPB, you are tying yourself in knots (and going to make yourself ill at this rate) trying to protect this man

Simply stop doing it

Let him feel the consequences of his own actions

I think, like a spoiled 3yo....this is exactly what he needs (and has been missing for a long time, because you cover for him?)

He's not a child, he is a grown man. Let him explain his thought processes. Stop covering up for him.

NigellaLawless Mon 15-Apr-13 18:56:09

If this was my DH I would be mad as hell at him as i would think its incredibley rude and disrespectful to my father. However I certainly wouldn't lie for him. I would simply tell anyone who asked why he's not there. I would make it clear that I don't think the d&v came from the restaurant but that DH is a stubborn fool (
So as not to ruin the.meal for everyone else)

I'm sorry you are so upset about this. Your dad's 60th should be a really happy time! I hope you can put dhs stupidity to one side and enjoy yourself smile

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 20:34:09

<applauds AnyFucker>

DorisIsWaiting Mon 15-Apr-13 21:16:28

The only thing you need to tell opthers is the TRUTH!

He was ill after coming here YEARS ago, and was being a big baby about coming back. No further comment required.

StealthOfficialCrispTester Mon 15-Apr-13 21:18:06

Does that not invite comment or argument though? I don't want to cover up for him, I just want an answer ti the inevitable questions that doesn't talk about D&V, and doesn't start with me airing my marriage's faults at a celebratory dinner.
Maybe I could say hed been picked by NASA to go into space.

I don't think so.

"He really doesn't like it here and is being a baby about it, so we came without him." They might think it is an odd situation, but their eyebrow raising will be directed at him, not you.

AnyFucker Mon 15-Apr-13 21:53:14

This is not your marriage's fault, love

It's his fault, and his alone

Haven't you got that yet ? < note to self, must try harder >

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 15-Apr-13 21:55:36

Can he ring your parents and tell them? And ring his parents and tell them?

garlicyoni Mon 15-Apr-13 23:17:07

Stealth, my XH1 used to do this. Not exactly the same (he wouldn't have bothered with the 'traumatised by suspected food poisoning' bit) but was a right prima donna. After a while I stopped giving up my lovely dinners with friends & family on his whim. I just told people I'd be coming by myself and, when they asked what was up with him, said "He says he doesn't want to come. I do, though!"

If anybody wanted to make a thing out of it, I refused to make excuses for him - which he'd have preferred, obv - and told them to ask him themselves if they must, but as far as I was concerned it was sorted.

Sometimes people would say it seemed odd, and try to poke around a bit, but actually it was none of their business. I just made a big, airy joke out of his preciousness smile 'Twas fine.

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