5 year old (very naughty) boy was smacked by another parent at a party...WWYD?

(58 Posts)
ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 21:26:46

I was at a party at the weekend and there was a boy there, age 5, who was whacking everyone with an inflatable sword. I mean absolutely WHACKING the other kids, many smaller than him and also girls. He was making many of them cry because of his behaviour. This boy is in my sons class at school and he is constantly in trouble, I've seen him push kids over in the playground, throw stones at people etc.

His mum or dad weren't at the party, the mum dropped him off and left. The parent of the birthday boy finally had enough of the boys behaviour and after he whacked yet another person in the face and made them cry, he went over and smacked him on the bottom. Me and another women saw it and we just looked at each other and pretended we hadn't seen it. It wasn't a hard smack and TBH I don't think the parent was particularly out of order given what the boy was doing. Although I wouldn't have smacked him but would have had some very stern words instead. The boy didn't seem too bothered about the smack.

I think the wee boy needs far more discipline given his behaviour but I was also a bit shock to see another parent (who didn't know him) smack him at the party.

WWYD in such a situation?

QOD Mon 25-Feb-13 21:30:34

Hmmm

Dunno

Feel secretly pleased probably whilst knowing it was well out of order ...

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 25-Feb-13 21:31:09

I would have removed the sword from the child the MINUTE he whacked someone. And not given it back. Any more naughtiness and I would have removed said child from the party and put him in isolation.

SOunds like he might be on the ADD spectrum. He probably won't get invited to any more parties. No doubt his Mother and father were glad of a break from him while he was at the party.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Mon 25-Feb-13 21:34:37

Jesus no! Smacking a child wtf,never mind someone elses. Wrong,wrong,wrong.

Why did he not remove the sword?

chicaguapa Mon 25-Feb-13 21:35:23

I would have taken him out of the party tbh. And put him somewhere away from the children. I wouldn't have smacked him, even if I'd wanted to.

lisad123everybodydancenow Mon 25-Feb-13 21:36:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 21:36:35

He is at every class party and is a nightmare! The difficulty was that I think no one wanted to be the one to take the sword off him, put him in isolation etc given he wasn't their child iykwim. The mum must know what he's like but she went home to do housework hmm

MrsBradleyJames Mon 25-Feb-13 21:37:05

He was wrong to smack, no question. The host of the party has to assume responsibility for the child if the parent leaves so it was up to her ultimately I think.
This is why I only once had that type of party for ds! I dont want that kind of resoonsibility and hard work!!!

Bluelightsandsirens Mon 25-Feb-13 21:37:10

No way! My DD2 is a little whirlwind to say the least so I wouldn't feel comfortable or fair to not stay with her but no way would I expect some one else to smack her arse in my absence.

amistillsexy Mon 25-Feb-13 21:38:25

SOunds like he might be on the ADD spectrum.

When is this sort of comment going to stop?
Naughty behaviour does NOT equal ASD/ADD. It equals naughtty behaviour. The child was being naughty. He was over excited and undisciplined. This could be due to many different factors, not just a neurological condition.

My son is 'on the ASD spectrum'. He went to aprty at the weekend, and managed not to wack anyone with a sword.

Op, why didn't any of the other adults at the party intervene and try to manage this little boy's behaviour before it became so bad the hostess was driven to hitting him?

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 21:39:45

There were swords everywhere though as it was a pirate party and there was a tub of about 20 swords for all the kids to play with. All were playing with them appropriately apart from this boy. Not sure if anyone had already confiscated his sword and he took another? The party was in a big church hall and kids everywhere.

Have any of you read The Slap? The premise is that a fed-up adult slaps a naughty child....

TheNebulousBoojum Mon 25-Feb-13 21:41:07

Why on earth not do as others suggested, remove the sword, calm the child, remove him from the party, phone his mother?
All better choices that going from ignoring the behaviour to smacking him. Which is never acceptable.

NippyDrips Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:08

I would be furious if anyone smacked one of my dc. Host mum should have removed the sword, put child into.isolation and rung the child's mother to collect the child.

Having said that, the parents should never have left the party if they knew their child was less than well behaved.

LadyKinbote Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:29

Totally out of order. No excuse for an adult to hit a child.

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:41

People did tell him to stop hitting the kids but they were there to watch their own kids so obviously couldn't keep following the boy around to make sure he behaved himself. I was there with 2 of my older kids plus baby so couldn't intervene as I was feeding baby etc.

TallyGrenshall Mon 25-Feb-13 21:42:50

'The difficulty was that I think no one wanted to be the one to take the sword off him, put him in isolation etc given he wasn't their child iykwim'

So eventually somebody decided to smack him even though he wasn't their child instead?! hmm

Wrong on so many levels.

TheNebulousBoojum Mon 25-Feb-13 21:43:19

<sigh>
Missed the idiotic comment about ADD. I've taught a lot of naughty little people whose only problem was lack of boundaries and consistency ion their lives, and too many adults looking the other way instead of explaining and dealing with situations.

DeafLeopard Mon 25-Feb-13 21:43:59

Totally agree with what nebulous said. I don't smack my own children, I wouldn't smack someone elses and if someone smacked my child I would go ballistic.

That said if I knew my child was likely to be naughty, I would have stayed at the party to deal with his behaviour.

CarlingBlackMabel Mon 25-Feb-13 21:44:00

Really difficult.

I thnk I would have tried to find a way to say to the Dad 'You need to tell his parents that you smacked him, and why, before he does'. Witnessing an adult hitting a child? Being a party host doesn't entitle you to do that. If it was a child I knew well, and knew the parent, I would probably feel extremely protective and challenge him right away. If that happened to my child at a party I would want to know.

Suppose any of us saw a parent helper on a school trip do that? We'd be outraged.

CharlieBlanche Mon 25-Feb-13 21:45:07

So the adult taught the child not to hit other people by er.. Hitting him?

This is not a difficult situation to handle:
Remove sword
Speak to boy re consequences.
If poor behaviour continues call parents to remove.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 25-Feb-13 21:45:17

TBH I have been at parties where parents of very naughty children have dumped their kids and gone home leaving me to gaurd the birthday cake from being smashed & clearing up food thrown by their children and dealing with other children that have been hurt by the naughty ones.

I have NEVER considored smacking or physically assaulting these children in their parents absence. I have removed naughty children and given appropriate warnings etc.

IMO I think snacking some ones child is completely wrong.

Jibberoo Mon 25-Feb-13 21:45:38

Why wasn't parent called and asked to come back and handle their child. Fwiw I think smack was acceptable under said circumstances (other children being hurt) but agree sword should have been taken away, isolation, parent called all before needing to resort to smacking to calm child down (though sounds like it was fruitless).
I think parent was out of order leaving a child line that alone at party and they deserve a smack too wink

OnlyWantsOne Mon 25-Feb-13 21:46:09

I also think that the parents should be spoken to.

CarlingBlackMabel Mon 25-Feb-13 21:46:37

Actually, it was a collective failure of all the adults who witnessed his havoc with the sword. It should have been removed very early on, in a nice way.

I banned swords at my DCs pirate parties. Small children hit people with toy swords. It's obvious.

I would have removed the sword after the first whack.

I would have separated the child from the other children for a few minutes if similar behaviour continued.

If that didn't work, I would phone the parents and ask them to come and collect him.

I would never have smacked him.

If my child were behaving like this and another adult smacked them, I would be very shock

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 21:47:18

I don't think the boys mum should have left him at the party alone, she must know what he's like as he is constantly in trouble at school. I don't think the birthday boys mum should be blamed or be responsible for his behaviour. The birthday boys parents were running about organising food etc. Not sure if they even had the mums number cos they didn't even know who he was (it was a blanket invite to kids from nursery and the boy tagged along with his wee brother).

And I've seen The Slap, it was the first thing that sprang to mind!!

Viewofthehills Mon 25-Feb-13 21:47:55

I spent most of DS's 6th birthday restraining an out of control boy who just wanted to fight/ throw food/ spit. ( it was 5 yrs before we invited him again though) Under no circumstances would I ever hit someone else's child. How is that going to teach him not to hit anyway?

What would I have done if I was you? Possibly tried to talk to the boy and made him stop hurting others. Probably told the party boy's Dad to step away and let someone else deal with him if he couldn't control himself.

I agree with amistillsexy my dd is on the ASD spectrum and is the most well behaved child I've ever known! (Unlike her younger NT sister)! Naughty doesn't automatically equal on the spectrum.

FabulousFreaks Mon 25-Feb-13 21:50:05

I am totally shocked. This is so unacceptable. I would be so furious is someone touched my child. They should be reported frankly. If a teacher did that there wuld be hell to pay. You do not touch other people's children in such a way end of! I think the child's parents should be told.

I don't think I would ever associate with the adult who msacked him ever again and would never allow my child near them. Disgusting

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 21:52:23

As I said earlier, there were about 20 swords lying about so I don't know if a sword was confiscated or not, if it was he could easily get another one! Wouldn't be fair to take them all away cos all the other kids were fine with them!

And don't think the parents had the naughty boys parents number as they didn't even know who he was!

5madthings Mon 25-Feb-13 21:52:40

If i was hosting a party and a child behaved like this i would remove sword, have words and if they seemed like they were getting carried away i would try distraction ie 'i really need some help with... ' and give them a little job to 'help' me with the party. If they really were uncontrollable i would call their parents.

Always make sure you have a contact number if parents are leaving kids!!

TheNebulousBoojum Mon 25-Feb-13 21:53:24

Not having a contact number for every child at the party is irresponsible.

5madthings Mon 25-Feb-13 21:54:02

If they didnt know who.he was why did they let him in/let him.be left?!

FabulousFreaks Mon 25-Feb-13 21:56:13

They are doubly irresponsible by first laying their hands on the child and secondly not having contact numbers. What is there was an accident. These birthday parents sound horrendous, why would you ever want to associate with them again?

MerryCouthyMows Mon 25-Feb-13 22:01:34

In glad amistillsexy posted something along the lines of what I was going to post although FAR less sweary.

amistillsexy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:02:12

To be honest, it sounds as though the party was not very well thought through any way...'blanklet invites' where siblings are allowed to come along without their parents, and without anyone knowing them...a tub of twenty swords 'provided', which most children 'used appropriately' hmm...host parents rushing around sorting out the food, whislt the children played with toy swords.

It sounds like a recipe for diaster to be honest. There's a reason why children's parties traditionally had organised games and a small guest list, and this type of fiasco is that reason!
Little children like to be organised and told what to do. They need to know what the boundaries are and what is expected of them. They need to feel that the adults around them are able to keep them safe.

The party was badly organised, and the host parent behaved inappropriately, IMO.

ClaudiaSchiffer Mon 25-Feb-13 22:02:40

Of ffs there was one naughty boy FabulousFreaks, it was hardly a horrendous party. Way to overreact.

FWIW I would like to think I would remove the naughty boy, until he was able to play without beating up the others but frankly I think it sounds like he deserved a smack.

Kewcumber Mon 25-Feb-13 22:03:13

who has a 5 yr old they don't know at a big party without any contact phone number, doesn't intervene when the child starts behaving very badly but instead goes straight for a firm slap. both sets of parents sound every bit as badly behaved as the child. Did anyone slap them? it might have done more good.

CarlingBlackMabel Mon 25-Feb-13 22:03:43

However busy the parents were, however badly behaved the child, however absent the child's mother (parent!) none of it excuses hitting someone else's child. The party Dad was 100% inexcusably wrong.

amistillsexy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:04:27

grin at Merry Not often I'm not the most sweary one wink.

FabulousFreaks Mon 25-Feb-13 22:06:29

I said the parents of the birthday child were horrendous not the party. I wasn't at the party, who knows how horrendous it was or wasn't. But I do believe parents who just let in a bunch of kids and have no contact numbers and resolve issues with violence are indeed horrendous, revolting and disgusting. Hope that clears that one up for you ClaudiaSchif. And fwiw dealing with violent behaviour with yet more violence is hardly very effective now is it?

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 22:11:01

The little brother goes to nursery with the birthday boy. The mum seems to take both boys to various parties that the other boy is invited to, and leaves them both. I can only assume the hosts knew both boys were coming but don't know the boys well, only from the younger one going to nursery.

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 22:13:46

Actually tbh the party was utterly crazy. Big bouncy castle, kids jumping on top of each other etc, to the point I took my boys off it after one got his head jumped on by a bigger kid!

I wasn't originally going to stay but I decided to cos it was pretty chaotic!

amistillsexy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:13:49

OP, are you wanting to canvass opinions on the host's behaviour, or on what we would have done in your position?

Had I been at that party as a parent of a child who'd been invited, I would have stepped in straight away to remove the sword from the boy, and engaged him in another activity, or 'helping', given that the hosts weren't doing so.

Had I been the host of the party, I would have had plenty of games to play so that the children weren't left too much to their own devices. I would also have collected contact details for all parents who dropped and left, and made it clear that the party was for invited children only, so the brother would not have been there in the first place.

If you are asking what we would do now, given that this has all happened, then I would chalk it up to experience, and take notes of all the mistakes made by these parents, so that you I didn't find myself in that position in the future! It is up to the mother of the asaulted boy to figure out what she should do, if her son tells her what happened.

amistillsexy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:16:02

Given your last post, OP, I think it was a very badly thought out party. Typical casew of parents wanting to please the children without thinking through how children would behave in this situation.

I would have made my excuses and left very soon after it started!

OneHandFlapping Mon 25-Feb-13 22:18:30

I would have privately cheered the parent who dished out the smack.

A humiliating swipe on the bum is not tantamount to child abuse, and it sounds like this out of control little horror needed it.

amistillsexy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:25:55

It may not be child abuse, One hand, but it is assault.

From the OP's last post, it sounds as if this boy wasn't the only on e who was out of control. The fault lies at the door of the adults who didn't think carefully enough about the practicalities of hosting a children's party.

The hosts created the opportunity for children to go wild. Then they decided to hit the child who really took them up on it.

ilikeyoursleeves Mon 25-Feb-13 22:29:04

A lot of kids were a bit wild on the bouncy castle but that was from bouncing, this kid was the only one who was deliberately hurting others.

Hulababy Mon 25-Feb-13 22:32:16

I don't agree with hitting children, regardless, so would be cross.
There are, imo, far more effective ways to discipline a child - smacking, again imo, is not necessary.

Not sure how you can justify hitting a child for hitting other children tbh???

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Mon 25-Feb-13 22:33:12

I'd certainly not go to a party organised by the same hosts again!

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Mon 25-Feb-13 22:33:47

And of course the parent was completely out of order!! (Is this a reverse AIBU?)

greencolorpack Mon 25-Feb-13 22:34:27

This is the plot of "The Slap"... Doesn't anyone else think so?

ilikeyoursleeves Tue 26-Feb-13 11:02:57

Yes, I've seen The Slap and that's the first thing I thought of! Though it wasn't a slap, it was a light tap on the bum, but still.

choceyes Tue 26-Feb-13 11:28:41

Totally unacceptable behaviour by the party parent IMO, even if it was a light tap on the bum. I have smacked my DS a couple of times in uncontrollable anger when I've totally lost it and deeply regretted it the very next second, so I can understand that kind of anger that leads to a smack, but I couldn't get that angry in this kind of situation when it's not my child and there are other parents to also help out. He could have dealt with it so many other ways.
I would be very shocked if somebody smacked by DCs like that.

DeadlyLittleMiho Tue 26-Feb-13 15:33:15

its just pointless to teach a child that its bad to smack by smacking them! that just doesnt make sense. adults only smack kids cos they have lost control of the situation and I makes them feel better. so I'd have been really annoyed to see that happen. they have no right. I'd have taken the sword away the first time he hit someone. also, I don't see this as him being on any spectrum. some kids are naughty and need parenting and that's alls there is to it.

Oh five year old boys and swords??
I used to hide anything remotely sword like before visits from other children let alone parties.

getmeoutofthismadhouse Sat 02-Mar-13 06:52:38

My son is extremely "boisterous", he's awaiting a statement and tbh I would Never in a million years allow him to be left unattended . I can imagine the fall out . This said I would be livid if someone raised a finger to him. In places and times like these children do run riot but all is needed is a bit of down time away from all the chaos and the child would be fine I'm sure. With a phone call to suggest parents coming to watch him.

I wouldnt like to be that parent when Mum or Dad of the boy find out ....

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