Would you accept this very generous holiday offer?

(32 Posts)
imtheonlyone Sun 10-Feb-13 10:32:16

Ok, so story is that there is me and my two DSs who are 5 and 8. My now DP and I have been together for three years, we live together - bought a house together a year ago. DP has two DSs as well who are 4 and 8.
I don't earn very much and my XH gives me absolutely nothing in maintenance. This year for their birthday gifts, my mum has said she would like to take me and my boys to Disneyland Paris for a few days. There is no way on earth I could afford this type of holiday and would obviously love for my boys to have those experience. But she doesnt want to pay for my DP and his boys - it's not really her place to do so is it? Or is it? Am I wrong in accepting her generous offer and having this amazing holiday without my DP and his boys? My DP and I have discussed all going to Disneyland together but there is no way we could afford it at the moment.
So what would you do? Would you go and risk upsetting DP and his boys? Or not go because of guilt but then feel bad for my boys and my mum who is only trying to do something nice for their birthday????

Help!!!!

Ruprekt Sun 10-Feb-13 10:33:49

I would go and hope that DP would want me to go.

gorionine Sun 10-Feb-13 10:44:11

I can see it puts you in a difficult position. Do you mind if I ask some more precisions?

Would you be able to afford it now all together with yours and your DSs payed for by your mum?

Is it a now or never offer, or would your Mum still be ok offering it to you at a later date when you and DP have saved enough so he and his DSs can afford to join in as well?

I see it is supposed to be for your DSs birthday, are they close in date? Maybe it does not matter to them when they go so long as they go?

What does your partner think about it?

LillethTheCat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:46:35

I understand what your mum is doing, but I personally wouldn't take it without DP and his children coming.

DP and his children are part of your family now and its something you always wanted to do together.

What does DP say about it? I take it there's no way you can afford to pay for the 3 of them is there?

Then again Im sure that there's loads of people on here who would go, after all there is no other way you could afford to it anyway.

constantnamechanger Sun 10-Feb-13 10:47:02

go - the dss' s have their own grandparents

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Feb-13 10:52:26

I wouldn't. It's nice of her in one way, that she wants to help you have a holiday, but you're a family. But yes, she's under no obligation to pay for any of you.

However, she's splitting you back into two families that share a house. There's you and your kids - and she sees your partner and his children as seperate. When she should be seeing you all as one family.

I wouldn't like that. When two people who have children get together, they become one family. How will your partner's children feel? Will there be resentment or crowing? How will your partner feel?

I think first thing's first - tell your partner about your mum's offer. Get his view on it.

However - I am assuming that your partner's children live with you. If they don't, and he has access, then I think that's a bit different.

constantnamechanger Sun 10-Feb-13 11:03:28

you are not all one family all of the time - I do not expect my husband's mother to treat my ds the same as she treats ours or his - nor do I expect my mother to treat his dcs the same as shettreats ours or mine.

the relationship with extended family is different.

in this scenario one set of children ha've an absent father and therefore presumably no family on the paternal side

an insinstance that all children are treated exactly the same will often see an imbalance occur where thebstep children end up substantially better off

MariusEarlobe Sun 10-Feb-13 11:03:42

If you live together then I wouldnt, unless you can afford to pay for your dp and his ds then I dont think its fair.

If you did not live together than that would be different but if you live together you are a family, its not fair on his ds's if your children talk all about disney for weeks and then come back with excited tales.

QOD Sun 10-Feb-13 11:05:26

Go. If the boys nanna wants to take them away, that's fine. If it was YOU taking your boys and leaving DP home, it'd be harsh.

Do DPs children live with you?

LillethTheCat Sun 10-Feb-13 11:21:02

Just a thought.

What would you tell DP to do if it was reversed?

Branleuse Sun 10-Feb-13 11:24:53

talk to your dp. See what he feels about it

imtheonlyone Sun 10-Feb-13 11:29:58

No, DSSs do not live here with us - they are here every other weekend.

There is no way we could afford o pay for the three of them.

There would be nothing stopping all of us going in a few years time when we can afford it.

His ex would probably forbid us to take his kids abroad anyway - she has done so far!!!!!

The idea is that my mum is giving ten an experience for their birthdays - and she would like to share that experience with her grandchildren.

I can understand both points of view. My mum rarely sees me and the kids without the DSSs being there .... And in some very selfish way it would be lovely to enjoy some time with my boys on holiday without his kids being there. His kids are very very hard work. Both very selfish and over bearing. Both extremely spoilt (sounds rich when this holiday is on offer to me I know! But my kids are not spoilt and have been brought up to value possessions etc whereas his do not at all!).

I really really don't know what to do! I haven't told him yet because I know he will be upset. But if I say no then I'm upsetting my mum who is not trying to cause difficulties she just wants her grandchildren to have a wonderful experience.

His kids are taken away every year (in this this country) by his exs parents ..... And his kids bang on about the holidays and all the gifts and everything they get from them. But then I ask myself would my DPs parents offer something to my DP and his kids alone - and no, I don't think they would. But I don't think they value the time spent with grandchildren that my mum does. My mum is alone (we lost my dad 14 years ago) and lives her life for her grandchildren. She lives over two hours away and only sees them during the holidays. His parents see us and all the boys every week.

Oh god I just don't know!!!!!!!!!

imtheonlyone Sun 10-Feb-13 11:34:34

If it were reversed ..... I think I would be disappointed to not be going but we can't afford to go so the disappointment of not going is always there! - I'd like to think I would want the kids to have the holiday! But am I saying that because I'd really like my kids to have this holiday????!!!!

Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

LillethTheCat Sun 10-Feb-13 11:37:10

Right from your last post I have changed my mind and think you should go.

His kids are always going away, you dont see them that often.

I also think you should have a good time while you are away.

Branleuse Sun 10-Feb-13 11:40:17

i think you should go and offer your dp the chance if he wants to come along, to pay for himself

LemonBreeland Sun 10-Feb-13 11:43:46

I think you should go and I think your DP should understand you wanting to have time with your Mum.

gorionine Sun 10-Feb-13 11:44:15

No, DSSs do not live here with us - they are here every other weekend.

My mum rarely sees me and the kids without the DSSs being there .... And in some very selfish way it would be lovely to enjoy some time with my boys on holiday without his kids being there.

His kids are taken away every year (in this this country) by his exs parents .....

This post makes the situation much clearer now, just go and enjoy yourselves!

constantnamechanger Sun 10-Feb-13 11:48:09

go and enjoy - she us your children's grandmother - the dss' s have their own grand parents.

AnyFucker Sun 10-Feb-13 11:49:30

From the scenarios you give in your last post, I would go on the holiday with no hesitation at all

aPseudonymToFoolHim Sun 10-Feb-13 12:29:08

Your DSs having a fabulous gift off their DGM does not hurt DSSs.

I would hope your DP would be happy for you to go, why should you ALL miss out?

HecateWhoopass Sun 10-Feb-13 16:57:19

ok. Sorry. From the OP it read like you all live together. The fact that that isn't the case makes it - just my opinion - different.

Go. If they aren't living with you, then although they are part of your family - it's not unreasonable to have holidays that you don't all go on. Just you and your kids, go.

And if your partner thinks it's wrong, or disappointing - ask him whether you and your children will be going on his children's next holiday with their grandparents.

Adversecamber Sun 10-Feb-13 17:00:56

I think you should go and you sound like a rather lovely stepmum. Then again you have a good example in your generous Mother.

Narked Sun 10-Feb-13 17:07:45

Go.

imtheonlyone Mon 11-Feb-13 09:34:20

Thanks all for your responses - I really appreciate it!! We are going to go!!! Yeah!!!!

LillethTheCat Mon 11-Feb-13 12:59:15

Good. Hope you have a fab time.

givemeaclue Mon 11-Feb-13 13:03:10

Go. And have a great time, very kind of your mum.

Kafri Fri 22-Feb-13 06:04:58

I'd go if I were you. I think i would feel differently if dps kids lived with you too but they don't. I'm not sure why my opinion is different because they don't live with you. .

would there be the option of you saving the money for dp to go along with you then you could have it as a family holiday as well?

Just a thought as it doesn't sound like you'd get a family holiday otherwise.

I get that his kids are part of the family and maybe he could treat them to a special day out without your kids on one of their visits?

StupidFlanders Fri 22-Feb-13 06:26:04

If your dp could pay for himself is he allowed to come?

Whocansay Wed 27-Feb-13 21:34:35

Go. You have to put your children first.

glossyflower Wed 06-Mar-13 09:11:31

Just want to add that my friend has 4 kids. One is by different father whose grandparents are always taking their grandson on holidays and days out and her other kids stay at home with their mum.
Which is fair enough the other kids still have their grandparents if they want to take them on holiday.

AThingInYourLife Wed 06-Mar-13 09:23:55

Go.

You can't ask your kids to miss out on this holiday with their grandmother because you have chosen to live with a man who has children.

Shutupanddrive Thu 07-Mar-13 15:48:50

Yes! Go

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now