Friend wants money from me today for lodging costs.

(144 Posts)
Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 17:39:02

I had a fight with my partner 4 weeks ago and rung my friend saying we'd split up for good. She told me I could stay with them, wouldn't take no for an answer, and she picked me up from my house. I have known her 3 years, but her husband is my ex from years ago, so I have known him a long time and we have stayed friends (nothing more!!!!) - he said he would not see me go without or suffer and i could stay there as long as it took to get sorted. She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess?? She told me to tell my ex partner i was staying there paying £25pw to stop him taking all the money from the joint account. I have chipped in to buy some food, cat food, fags, beer and a £10 bill they needed paying. I have used the shower and put some clothes in to wash when they did, used their wireless broadband, socket to charge my phone up every couple of days and used the kettle to make cups of tea. I have been going back to my house nearly every day to wash other clothes, cook food and use the shower.
Everything has been fine until she suddenly started being funny with me about 2 weeks ago and he was barely talking to me - I asked him if I'd done something wrong and he said no. I only thought I would be there for a couple of weeks but am having loads of trouble finding a new place to live - my alternative was to go home to a bad situation, which is not what I wanted, or go to a refuge miles away and I wouldn't be able to see my kids or go to work as I have no transport. He wrote me a note and left it for me on Thursday morning saying they wanted me out by Friday (last night) and they want £200 for services used/lodging money - they did not put a date they wanted it by. I asked why he couldn't talk to me about it and he said it was easier to write a note. I left Thursday morning after saying I would probably ring him today to sort out dropping money off (I didn't say how much though) and have now had a text from him today asking what time to expect the money as it is "due today". I don't have £200 spare as it would mean taking money from what I need to get a new house (advance rent) and I have no other savings, only enough in the bank left over for food etc till payday at the end of the month. He thinks I am abusing his trust now by not intending to pay - I have just text back saying no I'm not - I can pay in bits but not all at once. She has not text or spoken to me whatsoever - neither of them have asked if I am all right and if I have a roof over my head now / in the refuge etc. I would not have got through the last month if they hadn't taken me in and supported me through the split, but what do I do now????

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 18:16:06

anyone?? urgent advice needed please!!! sad

Kormachameleon Sat 03-Nov-12 18:18:37

Tbh I'd tell them to feck off

They offered, you accepted, nothing was set in writing about contributions etc and they are being unreasonable

I would just say that you will pay even though it hasn't been agreed but you will have to do it when you have the money. If they don't like it tough! What exactly will they do if you don't pay today? What odd behaviour from them. Concentrate on getting yourself sorted and then decide how much to pay and when. Where are you staying now?

colditz Sat 03-Nov-12 18:21:33

I really don't know. Have y had a physical fight with your partner? Why can't y go home?

StrangeGlue Sat 03-Nov-12 18:22:34

Oh op how upsetting! Are you okay and do you have somewhere safe to stay?

You don't have the money and that is that. Their bizarre attitude is upsetting but right now you have bigger fish to fry. Ignore them and come back to thinking about it when you are more sorted.

Paintbynumbers Sat 03-Nov-12 18:23:54

Very odd behaviour from them.

To be honest, I wouldn't pay. Just say you need the money for a deposit.

Obviously you wouldn't do this to proper friends but given they have kicked you out in such a spineless manner, I would look after yourself.

bunjies Sat 03-Nov-12 18:26:28

They sound delightful. I would tell them you feel you have contributed to the household expenses as much as you needed to and that you cannot afford £200. Maybe offer half which is the £25pw they mentioned at the beginning. If they insist on £200 then I would suggest you cut these people out of your life. I echo QuietNinja in asking what are they going to do if you can't pay?

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 21:00:33

thanks - yes, ok for a few days, staying with another mate who knows whats happened and will not treat me like that - yes it was violent at home, that's why I'm not going back. I've not had a reply to my text, I just feel sick waiting. sad

cece Sat 03-Nov-12 21:46:18

Can't you go to a woman's refugee?

I would not pay them. Or at least not the whole amount. Say you can afford £5 (or whatever) a week and leave it at that. TBH I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway if they treat you like that.

trixymalixy Sat 03-Nov-12 21:50:08

I wouldn't pay either. I would just tell them you don't have the money. Hope you are safe sad

When costs were mentioned the figure of £65 was given, but they said to tell your ex you were paying £25, which I read as that wasn't what you would actually be paying? So were you all agreed it would be £65 a week?

How have you got to staying with them for 4 weeks and not said "hey, I really ought to give you something towards the bills".

LadyMaryCreepyCrawley Sat 03-Nov-12 21:55:03

£200 after 4 weeks is £50 a week, so less than the £65 you agreed to:

"She said the same. Money was roughly mentioned saying i could "throw money in to contribute" as if i stayed permanently they would expect a 3rd of the rent and bills - about £65pw at a guess??"

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 21:57:16

Where are your kids??

sausagesandwich34 Sat 03-Nov-12 22:33:10

if he's your ex do you think she maybe got jealous?

just a thought

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:01:21

cece - the refuge is miles away - i can't afford it, nor get back to see my kids and go to work as i can't drive and public transport wouldn't be an option.
YourHand - no, you have read wrong - she said to "tell him £25 even though I wasn't paying anything" - her exact words - so she never asked me to contribute a set amount, it was a suggestion so he wouldn't take that out of the account if he thought I was having to pay rent - she told me to block his card and take it all out for myself. I am guessing that £65 would be a third of rent and bills for a permanent lodger - not someone who had just left home with nothing and couldn't afford to pay anything at the time!!! I asked if they needed any money and they said no - i just contributed by food etc as explained in my original post - I didn't have spare money as I still have the bills to pay on my own house and food for my kids as they stayed with my ex at my house (Chipping!) - I couldn't take them with me, my friend wouldn't have them and they were better off at home than sleeping on a floor in a strange house!!
Lady Mary - the whole point is - no money amount was agreed!! I never thought I would be there more than a couple of weeks at the most!!
Yes, she is jealous although she has absolutely no need to be!!!

cece Sat 03-Nov-12 23:06:47

Can't you take your kids with you to a refuge? i thought you could? Where are they? Surely you haven't left them with your violent DP?

lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:07:16

From what you have written you have lived there for four weeks, used their hot water, washing machine, food and drink ect all rent free.
I think they are likely angry as it sounded like you should have offered more.
Where are the kids??

Flojo1979 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:09:17

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lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:11:01

So you work fulltime but couldn't pay towards any bills and you left your kids with your violent ex!

Why didnt you take your dcs and go with them to a refuge?

Cant imagine leaving my child in that environment and yes I have been in the same situation myself. I got out with my child.

difficultpickle Sat 03-Nov-12 23:13:58

Maybe they thought your stay would be temporary. 4 weeks is a long time especially if they cannot see you doing anything to actively resolve where you live. I'm another one who is rather hmm at leaving your dcs with someone you had a fight with.

nancy75 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:15:13

They probably offered thinking that you would be there for a few days, not a month with no leaving date in sight. Like others I am surprised you would leave your children with a violent partner

Fairylea Sat 03-Nov-12 23:18:00

Go and get your kids and go to a refuge. From a legal point of view your exes solicitor would have a field day that youleft them there ("how can she say I'm violent and then leave the children with me" can hear it now).

You also need to take them to show to social services that you are protecting them from violence and that includes witnessing it. Otherwise they will say you are an unfit mother. Harsh but that is what they will say. Be very careful.

Fairylea Sat 03-Nov-12 23:21:49

If the refuge is miles away then you quit your job, manage on benefits and relocate with your children and then apply for local jobs. That is what I had to do.

FannyFifer Sat 03-Nov-12 23:35:43

Why are you not in the house with your kids, violent partner should be the one to leave.

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:42:59

why are people having a go at me for leaving my kids and twisting what i've said? this is ridiculous!! my ex is NOT violent to my kids, they are perfectly safe, there is no "abandonment" - when my friend said she was coming to get me i wasn't thinking straight and my kids weren't in the house, they were at my ex's mothers anyway who didn't know what had happened - i didn't think i would be staying away at all, certainly not!! i wanted to go get my kids, but had no option as it was late on a friday night and i didn't want to upset them by making them leave as well - where was i supposed to go?
lisad - you need to read my posts properly i think! I have a mortgage, bills and food etc - i have nothing left after that - certainly haven't got £50 spare a week, lucky if I have £2 at the end of the week - do you not want me to pay my bills or feed my kids, same as my friend obviously doesn't???
Flojo - I have not been "fucking about with my mates" and I am looking after my kids - I am just not sleeping in the same house as them - they are fine, they understand - the kids aren't the issue here, it's my so called friends so please everyone stop with the nasty remarks, aimed at being a bad mother cos i'm not - i don't need it!! It was hard enough to leave as it was - i have left him, not my kids!!

RyleDup Sat 03-Nov-12 23:44:25

Why have you left without your kids op?

fatfingers Sat 03-Nov-12 23:45:13

You could collect your kids and go to the refuge with them.

RyleDup Sat 03-Nov-12 23:45:41


difficultpickle Sat 03-Nov-12 23:47:17

So you left your dcs without telling them? Sorry you are making no sense at all. What has stopped you collecting your dcs in the 4 weeks you've been away?

nancy75 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:47:59

So you are looking for somewhere else to live, what will happen about the mortgage then? You will have to have money to pay the rent wherever you go. Is the house just in your name?

Viviennemary Sat 03-Nov-12 23:49:44

If you've been there for four weeks I can't see what is wrong with them asking you for the £200 as it's not as if you've only stayed a couple of nights. And you said you'd be paying £65 per week which works out more than the £200 they have asked you for. Still they should have made it clearer what was expected.

Charlene1 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:50:37

There is no chance of my kids witnessing any violence in the future as we have split up - i don't need to go to a refuge, and i'm not putting my kids in one either, i will be sorted soon with a house, so i need my job and the kids in school for stability. No legal stuff is involved - the relationship is ended, we will share residency, no problem - we have got past the bad stuff now, and social services don't have a problem as we've already spoke to them about the situation.
If anyone wants to say anything constructive about the friend situation, please do so!!

difficultpickle Sat 03-Nov-12 23:50:42

If you are paying the bills and the mortgage then why aren't you living there with your dcs and your partner leaves instead of you. If it is your house you should ask him to leave. Sounds like you need to get better legal advice than whomever you consulted in the last 4 weeks.

missymoomoomee Sat 03-Nov-12 23:52:05

But you have left your kids confused the longer you stay away from them the less chance you have of getting them back again. You need to get your kids and go to a refuge asap if he has been violent to you. You say he has never been violent to the kids, but you have been there for him to take his anger out on, where will he aim it now?

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sat 03-Nov-12 23:55:15

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ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 23:55:37


It's your house
He's violent
You left your kids with him for an unknown period

The friend wanting money is the least of your problems - or shoul

lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:55:55

Well I'm a bit confused then, because in your post you say it would mean taking money from money saved for new house "advanced rent" so either you have enough to save or you have £2 spare, which is it?

The reason people are getting funny on here is because you have spent four weeks not living with your kids, who are currently living with your violent ex, when what you really should have done is gone to a shelter or refuge with them, called the police, maybe asked ex to move out or done something more.
From your posts it sounds like you spend four weeks at friends house for free, while you saved money to get a new place but with little thought of leaving kids with ex.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 03-Nov-12 23:56:10

... or should be ?

How old are your kids?

lisad123 Sat 03-Nov-12 23:57:22

Wow got past bad stuff in four weeks? hmm

BooyhooRemembering Sat 03-Nov-12 23:58:03

can i just point out that OP hasn't actually said her partner was the one responsible for the violence.

So you've 'got passed the bad stuff' and had SS involved then not involved in 4 weeks?

You're paying a mortgage so you can't afford to pay your friends money but you can afford rent on another property?

You haven't left your children but you don't live with them?

You took the piss, staying with them, contributing pretty much nothing for FOUR weeks. Meanwhile you didn't even attempt to have your children removed from someone who is physically violent. You should be utterly ashamed of yourself.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:01:07

ah, v true. just "it was violent at home"

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:01:34


you do realise that now your the nrp and your violent ex is the pwc dont you?

i shouldnt even worry about your friends at all, they havent helped you at all they have totally fucked you over they are not friends.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:02:09

Vivienne - again, please let me explain - I never agreed £65 a week, nothing was agreed. They knew I had no spare money as I had just paid all the bills from my wages that week - i have to wait for tax credits for food each week - i don't have spare money any week!!
The house is up for sale anyway so mortgage won't be a problem much longer.
bisjo - everything was explained to the kids - i naively thought i would get emergency housing till i got sorted - i now know the council are no help as there is just none available and what is around private, is too expensive or needs a clean credit history - which I haven't got!

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:05

maybe that explains why dcs are still with him and not with OP.

fatfingers Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:10

Did you have any arguments with your friends whilst you were there OP? How did you behave in general - do you think you could have annoyed or offended them?

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:20

Well spotted Booyhoo I assumed it was him that was violent because she talked about going into a refuge, but I having re-read I think the op has been very careful about not mentioning who was the violent one..... hmm

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:54

if your kids were with you, you would have got help. so op, who was violent, you or him?

lisad123 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:03:57

Nope unlikely council would house you as you have a house and you moved out.
So if private rents are too costly where will you go?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:04:17


hang on a sec. if one of my friends was fleeing violence and i put them up for 4 weeks i wouldnt ask for money 4 weeks down the line and i would be helping them find somewhere safe to go.

you dont do that to friends you are trying to protect.

nancy75 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:05:11

Ok, none of this is making much sense, but re the situation with the friends, I can understand why they are annoyed, they probably thought you would o ly be there a few days or would be contributing more than you have. You should pay them sone money to cover the time you spent living there, but if you don't have it then you can't pay them. I don't really understand what you are asking

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:05:30

sock, and you wouldnt raise an eyebrow at them leaving the kids? and as boo has said, the op hasnt said that he was violent.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:07:22

i would actually insist they brought the kids along.

but your right the op hasnt said...............

come on then op who was the violent one?

Viviennemary Sun 04-Nov-12 00:10:04

They have done you a favour though letting you stay. So you can't be too mad with them!!

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:10:53

me too. to not shows selfishness of a pretty disgusting level.

and if the op was violent, well, I can see why the friends would suddenly go cold.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 04-Nov-12 00:12:30

SO your kids are in the family home and you are popping round there every day to see them while staying rent-free at your friends? I think you have been given terrible advice somewhere along the line: a violent man can be forcibly removed from the home and forbidden to return, and if he is violent towards you then surely it's not safe for you to keep going back to the house?

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:13:46

SGB, the op hasnt said that the dp was violent. just that there was violence, which is why she's not going back.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 00:14:03

but, you know, its ok to leave your kids there...

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:20:33

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason - you are twisting things and getting it wrong - that is NOT the case at all.
Partner doesn't work, so has no money, therefore easier for me to move out with kids and he stays until house is sold then sort himself out etc. I just couldn't take them at the time. For me to pay rent on a new place does mean missing a months mortgage, but I can sort that at a later date, not an issue. What I can't do is find £200 for last month immediately to give my friend as I don't have it without taking it from food money for the next 2 weeks.
waltermittymissus - i did not take the piss and i have nothing to be ashamed of - i did the best thing by leaving and trying to get rehoused elsewhere so don't speak to me like that please.
Sockreturningpixie - thank you, yes this is what i have realised now - she has manipulated me over the whole situation and completely stabbed me in the back all round - I think she wants me left with no house, relationship, job, kids, money etc to get me back for being her husbands ex!!! Mad, but plenty of my real mates have suggested that's what she's doing!! She told me not to go back, stay as long as i like, as i was seeing the kids every day anyway so it didn't make a lot of difference in that respect that i just slept elsewhere.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:21:57

No i wasn't violent - he was - it was a row that turned bad and i got scared and panicked

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:23:15

so who was the violent one?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:23:38

sorry xposted

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:25:08

I thought he was going to hit me - It was NOT me doing the violence!

nancy75 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:25:11

Missing your mortgage payments is an issue, surely it is easier for your ex to move out on his own than for you and your children to have to go, especially as you are paying for the house?

BooyhooRemembering Sun 04-Nov-12 00:26:53

so was there violence or not? confused

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:26:59

council just can't house me as there is none available - doesn't matter if kids are with me or not, there are just too many people needing houses and a lot worse off than me!!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:27:38

you do realise that as things stand now, you have effectivly handed him pwc status dont you, and your going to struggle in the future if you ever need to get legal with regard to the kids and getting help about his violence.

seriously you need to get your arse to a decent solisiters asap but get your kids first.

he could make things very very differcult for you if you leave things as they are.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Sun 04-Nov-12 00:27:47

So that's what your 'real mates' are saying? Where were those mates when you needed somewhere to live? If your friend wanted to see you with nothing then she wouldn't have taken you in in the first place. You sound shockingly ungrateful.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:28:51

christ. have you lost your mind?

you own a house,you pay the bills,you have kids.

go back and make him leave

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 00:29:58

he can go and stay with his mother

nancy75 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:30:31

But if you have a house why would they need to rehouse you, why not just get him to leave, then the children are not uprooted, at least until the house sells. Sorry to be mean,but where he lives is not your problem, if you are the one paying for the house you should be living in it

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:45:16

dickie - i have learned a lot about my friend over the last few weeks and she isn't what i thought she was at all - far from it!! I have done nothing to her, and always supported her through bad times she's had. Not ungrateful - just feel very shocked and betrayed!!
Solicitors advised me sell house and start afresh as rent would be cheaper than my mortgage so i'd be better off all round - someone is coming to look at house tomorrow so fingers crossed they want it! Just thought it was easier to get a new place now rather than go back and have the hassle of making him leave as they said i'd have to go to court (can't afford it!!), and then i have to leave again when house sells??

nancy75 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:49:45

Is the house in both your names? I would think very carefully about missing mortgage repayments, even if the people that come tomorrow want to buy it all takes a while to go through, you could be stuck with mortgage and rent for some months, also if you are looking at renting they will credit check you, if you are still liable for a mortgage I doubt anyone would let you rent too.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:53:44

yes, joint mortgage, and yes, can only go through certain estate agents to rent!! Which is a pain, as I have seen a few nice houses that I could have gone for but agents won't accept me!!

happyAvocado Sun 04-Nov-12 00:56:14

I feel that the OP has a syndrom of a victim - trying to protect the abuser at all costs and finding errors in others to excuse helping him.
Not that uncommon but as @Sockreturningpixie mentioned - that may backfire agains her and her kids in the future....

nancy75 Sun 04-Nov-12 00:59:04

Have you suggested to your ex that he moves out for the sake of the children?
Really no letting agent should take you. Even with a perfect credit history unless you earn enough to pay your mortgage and your rent with money to spare they should say no. I don't mean this in a you don't deserve a home way, but no reputable landlord would take on someone that has to default on their mortgage in order to pay rent. Have you thought about what will happen if the house takes months to sell?

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 01:11:06

i think bank would repossess if i missed more than 3 months and had moved out, but hoping it won't come to that! Ex is applying for any job going, but can't move out till earning enough to pay rent or take over mortgage, so i'm just concentrating on me and the kids getting sorted elsewhere.

RyleDup Sun 04-Nov-12 01:22:54

So the house is yours? I'm very confused?

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 01:26:03

no, owned jointly, so equal rights to be there unless a court says otherwise!!

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 01:27:24

need to sleep now, thanks everyone, hoping tomorrow is better not worse!!

Fairylea Sun 04-Nov-12 07:18:15

How old are your children ?

The council will not give emergency housing to someone who is living with a friend. They say they will but usually they won't. If you were in the refuge you would be much higher priority even owning half the house.

Really what you should have done is ring the police at the time of the violence and ask them to remove your oh from the family home have steps to put a restraining order in place to prevent him returning. He would then have to apply to see the children through a solicitor and ata contact centre. It doesn't matter he is not violent towards them, you are in a violent relationship and this by default puts them in an emotionally abusive situation.

Also if he is not working he would actually be better to get benefits and try and get housing benefit towards a new flat rather than you !

I'm sorry but I think you are being offered help but not prepared to take it.

Your friends wanting money is the least of your worries !

MikeLitoris Sun 04-Nov-12 07:53:24

You have a house, so why should the council house you?

You are being ridiculous.

He wasnt actually violent and you have worked through the bad stuff?

Why cant you move back in then? Your spending all your time there and sleeping else where? What difference would sleeping on the sofa or in with one of the dc make?

You seriously need to sort yourself out.

MikeLitoris Sun 04-Nov-12 08:07:49

If your house is up for sale, where were you planning on living after the sale?

nkf Sun 04-Nov-12 08:08:24

You need to get some proper advice. You need to be with your kids. You need to sort someting out with your friends. You should have stayed in the house with the kids. Can't you go back and do that?

nkf Sun 04-Nov-12 08:10:09

The friends are not the important things right now.

differentnameforthis Sun 04-Nov-12 08:20:32

i naively thought i would get emergency housing till i got sorted

Kinda sounds to me like you left hoping to get housed by the council, s you could all move in to that!

lisad123 Sun 04-Nov-12 08:37:33

So from what I can work out was that you had a row, you were scarced and left.
You were hoping the council would house you so you wouldn't have to look for rented and you could just let ex have your house, and when it's sold you would have somewhere nice and cheaper to live.
My dear this is called playing the system! It doesn't work like that.
Go home, ask dh to move out, and stop messing about with your poor kids.
When house is sold you can sort out rest, but seriously you are wasting time, the council will not house you.

MikeLitoris Sun 04-Nov-12 08:55:28

What different name said.

difficultpickle Sun 04-Nov-12 09:08:47

I still don't understand why your partner couldn't have moved out and stayed with friends. I assume your Dp is the dcs main carer as he isn't working and you are so he will be seeking residency?

LeBoob Sun 04-Nov-12 10:56:31

I haven't read the other replies so apologies if I x-post.

Do you really want to salvage a relationship with these "friends?" If you do, give them the money, but just rembember from there point of view that's exactly what it's come down to, money!

If it was me, I'd explain that I was thankful for their hospitality,& there "fair weather friendship" offer a nominal sum of say £50 and tell them that's the end of it!

Stay strong away from the relationships that damage YOUR life!

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 04-Nov-12 11:07:39

did your ex surgest thats what you did,or actualy tell you he wouldnt leave?

you do not have to go to court if the other party would leave willingly.

and you may want to either move back in or tell hmrc as you are fraudently claiming tax credits if you get ctc as you are not the pwc.

LittleBearPad Sun 04-Nov-12 11:08:54

If you were really that scared how could you leave your children? I don't understand.

If things are now sorted why can't you live at home? There should be no worry about violence and if there is WHY ARE YOUR CHILDREN THERE??

NatashaBee Sun 04-Nov-12 11:44:22

Are you expecting g that your kids will come and live with you eventually, when you get a new place set up? If not, no problems. But if you were expecting to have them back at some point. I think you've set yourself up for some issues. You ex can argue that the children are stable with him I the home they're used to, and that your allegations of violence aren't true because otherwise, why would you have left the children with him? I think you need to find better legal advice, did you not discuss this with your solicitor?

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 11:57:19

I agree with mike. You are behaving like a spoilt kid.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 04-Nov-12 17:26:12

OP have you done this before? Do you have a tendency to flee to mates after rows and then fanny about for a while before going back home till the next time?

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:35:34

right, i shall respond to each of you in turn as this is beyond ridiculous - i asked for advice over money, not to be slagged off.

Fairylea, yes, i've had bad advice, but it's getting sorted.
Mike - he was violent and verbally abusive, my emotional state and the situation at the time was such that i wasn't able to stay under the same roof as him. Giving in to constant pressure to go back and forget all about it immediately meant I could never have broke free for good - not being ridiculous. I was unable to live there so that's why the council classed me as homeless due to domestic abuse. Different name /lisad - I didn't want permanent council housing, just temporary help till I could sort things as they are supposed to help in these situations - not "playing the system" or messing the kids about - trying not to traumatise them at the time.
bisjo / sock - he had nowhere to go and no money, signing on claims and Housing benefit take weeks to sort, so he wouldn't go. Tax credits are not fraudulent, as they stop the money whilst reassessing a single claim, which can take up to 6 weeks.
Leboob - thank you - I have asked to meet up with friends and sort it - so we stay friends - but have had no reply sad
Littlebear - my kids weren't there at the time I left, so i couldn't just go and get them - they have been fine at home, they are not in danger.
BlameItOnTheCuerve - you have no idea of what has happened to me and what I have gone through in the last few weeks, so stop the nasty comments please - I am not a "spoilt kid".
SolidGold - no I have never left before and never thought I would have the guts to do it, it's the hardest thing I've had to do, so not exactly been "living it up" at my mates.

MikeLitoris Sun 04-Nov-12 21:54:25

So he was violent? And abusive?

and you have left your dc with him hmm

Fgs, get him out of the house and be with your dc.

Its his own fault he has no where to go.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 21:56:00

Sorted a lot out today with ex, regarding house and kids, but not heard from friends - wanted to sort it all today but no reply from them!!

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 21:58:24

In all honesty I think this is a scam to get a council house thats backfired a bit.

There is no way any normal person would leave their children with a violent man, or refuse to go to a refuge because its a little bit too far to travel.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:00:13

mike - yes i know, i am at home now, so kids are fine, and i'm not leaving again - I have told him he has to.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:01:41

missy - no, it's not a scam - why would i want a council house miles away from my job and kids school??? He wouldn't leave at the time, so I had to but that's not the issue

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:09:29

Missy - why should i lose my kids, job and house by going to a refuge and waiting to get rehoused or being forced to rent somewhere? Not an option, I don't deserve that when I did nothing wrong in the first place, nobody does, so not doing it!!

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Sun 04-Nov-12 22:15:05

Are the kids ok?

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 22:16:25

If he was violent then there are refuges that will take you in with kids or safe houses they can put you into.

It seems to me like you made this big gesture of leaving, went to see your options, found out you don't really have any that are convenient to you, and have now returned to the violent man you left your kids with for however many weeks it was. Why didn't you just call the police when he was violent?

It all seems pretty convenient timing that this has kicked off when your house is on the market....

allnewtaketwo Sun 04-Nov-12 22:26:11

Was he actually physically violent or not? When you were scared and you panicked, what do you mean? What did you actually do. I'm still very unclear. If there was no actual violence, then your reaction of leaving your children for 4 weeks sounds very very extreme. And you seem to be denying that you left them, just because they weren't actually there at the time confused

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:37:33

Blame - yes kids are fine and happy.
Missy - I only put house up for sale last week, there were no spaces in the refuge near me, nearest was about 30 miles away - yes, I thought it would be easy to just leave and start again, but that is not the case obviously!! Wasn't a big gesture, it was panic at the time and the only thing I could do. I didn't have the money for a court order, and still don't - I asked police and solicitor about it, I know how much it costs!!
I have to stay here until house is sold and as the viewer this morning wants it, so it shouldn't be too long hopefully. Convenience would have been to get proper help when I needed it - instead it was made worse. I have not gone back to him - just the kids and house - I am not his partner anymore!!

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 22:55:18

allnew - yes, it was and I thought it would go a lot worse so had to get out. I tried to leave the house to get away from him, and he tried to physically stop me leaving, I got away from him and called police - he then stormed out of house and my friend had come and got me before he came back - police wouldn't do anything as I wasn't in immediate danger then - just told me to sort it out ourselves and ring 999 if I needed to. Not helpful!! Kids didn't know till next day that I'd had to leave as they weren't there luckily, and I told them I hadn't left them, just him and would sort it as soon as I could. I couldn't just give in, risk it and go back as it was too volatile at the time.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 04-Nov-12 23:01:42

missy she has more of a chance of getting a council house if she went to a refuge...

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 23:11:14

I know, thats what I'm saying. I think that was the intention when she left. When the reality of not being able to get a space in one close by kicked in she has had to change her plans.

I have known women stay in shitty situations because they can't leave with their kids, I have known women who have violent partners and take their kids when they leave, I have never known a woman escape a violent situation and leave her kids there. Sorry if its genuinely the case but I really can't get my head around leaving your children with a violent man and not getting an injunction or something ANYTHING to get him away from the kids.

LittleBearPad Sun 04-Nov-12 23:18:15

Ok so it was too volatile for you to go back but you let your children stay there for four weeks. This is what I (and many others) don't understand.

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 23:38:36

yes it is genuinely the case - i did what i thought was best at the time and other people told me to do it as well, as i didn't want to traumatise the kids by dragging them to a strange place when they had no need to go, just because we had split up - and yes i do know at least 2 other people who have left their kids with their partners for the same reason!!

missymoomoomee Sun 04-Nov-12 23:40:22

You know 2 other people who have left their children with their violent partners... hmm

difficultpickle Sun 04-Nov-12 23:40:28

How old are your children?

Charlene1 Sun 04-Nov-12 23:51:49

yes, and they and the kids are happy now as they are not arguing/being miserable, just adult enough to change the situation for the kids sake

izzywizzyisbizzy Mon 05-Nov-12 00:06:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlene1 Mon 05-Nov-12 00:25:35

Izzy - thank you, that means a lot to me smile

IAmSheWhoMustBeObeyed Mon 05-Nov-12 00:28:43

Op glad you are back home. Now suggest you get it all sorted out, pay 'friends' the amount they want and then cut them loose.

izzywizzyisbizzy Mon 05-Nov-12 00:31:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis Mon 05-Nov-12 00:38:06

Sorry, but I fail to see how a man who is violet towards his wife/gf is second to none as a father. Surely that kind of father doesn't beat his children's mother.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 01:03:03

hang on, so he actually left the house and then you left? why couldn't you have locked all the doors and windows/left keys in locks so he couldn't get his key in and called the police if he tried to? also, you say he physically tried to stop you leave. do you mean standing in your way blocking doors or did he actually become violent? (just to clarify i think blocking exits is scary aswell but isn't violence)

izzywizzyisbizzy Mon 05-Nov-12 01:10:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywizzyisbizzy Mon 05-Nov-12 01:11:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlene1 Mon 05-Nov-12 01:29:17

Booyhoo - I was shaking and terrified at the time, so keys in doors weren't a priority - so are you saying he had to hit me to class it as violence? no, the physical actions of what he did to me, and putting me in fear of being attacked further is as equally as bad - it is irrelevant to this thread what he did and I'm not going into detail because I don't need to explain myself, suffice to say that yes, in law it was violent.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 01:38:08

it's just that everytime you post the story seems to change. of course it was wrong of him to block your exit and no doubt you were terrified but why on earth were you saying there was violence? people would still have supported you leaving if you had said you thought he was going to get violent and that you were intimidated. you have gotten a bit of a kicking on this thread for supposedly leaving your children with a violent man. i cant be sure but i'd say people would not have been so harsh if they knew he wasn't actually violent. why didn't you just say what actually happened?

MikeLitoris Mon 05-Nov-12 08:29:04

no one has said he was in the right, if you felt scared or threatened at any time then you were right to either leave or make him leave.

leaving your dc there is where you lose sympathy from me.

saying you spend all your time there, except for sleeping, and that you have worked through your differences is where you lose more sympathy from me. if this is the case then I can 100% see why your mates where pissed with you.

why should they put you up rent free when you have a home?

MrsDeVere Mon 05-Nov-12 08:41:58

Whatever the ins and outs of the
It is an awful lot to expect someone to provide you with board and lodging for free for 4 weeks.

A gesture would have been nice. Did you help around the house or buy food etc?

Friendships can turn sour when someone feels they are being taken advantage of

allnewtaketwo Mon 05-Nov-12 09:15:37

In the case if both situations, your story is quite unclear. For example the nature of the violence, which you have been very sketchy about, leaving people confused as to whether he was violent or not. Also the payment for board-to me, as to others, it seems that there was an expectation of £65 per week, and now they're being quite reasonable in asking for £200 for 4 weeks, after you not paying anything.

On the face of it, it's not actually clear that any of them have done much wrong. I still don't know whether you partner shouted, blocked your exit, or what. You're refusing to be specific, which makes me wonder whether he actually did anything worthy of you leaving your kids for confused

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 10:02:09

I don't think the op really knows what happened, either!

Look, if you had genuinely fled and had nowhere to go then your friends would be in the wrong IMO.

But you go HOME every single day. You're on speaking terms with your ex. You've "sorted the bad stuff out". You own the house.

It seems like you ARE taking the piss, expecting them to put you up for free when it's not really necessary. But I'm only reaching this conclusion because you've been all over the place in your explanation so I'm totally confused!

Charlene1 Mon 05-Nov-12 20:25:36

boo - i'm not changing story, i am just sick of people having a go and twisting things when it's not relevant to what i asked for help with and making me feel worse.
mike - i couldn't stay there - once the kids were in bed it would have been just me and him and he was constantly pressuring me amongst other things, and I couldn't take it, I would have cracked up.
MrsDevere - I never expected anything for free - I was like a zombie for at least the first week and a complete mess. I helped when i could - i offered to help with cleaning but was told it wasn't necessary, i paid for things when needed.
allnew - there was never any expectation of £65pw - that is the average cost I saw advertised for a bedsit/houseshare - it was never discussed. No one needs to know what my ex did and said, certainly not on here, it's no one else's business, but yes, it was very "worthy" of leaving him - I didn't leave my kids, how many more times do i have to say that!
walter - it was necessary, not taking the piss, not expecting anything for free - they told me not to go back to him and to stay there, knowing full well I had no money! I had to go home to see my kids as they weren't with me - I wasn't going to stay away from them!!

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 20:51:58

of course its all relevant! you want us to say "oh no, you poor thing!" but, its all relevant. I'd be pissed off if my friend fled from a supposedly violent relationship, and left their kids there. (and you did leave them, you said it yourself)

I stand by my initial assessment, you sound like a spoilt, selfish kid.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 20:59:59

i agree i do think it's relevant. very relevant if infact you told your friends the same as you told us and then kept avoiding answering what he actually did. if they thought they were helping a friend fleeing violence and then found out there wasn't actually any violence then they may feel you were taking advantage which could explain why they suddenly went cold with you and decided to charge you rent as it turned out you could infact go back home (which you were doing) . of course you dont have to explain yourself to us, but equally, you cant expect people to fully support you if they dont know what they are supporting.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:01:52

boo, yep, yep, yep.

you cant tell half a story and expect answers.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 05-Nov-12 21:16:20

fwiw, i havent had a dig at you at all, doing what you did is something i come across rather a lot however it does not change the fact that it was an incredably stupid action.

however by returning hopefully you can rectify it.

might i surgest you do not leave the children in his care in the house in your absence over night again. the last thing you need is for him to be able to claim he is the pwc and obtain residency based on that.

secondly and im shocked you havent been told this, should he become aggressive towards you again you can call 999 he does not have to punch you before you can, the police can obtain a short term order and/or bail conditions prohibiting him from coming back to the house.

should he be convicted of any offence that occured during a domestic incident the cps can apply for a protection order again at no expence to you.

and legal aid is still availible for cases involving domestic violence however, if you cannot get legal aid and really cannot afford a solisiter you can apply to the court yourself all you need is the court fee unless you are the type of person who goes to pieces or clams up under presure if it comes to it you can obtain an occupation order to remove him by yourself.

to those to stupid to understand you dont have to be punched to be experancing domestic violence.

pushing shoving preventing a person from leaving, intimidating screaming in a persons face breaking things restricting movements using fear to control is domestic violence. i have lost count of the amount of abusers who justify there behaviour by saying things like "but i never actually hit him/her"

putting a person in fear of violence even if you dont actually strike them is assult and as such is domestic violence.

Charlene1 Mon 05-Nov-12 21:17:52

Blame/Boo - no, i don't want people to feel sorry for me, i wanted help about the money - my friends knew everything that had happened that night and lots of stuff that's happened to me before - which I say again does not need to be detailed on here - if you want to think i am a "spoilt selfish kid" for being pushed to breaking point and getting out of a life of hell then fine, you think that - but I hope it never happens to you, as you have obviously had a perfect life and not been in a violent and abusive situation - and it WAS at the time, nor felt so desperate that you had no option but to get out and not go back. Try reading on other boards what other women go through with their partners, some left because of a lot less, most a lot more, but you would probably sneer at them as well! For christ's sake, my friend told me to stay with them as long as i needed to, and not go back, and I couldn't have my kids with me!!
They know everything about me and knew what I was having to face by going back every day to see my kids!!
Please stop posting comments like that on this thread, as you are upsetting me, and I don't need it - this is supposed to be a support board, not an excuse to kick someone even more.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:18:57

sock, absolutely. dv comes in many shapes and sizes. but they op has been v cagey and left the kids in his care those arent the actions of someone who is scared of their partner.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:22:49

actually, I've been here for y6 years, and wouldnt dream of sneering at someone experiencing dv. you know nothing about me or my life. my dad and sd were both very violent, abusive bullies. I called the police 4 times and left home, taking my brothers with me. because I would not leave children in the care of a violent bully. dont presume, love, you know fuck all.

grow up, you have been dripfeeding and evasive.

BooyhooRemembering Mon 05-Nov-12 21:29:14

" but I hope it never happens to you, as you have obviously had a perfect life and not been in a violent and abusive situation "

wrong. i have been punched, raped, had a screwdriver thrown at my face when pregnant and lots more. i dont wish to minimise what happened to you. and i believe you were in fear and that you thought he was going to hurt you.

my problem with this thread is that when asked if tehre was violence you said yes, then you suffered an huge onslaught of posters 'losing sympathy for you' and even doubting you because you left your dcs with a violent man, however you have then become really sketchy about what actually happened. people cannot possibly respond to your question about what you should or shouldn't pay your friends because no-one actually knows what happened. and you cant really blame people for thinking your friends were just as confused as we are. again, i dont want to you go into detail. but you could have saved alot of this silliness if you had just said at the start, "no he wasn't violent, i thought he was going to be so i left" IF that is the case, to be quite honest i still cant tell whether he was or wasn't.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 05-Nov-12 21:29:22

you would probally be extreamly surprised at the amount of mothers who do leave there children in the care of a abusive ex because they have not been able to take them and they belive they cant get help to get them back or do not know there options especially when the abuse is not directly punching or they belive the dc's will not be harmed.or have given into pressure from the other parent.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:33:54

sock, maybe, but I cant imagine doing it. nor have any of my friends. its not just that, the op has been incredibly evasive and insists that background isnt relevant.

BlameItOnTheCuerveForTreason Mon 05-Nov-12 21:34:44

anyway, I'm leaving this thread now.

op, good luck.

allnewtaketwo Mon 05-Nov-12 21:56:26

So maybe its a complete coincidence that your friends are pissed off with you, and that on here people are doubting your sketchy confused stories?

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