debt and thoughts of suicide

(271 Posts)
joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 21:33:23

I am a single mum with a ten year old.i am drowning in debt and santander are taking me to court on the 5th november for repossession.the council and debts agencies are pushingme from pillar to daughter goes away on sunday for 1 week.i feel quite calm now as im planning to take my life.i know she will be looked after.i dont even know why im jyst desperate i suppose

omletta Thu 25-Oct-12 21:35:17

Stop. Your child needs you. It's only money.

Have you been to cab?
There will be someone who knows more than me about this.
I'm here to hold your hand if you want.

MoreBeta Thu 25-Oct-12 21:43:45

Stop. You need to declare yourself bankrupt and you need to do it without delay. Your creditors will not be allowed to pursue you once you have filled in the relevant forms and your affairs have been taken over by a bankruptcy trustee appointed by the court.

You will be debt free in a year and start again.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 21:44:07

Thank you ive done CAB the council and just going round in circles.its not only money when you are homeless- i just can t see a way out or a time when it would be bettet

stargirl1701 Thu 25-Oct-12 21:45:15

Don't do this. Your baby needs you. Money is not important. You will get past this.

Please phone The Samaritans. Please. Talk to someone tonight. Keep posting if it helps.

MoreBeta Thu 25-Oct-12 21:45:48

Get down to CAB straight away and they will help you through it. Look at their website from the link I put in my post above.

You can do that next week. You can regain control of your life. I have seen people in your situation and seen them come through it. The worst thing is the creditors hassling. You can make them stop.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 21:48:24

Thank you thank you.i have spoken to cab cccs and the council all comes down to me at the end of the day.everyone is kind but i just dint have the heartorenergy anymore

hattifattner Thu 25-Oct-12 21:49:11

please contact the cccs - get yourself an appointment with them and give them all the details of all the debts. Let them help you. They are experts and they can stop all the harrassment and all the stress.

Do it tomorrow, so that you can tell Santander (and any judge, if it gets to court) that you are taking positive proactive steps to manage your debts - including theirs.

Please dont take the cowards way out - your child needs a mum, and if you get a debt plan in place, you will still have some money for the essentials in life, and not be taking food from her mouth to pay the baliffs. You may find, day to day, that you have more to spend on the essentials. Once all the essential stuff is bought, then you pay whatever is left to your creditors. SO you may owe them £3k, but if you can only afford to pay back £3 a week, then thats what they will get. The CCCS will also try and get the interest stopped altogether. Please give them a call.

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 21:49:36

It sounds like a really difficult time and planning to take your life seems the only way - I understand that.

You're not sure why you are posting, but you are posting, which sounds to me like you might want support and help in finding a different way out?

It's good that you are posting. There are people on here and in RL can help you, even if you're not sure how at the moment. Being not sure is ok.

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 21:49:53

joee123,you cant see it getting better,but that doesnt mean at all that it wont be better. Hang on in there.
Have you told anyone in rl about your debt problems,apart from the agencies?

MrsBungleBear Thu 25-Oct-12 21:51:15

08457 90 90 90

Joee, please phone the Samaritans and talk to someone. You don't need to do this and your daughter needs you.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 21:53:39

Thankyou i had an emergency session today with cccs.they were kind.they saud concentrate on court then worry about the creditors.after leaving a dv situation with a new born child.10 years down the line all the debts are clisung in and we re lising iurhome

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Thu 25-Oct-12 21:55:07

Op-I have no advice I'm afraid, but I wanted to say your dd needs you.

Please do not hurt yourself.
For your dd.
Just because you can't see it getting better, doesn't mean it won't.
if your home is taken, the council will house you.

Please take the advice of others on here.

Is there anyone in rl who can help support you at the moment?

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 21:55:52

dont know much about any of this,but do you have someone who you can stay with if it comes to that?

cynister Thu 25-Oct-12 21:58:23

Joee, I have nothing else to add, except your child needs her mother. I am going to light a candle and say a prayer for you. You matter..xx

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 21:59:16

If theres an eviction order we d be placed in b&b by the council.sorry i dont know what rl is

giftorloan Thu 25-Oct-12 22:00:09

o gosh, what a really difficult time for you, joee. I think that you really need to see your gp as well as finanical services. suicide is NOT an option, love, not with a child as young as yours. (And i speak as one who has tried it).
your financial position can be altered, and your perception and mood can be improved.
go to the gp.
follow the financial advice on here.
post on here. there is ALWAYS someone to talk to.
most importantly, make a (secret) promise to your dd that you see her into her adulthood.

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 22:01:08

rl means real life.

MrsBungleBear Thu 25-Oct-12 22:01:25

RL means real land Joee. Are there any friends or family you can talk to?

Or The Samaritans (I gave the number above) if you prefer to talk to someone you don't know.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Thu 25-Oct-12 22:01:43

Rl is real life

CheeryCherry Thu 25-Oct-12 22:01:46

Joee please think of your child...she needs you in her life. So many people are in debt right now and there is help out there. Please ring the Samaritans, they will ring you back and will have all the time in the world to help you through this. Hang on in there.

topknob Thu 25-Oct-12 22:01:49

FFS op, it is only money, if you don't have it they can't have it...seriously your dd is much more important than some wanky loan/debt company, repayments can always be arranged even if they say no, fill in their wanky forms and PROVE you cannot meet their demands....I have loads of debt, I would never take my life over it, no matter how bad it gets, if I don't have it they can't have it !

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 22:02:49

It sounds like you need to speak to someone who can listen to how this is making you feel, rather than just trying to deal with the practicalities. As others are saying the Samaritans are great at that - they will listen to you and let you tell them everything that's going on. Then solutions will follow.

Keep posting. It's showing that you do want help and another way if possible, am I right?

You say your daughter will be looked after, do you think she'd prefer you, or someone else to look after her?

MrsBungleBear Thu 25-Oct-12 22:03:29

real life (sorry, typo)

kilmuir Thu 25-Oct-12 22:04:17

it is only money.
look at your daughter, do you really want to leave her on her own?
some great advice on here.
i wish you well, hang in there and go bankrupt if you must

ChristmasKate Thu 25-Oct-12 22:05:17

My aunt killed herself when my cousin was 11 and I was 15.

It ruined her fucking life forever, she never ever got over the fact that her mum didn't love her enough to stay with her (even though the suicide note said differently)

My cousin became destructive, she changed from a fun loving preteen to self hater, she skipped from one desperate relationship to another and allowed anyone to abuse her just so she could feel love again.

And that is still going on today, 20 years after her other took her love away by killing herself.

Don't do it.

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 22:06:53

Oh honey, you poor poor thing - i know how horrible debt can be, it can feel so overwhelming. Have you spoken to anyone about the repossesion? can it be avoided? If it can't then fuck it, its only a house - it could actually work in your favour, you will be entitled to housing benefits if you are not working etc, if you are working you'll get help. It will be shit, but afterwards i think you'll think it was the best thing that can happen. You HAVE to take this attitude to it you have to.

Have the cscs offered a definate plan of action? IVA? debt management plan? We were in a terrible state, we owed so much money, behind with mortgage but the worst thing was the multiple creditors harrassing us for money all the time. The solution for us was a debt management plan and now we pay £100 a month on 15k worth of debts and will be clear in 11 years. It seems a long time but £100 is managable.

You seem very calm and practical about taking your life - so redirect that calmness and objectivity into sorting your debts out. If the house goes, its a new start, a clean slate for you and your daughter.

The other posters are right, your DD needs YOU, you wont be on the streets, that wont happen it just wont.

I have been suicidal with the pressure of debts and struggled for a long time, with the help of mumsnet, my DR and anti-depressants i got through it. We still have debts, im not convinced we will keep our house, but i know i will get throuh it. I woudl imagine how i would do it, but then i would imagine my DD visiting my grave and that snapped me out of it.

There is no-one like your mum, please try to imagine your DDs first period, she will want her mum, when she is falling out with her best friend at school, she will want her mum, first boyfriend, she will want her mum. Picture her wedding day, the happiest day of her life, but there will be a big pit of sadness in her tummy because her mum isn't there. Everything good that happens to your DD will be tainted if you do this because you wont be there to share it with her. Everything bad that happens to your DD will be worse becaues you wont be there to get her through it.

Try and see past this horrible stage of your life, its at rock bottom just now, but two years down the line it will be sorted one way or another, you'll be on top of your debts, you might have a new job, a new man even, you'll be in your kitchen making a cup of tea and just feel overwhelmed with a sense of calm and happy, your DD will be 12 and entering into a really big stage of her life, she will be making decisions at school about what she wants to do, you'll be helping her with it, you will have girlie nights in together watching your favourite tv programs, i think you'll have a cat too, a ginger one.

Be strong now, you have hard things to face, but the good stuff is waiting for you - i promise.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 22:07:35

I dont even know why im posting here.but u re not in my shoes.when you re about to lose the roof over your head

MrsBungleBear Thu 25-Oct-12 22:08:17

I have to go now Joee, please phone the Samaritans. Don't leave your little girl, she really needs her mum. xx

TramadolJacket Thu 25-Oct-12 22:08:29

Please listen to what other posters have said and contact the Samaritans or someone in rl if possible.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. We were 60k in debt and drowning in repayments a couple of years back, I couldn't face opening the post or see any way out. CCCS really helped us, we got an IVA and are three years into it, we also had the option of bankruptcy. I have a lot of friends who have been in similar situations and it can be resolved, I know it doesn't feel like it, but things will get better xx

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 22:11:39

You are right, no-one here is in your shoes. How are you feeling about speaking to the samaritans? - they won't judge you, or tell you you are wrong for feeling the way you are. They will listen to you and understand.

Teahouse Thu 25-Oct-12 22:11:51

Well done for asking for help.
B&B would not be ideal but your daughter would rather be there with you, than anywhere without you.
Have you no family support? What about your DDs father?
Is there no support you can get through work?
Check out all options

stickyj Thu 25-Oct-12 22:12:52

Joee, I have no idea where you are in the country. I can say that my friend's husband died 18 months ago and her daughter was around 12/13. She is still around, breaking her heart sometimes but planning her 50th.

I cannot sort your debts out for you but I can give you and your little girl a space to stay. She is a little girl/woman to be and there is no way you can leave her because me, and all the other of Mumsnetters won't let you go, you or her.

We are always there for parents/kids that have diseases that we can only hope to help/cure. Sometimes we can help/sometimes we lose children that life takes away from us all, parents, people on here.

We can help you because you know what, it's just money, we can and will help you.

I can only speak for myself but I can give you my email, my phone number and a place for you all at Xmas at my table.

That is the power of Mumsnet, let us let help x

cynister Thu 25-Oct-12 22:13:00

Joee..I promise you, you are not alone. A mate of mine is about to give birth to her second child, and is facing eviction from her flat. I absolutely can not walk in your shoes, but I can say I have experienced the feelings of desperation and hopelessness you are dealing with. Please contact your gp and the Sammaritans..their is hope..

giftorloan Thu 25-Oct-12 22:15:45

no, Joee, you're right. we're not in your shoes right now.
but it looks as if many, many posters have had problems with debt. many, many have lost their houses / possessions. many, many have struggled with the feeling that they can't go on with life.
now is the time that you get help. get plans put in place with creditors, as suggested. get in touch with the Samaritans. go and see your GP.
you're not alone in this, Joee. but you MUST put your daughter first before ANYTHING else. she loves and needs you. THAT is far far more important than your house.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 22:16:08

I think as mych as we love each other her dad or others in my family would give her a better life. I work full time and am still working at the moment

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 22:16:20

You are right.Most of us are not in your shoes.
But there are other rooves.
You and your DD will shelter under a different one,after she comes back from her week away.
She will need you to look after her. And you are the best person in the whole wide world to look after her.

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 22:17:01

joeee maybe none of us here are exactly where you are now, i for one have struggled with debts and i do understand just how shit it is i really do. The one thing you can be sure of though is that we all care. Human nature and all that.

It must feel so scary not knowing what will happen, but i garuntee you it wont be as bad as you think it never is. Never is, unless you lose a loved one, that is the worst thing that can happen.

You say your DD will be looked after, who will do this?

cantreachmytoes Thu 25-Oct-12 22:17:36

Joee, it sounds absolutely horrendous. You sound like you have had a tough time for a long time. It is ok to feel like utter crap, BUT, do you want your daughter to feel like this too? If her mother kills herself because of money, then it will show her that she was not the most important thing/person in her mother's life. That will cause her more damage than you can imagine.
The alternative is very hard for you, I understand and you have no more energy to deal with it, that is understandable. You obviously love your daughter, but perhaps you forget just how important you are to her. Maybe you will have to live in a B&B and maybe it won't be nice, but that experience will be 1000 times better for your daughter than living the rest of her childhood and life without you, without her mother. She needs her mum far more than she needs money. The memories you will have together, even the teenage arguments, are more important to her than winning the lottery.
You really do have every right to feel hopeless, but there are ways out as people are trying to show you.
Money is really important, but not more important than your value to your daughter. Tell somebody, tell more than one person tomorrow, even if you don't feel like it (what do you have to lose anyway at this point?), exactly what you are telling us. Make sure they take you seriously. There IS help and you are not alone. Please keep posting.

PatriciaHolm Thu 25-Oct-12 22:18:17

No, we are not in your shoes. But we know enough about life, about children, to know your DD needs YOU, not whoever else you think will look after her. She wants YOU, whereever you end up, not to be alone. Please, call the Samaritans.

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 22:18:39

wow - you are amazing, all this pressure and you are still working! fuck, you're a stronger woman than i am! You are going to be a brilliant role model for your DD. Tell me about your job, what do you do?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Thu 25-Oct-12 22:19:40

But she won't want a better life op

She would want YOU

fuckadoodlepoopoo Thu 25-Oct-12 22:20:22

I dont even know why im posting here.but u re not in my shoes.when you re about to lose the roof over your head

Well your daughter is about to lose her mother! Doesn't really compare does it.

I thought you said you left an abusive relationship when you daughter what a newborn? And now you're saying this man can give her a better life?

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 25-Oct-12 22:21:25

Money can be sorted - it's not really real in the same way as your beautiful daughter is. She wouldn't be alright without you, she'd be devastated.

Trust that you will always have a roof over your head, you just don't know which one ATM. You maybe can't see the path ahead, but neither can any of us all the time.

Things can work out especially when you seek help and support like you are doing now. GP and Samaritans will both be there to listen as well as us here.

Be strong for your daughter, she needs you.

FoxtrotFoxtrotScarier Thu 25-Oct-12 22:21:30

I know it feels hopeless right now but it is only money, and a house. The onlu important things are you and your daughter - the rest are just froth.

Please look into going bankrupt. If you're so overcome by debt that you can't see any way out other than suicide you need to use one of the legal processes to help you with the situation. It is desperate, as you say, but not insurmountable.

Bankruptcy is a much nicer process than people think it is - the point is to help you and stop you drowning in debt. You'll be given a fresh start, and you can rebuild you and your daughter's lives without the hangover of debt. With the housing thing - if you're being taken to court for repossession the mortgage is obviously a problem for you, so wouldn't it be better not to have to worry about it? You may end up living somewhere less than ideal for a while, but the local authority have a duty to house you and you will end up with somewhere you can call home again.

Where are you in the country? Do you have someone to go to court with you on 5 November? Taking some support will make it much less difficult for you.

I used to work in bankruptcy so if you want to chat about it please PM me and I'll guide you through it.

Your dd will only get one mum. Trust me no one comes close. I lost my mum at 13. I'm 38 now and not a day goes by when I don't think about her.
I have my own dc's now and I would give anything for them to meet her for one minute.
One mum that is all your dd will get and that is all.
Life is hard I'm a single mum working full time some days are bloody soul destroying.
Please I begging you don't give up.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe Thu 25-Oct-12 22:22:55

Where are you op?

What area do you live in?

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 22:25:56

It's great to hear how much you love each other. You want to do the best thing for your daughter, and taking your life is seeming to be the best solution right now.

I can understand you thinking others will do it better. But it might be that that is just how you are feeling at the moment. HAve you been feeling this way for long?

I may be wrong Joee, but I can't help but feel you do want to find another way, and that is why you are posting. Part of you is not sure about wanting to die?

If I am wrong I am sorry. I don't mean to tell you how you are feeling - you are the only one who knows that. Please tell us more about why it is now that everything seems like its heading towards taking your life.

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 22:26:42

Have you been able to eat anything today?

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 22:30:06

I'll come to court with you, where are you?

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 22:31:05

I've done this, ive been to court with my DP when a company tried to get money from us that we coudnt afford, the judge found in our favour, im like a rotweiller with a bone i am!

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 25-Oct-12 22:33:02

Maybe her Dad and others could play a bigger part in supporting your daughter and you and you'd still be around for her too ! Wouldn't that be so much better for everyone ? I think there are more options than you've explored yet and maybe we can help you begin to look at some of them ...

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 22:35:41

Sounds like you've been doing really well in working full time through all this - do you like your job? Are they being supportive?

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 22:40:13

Ironically i work with very vulnerabke young people.its not well paid butit matters to me.i have 3 real goid friends i have written to and some great people at jyst seens easier to tell you guys how im feeling

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 22:47:05

its always easier with faceless strangers joee, we are here for you.

Your job matters to the people you work with as well, what will THEY do if you leave them? You make a difference to their lives, this is amazing. You sound like a very selfless person. I bet your DD is so so proud of you.

Tell me about your DD, whats her favourite thing to do?

kilmuir Thu 25-Oct-12 22:47:43

we are pleased you feel able to tell us. we all want to help

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 22:47:52

If you do lose your house you have not failed your DD.
Have a liitle to eat and a cup of decaff for a little energy.
You need a little fighting spirit. We on MN can help you with that bit.

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 22:47:59

Well if posting on here is what's helping at the moment - go with it.

I know how hard it can be when you're the one normally being strong and giving out help and support and then find yourself needing it too - guess what. You're human too smile

And worthy of support.

But you'll also know from your work that talking is important. To people around you who can give you a big hug and be there for you.

Is there anyone you can think of you might be able to talk to - these feelings are very serious if you are making a plan for a time very soon.

kilmuir Thu 25-Oct-12 22:49:47

you must be quite a strong woman. being a single parent is hard work, you work full time , this debt is a pain in the arse, but you can get through it. people out there, and here, can advise you.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 22:58:07

At school the kids were asked to talk about who inspires them, n she says my mum! :-) and i do think alot of the young people i work with sometimes over years. So I do think of her and the others i would worry about folks are in their 70 s and i have brother in Oz.i know they d be devastated.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:00:23

With this stuff with santander who ve been shits- i just cant seem ti see a way through.we ve lived here 10 years, all her life.and they want to evict us over £5k

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 23:00:31

she sounds lovely.

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 23:02:38

organisations can sometimes be faceless.
They can sometimes just deal with facts and figures.

CheeryCherry Thu 25-Oct-12 23:04:08

You are doing so well to hold down a job and all this stress, its admirable, it really is. There are some very caring MNetters on here for you, lots of us can help. Whereabouts in the country are you? So glad you have good friends....Just think how they would be desperate to help you, as you would if the tables were turned. Grab all the support you can, this is your time of need. And the help is there for you.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:05:07

She is and i amv proud of her heart and her humour.faceless doesnt begin to cover woman told me i had 7 days to sell the house

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 23:09:19

7 days to sell the house. Ludicrous.
That isnt the normal procedure surely.
Was the woman from santander?

MrsHoarder Thu 25-Oct-12 23:10:35

Look at it this way, if you have nothing else left to loose, why not ring your friends and tell them you need moral support at an eviction hearing. If any of my friends were facing that I'd go and stand by them even if I couldn't offer practical help. If youare near me I'd do it without knowing you.

You sound like a fab mum, building a life for your dd. Yes you're facingproblems now, but stay with her, sleep on the spa of whomever can offer the pair of you a bed and she'll probably remember it as an adventure.

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 23:12:26

Your daughter sounds amazing. You are the sort of person our society should be giving full support to. It stinks that someone like you is feeling this way, that there doesn't seem to be another way through.

But I'm really worried that actually you have so much going for you - your daughter, your work, friends and colleagues - but you also have this plan that's coming up soon, it's really putting at risk the part of you that wants to work, wants to find a way through and do the best thing for your daughter in a different way.

You say you have a plan - have you worked out how you will take your life?

Keep posting obviously if its helping, but do you think you could do anything tomorrow to find RL support?

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:13:16

Have the bank helped you AT ALL? over this time? If they haven't done anything in the way of offering arrangements to pay off arrears that you can AFFORD, then they have not helped you sufficiently and this might buy you some time. Is there any equity in the house?

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:16:34

Yeah that was santander :-( .i ve worn myself out now with howling! But i feel better for posting. Im at work tomorrow so some ' normality'. Huge thank you s to everyone who s responded. I will definitely come back for your support as I know the next week will be the worst.big thank yous xxx

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 23:20:10


joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:21:12

I even asked the council for mortgage rescue, but they said that was theur last resort! Xx

DIddled Thu 25-Oct-12 23:21:46

Hang on in there Joee your baby needs you and the money stuff is just money! You are brave and amazing and we are here for you xxx And sticky your post made me cry you are very lovely and kind xxx

Hugs to you Joee - it will all work out xxx

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:25:39

Do come back whenever you feel the need, feel free to PM me, we will hold your hand through this. You are not alone. Remember that the samaritans are there too if you need to hear a voice.

Also, think about posting in legal matters as there may be people there who can help you with practical advice.

Could you find the strength maybe to phone "the national debt line" they were bar far, i found, the best in terms of advice. I found the CCCS a little bit too blunt about things. National debt line were brilliant.

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:26:32

Not today obviously, when you are feeling a bit stronger - i hope you have a decent nights sleep tonight xxx

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:26:36

Thank you thank you xxx i will definitely come back

kilmuir Thu 25-Oct-12 23:27:56

national debt line were great with a friend of mine. do give them a call, they will guide you and help lift the dark cloud

Defragged Thu 25-Oct-12 23:28:10

Good to know you're better for posting. and great to hear your feeling like facing next week with support. That's a huge shift - good for you smile
My instinct is you will feel even better with RL support too, I know it's hard, but please, please think about that.
Do let us know tomorrow how you're doing.
Amazing woman facing the world tomorrow.
Sleep well.

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:28:44

Ive not heard of mortgage rescue, but see if you can push that again, if they can help you over this stage then it would cost them a lot less in the long run if you went "homeless" gave up work and went on benefits!! (might even look this up myself as i know we have a difficult few months ahead of us in the new year). You are inspirational! Keep going - i promise you, this time next year this will seem like a bad dream.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:29:13

Thank you.i had an emergency session with cccs today.the council insisted i went through themxxx

kilmuir Thu 25-Oct-12 23:29:15

sleep well. grab tomorrow by the balls, start of new beginnings. stand tall, tits out, you can get through this

CheeryCherry Thu 25-Oct-12 23:31:38

Take care x

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:32:24

Thank you again everyone and speak tomorrow. As my colleagues tell ne, i may not be Wonderwoman but I am a good one !! Thank you xxx

kilmuir Thu 25-Oct-12 23:34:16

look forward to catching up tomorrow

BettySuarez Thu 25-Oct-12 23:35:08

Someone should tweet a link to this thread to fucking Santander, How dare they treat someone in this way sad

RyleDup Thu 25-Oct-12 23:37:48

Keep talking sweetie. As other people have said, money is just money. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just can't see it yet. Please keep posting back, support is always here for you.

Merinda Thu 25-Oct-12 23:38:27

joee123, I have had some really horrible times in life, so understand completely how you feel.
BUT, your daughter needs you! She needs someone to confide into, to share her joys and dreams. She will need her mom at her side for advice, for the tough times, for the happy times. Nobody will be able to feel that void.
You need to be strong for her.
And you will sort it out, one step at a time. Just prepare mentally for a load of sh.t, but you will be fine.
Think of all the wonderful times you have and will spend together with your daughter!

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:38:55

They've been absolute shits :-( they have tried to force me to make arrangenents I just can t afford. Maybe whats happenung to me could help someone else xx

LittleTyga Thu 25-Oct-12 23:42:31

Joee I was where you were the last time the Tories were in and we had a big recession. Mortgage, credit cards, car loans etc etc......made redundant - more debt - found another job - made redundant - more debt - everytime I look back I see darkness and despair - it was awful. Flat was repossessed - I had to go back home and live with my parents - but I still had my health - I know it's a glib thing to say - but you can make a fresh start - start again, rid yourself from all this. Please do not kill yourself over money. You'll get through this and your daughter sounds adorable.

Im now living a debt free life, no credit, working hard and two beautiful daughters. You'll get through this and come out the other side where the sun will shine again and you and your daughter can relax and have fun again.

We're here for you - you can do it smile

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:42:42

Night everyone thank you again and speak tomorrow definitely xxx

lucyellenmum Thu 25-Oct-12 23:44:26

They sound like utter cunts to be honest, but you know, i think you need to go to bed now. Store that anger and throw it back at the fuckers at the right time. Talk to the national debt line when you have some time (might be an idea to get a budget sheet done before you do - there is a template in their website and it sorts all the monthly, weekly payments etc for you - does the maths) Will help you come up with a proposal with all the figures, priority debts first and how you will pay etc, then the annoying niggly fuckers get whats left, even if its a pound a month! Once you have a reasonable plan you then can present that to the court. An AFFORDABLE plan that you can stick to, show them how commited you are to it. This buys you time and allows you to plan what next. You can do this! Im sure you would fight like a tigress for your youngsters you work wiht, do it for yourself, you are worth it.

Now - bed!!! <stern>

Flumpy2012 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:45:43


Firstly I don't know exactly how you feel but I have hit absolute rock bottom over debts and it was an awful time, I didn't have a child though. But a stranger basically saved me and I owe him for the turning point in my life. People say its only money but it's not it's everything unfortunately. So firstly massive hugs.

Secondly please please pm me if you need somewhere to go. A stranger helped me and I would do the same for anyone else, I may not be close by but I couldn't see you and DD homeless. I know no one will truly understand how you're feeling and you will just want out but please know there is kindness and humanity left and sometimes when you've no idea how to put one foot in front of the other anymore the person you least expect will carry you xx

RyleDup Thu 25-Oct-12 23:48:04

No Joee, it wouldn't help someone else. You would become another statistic, thats all. But for your daughter, it would mean everything. Suicide is not the way forward. If you can't pay back, declare bankcruptcy. Someone posted a link upthread on what to do. Just do it. It will free you of the debt, and your child needs you. Which is the most important thing, yes?

Flippityjig Thu 25-Oct-12 23:50:34

We have some debt problems too and I know how it feels when they hassle you. These banks and loan companies are all bullies and just out to scare you. I found a wonderful forum where people who had been through similar problems advise others, I think it's but will check tomorrow and post the link here. They are great at helping. There will be a way out of this. But you will ruin your daughter's life if you take your life, no matter whether you think she's better off with others. She loves you and will never understand why you would leave her. Please hang in in there, there's always a way.

I'll come to court with you, whereabouts in the country are you? Or help you write to Santander (I'm dealing with them as well). Or anything else I can do to help.

joee123 Thu 25-Oct-12 23:50:57

Bless you.I see kindness and humanity everyday at work in often the worst situations.i am going to sleep now, but will definitely be back tomorrow xxx

babysaurus Fri 26-Oct-12 00:00:32

Joee123 I have only skim read the thread but had to post.

Santanter are cunts. Me and DH were, for various reasons, deeply in the red and then they wrote and told us they were putting the credit card interest up to 30%. If we weren't happy with this we could close the account. We didn't have the 8k we needed to close the account so ended up selling up and moving to a far smaller house and are still (not solely still due to Santander) in the red.

As so many others have said, money is not worth your daughter losing her mother for. But I am starting to suspect you see that too.

Everyone, even if currrently anonymous, is here for you. I suspect you are starting to know that too wink

Please come back tomorrow. PLEASE xx

DIddled Fri 26-Oct-12 00:02:28

Sleep tight Joee and you'd better get back n here tomorrow!!? Xxxxx look at flumpy and flip- these people really want to help! Mumsnet have saved my sanity on a couple of occasions-hope they can do this for you too xxxxxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 07:18:03

Just letting everyone know I am up and getting ready for work.Getting girl up for a day with famuly.Thank you agsun and I ll post later xxx

Just caught up with this joee. Aren't mumsnetters amazing?

So are you, btw. Have a good day x

amillionyears Fri 26-Oct-12 07:30:58


Mnetters are always here for everyone,day and night. x

Joe have a good day. I was worried about you last night. You can and will get through this. I feel so angry about how your being treated.
Today is a new day. We will all be here when you need us.

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 08:05:14

I am off to work which seems more normal. I ll be bak later thanks everyone xxx

fuckadoodlepoopoo Fri 26-Oct-12 08:12:31

Santander are a nightmare! We've tried to improve our situation of debt and they just didn't want to help at all! We came up with a solution but they kept putting more and more obstacles in our way. My dh went in to try to prove our financial hardship and they just didn't want to know.

Id move banks if i didn't owe them so much money!

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 08:23:37

I was 8 years with A & L until sadly Santander took over :-( they really are dreadful to deal with

fuckadoodlepoopoo Fri 26-Oct-12 08:44:27

Do you have a zero account? I used to get loads of charges on my account which screwed me over until i switched to that. I think its available to anyone who also has a mortgage with them.

lucyellenmum Fri 26-Oct-12 08:55:36

So glad to see your update and that you are feeling a bit stronger. One step at a time, we are all rooting for you.

Objectivity is your friend Joeey, fucking banks, quite happy to encourge practically force it on people people to borrow money but suddenly not interested in helping when people are struggling, it makes me seethe.

Don't let the bastards get you down - you are a fantastic and capable woman, you will come through this.

Honey, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. Don't give up - your daughter needs you. There are thousands of people in your position so you're not alone. I've heard Satan-der are right shits so don't let the bastards grind you down. You are needed in this world!!

Xroads Fri 26-Oct-12 09:01:54

Well done Joee123

I tried to od at 18 due to undiagnosed PND and circumstances - like being abused by my ex, another ex stalking me, thought dd would be better off if someone else looked after her, I didn't succeed, a year later I evicted from a flat, aged 19 with a 2yr old, no money was on prozac and was being abused.

11yrs on I am married, have dd2, run my own business and over the past 2 yrs have started being creative, I paint and do floristry.

I'm still in debt but will be totally debt free in 18mths.

It hasn't been easy but I'm here. You CAN deal with this just do 1 day at a time x

Xposted re bastards! smile

MrsBungleBear Fri 26-Oct-12 09:06:16

Glad to see your update Joee. Sending you lots of strength xx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 09:29:08

Thank you thank you all.please keep posting all your thoughts and ideas.It really is helping to give me some strength back xxx

amillionyears Fri 26-Oct-12 09:40:20
joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 09:42:38

Aaaagrhhh:-( all that profit and no thought for customers X

lucyellenmum Fri 26-Oct-12 09:44:48

This is good joeeee.

I have just had a thought actually, a slightly different situation but this may be worth looking at. We had a CCJ that we couldn't keep up with and they put a charging order on our house. This was over just about £1,000. I was convinced we would lose our house. When we spoke to their lawyer at the court we expressed this concern and he said that it is a human rights issue, we have our DD to keep housed and no court would force a sale over that amount of money. It might be worth using that angle in your case, especially if they have been less than helpful. Now you said there were arrangements but you couldnt' afford them - had they asked for incoming/outgoings details? When we were in mortgage arrears we originally agreed to an arrangement that meant we were paying over £1,000 a month shock we couldnt maintain it and of course it made things worse so what they did was put us on interest only, but still collected the normal amount of money each month (about 600) and used it to pay off the arrears. Effectively putting the main mortgage on hold. This cleared the arrears. It is never too late to come up with offers, realistic ones.

The thing is, if you can't afford your normal payments it may be time to consider calling it a day on the house but it makes sense to fight for the opportunity to be able to sell on the open market rather than have to just hand back the keys.

Just because you are in debt doesn't mean you don't have any rights, find out what these are, look for things you can do. You have a child that will be made homeless (now we all know that this wont happen!!) technically if the bank persue this, you can definately use this in your favour.

Maybe make an appointment with your MP??

LittleTyga Fri 26-Oct-12 11:42:42

Getting good debt advice for me was a revelation! There was so much I didn't know - The most satisfying moment when I felt I had turned a corner was when my Mortgage company phoned me at work and I was able to say - I am dealing with this matter, I will write to you in due course and if you phone me again I will call the police and report you for harassment - Apparently it is against the law for companies to harass you for money - Get some other advice - there is loads of info out there to protect you - have a good day!

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 13:26:13

Hi Joee so good to hear you're feeling more positive today.

Just a thought - is there anyone you can talk to at work a bit about how you're feeling? Do you have supervision at all?

I'm only saying this because I relate to your situation - I used to work in a similar envirnoment and when I was going through a tough time, thought I was doing ok until I was faced with a situation that triggered stuff that was going on for me - it really helped to get support from colleagues who helped share my responsibilities out a bit for a short while.

Is there anyone you can share with that you're concerned that you might be a bit vulnerable when your dd is away next week? It really does sound like you are in a supportive place, and a bit of support might go a long way smile

Xroads story is really inspiring.

Flippityjig Fri 26-Oct-12 17:44:15

Joee123, sorry I didn't get to post earlier. The forum for debt advice is, not sure about underscores etc. Let me know if you struggle to find it. They really are good at giving advice and helped us a lot.

I had a few more thoughts - do you have any family who could lend you money to pay off Santander?

Also, my son has recently run up some debt and went to a consolidation company. They charge him for sorting it all out but he no longer has to deal with the banks he owes money to, which means he is no longer harassed.They are if you want to talk to them and see if they can help. Normally I hate the thought of paying someone to do something I can do myself but maybe in order to take some of the pressure off, it might be an idea? Not sure, just trying to think of all the different things you can do.

Also, if you are in North Yorkshire I have a spare room I can rent out for a while if you need a roof over your head.

DIddled Fri 26-Oct-12 18:02:28

Hi Joee just checking in to see you are ok- no words of wisdom just hoping you feel a bit brighter xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:22:14

Just in phew.some things to do, but wanted all you good folks to know i got through today.I spoke to Cccs again.they say sort house out first then deal with debts.they can advise me on iva or bancruptcy. I have income n expenduture form for court council and santander.council relented today ans said if santander agreed they would look at helping us with mortgage rescue.santander say no so far. I still cant wirk them out, we d get to stay in our home and they'd get their money.we d just rent our home at a more affiordable rate and would nt be made homeless.Im still here thanks to all the help and support in the posts.will be back later xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:23:25

Bless you.desperately hoping it won t be needed xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:24:45

Also had good chat with boss.and sort of let my friends know im sorta struggling xxx

Little steps joe. I'm so glad you've had some positive news today.
Have you and your dd any plans for the weekend??

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:28:05

It really has helped me today, with all the posts.Somehow you ve given me some strength to fight back today.I am expecting to swing btween fighting and despair, but im still here tonight.thank you thank you xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:30:36

We are taking my uncle to do his shoppibg tomorrow.then my gyal goes awsy Sunday.I know that will be tuff, as ive sirt of been esiting fir her to leave xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:31:36

We live in gloucestershire

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:33:29

I have a brilliant boss and work colleagues luckily.get regular supervision Xxx

lucyellenmum Fri 26-Oct-12 21:40:56

Joee you are truly amazing! You are an absolute fighter, you are right you will be very up and down. When you are down, one of us, at least, will be here for you. Do please keep us posted of progress.

How long is your daughter away for? Have you thought of ways to keep yourself busy?

Enjoy your weekend with dd before she goes away. It's hard when there away my dd went away with school at the beginning of October. I missed waking her up in the morning and sleepy cuddles.
Next week just take one day at a time.

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 21:45:37

She is away for 1 week with her dad which is unusual.i work full time which is always manic.with the court on the 5th november in desperation i was wsiting for her to go this week.i had made a plan which probably sounds mad xxx

amillionyears Fri 26-Oct-12 21:45:42

So glad things are a little brighter.
And glad friends know that you need some support.
People on here can help you with the financial stuff. Or if not on this thread,on the money matters and legal boards.

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 22:00:40

Joee i am so pleased to hear you are feeling there might be a way through that doesn't uproot you and your daughter - I really hope that comes together for you - and to go to work today knowing how you've been feeling and the fears you have had, you are a right trooper! And well done for opening up to colleagues and friends - brave lady.

You know, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but as much as it is great that you are feeling more positive, it's clear you do recognise yourself that there might be times again coming up when you may feel challenged to stay positive. That you want to come on here is fab, but there are a few other things you could do that would be taking steps to ensure you keep safe, to protect yourself now, while you are feeling more positive, for times ahead when you might experience a dip.

I picked up earlier (and this might be me being overcautious) but you did say you were planning to end your life when your daughter goes away - if you have made plans, like, getting pills together, working out how etc, do you feel able and strong enough at the moment to get rid of these things safely - so they are just simply not there if things do swamp you again (am thinking when dd goes away). Because, honestly, if things have got that far, then you are still in real danger if emotions swamp you again - I'm sorry to be so intense, but does this make sense to you? For your daughter's sake and all who love you, if you have things like that, get rid of them now, can you do that?

Again, samaritans are great to talk to about all of this, and will advise the same - they won't refer on to anyone else without your permission, if that is what is concerning you. But they will know exactly what to do to help you stay safe xxx

MrsHoarder Fri 26-Oct-12 22:02:38

Glad it sounds as though you are starting to handle things. Keep us posted.

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 22:12:54

Can you ask your friends to be around for you next week?

Can you ask them to call you each day to check in on you?

Please don't under estimate the risk that is still there, even though you are feeling a little brighter. Next week is going to be tough.

I also think your GP may help. Do you have a good one? You may get some other support from counselling or ADs which only need be a short term thing (6 months or so).

It is a serious thing to be feeling the way you have, having a plan makes it even more serious, but you sound like you have every chance of getting through this, with flying colours smile

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:15:46

Defragged I hear what you re saying.going to work feels more normal and positive.Yes I have tablets and I can t bring myself to lose them as yet. I know when she goes away will be the real crunch time also because of the looming court date and pressure from santander.having the tablets sadly feels like security.i also hear what you re saying abiut talking to friends or the samaritans about the way i ve been feeling.i also kniw through friends who have lost loved ones that sometimes people seem brighter nesr the end.I promise though i have felt brighter today and i am prepared that i might feel really down when she goed awsy.thankyou for caring xxx

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Fri 26-Oct-12 22:23:26

Have you contacted Shelter op?
I know you probably feel swamped by information from different sources, but these people really know their stuff. There should be one of their representatives at court to help people in your position.
Some info from their website here.

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:24:09

I have a couple of good friends close by who turn up with shopping and sweets for the girl.They know how difficult this week will be and i can see them coming here even if i dont want them too! I will think about seeing the gp too.not something im known for!! Xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:26:56

Thank u shotgun.i spoke to shelter last week.i cant get legal aid and they dont have a rep at the court, but they said if i get there early the ciurt should provude someone on duty.a friend is coming too for moral support xxx

amillionyears Fri 26-Oct-12 22:36:52

joee123,could you put the pills somewhere where it is difficult to access them?
So,you would still have them,but it would be a right nuisance to get to them?

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 22:43:09

I understand joee - thanks for answering my questions. I know they must be hard to hear.

amillionyears idea is good - putting them somewhere that is hard to get to - can you think of somewhere? Can you also promise us you will come on here first before reaching for them? Or call the samaritans?

So what do you have planned for sunday to help you cope - can you get someone to come visit or stay with a friend from work? I am sad at the idea of you being on your own at home that day.

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 22:46:34

Can you dig them in a hole in the garden tomorrow? It's cold now, it would be a big thing to go and get them, but you would know they are there?

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:50:12

Defragged and Millionyears promise i will put them out in the garden or something.i also promise to ring/ friend or samaritans or come on here if i feel that low.the bloomin landline might be cut off but ive still got a mobile !! It seems much more comforting somehow to tell you guys xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:53:34

If you guys knew me :-) my pals always say i fight for everyone.i always believe in 'pay it forward' this forum just bolsters my belief in that thinking xxx

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 22:56:05

Bless your heart, thank you so much for promising that. It means a lot smile
Let us know when you've buried them!
I'm sure many of us will be around sunday - you also have offers to PM people - the kindness on here is truly amazing
I'm out tomorrow , sunday a bit hectic too but will check in at some point.
Have a lovely day tomorrow with dd

lucyellenmum Fri 26-Oct-12 22:58:07

Please get rid of the tablets, please please please, i know what you mean about the security, when i was depressed i had enough tablets in the house to knock down a rhino (my dad had passed away and the care home had given me the meds to dispose of, god knows why!!). It actually took me a while to get rid of them. It got to the point where i knew i couldn't have them in the house anymore.

If you absolutely must keep them, will you do something for me - write this number down 0845 790 9090 in big numbers and attach it to the bottle with a laccy band. Its the number of the samaritans. I know that we are all here for you, we are, and there is bound to be someone around relatively quickly, the samaritans are at the end of the line within seconds. You know you want to get through this.

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 22:59:49

Thanku defragged.i m not sure i know how to pm people.we will definitely be having some laughs tomorrow- one thing we have to bath the rabbit, who is huge!! Xxx

lucyellenmum Fri 26-Oct-12 23:02:16

awwww, i had two big rabbits, one brittish giant and one french lop. They were both lovely, and HUGE. The brittish giant weighed 7kg, which is more than my dog!

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 23:02:44

Lucyellenmum promise i have that number- i will call them/someone or start posting if i get desperate.thank you thank you xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 23:05:04

I dont kniw what she is, she was from a rescue place.but she s mahoosive !! Xxx

amillionyears Fri 26-Oct-12 23:05:44

You are coming across as a strong woman. I think you will get through all this okay.
We used to have 2 rabbits. I like rabbits.

Defragged Fri 26-Oct-12 23:08:45

Well your huge rabbit is going to need you too this week, that's for sure smile

to pm - go to the end of the blue line where the person has posted and click on message poster - never done it myself so am sure others will know more about it.
Signing off now, hope you have another good night and day

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 23:11:07

Millionyears i am a strong person.this with santander had just worn me out.feel like they ve got me at breaking point.but definitely have felt better today thankyou xxx

joee123 Fri 26-Oct-12 23:14:00

I am signing off now fir some sleep.massive thankyou again for all the support snd help xxx

amillionyears Fri 26-Oct-12 23:15:00


peppercold Fri 26-Oct-12 23:19:24

Mumsnet is incredible. Joee stay strong!

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 10:22:30

Just checking in, have a good day today x

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 11:36:18

Thank u all.santander phoned me back this am.the woman was awful.i explained that my council would help me wuth mortgage rescue but that they needed ti agree.she was adamant they wont and jyst advised i go to court.i was anyway.who are these people¿ they wld get their money back and we could stay in our home but pay the council\ social landlord an affordable rent.once our home is sorted i could work with cccs to sort the debts.i have not encountered anyone so far who speaks to you decently in this awful company.i am so angry with them.might give me more strength to fight back. The judge might help me xxx

amillionyears Sat 27-Oct-12 11:49:17

Am wondering whether it is worth you putting your fiancial problems onto the money matters board,and see if anyone on MN is able to give you any financial advice or tips on there.
Or even on the legal board?
And yes the judge might help you.

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 11:55:15

They really are unbelievable :-( it takes sooo much energy to fight them xxx

TantrumsIsTheREALPumpkinKiller Sat 27-Oct-12 12:19:58

I hope the judge will help you.

Just try and remember that stuff happens that feels like the end of the world but it doesn't have to be.

We lost our house when both DH and I lost our jobs within a week of each other. We had 2 young DCs and the mortgage company were utter bastards.
We ended up in a council b&b. It wasn't fun to be honest but it enabled us to have a roof over our heads and drag ourselves back up again.

I know losing your home seems like the worst thing that can happen. I know you feel complete dispair at the thought of starting all over again.

But you can do it. You are a good mother, your Dd sounds lovely,you work hard, you help other people, you will get through this.

Whatever happens, you know you have the strength to get through it.
Speak to as many people as you can, Shelter,CAB, council about what will happen of the worst comes to the worst and you have to move.
Prepare yourself for it, and know that you and your Dd will get through the tough times and come out the other side x

My brother has been to court twice and the judge has sided with him. I will point out my brother has 6 children! The judge said what good would it do making them homeless. I think he pays £20 a month off his arrears. There are some nice judges.
I hope you and dd are having a nice weekend.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Sat 27-Oct-12 13:00:03

Did you read my link from last night? It mentions the 'pre-action protocol' - steps the lender must take before going to court. If the steps are not followed you can ask for an adjournment. Have you requested a free half hour with a solicitor? Maybe Shelter could refer you to a housing specialist.
They should still give you advice, even if they're not in court with you.

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 13:56:42

Thanks shitgun n all.u had long t/c with shelter n they gave me the protocol.i dont think santander have even looked at ut.that might help too xxx

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 14:12:01

Thanks shotgun all.u had long t/c with shelter n they gave me the protocol.i dont think santander have even looked at ut.that might help too xxx

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 27-Oct-12 14:26:39

Joee, just to say I was in a similar position to you two years ago with Santander.

I went to court and the duty solicitor was FANTASTIC. I thought he'd be just shrugging it off- but he sat and chatted then went over to the Santander rep and managed to come up with a payment plan cheaper than I had wanted to put forward! Santander were fking horrible on the phone to me and would not negotiate beforehand.
I have never been so scared in my life, but am now so bloody glad I went to court and argued.

MamaMary Sat 27-Oct-12 15:17:32

Joee, just came across this thread. Just wanted to add my support and repeat that you are an amazing, inspirational woman who has so much to live for. You will get through this! Just a bit more energy needed to fight your battle and a plan will be sorted for you. Hang in there xx

Defragged Sat 27-Oct-12 20:33:51

Hi Joee, just checking in smile

How did the rabbit bathing go? Did everyone get wet?

I have no experience btw, but think surely a duty solicitor and a judge would look favourably on you, given that you want to pay, are in a job and have the council behind you - am guessing court will buy you a bit more time in any case?

I know it will feel horrible if things don't go your way, but you never know what is around the corner, might be pants for a while, then land on your feet. We've never been able to buy and had a rough road renting, losing the house we loved and chose for our family home. Thought I would never get through it. We ended up in a much better position ironically, though it got worse before it got better.

How are you feeling this evening?

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 20:41:04

Dear everyone thanks again for the amazing support.just letting you know we are going to an impromtu halloween party invited out by friends.we are looking out the witches hats now! I am going to forget all about santander for tonight and enjoy our night out.And Defragged the rabbit wont look at me now!! Catch up later and again huge thanks for all the ideas and support xxx

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 20:46:00

Just wanted to add you ve all been not sure id still be here without all the help you ve given me.we v both had a good day.still believing in pay it forward xxx

Defragged Sat 27-Oct-12 20:46:33

Excellent smile have agood one!

Just remember too much alcohol, hangovers and thoughts of suicide are not a great mix - take it easy but promise to have fun!

Defragged Sat 27-Oct-12 20:48:12

Excellent at going out that is, not that the rabbit won't look at tyou blush
I'm sure he'll get over it grin

joee123 Sat 27-Oct-12 20:54:37

I ll go steady.promise.and i have my girl too xxx

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 21:00:35

Enjoy the party, you deserve a break joee

gingercats Sat 27-Oct-12 21:07:24

I agree with advice given re: your DD needing you. I also think it would help you to get some psychological support through your difficult situation (do it for DD if not yourself). Your GP can refer you for free counselling & your local 'Mind' should be able to support you. Good luck x

Defragged Sun 28-Oct-12 12:40:41

How you doing today Joee? How was the party?
Keep us posted with how you're doing won't you....

joee123 Sun 28-Oct-12 13:55:14

Hi defragged nice to hear from you. yes thankyou we had a fun night-and I didn't think about court or the dreaded S word- just getting ready to see the girl off, so I know today will be difficult.When she's gone I'm going to call in on a friend so Im not alone thinking. if I feel I can do it I'm also going to look through the court paperwork and start thinking of what I want the judge to know and how I want to say it. Thank you again ever so much for caring and I will be back to post later xxx

Defragged Sun 28-Oct-12 14:34:38

Glad you had a good night and that you've got support today.
You're doing a fab job of it all x

lucyellenmum Sun 28-Oct-12 18:23:15

keep it up joee! I was just coming on to post to say that you could use this week without your DD to get all your paperwork together and take some advice over what to say etc.It looks like you've beaten me too it. Again, get in touch with the national debt line, they are fantastic and they will advise re the court etc. Have Cscs not done this already? Then once you have done the shitty bit, do something nice for YOU. What would you like to do?

joee123 Sun 28-Oct-12 21:21:00

Thank you both.Kept busy all day now just sitting chatting to the rabbit and watching Downton.Quite calm but still angry with Santander.Did my response to court.The council had done it, but not very well.Happier with it now.Tablets are in the shed as promised.Sent my girl off with huge smiles and loads of love to keep her going.Feeling right now, i ll just go one day at a time. Thank you thankyou again xxx

joee123 Sun 28-Oct-12 21:22:50

Lucyellenmum, If i didnt have the other worries Id g0 away for a few days !! xxx

amillionyears Sun 28-Oct-12 21:53:25

One day at a time is good.
You are doing well. x

Flippityjig Sun 28-Oct-12 23:05:22

Joee123, just wanted to pop on to say hi. Keep yourself busy this week, try and spend some time with friends. Keep us posted with how things are going. Sorry I can't give any advice. But we are all rooting for you.

Night night xx

P.s. Your rabbit sounds fab.

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 08:10:47

Morning everyone.just me n the rabbit this to work with a streaming cold.not surprising. Just going a day at a time and think im gonna be kept very busy.thankyou again for all the support it really has helped- keep it coming! Xxx

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 09:10:41

Well done Joee - keep going!
Can you grab some bits during lunch to pamper yourself with tonight?
How about a luxurious bath with candles and eucalyptus oils when you get in tonight - the steam will be good for your cold.

And/or a hot toddy, snuggled up with a good book:

Hot tea
1 Tbsp honey
1 tsp lemon juice
Grated cinnamon
Ground cloves
Grated nutmeg
Lemon wedge for garnish

I think Lucyellensmum is absolutely right about using some of this time just for you. Looking after YOU is just as important as dealing with the house stuff.

RebeccaMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 29-Oct-12 10:18:49

Hi all,

We have had a few reports about this thread over the weekend.

As far as we can see, the OP is genuine and we wish her all of the best in this very difficult situation.

We just want to remind everyone to be aware that not everyone on t'internet is who they say they are, and that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Many thanks to those who reported this thread to us.

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 11:14:00

Thanks Rebecca - that's an important message. For posters of support and to Joee.

Joee - it's a reminder to you as well that RL support is important too. Whilst it is often great, you can never guarantee who is going to be around on MN when you need it. I for one would feel a lot happier knowing you were accessing some kind of counselling support through this really hard time.

Which I think you know and will do when necessary.

Accessing help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of having been too strong for too long.

lucyellenmum Mon 29-Oct-12 11:16:41

I swear you have missed a vital ingredient out of that hot toddy there defragged wink But if you are anything like me joee, probably best, alcohol and me is BAD when i am stressed.

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 11:54:19

Oh have I? <looks all innocent and whistles>

amillionyears Mon 29-Oct-12 13:03:15

I believe her so am more than happy to keep talking.

amillionyears Mon 29-Oct-12 13:04:43

op, you might want to email MNHQ to reassure them.

amillionyears Mon 29-Oct-12 13:06:19

I wouldnt mind knowing why some people are suspicious.
I dont know whether joee123 would like to know as well?

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 13:42:38

Yes, there's nothing I can see other than a totally geniune person who is understandably struggling with a heap of shit.

I would hazard a guess most people who have reported are just alarmed and don't know what to do for the best. Suicide is a scary topic for many. But open and honest talk is the best way and Joee strikes me like she is doing all the right things.

amillionyears Mon 29-Oct-12 13:46:47

My guess is that the few that reposrted,which well may be eg 2 or 3, think she isnt genuine.
I do,and MN says that as far as they can see,they think so too.
That is plenty good enough for me.

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 13:49:11

Which is why I will always recommend the Samaritans or other mental health lines. MN can be a great place for advice and support, but tis a mixed bag.

If you want to be sure of being heard (rather than just told not to do something) people on phonelines like the Samaritans won't be scared to talk about the real issues.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 29-Oct-12 16:09:55

The reporting could be because a poster offered to let the OP stay at her house.

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 17:09:29

That's very true shotgun. And very wise from MNHQ to raise caution on all sides.

Having just re-read my last posts, I'd like to clarify I'm not saying people here are not helping or scared to help. It's just sometimes throwing practical solutions to a person isn't always the best thing at the time when suicide is an option.

Quite often a person with thoughts of suicide needs to talk about just that - and they need to talk to someone who is prepared and able to talk about suicide. Sometimes it's better to talk to someone who is trained to do just that.

Joee - hope you're doing ok and not too put off posting. The last thing anyone needs in their hour of need is someone shouting troll. Shotgun's explanation seems the most likely to me.

amillionyears Mon 29-Oct-12 18:17:11

Being naive,and assuming caution took place, what is wrong with that.
I assume the same thing goes on with pming sometimes.

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 19:00:34

Just in.Not sure what ive done ir if i ve offended someone.sorry if i have :-( i turned to mumsnet in desperation and you ve all really helped.i havent pm anyone or asked anyone for anything.i have friends and supportive work colleagues- i just found it easier to blurt out how i was feeling here.MN havent contacted me, or asked me to stop posting so i assume im still okay. If anyone doesnt believe me I would gladly post my court and santander stuff. Anyway it was a good day so far. The mortgage rescue expert at the CAB has come back to me today. With my boss` help we have scanned and emailed all my paperwork and Cccs stuff and he has put in a formal request_ and is trying to get the court case adjourned.He seems quite confident. Santander just need to agree.Last week Because i live in one county and live in another~ i was just being pushed between the 2 councils. Things are definitely looking better today akthough i know i still have to fight. Maybe im in troubke because i mentioned santander? Anyway thankyou everyone fir the support and posts xxx

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 19:02:28

That was supposed to read i live in one county and work across another !!

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 19:03:48

"assuming caution took place" - I think that's the point, it's a reminder for everyone to exercise caution.

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 19:04:22

x post!

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 19:07:21

Just reread some of the above.seriously when you have a plan in mind it really is easier to talk to or tell someone who doesnt know you. Loads of people encouraged contacting the gp or the samaritans.thank you again xxx

amillionyears Mon 29-Oct-12 19:21:00

Glad you have had a better day today
and great that people are helping you,even your boss!

Hope this thread is helping others in some way.

Defragged Mon 29-Oct-12 19:23:11

You're fine Joee, I shouldn't think too much on it.
Glad you had a good day.

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 19:29:49

Boss has been was her who originally approached the local council where we work last week.originally though as we live just over the border in another county they said they couldnt help.if i get through this i might be able to pass on my experience to help someone else.but worried if people are rhinking im not genuine.seriously i havent asked fir anything, but got loads of support and ideas xxx

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 19:31:13

Boss had me to tea tonight! Shes a great cook too ! :-)

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 29-Oct-12 19:52:56

I think everyone knows you haven't asked for anything. As I said, someone upthread made an offer of accommodation and MN generally advise caution against reaching out in person so to speak.
Again, I don't think anyone's doubting you.

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 19:58:42

Thanks shotgun makes me feel better.when i mentioned 'pay it forward' it wasnt about the film i just think that acts of kindness you do, come back to you in some way.the kindness and support ive found here just reinforce my belief in people and 'pay it forward' xxx

CuriousMama Mon 29-Oct-12 20:08:31

Just read through your thread and it's good to hear your mood seems to have changed?
I was given that dvd, Pay it forward, to watch but haven't got round to it yet. I knew what you meant though as have seen clips of it. You just meant what goes round comes round, and if someone does you good do someone else good and so on. At least I think that was it?

Keep strong and best of luck to your and dd.

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 20:16:39

Thankyou curiousmama.yeah thats it! Thursday was a real low point after feeling batted between two councils, one if which not very helpful.i love my girl dearly, she is my blessing, but things were looking so awful and hopeless i had given up and just couldnt see the energy to get through this any longer.the support on here helped me pick myself up and fight again.i know its one day at a time, but i am almost starting to think with the right help, we may still lose ownership of our home but we might be able to stay here in a more affordable way. Then i can start to sort out the debts.thankyou thankyou xxx

CuriousMama Mon 29-Oct-12 20:18:49

Well to be honest she'd rather live in a caravan than have no mum. But I can imagine it's sometimes difficult to see straight when you feel everything's crashing down on you. In fact I know it is. Accept all the help out there and don't let the bastards win!

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 20:31:02

I know i know.i have cried in front of her over it, which hurts me even more.she told me shed rather be on the pavement with me rather than anywhere else.because of my work i suppose she knows what its like to be ' on the outside' i am massively proud of her heart and humour ' xxx

lucyellenmum Mon 29-Oct-12 20:38:59

Joee, you sound so much more positive, you should be so proud of yourself. It sounds really encouraging about the CAB mortgage rescue too.

FWIW based on what you have said on your thread, i for one will never use santander bank!! I am looking for a new current account so up their bums eh!

Your DD sounds amazing, i think that is because she has an amazing mum!

DIddled Mon 29-Oct-12 20:47:44

Chin up chick x thinking of you and glad you have some Rl support xxxxxxxxx

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 20:50:13

Bless u lucyellenmum.yes she s a fab kid.i think things turned on friday when i got he council where we live to agree to mortgage resq. I got them to put it in writing too.santander still say no, but the CAB expert came back to me today after being told he couldnt help last week- as we were in a different county- and is onboard and confidently taking on santander.i am almost hopeful.i know its still a fight.wuthout MN ers i wouldnt have got up and fought back on friday.thankyou thankyou xxx

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 20:51:59

Yeah and up your bums santander!! Bastards

joee123 Mon 29-Oct-12 21:55:12

Lucyellenmum just a thought.i was with alliance n leicester for the mortgage till they were taken over by santander :-( i bank with co op smile cos of their decent ethical policy, ive been very happy with them and would recommend them xxx

CuriousMama Mon 29-Oct-12 23:08:22

I've cried in front of dss when I left their dad. Ranting on about what a shit mum I was. I'm not and they adore me but we all have meltdowns x

joee123 Tue 30-Oct-12 01:01:19

Xxx- what we like!

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 30-Oct-12 01:19:20

I have PM'd you. Please seek some help for depression from the GP.

I won't post what I have sent you on the thread, but I urge you to read my PM, and see the aftermath of suicide of a parent (especially a Lone Parent) from the perspective of the 10yo child left behind.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 30-Oct-12 01:25:05

And having now finished reading the thread, I'm glad you are feeling more positive and making done headway with things.

But if you feel yourself slipping back into those thoughts, PLEASE seek help sooner rather than later.

As your DD has told you, she doesn't care if she is homeless as you will be there with her.

That matters so much more.

I look at my DC's, and sometimes it sends me into floods of tears when I think what a wonderful Granddad my Dad would have made, and how sad it was that he never hot to meet any of them.

He would be so proud of them all.

I miss him. Every day. And he committed suicide 21 years, 3 months and 26 days ago. It doesn't go away.

Just remember that it takes a stronger person to face up to these shitty situations that life throws at us, and that you ARE string enough! (((Hugs)))

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 30-Oct-12 01:25:56

String enough = strong enough. Stupid Autocorrect.

joee123 Tue 30-Oct-12 01:45:53

Bless u couthy i have messaged of my closest friends works for winstons wish- brilliant organisation for bereathed young people up to 18. Sadly she was telling me they get many more referrals for murder manslaughtr and suicide :-( anyway, promise that I am beginnung to see some light X

joee123 Tue 30-Oct-12 19:26:52

Mixed day today but im fighting on.friends coming round for moral support.on the positive looks like the cab/mortgage rescue/council expert is coming to court with ne! Whoooo! The bug guns r on my side!! Xxx

amillionyears Tue 30-Oct-12 19:31:30


CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 30-Oct-12 19:33:22

That's brilliant news. Yay!

joee123 Tue 30-Oct-12 19:41:15

I know i know ! Lets hope good wishes and common sense win over santander! Go the small man/woman xxx

MummytoKatie Tue 30-Oct-12 20:30:25

Santander is notorious for really bad customer service. (Google Santander Poor Service.) So even if it does go to court the odds are that the judge will have seen loads of people in the same situation as you thanks to Santander.

lucyellenmum Tue 30-Oct-12 22:40:37

That is really encouraging news joee, you are really inspirational, i know how much it can drain you fighting with these fuckers all the time, but i tell you, it does make you stronger, i do not take any shit for anyone nowadays because i know my rights and i know that people can't just walk all over you.

So pleased the big guns are standing by you - this is brilliant!!!

Wipe the floor with Santander bastards - you will be stood there with practical help by your side and the mumsnet possy there with you in spirit xx

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 30-Oct-12 23:04:16

just want to say, i wish you well joee - please dont ever ever think that your dd would be better off without you there - she wont be.

there is always another way.

its bricks and mortor vs having a mum, and there is no contest - dont let hte bastards grind you down.

i hope it all goes well. dont rob your dd of her mum. its not bloody worth it. ever.

joee123 Tue 30-Oct-12 23:10:04

Fingers crossed everyone.will post tomorrow with updates xxx

joee123 Wed 31-Oct-12 19:49:34

All quiet on the santander front today.being taken out for a meal by a couple of local Mums :-) xxx

CuriousMama Wed 31-Oct-12 19:53:09

Enjoy yourself smile

joee123 Thu 01-Nov-12 00:26:23

Really nice meal and company.Feel very blessed with the support :-) xxx

joee123 Thu 01-Nov-12 00:28:10

You okay Defragged? Missed you xxx

AnnaMariaWhiskers Thu 01-Nov-12 04:07:08

Hi. I haven't read this whole post so not sure if this is still relevant but I would recommend contacting this organization They treat you as a person, not a 'client'. Hth x

joee123 Thu 01-Nov-12 07:57:39

Thankyou annamaria xxx

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Thu 01-Nov-12 09:44:46

I'm glad you are doing ok. Keep updating, I know I'm still looking in on the thread for good news!

Defragged Thu 01-Nov-12 14:45:58

Hi Joee yes I'm fine ta! Just a busy couple of days - half term hecticness, a rare night out and loads of t'internet shopping!

Glad to see you're doing ok and lots of support for you still.

When does dd come back? Is she enjoying her time away?

joee123 Thu 01-Nov-12 20:05:44

Almost can't take it in, still reeling.Santander have agreed to mortgage rescue :-) after huge fight and effort.May not even have to go to court, adjouned for 2 months for mortgage rescue to take place.Will catch up with everyone when i ve picked myself up from the shock.thankyou thankyou thankyou xxx

RyleDup Thu 01-Nov-12 20:17:28

Oh wow, thats great Joee. Really pleased for you. Fab news.

Silibilimili Thu 01-Nov-12 20:17:43

That's wonderful news op. Very glad for you. Good things do happen. X

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 01-Nov-12 20:19:36

oh joee that is great news! im so pleased for you. please dont ever ever think thoughts of self harm again though eh? please. i have seen the damage that is done to people when a parent kills themselves - its not nice and i attend suicides, its absolutely terrible for those left - there is always another way.

Selks Thu 01-Nov-12 20:43:38

Have just read the whole so pleased for you Joee that Santander have agreed! grin

What a massive relief for you!

Defragged Thu 01-Nov-12 20:44:00

Fantastic news Joee - so pleased for you smile
Can you def please get rid of those pills now, for proper?

amillionyears Thu 01-Nov-12 20:50:01

Oh,absolutely wonderful!
Well done for all that hard work and effort.

QOD Thu 01-Nov-12 20:50:14

So pleased, mumsnet rocks

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Thu 01-Nov-12 20:51:26

What Defragged said - so pleased but never think of harming yourself again
< stern >

DIddled Thu 01-Nov-12 21:35:57

That's absolutely brilliant news Joee! The start of better times! You didn't let the buggers get you down xx well done you xx

Poppylovescheese Thu 01-Nov-12 21:48:47

Oh thats fab! xx

lucyellenmum Thu 01-Nov-12 22:04:34

only just seen this, this is fantastic news, so very pleased for you and your DD.

Well done - you have done yourself, and your DD proud. I'm awed xxxxx

Flippityjig Fri 02-Nov-12 00:10:24

Fantastic news, so pleased for you :-)

joee123 Fri 02-Nov-12 04:35:39

Ironic so worn out but awake! I will find a safe way to get rid of those tablets.Just wanted to say thankyou again fir all the support xxx

amillionyears Fri 02-Nov-12 07:42:47


MrsHoarder Fri 02-Nov-12 07:47:20

Fabulous! Well done you!!!

Defragged Fri 02-Nov-12 09:07:56

You are more than welcome Joee, you did all the hard work yourself.

Just take things easy - you have been through a bit of an ordeal. Give yourself a good couple of days rest if you can, and treat yourself to something nice.

When's dd back?

Fantastic news!!

When's your dd back??

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Fri 02-Nov-12 11:42:08

That's fantastic!

CuriousMama Fri 02-Nov-12 13:50:44

smile hooray!!

joee123 Sat 03-Nov-12 10:55:46

Going round happily touching things saying to self we're staying we're staying!! Xxx

JugglingWithPossibilities Sat 03-Nov-12 20:40:49

Just got back today from a week away and so pleased to hear things are going well for you joee smile As QOD says Mumsnet rocks and can be really supportive and helpful at times. I'm going to see my DD and DS tomorrow and I can't wait to see them again ! Hope your DD will be back home soon too x

joee123 Sat 03-Nov-12 20:58:36

She s home tomorrow :-) can t wait.Even started to look forward :-) xmas is going to be much happier :-) xxx

I'm so glad things are getting better for you. Take it one day at a time.
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be sorted x

Defragged Mon 05-Nov-12 16:41:50

Hope you had a good reunion with your dd and that things are still going well x

quietlysuggests Mon 05-Nov-12 21:03:48

Joee I just want to point out to you that even in the depths of your despair, you NEVER lost sight of your daughter.
Please go through you brain and anywhere you find the thought "I nearly killed myself" replace it with the statement
"I have been to hell and I survived because I am a good mother"
Well done you.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Tue 06-Nov-12 02:32:10

Hope your DD is enjoying being back home with you.

JugglingWithPossibilities Tue 06-Nov-12 16:47:50

Great post quietly
Hope things going well joee x
Glad to hear you feel there are things to begin to look forward to thanks
Some flowers for you and DD to share !

joee123 Sat 10-Nov-12 07:09:25

Fantastic thankyou all.Been a whirlwind week withDD back :-) fireworks, school singing and some tuff cases at work.Just spent 10 hours in cells with a young person with scizophrenia so feeling wrecked.No more news mortgage rescue, I have to let the council do their job now.Gradually sinking in that we can stay in our home.yaaah!! Thankyou all xxx

Selks Sat 10-Nov-12 14:32:20

grin Really happy for you - well done

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 10-Nov-12 15:43:11

Nice to have another update. grin

joee i was saddened to read your post and i totally get y u felt so alsi happy to read the positive outcome so far... i have been in ur situ its tough please keep posting if only to get it out of your head and a release take care stay safe x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now