Should my Son see his unhinged dad?

(6 Posts)
Jules8432 Tue 08-Nov-16 23:03:38

Ok so I've posted on here a few times now (sorry think I'm enjoying the support too much 🙈)
You might want to get comfortably and a biccy!

My sons dad might be going to prison for a long time soon..

He's desperate to see his son.
everyone (SS, probation, drugs councillor etc) said he had to write to him as there had been no contact for 9 years due to him being addicted to drugs and alcohol,mental health problems and going in and out of prison.
But he refused saying "that's my kid I'm not being told what to say or do"

As you all know my ex has moved up road from me with pregnant gf (apparently he's changed since the crime he commited) but if he had surely he'd stop lying and start showing remorse for being such a twat?🤔

He asks other kids if they know my son
Has Turned up couple of places he knows my son will be like on bonfire night he stood right behind him etc

My son has become angry towards me.. he says he's struggling between his heart saying he loves his dad and wants to believe all these things he's saying to him about how he's the most honest man he'll ever meet and you only get 1 dad etc.
He wants a dad so bad in his life, especially as he's never had a step dad etc. And wants siblings sad
But he knows his dad can sometimes be a nasty piece of work. But he's worried it might be the only chance he'll get to have contact for years
sad

But I know my ex wants to say malicious things, is V e manipulative (is already saying it wasn't him that did the crime that was in the papers, my sons gonna have a little sister etc etc)

So my dilemma is do I let my son start to build a relationship with his dad (only to be probs hurt and let down in lots of ways) or do I let him pine for an illusion that could over shadow his whole life?

It breaks my heart and makes me feel sooo guilty that this is his dad.
I work and try so hard to not let this guy hurt my son but I can feel he's closing in. His plan of moving into our lives is working ☹️

Sorry it's a long one.. told you to get comfortable 😬

TheBouquets Wed 09-Nov-16 20:56:20

I was searching to find your son's age but I do realise that he must be at least 9 and under 16.
I had a situation which although different, in that there were no prison sentences, drink or drug issues involved. I brought up my DCs alone with no input at all from the father, no contact most of the time and definitely no money. Once they were grown up the father showed face, without any remorse for his actions or lack of actions. Blooming DCs start believing all the tales he spins. I was the one who constantly threw him off the doorstep, he did pay maintenance and apparently has shown letters to prove this. He is currently giving it large about health concerns but when he didn't know I was watching he walked perfectly well. Anyway that is the story in short.
It is difficult to decide what to do about an absent dad and even more difficult with one who will lie and twist issues.
Does your DS know about the drink drugs prisons involved in the ex's life?
The big problem for me at this late stage is that my DCs in believing all the rubbish being spouted are disrespecting me and my efforts on their behalf to provide a decent upbringing without any type of support of the father. I feel sorry for my DCs because they may well find out what a PITA he is but as the currently rejected and criticised parent I don't think this is a pity party I can take any part of.
What I am trying to say in my own way is that no matter what you do one day the DS will be of age to meet with the ex and the years of absence will be manipulated into being your fault. etc etc.
The only thing I think you can do is to sit it all out and see how it all pans out. Sorry I cant be more positive.

Horsepower9 Wed 09-Nov-16 21:12:08

It's hard but I'd let him see his dad and be there to catch him when he falls.
If dad is the asshole you say he is then it won't be long before he shows his true self and his son sees him for what he is. Sounds like he won't be around for long either and his pregnant gf will be left in the position you were. Support your son and be the loving parent you have always been and he will have nothing to hold against you in the long run, good luck

Jules8432 Wed 09-Nov-16 21:59:09

I'm sorry to hear that thebouquets sad
My sons 14
I must admit it makes me so angry that these men do absolutely nothing for their kids then have the nerve to play victim whilst we're painted out to be the baddies! And then have to pick up the pieces that they leave behind As per!

It would truly feel like a slap in the face if after all these years of me dedicating my whole life to healing myself and my son from the pain and destruction he left behind (there was dv) and working my @ss off with 4 jobs. For him to swan in say a few nice sentences and hey presto he's up on that pedal stall again. In fact it would kill me.

But of course I would just have to swallow it as it's my son I want to be happy and feel loved by his dad.
He told me tonight he doesn't want to see or message him after his dad has already made him feel like crap by not responding to a text sad

It's heart breaking to watch him cry and say he wished he had some sort of dad and how torn he is between his heart and head... makes me feel so guilty that this is his dad.

i think you're right though horsepower9.. I need to let him do whatever he wants to do. He's old enough to know his own mind.
But I do worry my ex is VERY emotionally manipulative and has a smear campaign going against me because he's certain I've turned our son against him (which I def haven't) and he's angry I refuse to speak to him.
He's already told my son he has lots he wants to tell him.

I sometimes wonder if I should tell my son how violent my ex could be and how he recently tried breaking the door handle off to our flats and wrote his name on our car? 🤔 But that was about 6 weeks ago, apparently he's changed now 😏

X

Jules8432 Wed 09-Nov-16 22:02:38

Also the bouquets I would say like horsepower that actually there's only so long these men can keep the act up so hopefully the mask will fall soon and the kids will see him for the twat he is and you for the amazing mum you have been/are 😊💐 xxx

TheBouquets Wed 09-Nov-16 22:41:02

Aw Jules thank you so much for your kind words. I have really tried so hard to do the best I could but apparently it was not enough.
Strangely both DCs have taken on partners who are spongers just like the ex. I can endure being sidelined but I don't think it is right for the DCs of my DCs. Nor do I want my young one think this is OK.
Thanks again Jules.

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