relationship with husband. confused.

(130 Posts)
Bolognese06 Sat 05-Nov-16 22:18:05

I don't know quite how to start this.
I'm struggling with my relationship with my husband. I love him to bits and I just want to make it clear straight away that I would never leave him. I love him. He is a good guy.
I don't know what I expect from this thread. I'm just struggling and confused. I don't know if things are my fault or his fault or a mixture of both or a misunderstanding.

Things that are happening every day: subtle put me downs. Nothing awful. Just mentioned a topic I was interested in and he immediately laughs at me and always puts down my ideas. I feel like I can't have an opinion. Because it will be wrong. This morning I just mentioned about my friend telling me too much soy was bad for you and he tells me how gullible I am. She had out ideas in your head. You are letting people lead you etc. Then pulls up Google and triumphantly shows me something saying soy is fine. I just left it because he was getting really angry and I cba with a row. I handn't even looked into it. It was just a passing comment. Something to think about.
Complaining about housework. For example today he was at work. I looked after our two kids. (Both under 4) cleaned the whole of upstairs cleaned up after painting etc. Cooked dinner.cleaned you room cleaned up after kids and got them ready. He came Joe and there were the dinner plates that the kids used and I hadn't washed up yet and he was just going on and on about it always being a mess when he gets home and things would be different if it was him at home. It was a few plates, which I would of cleaned up. But he came home early.
He gets really stressed with mess etc

Things that happen once in a while:
Sometimes he will be pushy about sex. So he might initiate it and I say I'm not in the mood and he will just go on and on and he will have his hands down my pants and pulling my pants down while I'm trying to pull them back up. I've actually clamped my hand over my vagina to try and stop him getting at me. He just forces it away and keeps doing it. I often just give in and have sex.
Sometimes I want sex. But then it becomes too rough or painful and I tell him it's hurting but he just keeps going.
A few times over the years I have been really drunk and he has put me to bed and had sex with me while semiconscious.
I have women up to him touching me...or trying to push his penis into me.

Once a few months ago I said no countless times I tried to push him off and he still kept coming back and put his penis in me and just started having sex with me. I ended up lying there silent and still while he did it and he just carried on.

The other night he wanted sex but I was in my period. I obviously said no. He asked for a titwank. I said no. He kept going on so I let him. Then he started walking off over me and I said don't do it in my face, but he stood right over me and ejaculate all over my face. He has done that twice before.

Gropes me infront of the kids in a way I'm not comfortable with. I've told him I don't like it.
We went to a party last week and it was mainly for kids for Halloween and he was very clingy. I had to run after the kids and he kept coming to see where i was. He kept holding me and squeezing my bum and wanting to kids me. But I dodnt feel comfortable infront of everyone and especially the kids.

Also I want to get back to work. Only a few hours a week to start with. My friend helped me find a position to apply for that is perfect for me. While she was there my husband acted as though he were fine with it. When she left he kept telling me that she was putting ideas in my head and that I didn't need to work. When I said I wanted to just to get experience and feel like I was contributing. He said it would mean less time together and he wanted to spend time together and I obviously didn't. he was quite annoyed.b
I feel like if I do or say anything that he doesn't like. It's like treading on eggshells for days after and I can't do anything right.

I just feel a bit sad atm. I used to be so happy with him around and now I'm just anxious.

Brontebiscuits Sat 05-Nov-16 22:25:43

he is not a good guy. he is not. I hope you will see this eventually. he is abusing you, sexually and emotionally. I hope you wake up to this and realise what he is doing.

Msqueen33 Sat 05-Nov-16 22:28:40

Sorry to be blunt but from what I've read he's not a good guy he's frankly a fucking arsehole. If you don't want to leave i would suggest telling him how he makes you feel, not taking his shit and pushing back on him. You don't deserve this and to feel anxious around a partner is a very bad thing. Good luck.

Somerville Sat 05-Nov-16 22:29:25

He is raping you regularly and you should phone the police. Or if you're not ready for that then you can call Women's Aid.

delilahbucket Sat 05-Nov-16 22:29:29

He is not a good guy and I am sorry you are going through all this. Easier said than done I know, but really you cannot continue with him. It is not going to get any better.

lovelilies Sat 05-Nov-16 22:30:21

He is not a good man.
He's abusing you in every way woman!
Ffs he has raped you repeatedly.
Please call women's aid and plan on getting him the fuck out of your life.
Hopefully someone more eloquent will be along to help, but Christ on a bike, you need to leave this horrid man flowers

millmoo Sat 05-Nov-16 22:30:30

I'm like shock when I'm reading this .
This is not a good relationship !
Why the hell does he think he can have sex with you when he feels like it -especially when you don't want too flowers
If this was me I'd running for hills

Somerville Sat 05-Nov-16 22:32:04

I disagree that you should not take his shit and pushing back on him. That could be dangerous. It is at the point that a women starts to realise that she is being abused and seeking support that she is most at risk, because her conduct could change to challenging him more and not walking on eggshells. Please stay safe. If he wants sex and you don't and he pushes his penis into you then that is rape and you should call the police.

Bolognese06 Sat 05-Nov-16 22:32:15

What I should probably say is that there are so of the bad things. There are many many amazing things about him.
Also when we first got together and for years after I was messed up from a bad childhood. I let him lead me and I think I liked being led. Now I have children and am making my own decisions and I am alot stronger thanbi used to be ect this is what is causing the tension.

Somerville Sat 05-Nov-16 22:34:06

No-one is 100% bad, bolognaise. No one. But as is often said, if you had a glass of your favourite drink, and someone pissed in it, what proportion of it being piss would be enough for you to not want to drink it?

Abuse is like that. Any at all is too much and sullies the whole relationship.

leaveittothediva Sat 05-Nov-16 22:35:29

I'm not shocked by what you have written down, but I am saddened by it especially when you say that you love him, wouldn't leave him, he's a nice guy.

It is my belief that he is sexually abusing you in the most cruel fashion but you don't maybe want to acknowledge it to yourself.

He is also emotionally abusive. Surely you can see this.

You are seriously in need of help. You need to find the strength and courage from somewhere to leave him. I think he's going to get worse. He sounds like a sorry excuse for a man.

timelytess Sat 05-Nov-16 22:35:52

If your post is accurate...
a) he is not good in any way
b) you are being routinely sexually abused - the groping, the rapes
c) he is undermining you constantly to keep you weak.

You should leave him and get counselling to help re-establish your self-esteem.

Reading your opening post, I didn't want to believe it. But at the point where you said he 'started having sex with me. I ended up lying there silent and still while he did it and he just carried on' I remembered my own marriage, my abusive husband, and how it feels to have to do that.

Leave him.

Brontebiscuits Sat 05-Nov-16 22:35:53

there is NOTHING amazing enough that you could tell us that will make up for his disgusting abusive behaviour.

if you don't want to leave him, at least go and get some counselling for yourself and be honest about what your husband does to you.

do you have a daughter- what would you tell her if she came to you as an adult and told you what you have written above? forced into sex and belittled?

Bolognese06 Sat 05-Nov-16 22:38:26

He doesn't forces though. He doesn't threaten me or anything. I just get tired of resisting.
Nothing is black or white. I know that out marriage needs work. I'm sure there are many things about me that I could change so he wouldn't be like this.

Brontebiscuits Sat 05-Nov-16 22:40:17

it's not your fault he's like this. He does that all on his own.

Bolognese06 Sat 05-Nov-16 22:40:26

How do I delete this thread?

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend Sat 05-Nov-16 22:42:46

I'm sorry. This post made me feel so deeply sad and worried for you. I'm sure there are good moments and good qualities in him.. but he's not being good to you, or for you.

Nobody has the right to treat you this way, whatever their history. My advice is to try to find someone in real life to confide in and build up your confidence and self esteem. Protect yourself, protect your children, because this abuse - and that is what it is - will drag you and them down otherwise.

Brontebiscuits Sat 05-Nov-16 22:44:12

there's a report button. usually next to the first post.

good luck. I hope you get away from him eventually. you don't deserve his abuse.

Somerville Sat 05-Nov-16 22:47:11

0808 2000 247 is the phone number for women's aid. They are the experts and you could phone them one day and see if they agree with us, or with you.

If they think you are being abused, as I do, then they will be able to explain the likely consequences for your safety, and for your children's safety and emotional well being, in the future. You could explore all the options.

If it is particularly the sex you and your husband have that is troubling you then you could call the experts in that to discuss whether it really is rape when he doesn't force you, just keeps insisting until you resist. I think that is rape but you can find out for yourself. Rape crisis are on 0808 802 9999.

Teepish Sat 05-Nov-16 22:54:39

Sweetheart my husband was similar to yours. He is abusing you emotionally and sexually.

Your marriage does not need work. He is not amazing. You deserve MORE you deserve BETTER.

flowers

ilovebassethoundz Sat 05-Nov-16 23:00:02

Please don't have your thread deleted, OP.

I fully understand it must be incredibly hard for you to read but please remember that no one on here or elsewhere is going to make you do anything you don't want to.

Bolognese06 Sat 05-Nov-16 23:04:44

I know this wills sound stupid. But I wanted to just get everything out that's bothering me. That's everything. I feel like I've said too much. I feel vulnerable.
I also think it sounds worse than it is. My husband isn't aggressive. He doesn't swear at me or threaten me with anything.
He is an amazing dad and alot of the time a brilliant husband.

Bolognese06 Sat 05-Nov-16 23:06:35

I don't class it as abusive. Just a clash that we need to work through.
I don't want to leave him. I love him.

ilovebassethoundz Sat 05-Nov-16 23:08:15

It doesn't sound stupid.

When I worked for Samaritans, you might be surprised at the number of people who would talk for well over an hour, then finish the call by saying how much you had helped and you'd barely said a thing! Getting it out there is the important thing.

From what you've said it sounds like the dynamics of your relationship have changed from you being dependent on him to gradually becoming more independent.

Can you explain how that's come about?

timelytess Sat 05-Nov-16 23:10:38

He doesn't forces though. He doesn't threaten me or anything. I just get tired of resisting
He's a 'sex pest' husband. And if you don't want it, its rape. If you go along with it for peace and quiet, its 'coerced sex'.
Wake up. Please.

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