Nurse who used to 'groom' me - advice needed pls

(26 Posts)
user1478338058 Sat 05-Nov-16 10:43:26

Hi

Hope this is ok to ask, I need some advice about a tricky situation. I found out recently that someone I used to go to school with has become a nurse. This person got close to me at school and I thought we were good friends. I had a lot of problems at home from the age of 11, hardly had any friends and was off school a lot so I guess I was a bit vulnerable. To cut a long story short, my 'friend' led me into a dangerous situation which involved men who were interested in underage girls which luckily I escaped from. Though it was frightening at the time, I severed all connections with her, got over it and didn't think about it again for years until now. Since finding out she has become a nurse I've been thinking about registering a concern with the NHS- knowing what I know about her, I would not want her looking after me, my family and certainly not any children. So do you think I need to say anything or keep quiet? Any constructive advice or opinions would be much appreciated thanks

PotteringAlong Sat 05-Nov-16 10:49:22

How old was she at the time?

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 10:51:33

Was she the same age as you? If she was, you have read the situation completely incorrectly and she was equally a victim of these men. If she was much older I would report her to the police for her actions.

DrE678 Sat 05-Nov-16 10:52:20

Isn't this one for the police? If she was also a child she had been groomed, she wasn't doing th grooming. The men need to be caught. If she was much older than you then it's another matter.

user1478338058 Sat 05-Nov-16 10:54:48

Hi we were both 14

usual Sat 05-Nov-16 10:57:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 10:59:41

user she was not the mastermind behind this situation, she was a child too and you were both being groomed. Definitely go to the police so that the perpetrators come under the spotlight. I also suffered abuse as a child. I worked through it for 2 years as an adult with a psychotherapist. It took a lot of that time to get past the view I had internalised as a child to examine the situation as an adult iyswim.

Thisjustinno Sat 05-Nov-16 10:59:51

For fucks sake she was a child and a victim. Leave her and her career alone.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 05-Nov-16 11:00:58

She was groomed as much as you were. How can you hold her responsible?

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 11:02:28

Thisjust do you always speak so aggressively to a victim of child sexual abuse trying to rationalise what happened to her? There is no call for that.

Thisjustinno Sat 05-Nov-16 11:06:23

She's suggesting a previously abused girl shouldn't be allowed near children. As one of those girls; it makes me extremely angry.

HmmmmBop Sat 05-Nov-16 11:09:57

She's not to blame for what happened to you. As others have said, she's just as much of a victim.

0dfod Sat 05-Nov-16 11:17:25

Op this situation needs to be presented to the police.

You were both victims.

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 11:19:01

Thisjust I understand why you are angry but this is not the place to lash out at the OP. She has internalised this girl as having far more responsibility in this situation with her 14 year old mind and it is very hard, as you know, to move on from that because you have to fully deal with the horror of the situation.

If she did report the now woman, nothing would happen, the nursing authority would see exactly what everyone else here sees and think this person was abused too. Having said that the OP has canvassed opinions so she is likely to get another perspective now and not do that.

user1478338058 Sat 05-Nov-16 11:36:05

Just to be clear I think the men that my old friend was involved with are complete scum, they should never have gone near her and the abuse that happened to her as a child was not her fault. She should have had parents/guardians to love and protect her - we all should. But she made a bad call when she chose to involve me and lock me in a flat belonging to her abuser and not let me phone my mum. To an outsider who doesn't know the full story I accept it might not sound like a big deal but I was terrified.

insancerre Sat 05-Nov-16 11:40:07

I think you have 2 options
You say nothing or you report it to the police
I'm not sure you have the option of resorting to the NHS. Where is your proof? Do the NHS respond to unfounded allegations?

Thisjustinno Sat 05-Nov-16 11:42:12

Agreed - Police or nothing. If the Police think it's relevant to her career they'll inform whoever needs to know.

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 11:48:23

user you need to go to the police. I can almost guarantee though they will not be prosecute your friend but they will use her information to find the men.

She will have been told to do what she did, you can almost be certain. She was a young impressionable teen with a shitty background, her ability to critically think though her actions was serverly compromised by her lack of emotional development (even for 14) brought about by her poor family situation. She is a classic target of grooming and she is definitely a victim. I know you were in a horrible situation and from your perspective she is responsible but without men having an interest in abusing children this situation would never have happened. They were at fault.

PotteringAlong Sat 05-Nov-16 11:54:00

You might have been terrified, but i would bet a lot of money that she was too.

user1478338058 Sat 05-Nov-16 12:14:44

Interesting mix of opinions, thanks guys. I will bear the police in mind. I've lived with what happened for this long and I think it probably belongs in the past. At least me, mum and my brother know the truth. Hopefully my ex friend will not pose a threat to anyone in her capacity as a nurse, thankfully we all carry phones these days - especially kids and teenagers. Take care all!

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 13:16:32

Have you had any counselling user? For sure it belongs in the past but if only it were that straightforward. It sounds like you went through a massive ordeal, an extremely terrifying experience, it may be worth while contacting a 'rape crisis' charity to talk it through. If you are not interested in talking to the police (neither was I fwiw) it might help you to work through it.

user1478338058 Sat 05-Nov-16 14:29:17

Hi My2centsworth, yes I had counselling (not just for the above issue but for lots of others too), was told to imagine myself in a nice safe place if I got upset, then my councellor kept calling in sick and cancelled 3 of my sessions before finally telling me she didn't think I was a suitable candidate for CBT :/

My2centsworth Sat 05-Nov-16 15:37:02

Goodness that sounds awful. I think it is safe to say she was the one with the problem. flowers I only did a small bit of CBT bit mainly old fashioned psychotherapy. It was a long drawn out process which cost me a fortune but in fairness it stood to me in the long run. Sorry to hear about your therapist, the last thing you needed after all you had been through.

0dfod Sat 05-Nov-16 15:51:57

Cognitive behavioral counselling probably was not the right school to be helping you with these issues of abuse, psychodynamic would have been more appropriate.

Op I knew a girl that had been groomed and ritually sexually abused by her parents friends as well as them. She was a 13 and had also like your ex friend 'groomed' headhunter (?) other children for her abusers. She was a victim and now as an adult whom works bloody hard and very good at her career as a social worker.

It is understandable that you are angry and hurt by your past, but contacting the nhs is not the correct procedure, contacting the police is.

Please consider your options very carefully flowers

0dfod Sat 05-Nov-16 15:52:32

*Headhunted

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