Advice needed :((13 Posts)
Never thought I'd be writing something like this , never thought I'd be in this position but here we go! Can't talk to family and friends but just want some opinions so low and confused and scared about everything but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.
My boyfriend has an anger problem I've not been aware of until recently, he works longish hours although some weeks he only works a few days because of the amount of hours the previous week. Anyway. He cannot deal with tiredness and for months now has left me feeling so low even before our baby was born. I'm doing everything in the house, preparing everything, decorating everything in our new house, I've done it all, he does nothing because he works. So many times he has been borderline violent never hitting me but even when pregnant, he's even recently been kicking off and reacting completely out of order while our son has been in the house. The other day he even slammed and cracked the bathroom door whilst holding our baby, he was asleep and fine but it makes me feel sick to my stomach. He has never punched me and the occasions are few and far between but I keep saying I'm going to leave because I can't live like this I don't deserve this and then something happens again.
He always starts in an argument (usually about how little he helps or even just respects/appreciates me ) and knowing what he's like I just try to get away to cool off but he always blocks door ways etc off so I can't get past him and he's 6 ft 3 so it's intimidating and I'm trying to push past him and can't and get panicky and that's when he starts grabbing me back or pulling me or even sort of hitting me because he's saying I'm doing it first but I'm just trying to get away and he's not letting me and being in my face. Anyway I forgive and forgive although j say forgive he's never showed any emotion he's never begged me to stay or said he understands why I feel the way I do he just comes home and ignores the situation and in the end I move on too because it's easier to be stuck in the house with him then. He's mean. He's lazy, whenever we argue he just starts acting like he doesn't care or even says horrible things to me as the mother of his baby it breaks my heart. He says a few days or weeks later whenever it is that he only says things in an argument to 'hurt me' like that's ok ...but I would never do that to him or anyone I cared about or even somwone I didn't ?
Tonight he once again left me doing everything round the house after a nice day together, I'm just clearing all the shit he's left and tidying and finishing the jobs he's started in between looking after and bathing our baby and feeding our kitten. I got angry once again tonight while I was doing everything and he was just sat in the living room on his phone and then he started saying why am I stomping around why am I not talking etc etc, all I was doing was all the housework he left me to do, it's almost like he probes me because he knows he's wrong , I dunno. So I said to him how I find it a bit upsetting or hurtful that in running round doing everything mainly the shit he's left while he just sits there looking at things on his phone, and that was it he started on me saying how i just 'go on' all the time and that he's not going to do anything at all any more. I came upstairs out of his way and he came storming about and took the phone charger from me and went to the other bedroom to sleep, I went to get the charger off him since he has his own in there anyway and he threw it at me so hard that I have 3 marks on my arm from the plug. From this I started shouting and getting upset because only the other day he was saying how he'd seen the light and realised what he was going to lose and how things are going to be different from now on and less than a week later he's acting this way, he didn't say sorry I thought him doing that would have made him then snap out of it and realise and beg for forgiveness or something but he couldn't care less, he could see I was in physical pain and just said 'I didn't mean to' but didn't say sorry. He then went to bed and just the fact after being the way he is he can just go to bed and sleep after hurting me just makes me sick that he's not cut up or making the effort. He's just acting like he doesn't care. I have started to pack up my things because I think I need to go home to my parents or something with my baby and even the cat as I don't want to leave her here, but even that couldn't spark a reaction from him he's just started ripping light bulbs out and they're breaking in his hand, he's saying I'm inconsiderate for having lights on when I'm packing my things because he has work in the morning, and now he's just gone to bed and couldn't care less. Is this abuse? I know to some it might seem a dumb question but he just says I'm sensitive or I'm always going on or whatever, all he's said tonight is that I've caused all this but I don't think I have. He's told me if I leave tomorrow I will never see him again Because he's going to kill himself apparently. I said he's just trying to scare me but he said he's been thinking about it for a while because his life is so shit. Now I'm laid here crying worried about everything including my baby and thinking how can he say his life's shit when it's me dealing with all this on my own, it's me away from my family and friends and basically living a life (if you could call it that) being his scivvy because he doesn't respect me or the house, and bringing up our son basically alone because he's selfish and never ever deals with him unless we're getting on really well again and he has a few days off, in which case hell feed him a few times, but other than that I'm completely alone.
Am I being dramatic as he's making out? The way he's so aggressive and nasty and then cold and doesn't even care at the thought of losing us makes me think not but I just need advice I never want to tell anyone this stuff because I always believe when he says he'll change and I therefore never want everyone's opinions of him to have changed and my life be even more tense with everyone I love being aware of how I feel or how things sometimes can be at home. Someone help please I'm so gutted its come to this again because I believed his lies like always and forgave him like always, but then the way he makes me feel saying I cause everything makes me wonder if I am just I dunno sensitive or inconsiderate?
To add, he's not been at work today or yesterday so it's not like I started nagging him once he got home from a long day or something,
If he's calmed down and you aren't in danger tonight then pack and leave tomorrow while he's at work.
If you feel in danger then ring the police tonight, he can cool down at the police station while you pack and leave.
Take paperwork, photos etc.
You don't sound oversensitive. He sounds dangerous.
He's physically and mentally abusing you and sounds like he isn't going to change without some form of professional help. His throwing things at you, blocking the door ways, pushing and shoving is physical abuse. MAybe he has something going on (I definitely think he needs mental help), who knows, but he has no right to take it out on you. My advice? Pack your things, take your baby and kitten and go. If he wants to sort things out with you then he needs to change, get some help. Don't put up with it.
Jesspow- I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is definitely physical abuse. You are not in the wrong here.
I've not been in the exact situation you are in but have known close friends who have...they struggled with leaving. If leaving completely feels too much at the moment could you go and stay somewhere you feel safe for a bit... (your parents). While you are there, speak to a counsellor and the police. They can help you figure out your next step.
I do think you need to leave completely but if that feels overwhelming, leave in stages...initially get you, baby and kitten to a safe place. Take it from there.
Might also be worth calling samaritans. Might help to tell them initially...easier than telling friends and family. Take care. X
Yes, this is abuse. He is being controlling, he is intimidating you. One thing that stood out from your post is that you say he goads you into an argument over how little he does, he's using tht as method of control.
If he really does want to change and loves you as much as he shoud then he will do everything to win you back.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
It's not you. It's him.
He's not going to kill himself, it's emotional blackmail.
Even in the unlikely event that he did hurt himself, it wouldn't be your fault. He's an adult he's responsible for his own feelings and behaviour.
Your instincts sound right, this isn't a healthy environment for you or your child.
This is an abusive relationship that sounds very similar to one I was in.
Please speak to Women's Aid. They are a great resource for information and support.
Knowing what I know now, I'd leave.
If I couldn't face telling him, I'd just say I'm going to stay with family for a few days. Then not go back.
You are not overreacting, being oversensitive or inconsiderate. Don't doubt yourself. I suspect you cannot see the wood for the trees because you are being abused. It will be clearer once you've left.
Please don't spend another day with this man. You have no obligation to help him. Nobody should have to live like this. It's intolerable.
It looks like Our grandson is going into care...my step son (his father) was not supposedly to go round to the mothers house as he has issues with drugs & alcohol. But he has!!! I am in contact with the mothers social worker & I did text her a msg saying we had concerns that he was going round there!! The social worker has told the mother I said this & now there is a huge rift in the family. My husband is on my side but my step son is blaming me for everything!!! Although his life choices have put him in this position. I don't regret my decision for tell SS, as our grandson's welfare is paramount but I'm not liking the arguments. We were asked by the mother if we would become foster parents. But now the SS are saying the case is too far along for us to be assessed!!! Would anyone else have done the same? Feeling very sad & emotional 😢
Get you and your baby right out of there. He will cause him serious harm.
randolph you need to start a thread of your own to get advice, you won't get responses on here.
You really should leave. And when it's safe for you to do so, which means when he's away.
Or get an order to keep him away from your home and change locks when he's out.
Do talk to Women's Aid. That's what they are for (sorry, but the samaritans, no).
You will be able to get some practical help and a place to stay if you need it.
I think it would be best if you started your own thread if you want opinions, but it's certainly something that could happen to you, OP, if you stay with this aggressive man.
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