Another mum said my child was 'nothing but trouble'

(15 Posts)
sixinabed Tue 13-Sep-16 09:58:07

Ds1 came home last night upset because another child had told him that his mum said Ds was 'nothing but trouble'. He was really upset last night and this morning. I said that it was not a nice thing to say, and we talked about typecasting and how your behaviour isn't 'you' because you can change your behaviour, that we always have choices and the best thing to do about comments like that was to prove them wrong, like he has been doing so far this term.

He has had behavioural issues on and off for the last couple of years - largely linked to low self esteem and self image (he was being bullied for years by a boy who left the school kid last year), so this a particularly unhelpful comment. We are only a week into the new term but he has been trying his hardest and behaving well every day getting green or bronze every day (the school does the staying on green system).

Obviously the boy may be misreporting what his mum said, but i feel it's fairly unlikely as it's quite an adult comment.

I was thinking of saying to her X said this to Ds, sure he's misinterpreted it but Ds was very upset and explain about how everyone is working very hard to help Ds with his self image, and that these types of comment are likely to hinder the progress that Ds has been making. So giving her the out that she can not admit to having said it, even if she did, but still has to listen to what I have to say.

I also wondered if I should tell his teacher about it.

I'm not one generally to speak up where it may lead to confrontation or awkwardness but I'm concerned that if I say nothing these type of comments (whether actually said by the mum or made up by the boy) will continue to be relaid to Ds.

WWYD?

SaggyNaggy Tue 13-Sep-16 10:03:59

I would say nothing to the mum or the child.
I'd try to rush it off and goive no quarter to the opinions of other people. By saying something, ypour validating their opinion, when the opinion of others shouldn't matter. You know your DS is trying hard, ypour DS knows he's trying hard and doing well. Who gives a shiny white what a random person thinks.
But obviously, that's what I wpould do, others might react differently.

sixinabed Tue 13-Sep-16 10:18:38

Dp said just that saggy, but another friend said to say something because it will likely continue. I'm not sure. Thanks for your input!

Cocochoco Tue 13-Sep-16 10:21:24

it won't help. She will just give you a very wide berth in future. It gave you a springboard for what sounds like s very helpful discussion with your ds.

SaggyNaggy Tue 13-Sep-16 10:21:56

Thing is, it will continue, ypou speaking up won't stop it.
The only thing that will stop it is if your DS shows them that he isn't like that anymore.
Once a bad reputation is built, its difficult to change.

mouldycheesefan Tue 13-Sep-16 10:24:34

The mum is obviously basing this on the behavioural issues your son has had. Changing his behaviour is the way to change minds. Don't speak to the mum, it's possible her child has been on the receiving end of poor behaviour from your child previously and you are unlikely to get a positive response.

ToxicLadybird Tue 13-Sep-16 10:30:59

I wouldn't say anything. She's said something based on a couple of years of your son behaving badly. That opinion won't change because he's behaved himself for the past week. If you and your son don't want others thinking badly of him then he needs to prove he's changed and that won't happen overnight. Sorry.

sixinabed Tue 13-Sep-16 10:37:06

Thank you all. He hasn't behaved badly for 2 years - he has had intermittent episodes of bad behaviour interspersed with longer periods of good behaviour. But I will do as you suggest and keep to just encouraging Ds in his efforts. Thanks for the sounding board. smile

pimmsy Tue 13-Sep-16 10:37:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pimmsy Tue 13-Sep-16 10:42:36

Sorry, wrong thread!

Tiggeryoubastard Tue 13-Sep-16 10:45:24

She has the right (and it sounds reason) to feel that. She also has the right to say that. There is no point saying anything to her while that's her perception - she'll just think you're one of 'those' parents that condone bad behaviour. As for speaking to his teacher - what on earth would you expect to come of that?
On the plus side it seems like things are changing with your son. It'll take a good while, but it will be seen. Just carry on as you are. It also sounds like you handled it well with your son.

isitseptemberyet Tue 13-Sep-16 10:45:27

If it were my child id do both, if you do the teacher bit first you can ask their opinion on the other parent part. They may even want to stick something in their newsletter (obv with names or classes being mentioned) along the lines of being mindful about what we say about classmates in front of children), my school has done so before.
Try not to be too disheartened x 'This too shall pass'! Ive had issues with my son over the years, now I hardly worry about him at all, although I know right now it probably feels all consuming, before u know it this will all be a distant memory ,
Good luck 😊

SaggyNaggy Tue 13-Sep-16 10:50:48

It takes no time to get a bad rep and an age to change it. It takes an age to get a good rep and only seconds to lose it.

Oohh... hmm bit deep for a Tuesday. Its true tho. grin

OhMyWord16 Tue 13-Sep-16 10:55:23

Definitely do NOT raise it with the other mother, that's risky and may not go well.

However, unlike Tigger, I would raise it with the class teacher. Don't have to name the other child/ mother, but general advice from teacher would be helpful.
Sounds like you handled the discussion well with your son.

confuugled1 Tue 13-Sep-16 10:55:25

Not sure how old your ds is but if he's primary age, then I'd definitely talk to his teacher about it - just as a means to discuss the issue, and ensure that he's still getting the support and positive reinforcement he needs from the teacher.

S/he can also ensure that the other boy's taunts don't turn into bullying of your child - because the way that you've reported it, it can definitely be interpreted as a nasty comment - and if he continues to make similar comments then that would be bullying.

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