feel so angry that I allowed this to happen.

(104 Posts)
lost2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 15:50:12

Hello,
I am not sure whether this is the right place to post as it is a bit of a strange one.
Bank holiday Monday I was waiting at the train station, when this man around 50 odd that I had seen a few times before at the station said 'good morning, lovely day' and asked me whether it was a Saturday service and got on his train......
The next day he came over to me and started to talk to me about how frustrating it is that today he has to catch 2 trains as they've stopped the one that goes straight through where he needs to go. Next thing I know he's asking me where I work, where I live and what time I finish work.
I stupidly told him, not my actual street but area, I am so annoyed with myself, I am 32 and should've known better, so what the hell made me not lie - or better still what stopped me from telling him to mind his own business? Unfortunately my jacket I had on states where I work but the rest I should've known better.
I got on the train and so did he, he sat next to me and started telling me how he's recently divorced etc, I feel sick that I have someone old enough to be my dad trying to hit on me, probably just for a quick bonk up where he's recently divorced.
The next day came ( Wednesday) and I was hoping he wouldn't be there and it really stressed me out that he sat next to me again.......why can't I just tell someone to leave me the f alone. I really felt uncomfortable with him and his advances, to the point my colleagues were asking what was up.
I don't think I would've minded if he had been in his middle 30s early forties and not asking such personal detail minutes after talking to me, oh yeah and not recently divorced.
So on Thursday I stayed off the platform and only went onto it when I saw my train coming in - so I got on the back of the train rather than the front and I did the same on Friday, avoiding him like the plague.
Did I do the right thing here or should I have been a little more aggressive and told him to shove it? I don't get why I couldn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone, I think as I have got older I have mellowed a lot as when I was teens to twenties I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him to get lost and I never had men old enough to be my dad hitting on me anyway. I have had a lot of c**p in my life and have been let down by the police more times than I have had hot dinners, so I think this has something to do with it. I know I am old enough but if I told him to get lost I feared his reaction - which could've lead to the police being called - so I walked away.
I feel so dirty, so angry at myself.............
Anyone else been in a situation like this or know of someone who has?

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 15:54:12

First thing I would do is to put a ring on my wedding finger so that he would assume I was married. Then I'd always make the point of standing next to and sitting next to another woman on the train or the platform.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 15:55:09

Sorry, got cut off.

But if he continued to talk to me and I didn't want to talk, I'd make sure I had a newspaper or book to read and although I'd answer questions very briefly, I wouldn't do more than that - wouldn't look at him, start a conversation etc.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 15:58:34

Maybe he was just being polite and friendly and not really trying to get into your knickers? Going through a divorce is a stressful time and leaves you not feeling yourself and at times unsociable. Maybe he was feeling ready to face the world again and fancied a chat - and you were the designated 'victim'?! I wouldn't look too much into it tbh. Next time just mention your' bf' if it would make you feel you had need to give him the brush off.

jerryfudd Sun 04-Sep-16 15:59:22

Wear headphones. If he still tries to talk make a big huffy effort to take one out, answer one word answer and put back in. Continue until he gets message you aren't interested

minmooch Sun 04-Sep-16 16:02:56

I'm not exactly sure why you feel dirty? So a man talked to you one day and sat next to you the other? Did he actually do anything to make you feel threatened in any way? Did he actually hit on you or was he just talking?

Unless I have misunderstood what you have written it seems to be a very dramatic response to someone talking to you?

If you do not want to engage in conversation with him then just tell him. It does not have to be confrontational in any way. Just say you like your own space on the way to work and would rather not speak. If he is decent he will respect that. If he then ignores your request at that time you should feel more inclined to be more assertive.

lost2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:03:50

Funny that first thing I said to him on Tuesday was how I had just come from the platform to see my fella off to work and I believe he has seen me kiss my partner a few times.
Unfortunately there aren't many people on the platform really early in the morning but the headphones thing is a good idea.
That's exactly how I felt like a 'victim' bate whatever you wish to call it.....
Ok so if he wasn't hitting on me why did he ask such personal questions within minutes of starting to talk to me? Bit wrong if you ask me.

gamerchick Sun 04-Sep-16 16:04:10

Maybe you look older than you are.

He was just being friendly from what I can see? I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to talk to someone on your commute but nor is it unreasonable for him to want to chat. Wear headphones, read a book but no, you absolutely didn't need to be more aggressive.

Feeling dirty and angry seems to be a complete over reaction if there is no more to the story than you've told us.

reallyanotherone Sun 04-Sep-16 16:05:18

Did he ask you out? Make any advances sexually?

How do you know he's trying to hit on you, and not just a lonely man going through a divorce?

If it had been a woman, or someone nearer your own age, would you still feel "dirty and angry"?

if he wasn't hitting on me why did he ask such personal questions within minutes of starting to talk to me?

Maybe he was just making conversation?

reallyanotherone Sun 04-Sep-16 16:07:23

If he knows you have a bf maybe he thought he could have a chat without you getting the wrong idea?

lost2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:07:31

I feel dirty because of the questions he asked within minutes of speaking to me, I felt like he was trying to hit on me due to this as this isn't normal and then giving me his life story, I felt like if we hadn't been somewhere with cctv and other people he would've tried it on. Anyway how would anyone feel to a stranger sitting next to you.
Like I said in my post I want to know why I couldn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone.

ladylambkin Sun 04-Sep-16 16:07:49

I think he was just making polite conversation?

In future the headphones/book seem like a good idea if you don't want to converse with other passengers

Rudymentary Sun 04-Sep-16 16:08:30

I'm a bit confused tbh.

Has he hit on you apart from asking you a few normal questions?

I disagree; I think it's perfectly normal for polite conversation...

gamerchick Sun 04-Sep-16 16:10:27

I'm thinking of the pensioner that talks my lug off at the bus stop. It never occurred to me to feel dirty and angry because he wasn't a younger fitty and therefore worthy of talking to me.

You're being unkind in your words OP, so what if he's in his fifties? There's nothing wrong with not wanting to chat regularly to people on a commute whatsoever but it doesn't mean an older man is some sort of perv. You haven't said anything that sounds alarming.

lost2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:10:43

You don't start asking people you don't know questions like these until you have got to know them a little better. Well I wouldn't anyway and yes I might not feel dirty if a woman started asking me these questions I had only just spoken to but I would feel uncomfortable being asked these type of questions by someone I don't know male or female.

AyeAmarok Sun 04-Sep-16 16:11:01

Some people are just nosey.

If he knew the area then that might be why he was trying to pin down the street? I might do that "where do you stay?" "West End" "oh really what bit?" "behind the university" "oh like Hillhead area? I'm just over at Hyndland" etc.

Whoops. Maybe people think I'm weird.

lost2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:15:24

Look I come on here for some support because of how I am feeling - not to be had a go at and feel like I am the one being stupid and unreasonable. I just hope none of you go through this and for the record asking someone where you live within minutes of starting to talk to someone isn't normal.........
Please only reply if you are going to be sympathetic to my feelings.
Also as I have also said I want to know why I didn't tell him to mind his own or to leave me alone, what stopped me.......I have even been off with my partner because of this, I thought I would come on here for some advice and support and yet I am seen as the bad guy, I don't know why I bother coming on here as I always end up being made out to be the wrongen.

People are not trying to be unsympathetic they are just trying to point out, nicely, that you are making this into something it doesn't appear to be.

For the record, asking someone where the live can be perfectly normal. He wasn't asking for your address, it was chit chat for a general area.

You've posted in 'what would you do?' What would I do? I would give it no more head space.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 04-Sep-16 16:21:18

Do you suffer from anxiety?

Your feelings are valid but a little over the top.

WhisperingLoudly Sun 04-Sep-16 16:22:25

I think you're over reacting to what sounds like someone making polite conversation, that's not to say you're obliged to engage in a conversation that you don't want, you're absolutely not and it's entirely reasonable to not do so.

However the fact it is distressing you is concerning. I do sympathise but it might be worth considering why it distresses you because it's a very strong reaction to seemingly innocuous behaviour

Pinkerbeller Sun 04-Sep-16 16:25:42

I have had a lot of c**p in my life and have been let down by the police more times than I have had hot dinners, so I think this has something to do with it

I think you're carrying a lot of the past with you and it's impacting how you deal with the present. Have you had counselling? Would you consider it? Feeling dirty because you don't feel like you stuck up for your boundaries is an over reaction but that fear has come from somewhere.

lost2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 16:26:36

I posted here because I wasn't sure whether posting it in relationships would be appropriate, I wasn't really sure which one to post in to be honest.
None of you were there, so please don't make me feel like I am being pathetic, like I said I just hope that none of you have to go through this experience because I felt awful but then I'm not allowed to 'feel' things am I - no one can argue with how I am feeling and if this was me answering your posts I would be able to empathise with how any of you were feeling.
Well I don't think asking someone where they live or where they work within minutes of starting talking normal. I tell you what if I was a 14 year old girl I can bet your responses apart from a couple would've been completely different, you know women in their 30s and 40s can still get hit on and all the rest of it.

Before I forget putting headphones in doesn't seem to help either with situations, I still get approached when I don't want to be......I just want to zone out on the way to or from work, kind of relax as it were and not be disturbed.......oh but that will be wrong too that I ignore people who try to get my attention with my earphones in, what's wrong with leaving people the hell alone......I would leave anyone with earphones in, too busy on their phones or busy reading the newspaper alone.

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