So confused. Don't know what to do

(66 Posts)
Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 16:57:18

Hi. I've never posted before but am a lurker I just really need some advice.
Back story. We've been together 10 years and are supposed to be getting married in a few weeks. We also have 2 dc.
Around 5 years I was suffering with pnd (not an excuse I know) and I slept with someone else. Told dp about it we talked it through and he chose to forgive me.
So the other night I went out with some friends and the guy I cheated with was in the same bar. I have had no contact with him since it happened.
I left the bar with a male friend who was going to walk me to the taxi before going to meet some friends of his. The guy also left at the same time and walked the same way. We ended up kind of walking together but my friend had a phone call and stopped to answer. The other guy went straight into a taxi and as I was drunk I didn't think to go back and say bye to my friend and just jumped in a different taxi and went home.
However my friend assumed I'd gone home with the other guy and told my partner this.
I got home and he snatched my phone off me demanding my passcode.
Because I was drunk and angry I refused. I wanted him to feel shit tbh. Anyway this resulted in him holding me by my throat to the point I couldn't breath and then hitting me over the head with a console controller leaving a lump and nasty bruise on my forehead.
He has never done this before but there have been times in arguments where I thought he was going to hit me.
He's very remorseful but I don't think I can forgive him for this. He knows I grew up with a father who constantly accused my mother of affairs and was often violent and verbally aggressive. I do not want that for my kids.
Was it my fault for not giving him the passcode? Or have I turned him into this person by what I did years ago?
I just need some advice. Thanks x

FruitCider Mon 29-Aug-16 16:59:23

You need to leave. Now. He could have killed you! Ring Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 and have a chat with them. Regardless of your actions, violence is never acceptable!

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:09:47

My heads telling me to leave. But I don't know how to be on my own. As sad as that sounds. I moved from my mothers in with him and he's always looked after the financial side of things etc. My mother died 2 years ago so I don't really have anyone to stay with and I really don't want to disrupt my kids lives. Is there a chance this was a one off?

ThatStewie Mon 29-Aug-16 17:13:14

This is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You have not 'turned' him into this person.

He is solely responsible for his violence.

Attempted strangulation is a huge red flag. It is one of the indicators of a high risk perpetrator who has the potential for fatal violence. Please reach out to Women's Aid/ Refuge for temporary accommodation. A man who does this can not be trusted and neither you nor the children are safe with him.

This is 24 hour freephone number for the National Domestic Violence hotline:
0808 2000 247

ThatStewie Mon 29-Aug-16 17:14:24

This isn't a one off. You've said so yourself - he scares you when you fight. He is not a safe man and the children will be safer and happier away from him.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 29-Aug-16 17:14:41

OP She's some friend.
Not!

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:17:01

It's so difficult. He's a really good man and an amazing father. My kids worship him. I just can't believe this has happened. I believe he is sorry and that he believes this will never happen again. I can't though. He said he never thought he'd behave like that and he has so how can I believe he won't do it again. My heads all over the place right now

FruitCider Mon 29-Aug-16 17:18:04

Definitely will not be a one off OP. And like a PP said, strangulation is a massive red flag. 2 women die a week at the hands of their partners/ex partners. Don't let yourself become a statistic.

My ex strangled me. I woke up in ICU. I speak from bitter experience. I ignored it the first few times thinking it wouldn't happen again as he was remorseful etc. 11 years after finding my freedom I am still troubled by his actions towards me. Escape whilst you can X

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:20:42

Holly. He's a male friend who tbh is more dp friend than mine.
I spoke to him the morning after and he apologised and said its just a mis understanding but it's completely turned my life upside down. I won't forgive him for that. And I don't think I can forgive dp either.
He's trying hard to show he's sorry and he's making me feel worse.
For me it's all about my children. If we didn't have any I'd already have left but can I justify upsetting them over this?

IzzyIsBusy Mon 29-Aug-16 17:21:15

The 2 things are seperate and you need to look at them seperatly.

You didnt go home with the guy so that part is done.

The part you need to focus on is that he assulted you. You didnt ask for it and you didnt deserve it.
Please ring womens aid and if you can call the police.
I am so sorry he did this to you.

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:21:55

Fruitcider. I am so sorry you went through that.
If you don't me asking did you ever think he was capable of that?
That's what I'm struggling with. I never thought he'd actually do that to me

ThatStewie Mon 29-Aug-16 17:23:19

A 'good' man wouldn't scare you when you have arguments. And 'good' men NEVER ever physically assault their partner.

A 'good' man who received such a phone call would have talked to you. He would tell you precisely what he heard and give you a chance to respond. He may be upset or angry or hurt but 'good' men do not assault their partner.

Allalonenow Mon 29-Aug-16 17:25:54

He is not a really good man.

It will happen again.

Do not marry him.

Plan to leave him as soon as you can.

FruitCider Mon 29-Aug-16 17:26:16

No I didn't when we first met, he was the perfect gentleman! He had a disability and seemed so vulnerable... But the second I moved in with him he started calling me a whore. He hit me for the first time on Valentine's Day 2005. I ended up in ICU in October 2005. He had tried to bite off my nose whilst I was unconscious and my whole face was a complete mess. I'm only alive because I started screaming when he first attacked me and it took the police only 8 minutes to attend, thank goodness my lovely neighbours were in, otherwise I know for certain I would be a dead statistic now.

AntiHop Mon 29-Aug-16 17:27:00

You need to leave. There is no excuse for how he behaved. His behaviour suggests it will not be a one off. It will be hard in the short term but so much better in the long term.

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:28:08

I am so sorry you went through that. What a strong woman you are to be able to offer me advice with your story. Thank you

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:29:07

I feel as though if I'd just given him my passcode this would have all been avoided sad

FruitCider Mon 29-Aug-16 17:30:06

Any time! I almost feel it's my duty to warn other women the realities of this kind of perpetrator X

Madlizzy Mon 29-Aug-16 17:30:41

A really good man and amazing father would not assault his children's mother to the point of not being able to breathe. He could have killed you.

FruitCider Mon 29-Aug-16 17:30:53

You are NOT to blame! Yes, your actions could be viewed as dickish but he could have killed you!

hollyisalovelyname Mon 29-Aug-16 17:32:40

Does the friend know then that your partner assaulted you?

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:32:45

Apparently he knew what he was doing and it was all just to scare me. Well it bloody worked!!!

Dannii6 Mon 29-Aug-16 17:33:23

No holly. My best friend does. She's the only person I've told in real life

FruitCider Mon 29-Aug-16 17:34:26

So he's admitting he had control and knew what he was doing?!?!?

Omg you need to get out of there!!!!

DragonboysMum Mon 29-Aug-16 17:36:00

Your last post is awful.

You need to leave him. Now.

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